Support for those who care for elderly parents - drop in as you need, everyone welcome

[CMOTDibbler]

All of us would rather not be here, but we need to be - with the people who really understand.

CMOT, how would you go about finding a non - agency carer?

Word of mouth can sometimes work well BTM, or an advert. Someone I knew was a cleaner looking for more hours and she was great with my Mother who really liked her. She ended up playing a pivotal role in my Mother's live in care arrangements (that's another whole story !)

Its the sort of thing where you would probably find by word of mouth - mum and dads was sort of via the district nurses, but asking at church, practice nurses, local older people would all work as well. I guess a small care agency may also be able to provide two people so a relationship is built. Its worth looking at those that say they provide companionship care which is more about doing stuff with someone rather than personal care - I notice a couple of my local ones do that.
Or put a card up somewhere advertising, so you can see who applies for the role you want

I found dm's cleaners who do all sorts one via our mobile hairdresser and one via a card in the local post office. She came to me first do I could suss her out but she was great!
I agree with others- maybe an agency who could offer more companionship? Good luck!

CMOT and thesandwich, they are all great ideas - I live 200 miles away so I think the only hope is looking for a smaller agency that could perhaps provide someone better matched. Will try to have a look when I get some time...

Oops sorry didn't remember that bit. Contact local age uk? Or local council/ gp surgery? Even mumsnet local? Ideas getting more off the wall now....

I'd forgotten that bit too Maybe the local District Nursing team might know someone. A smaller agency a good idea.

I've decided to stay at home today, eat chocolate and have a good cry instead of visiting my mum in her care home, the trouble is if I cry too much I can't taste the chocolate.

Here is some more in case you run out

Thank you.

Top up with Vulcanwoman.

My day started with call from Brother whilst I was traipsing dog round in mud. My Mother refuses to go toned so as sitting in chair fluid pooled to bottom of legs which have flared. She's going into hospital tomorrow for a week apparently. She is adamant she isn't.

She's learned that if she doesn't cooperate and makes herself ill then she gets my Brother's attention and moved somewhere else. Except this is the end of the road for her now. My Brother sounds quite broken.

Steeling myself I phoned her. She seemed really pleased to hear from me, asked after the children . Told me how she's planning a trip to west coast USA next year, laughed when I couldn't say San Fran and said we must make plans to meet up when I go to Canada next year. I went for the Contended Dementia way and went with it and it was perfectly pleasant.

If I didn't know all hell was breaking out over there I wouldn't have known so I can see how she suckered my Brother. He should have believed me though. He's now paying a high price for it and I'm a little bit worried. I had a lot of support from you all plus friends in RL and he hasn't really got anyone, hope he'll be ok and doesn't crack under the pressure.

for you too Sugar

Thank you VulcanWoman.

So, she is in hospital. It apparently took the best part of 3 hours for them to get her into the ambulance and there was lots of shouting and screaming.

Brother spoke to psychiatrist when they arrived as she is refusing to have IV drugs. Psychiatrist went in to speak to her saying he would treat her as a dementia patient with some aggression ( some smashing up tables recently) and would think about which drugs now appropriate.

He came out saying she was absolutely fine, being compliant currently showing no dementia so can't currently prescribe anything. Brother not phased as she's staying for five days and he's sure she can't keep it up that long, time will tell. Her carers are staying in the room with her so she is very comfortable. She seems to have bonded with them - one went on holiday and came back saying she had really missed her

Also she said to another one she liked that she is planning to get Brother to move her again which is why she refuses to wear clean clothes and deliberately spills food on them , won't shower and makes her legs bad. It doesn't totally surprise us to hear that as we sort of knew but good to have it confirmed. My Brother remarked dryly 'I've been royally played' and indeed he has.

And I'm sure you downplay any temptation to remind him that you were right all along. It must be tempting though.

He kind of acknowledged it and I was too nice to rub it in ...

SugarPlum How manipulative your DM is. Glad to hear your DB isn't phased but knows now how he's been played. And glad for you that you are not having to deal with it all yourself.

I can't say how relieved I am we are on different continents at the moment. I feel so sorry for her sister who I think she put through hell for years.

We're going to see if she can have s further CT scan whilst in hospital as don't have paperwork from the first one which we could do with given how she is. Also I would like to know if the vascular damage is in the frontal lobes as we think it is.

I'm sure she won't be keeping up that compliance, but wow, your mum is supermanipulative isn't she.

Psychiatrist has told Brother to go in for 15 mins each lunchtime so will get updates. I await with a kind of detached fascination and disappointment that I am born from someone like that as I'm pretty sure the Dementia is just exposing her true personality.

Oh SPT! I am so glad you are on another continent. You have done your time. And you are not her. Someone on here( CMOT?) described onion skin layers being removed revealing personality- sounds like that is happening here. And cunning survival with the only power available.
The carers sound great!

That's an interesting thought about Dementia exposing true personality.
The carers do sound great are they mad?

My mum's carer is an extraordinarily generous person. My mother is demanding yet the carer takes it with good humour and I believe her when she says she enjoys my mother's company. My mother, never really sure who anyone is, sees her as a friend and an ally. Fantastic given that former friends have largely, and inevitably, drifted away. (I'm a bit unfair as some wonderful people continue to visit but probably more in charity and loyalty than friendship. Plus the staff where she lives provide great support.) A perceived friend visiting every day and showing concern is a real gift.

After a couple of years of agency carers, organisation and common sense were all I was looking for. Both my mother and I are really lucky to have found someone willing to give so much more.

My advice would be to keep looking. Ask around and keep your ears open. Then ensure they feel rewarded. Not necessarily money. Regular appreciation or meeting their needs in terms of flexibility will go a long way. Working conditions for carers are often not great and I suspect rewards in terms of positive feedback can be hard to come by.

NMS, it sounds like you have found a really good 'un Sadly it is easier said than done to find someone when I live 200 miles away and can only go up for a couple of days every few weeks. I would be happy to appreciate and be flexible if I could find someone!

Nms you do have a treasure- and it sounds like you let her know as well so that's great.
BTM- I have heard good reports about home instead agency locally- not sure if they are national. Or the lady mag? Just wild thoughts.