Support for those who care for elderly parents - drop in as you need, everyone welcome

[CMOTDibbler]

All of us would rather not be here, but we need to be - with the people who really understand.

Marathon training....impressed!

My parents were never big on family Christmases, indeed by the time we were in our late teens they chose to spend Christmas on a cruise ship. And having had to stand all the way back on a very overcrowded train whilst seven months pregnant, I refused to go to PiLs when DC were babies. DC claim DH is the origional grinch as he argues against a tree and stockings (he loses) whilst DC object to Christmas pudding.

(As it is Santa's elves have carried out an 'elf and safety inspection of DD's room and will refuse to let Santa enter unless the many trip hazards are tidied away.)

It works out. DM can only cope with about an hour's visit, plus there are a lot of things happening at her sheltered housing and at the parish and, though its all a bit of a mystery to me, some kind people connected with the church who take her to things. Our holiday flat is rented over Christmas but free over New Year so we will spend a few days down there then. The only complication is that 30 months ago when we bought the flat DH decided to support the local football team. Then they got promoted. He has a rare ticket for a key Boxing day match so he is going down, and I suspect will feel obliged to call in on his MiL. One nice thing about Boxing Day in London is that with no public transport theatre tickets are easy to come buy so the rest of us may continue our family tradition of seeing a play, though we have still to decide what.

at the elf and safety inspection! Am going to borrow that when DD surfaces.

My DH is crying that he is missing his team play on Boxing Day because we are going up to DM's which he agreed to months ago
We are off to see Kinky Boots tomorrow - our Christmas Eve tradition with our family-friends!

My DD's room has been a bit tidier recently, not quite sure why! She even had a clear-out a couple of weeks ago

CMOT interesting about the marathon training. I find exercise a good anti depressant and de stressor too. Just done a big cycle into central London then swim at my favourite low chlorine pool (they use UV to kill bugs).
Have invited bro to come tomorrow and spend Christmas with us but he's gone quiet I suspect he'll go to the hospital on the day to see Dad.
My ILs could hardly be more low maintenance bless them, they are at the other end of the country and do not expect to see us.
Hope everyone has a good one, or as good as it can be.

That sounds lovely Bob, I've been doing triathlon for 2 years now which is fun, and decided to stretch to a marathon next year. Exercise is a total destressor for both me and dh.

It worked out OK today. Mum was v happy with her poncho, and was actually more animated than she's been for a long time - being off the meds completely has helped that, though she had no idea at all who we were. Dad was worse. His latest letter from the hospital said he had heart failure, kidney failure, angina, atrial fibrillation and a whole list of other things

DH is out food shopping now

Hello, can I come and join you? as long as marathon training is not a pre-requisite Hats off to you CMOT

I have just sat and read this thread and I am wishing I had discovered you months ago.

My mum has advanced Alzheimers and has just been moved to a nursing home. Dad is the most awkward, cantankerous person on the planet. I do love them both loads, but I am just being honest! Mum has had Alzheimers for over 12 years now, has not recognised her family for the past 3 years at least, and grandchildren (they have 19 and 3 great grandsons) for a lot longer. In April mum had a chest infection and we were told she was unlikely to survive the night. Then at the end of AUgust she had a stroke, which has left her unable to speak - before this she was able to speak, although it made no sense whatsoever. We have had a massive battle with the hospital and social workers, but eventually have mum in a lovely nursing home.
I was interested to read about the "onion theory". I have often said this over the past months. Mum has had everything stripped away and she now just has the core of her being left. I am so pleased that the core that is left is a lovely, caring, smiley person. If we are helping mum to drink she will gesture that you are to drink first. She offers her food to everyone and is always on the look out for helping and giving and always with her lovely smile, even if she does not have a clue what she is doing, who anyone is etc. Mum is loved by the staff already - she only moved in last week.

Dad, on the other hand cannot be pleased whatever anyone does for him. Latest example: his birthday was last week and I offered to cook him a roast dinner at lunch time (NEVER cook at lunch time, but he always eats a cooked meal at that time) He asked me what roast it would be and when I replied "Chicken" - because I thought it would be easiest for him to manage, he said "Don't bother, I had chicken today, so don't want it again tomorrow" - even though he had a week's notice.
He is obsessed with his own routine and gets up before 6am so that he can iron his pants yes really!!!!!!!!!! and be in town before 8am every single day. He gets really cross with shops that are not open at 8am and has complained to staff that they are inconsiderate because they don't open until 9. He would argue with anyone and for any reason and he is becoming more and more isolated as friends and family can't put up with his attitude and lies - oh my goodness, the lies drive me crazy!!

