Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running threads for anyone juggling elderlies and everything else. Loads of wisdom, support and the odd laugh...
How are you all doing?
How is everyone coping with the extra teens with exam challenges?

Thank you! I love !

I might have mentioned before that, some time ago, I read a thread on MN which suggested that it's usually the golden sibling who does little or nothing to help elderly parents, because they're so convinced of their own goldenness that they don't see the need. Like the article I posted a while back, that certainly chimed with me.

I think as well the parent needs to build an imaginary connection and image of the child to mask the fact that the relationship isn't really great.

Oh yes, I think that's often the case.

Well...
Told mum yesterday about job.
She told me it's good im going back and i need to rest more!
So...i shall take her advice.

she said all this whilst cooking breakfast for my brother
😂
Maybe she us as sick of me as I am of her??

Sometimes I wonder if all the unreasonableness is actually miscommunication. That we think stuff is expected of us, but it's actually a product of our own guilty imagination.

Then I remember the grief I get if I haven't done something,,.

Seriously, some of the disapproval and expectation I perceive is actually imagined. The trick is knowing which bits!

It's mad here. She resents people being involved, medics talking to me not her, but then didn't answer the questions they asked or ask the questions they wanted, just waffled about her holiday. And now it's my fault she told them the wrong medication and didn't ask them what meds he should have been on because I was there. Blooming Nora. It's like a real life episode of Faulty Towers crossed with Keeping Up Appearances and Doctors.

Yea she resents me
Resents having to rely on me
But I have to go to Dr appts with her because she doesn't remember what they say 😕 she has no idea that her medication does.
I will take her lead, however
Next time there is an emergency i will let her friend take her.
It's the 4th anniversary of my dad's death on Thursday and I'm away for the day
I'm expecting lots of PA crap about that - last year my siblings didn't even phone her.
Sigh.

Pickle - i do agree with your post.
Sometimes i think I must do something when really I don't
Much to think on...
Love to all x

Oh yes, there's often an element of the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) that's much discussed on other MN threads but my mother has made her expectations very clear; she won't go shopping unless I take her. She also has a long list of the ways in which other people have failed to live up to expectations. It's exhausting and also exasperating because she hasn't done those things for other people, yet believes they should be doing them for her.

So I feel for anyone in this kind of situation. On we plod.

Maud..yes
My mum is exactly like this!!

Ive def annoyed her in some way though....no texts or phone calls for 2 days
😁

I'm an occasional lurker on this thread - could use some advice today if that's OK.
After much heartache and indecision, DF went into a res. care home yesterday after being in hospital with an infection for nearly 2 months. He has Parkinson's and Dementia. He was reasonably OK yesterday, a little overwhelmed and bewildered. I honestly felt worse leaving him there, than I felt when taking my 6-week old to nursery for the first time years ago. I feel no better today, but my question is whether to visit every day this week (or as much as I can anyway) or whether to leave him a few days to find his feet.

I'm going to phone the home and ask them what they think but does anyone have any experience?

No experience...did the home not give any guidance?
My gut says leave it a few days and let him settle. You can phone each day.
Hugs x

Noarguments - when I took my dad to the various homes he went to I felt exactly as I did when I took my daughter to school the first time and I too didn't know what to do for the best. I think the only thing you can do is to go with how you feel, and what you can cope with. I went the first few days just to check that everything was being done for him as he would like, and I also went at different times of the day so that he didn't rely on me turning up and getting anxious if I was late. I then cut it down to every other day until he became really ill. It's horrible - lots of love to you xxx

I think you have to play it by ear tbh. If you visiting caused confusion and agitation about going home, leave it for a week. With my mum, she has no idea who I am, so on her respite stay I visited everyday and was able to repeat the 'you are having a holiday here while is in hospital so he's not worrying' phrase and she was quite happy.

Thanks I've decided not to go today - will go tomorrow and play it by ear from then. He's had a good lunch, apparently, so that's something....

I'm sure you've done the right thing, noarguments. Be guided by what the home suggest and don't take on more than you can manage.

Sounds like the right thing no arguments. It's really tough. Take some time for you.
for pickle and mrs m- not easy is it? And cmot- how is your dad doing? Any improvement in his legs?

How's everyone doing? I moved my mum's gp surgery recently and can't believe the difference. In her new surgery they saw her within days of her joining them, covered three problems in one appointment, and generally made life easy. Her old one was impossible. Couldn't get through on the phone, let alone get an appointment.

@Badders123 @EddSimcox how are you two getting on? You've been very quiet, I hope everything is ok.

CMOT, Mrs? Hanging in there?

Sounds positive pickle!!
Things here ticking over...ds1 has had a foot injury and is now on anti biotics. He has also had to wear a heart monitor for the last 24 hours and so has been happily telling everyone he is a cyborg 😁
Holidays are flying by really...ds2 is back 3 weeks tomorrow!
Mum is....well. the usual. My bro and sil are buying a house - mum is giving them some money for a deposit...so I've finally got to the bottom.of why she isn't having her kitchen done!! 🤔
Sigh
I must sound so grabby but you know what dh and i got when I bought my first house?
Clothes pegs and a bucket 😔😂
Oh well.
Mum knows im going back to work - but not that it's only 2 days!
I'm keeping busy in the hols and not spending much time at mums...which has been lovely.
Quite a stressful day yesterday - took mum, dn and dc to town...so im having a nap this afternoon 👍
Dh nearly had to go to China at short notice but hopefully that's been put off
Hope everyone else.is.ok?
How.are.your dads.legs cmot?

Good to hear more positive news pickle and well done for the distance mrs m.
All calmish here- hope everyone else is managing some time out over the summer.

Oh hi pickle, yes I fell off this thread... life is too busy. We had a last minute dash to the other side of the world to see MIL in her last days. The funeral is today. My brother is home now and has starting helping with the endless boxes, and my parents are having to cope without me. They're doing ok I think, though DM sent the Mind woman packing. Sigh. Dad is not ready to force anything.

I'm sorry to hear about MIL. Was that unexpected?

Glad you have some help with the boxes though...

Mine are alternately refusing help and demanding help. Frustrating.