I do have 3 sisters and 1 brother, so I am not alone with the caring. Eldest Dsis is retired (early) and does the lions share of the caring and support - she is also the most patient with dad!! But she goes on holidays about 4 - 5 times a year for about a month at a time at least. When she is away dad expects me to be able to take up everything that she normally does, but I have 2 jobs, a family, although older children I still want to be around for them and I am also at college 1 day a week and have loads of studying to do. Brother does what he can, but has family "issues" and works. Next DSis lives on the mainland (we are on an island) and can only get here a few times each year. Next Dsis does bugger all very little. But guess which one of us gets all the credit for visiting when she manages to get to see mum once in 6 weeks. - I'll give you a clue, not the three of us who all go at least 3 times each a week, not the sister that travels for 3 hours and spends a fortune on travel and boat fares to get here!!!

We are having a Christmas celebration today as it is the only day that we can all be together. Dad is "maybe" coming, but mum wont be as I don't want to unsettle her from her new home. Then DS is travelling to London later today and goes off to Austria skiing tomorrow.
I wish you all the best CHristmas that you can have this year. May you all have something to smile and chuckle about, even if things are really tough.

Well, that's a bit of an opening epic

Hi PA! No sports activity needed, it just helps me hold onto my remaining marbles.

Maybe we could get our dads together so they could be cantankerous together? I start to think mine will get barred from the pub for his continual complaints about everything - though I recognise this may be the same phase mum went through when her social skills had gone tbh.

Your mum sounds lovely. How wonderful that her core is such a kind person.

I have to work till 12 today allegedly though there are no emails (hurrah) so I can get on with a document that is always at the bottom of my priority list. Though usually at this point someone has something super urgent that comes up!

Welcome pa- sounds like you have done really well to get your dm into such a good place. And this is a great place to rant and share our frustrations- plus brilliant info and support.
Hope your day goes well today.

Wow PA, Alzheimers for 12 years? And not recognised family for 3 or more. That must be really tough. Can I ask how old she is?
Well done you on getting her into a good nursing home. Sorry to hear that your dad is more belligerent - you must be a very patient person!

Welcome PA I am glad you have found us I have had great support on this thread. Indeed as dementia progresses one is grateful for what might appear to be small blessings- it's good that your mother's loveliness is still able to come through.
Also wanted to belatedly welcome Purplewithred (posted on the 22nd). After all dementia (which most of us on this thread are dealing with) is not the be all and end all of parental vulnerability. I hope things work out really well with your mother's move into residential care, do post again.

Thank you all fro the lovely welcome!

Tilly - Mum is 85 (and a half) and dad is 87, been married 64 years. I really am not that patient!! But seeing how my parents are in old age I have decided that I am going to culture the characteristics I have inherited from my mum and try and kill of my dad's personality traits!

We survived dad here yesterday with all the family. We have 5DC, one son in law and one grandson. All was lovely and CHristmas chaos with the grandson (aged 22 months) being adorable doting nan boast . Dad did, however have a moan about mum "deliberately" ignoring their wedding anniversary and his birthday which have both fallen within the last few weeks. So he had decided that because she doesn't care he wont bother to get her anything for Christmas, as a punishment - "and then maybe she will see how upset she has made me!" He is in total denial about the whole dementia issue and is still insisting that mum is just being "Awkward" and this new nursing home that she is in is going to make her better. He hates that the other residents will "teach" mum bad habits - like not knowing who he is!! I totally despair with him and if we dare to point out, gently, a few home truths, his stock reply is that we don't understand then he sulks and refuses to speak to us. Hey ho!!

Have a lovely day today. I am sat here alone as DD1, DD2 and DD4 have agreed to wake up "early" at 9am!! A bit different from Christmas's past when 5.30 was the Christmas morning lie in!! DH has just surfaced and gone on a Christmas morning bike ride. (much like his Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday morning bike rides, but he can only do this one once a year! ) Yes, he is an obsessive cyclist!
I had a facebook message from a very excited DS who is sat in a hotel in London waiting for his journey to Austria to begin.

Happy Christmas pa and everyone! Just having a cuppa before sorting sprouts, waking dd and collecting dm! Thinking of you all!

Thanks for your good wishes Sandwich hope your Christmas is going well and your mum is on reasonably good form.Must admit i felt a bit wobbly earlier thinking of Dad in hospital and bro no doubt alone (he didn't join us, I suspect he's pretty depressed). Then just got on with it. In the afternoon we went out to visit some friends who are about 10 years younger than us and quite hipsterish so that was a tonic.
Best wishes to all on this thread xxx

A belated welcome to PositiveAttitude. Hope everyone's day yesterday was a good one.

We were supposed to be Skyping with my Brother, Mother and nephew yesterday but got an email saying could we do it today as he had got caught up in a lunchtime drinking session I rang and spoke to her which was sort of OK and they got her out to the restaurant for Christmas dinner.

It was lovely and peaceful here apart from the fact I couldn't find DD's main present. She took it in good spirits and found it in her stocking after DH and I had ransacked the upstairs.

Happy Christmas everyone - hope you're all surviving! We had a lovely Christmas Eve and Day

Glad your call with your DM was OKish SugarPlum.

We are en route to DMs. I have had a knot in my stomach since I picked up a text from a family friend on Christmas Eve night which said DM was flapping about her TV and heating not working. She was less coherent than previously when we spoke to her yesterday morning, so just waiting to see what's what. Hopefully just a storm in a teacup!

Good morning. I hope you have all had a good few days.

whataboutbob This time of year is such a hard time if you are suffering from depression and alone. I hope you can connect with your Bro soon.

SugarPlum I hope you were able to Skype yesterday and that it went well.

Tilly I hope the storm was contained in the teacup!

I spoke with dad yesterday who had had a lovely day on Christmas day at the nursing home with mum. The staff had let them have their own room and Dad said that they had served them like royalty with a 4 course Christmas meal. They then sat on the sofa holding hands and fell asleep for the afternoon - just like they always did at home. I was so pleased that he sounded so positive about it all and seemed to have accepted the whole nursing home idea.......then he said "I need to speak with someone to find out how we can get mum over this nonsense illness and get her back home and normal again!"

Does anyone else's relatives just not accept the dementia? How do you handle it? If we gently say anything to dad he gets cross with us so it is easier to say nothing and give a sympathetic look. I am not sure that is the best way, though as it seems to feed his none acceptance. My siblings all agree that it is easier to deal with mum's dementia than it is dealing with dad's non-coping with it.

Friends coming for lunch today. One is Coeliac, so I am going to have to go shopping for some stuff even though our fridge is stuffed full!

Have a good day.

Hope your Mother ok and all well up there BTM

PositiveAttitude that sounds like a lovely day for them. My Brother was deeply in denial about my Mother's dementia. He got very shitty when we sent her info on it a couple of years before she was diagnosed. Then when she was diagnosed he still didn't come back to the uk to see her. In total he didn't see her for 5.5 years but was trying to make decisions about her care saying I was too close to it and he could be more objective as at a distance. The health professionals here got really cross about it, they said how could he possibly understand if he hadn't seen her? But he lawyer etc up at the drop of a hat so they had to be careful. He wasn't allowed to remove her from one care home and was threatened by SS that they would take him to the COP at one point. I think denial is very very common.

No Skype , not a surprise. Even my 16 year old DD calls him flaky now.

PA that sounds so sweet - reminds me of a film - is it called The Notebook?
Sorry that your dad isn't accepting her condition though.

SugarPlum sorry there's been no Skype, but at least you know your DM is his responsibility now, and that she seems to be being well looked after.

DM was quite flappy when we arrived, but settled down when I had "mended" her TV (had mangled the 14pin plug) and reassured her about the heating. However it is clear to all that she is needing some support - need to keep chatting to her about that! DD is sleeping over there and we will go back after we have roused DS and had breakfast!

So DM is taking her heart pills and Galantamine with couple of slugs of sloe gin

Can't blame her really BTM! I bought dad a bottle of Aldi Archers as he's now having one a day

A whole bottle a day? DMs just having a nip or two!
I'm not worried - think it's quite funny!

Oh no, just a shot a day. But for a man who used to have 2 pints of cider a year max, this has been quite a development . Not that it will be doing his blood sugar any good, but hey, I can't get too worked up about that.

Same as my mum then - if it helps them to get through the day/night, then so be it!

Glad she's ok BTM and at least she is taking her tablets! My Mothernever used to drink but now seems to have a beer or two most days.

Apparently she was very difficult with the baby, was telling them all what to do and wouldn't let them play with. Him on the floor. They had to keep the visits short (I did tell him this would be the way forward, hence no Skype) . He said he's glad it is over, that echoes about 8 Christmases with my Mother and the DC so could totally relate to that.

Wow a load of enablers is coming out of the closet (joke!). My bro got in the habit of giving Dad a sherry glass size drink of wine every evening. Some of the carers got twitched about it but I really couldn't get that bothered. Bro believed Dad liked it and why the hell not.
Am going to visit tomorrow, Dad in hospital and bro at home. Am quite worried the house will be extra squalid with bro at the sole controls (carers not going in anymore of course as Dad no longer lives there, although they are still sitting with Dad all day in hospital, as the ward requests it).