I despair, I wish I could just not care, but dear god give me strength

[Kbear]

I can't even begin to explain but I am going to blow a gasket. I care for my elderly in laws. It's a minefield, and a nightmare, and stressful and how does life come to this.

I just got off the phone to MIL, she is rambling, she doesn't listen, I try to help, she talks over me, she's had a lovely afternoon while I was panicking at work because I phoned and she was calling out for FIL and saying oh god oh god, what shall I do? then the phone went dead. So I rang BIL, my DH was at work, I was at work, all miles away. SIL drove over there and there they were all happy as larry drinking tea and the phone's on the side off the hook. Tonight she doesn't even remember SIL going over there.

She forgot to give FIL his meds for four months. I just found out last week. Arranged all their meds again, she can't remember to give them. They're in a box marked for the days of the week, she gives Monday morning and Thursday morning instead of Monday morning and Monday evening.

Today they thought they'd go to the pub for lunch - FIL doesn't know his own name or where he lives, he can hardly walk but off they trundle down the garden to waiting cab, he falls over, almost takes her with him.

How in hell can I look after them? I have two jobs, two kids, one DH!

There's so much more, I am too exhausted to explain, DH is on nights so I;m not calling him to talk and stress him out even more.

I want to cry. No response necessary. Just getting it out there.

Does your MIL have dementia? She sounds like she is struggling with her memory.
(You have my sympathy - I have a not elderly, but slightly dependant Mum who has a memory problem and is driving me round the twist..)

she's just had appointment for dementia screening - scored 9 out of 10. But she doesn't get much sleep, FIL tries to escape, sees people in their flat, swears at her, tells he she is getting married to someone else next week, so apart from anything she is exhausted, confused, overwhelmed. He took her wedding ring and hid it, think he flushed it down the loo. He is incontinent.

I spent half an hour on hold to the doctors surgery today, held in a queue. I was trying to work and hiding in an office making calls to get them some help. I emailed the surgery to explain how bad it is. No reply. yet.

Social services. They are two vulnerable elderly, you need to get a care package wrapped around them, if they should still live at home. Which may not be a good idea, living at home I mean. Who cooks? How many dinners per day? Or any at all? The meds is a serious thing. Somebody else need to take over this.

Good luck.

They need carers don't they - or at least someone ( " cleaner " ?) to go in once or twice a day to oversee meds etc.

I imagine they won't see the need for any help .

It sounds simply dreadful ,wish I knew what to say .

My mother very muddled today ,but still quite capable of rebuffing my perfectly kind and sensitively offered help re food preperation - so I know it will be breadsticks again for dinner and her haemaglobin will continue to plummet .

I know i should be sympathetic ....but it drives you crazy doesn't it ?

for you Kbear .

Sympathy from me too. You need help- you can't take all this on yourself . Social services must be involved- crossroads too. You have your life too.

I am trying to get care for them - god knows I've been on the phone for hours to various people. He has seen psychiatrist for assessment and they told me she needed assessment too. I've arranged the district nurse to come tomorrow to take blood from her as she can't get to the hospital and leave him and can't take him with her and we're all at work. I've told her every day this week and tonight she rang me and doesn't remember, then she said it's for him and I said no it's for you and it's like talking to yourself.

She tells everyone they're fine and don't need any help. They don't need cooking or cleaning help, she can manage and one of us family (me and DH mostly) call in nearly every day BUT they let people in, sign up to all sorts, give over their bank cards to anyone who asks, she has pin number written in her purse (the chemist told me that), he has £800 in his wallet that he loses at least twice a day.

They are so vulnerable.

She swings between crying all over me and saying thank you for all you do, then she is nasty and says "no one asked you to interfere thank YOU very much, I'll deal with our appointments thank you very much, I'm not stupid". Not stupid... no ... but my 10 year old wouldn't let someone in the house and hand over their bank details and not remember who the hell it was...

Oh crikey KBear .

Is there any mileage at all in trying to talk to her along the lines of what a strain it must be looking after husband and it must be getting to her because you realise normally the last thing she'd do is ...let someone in and give them bank details or whatever . ?

So that she'd accept that she needs some outside help ?

( I didn't really mean a cleaner ,just a responsible adult dressed up as a cleaner that she might consider to " lighten her load " )

Well done on getting someone to come and take bloods ....hope it leads to something . She's clearly ill .

Sympathies x 100

so 5 am phone call this morning - she's calling the paramedics. OK I say, but my DH on nights and still at work and I'm at home with the children so can't go there. Called BIL to deal. Called MIL and spoke to the paramedics who were the same ones who came out to him last Thursday when he was admitted to hosp for the day then sent home.

District nurse coming between 8-9 to take blood from HER. She thinks it's for him. So remind her again. "Don't eat or drink, nurse coming to take blood from you". ring her at 9, yes, the nurse has been, taken urine sample from HIM, no blood test for HER. I'm at work in London and about to screaaaaaaaaaaam.

This is impossible.

I'm just ranting, I need to word it. I can't keep ranting to colleague.

Huge sympathies Kbear. Just about to try and get hold of my parents GP myself

So sorry KBear - I'm like that with putting it into words ,keep writing long emails to sil and then thinking ,I can't send that .

Nurse was a bit of a major fail then wasn't she ?
Surely she arrives with instructions from GP ?
She has to have instructions/formal request to take bloods ,not rely on client to remind her ?
Phone District Nursing Team /email them ....request another visit ,explain situation ,thinly veiled hints of complaining ?

What can I say - is there a MN emoticon for scream ?

I'm looking into getting power of attourney for my Mum - have you any authority where your PIL are concerned?

Have a good vent on here, it might not solve the problem, but it might save your colleagues ears.
It really doesn't sound as if your FIL is well enough to be looked after in the home without some extra support, your MIL will crack from the strain if this continues.

Thing is with the nurse if MIL refused there is very little nurse can do without the risk of being charged with assault, and you only have MIL version of events...

I found it was impossible to do let my mum handle health care professionals on her own. I needed to be there to talk her around and persuade her.

Not what you want to hear though. Sorry.

How did it become this bad without anybody doing anything about it before? Dementia usually develops quite slowly and over time.

Kbear, jesus what a situation, am sorry

I remember you from your holiday to Florida years ago!

anyway all I can say is keep pestering the social services at the council, also ask if they have an older peoples team

contact ageuk, see if they can help

bombard the gp, if you can

I know how hard it is when you're at work trying to deal with this all, you sound at the end of your tether, hugs to you, I've been there

impossible to get help when the oldies tell everyone they are "fine" and the assessor gets out of there as quick as they can

good luck, all you can do is keep trying to get them help that they can accept,

in fact its impossible all round, whilst not losing the plot yourself

just use this thread to vent away, you need to get it off your chest

Same here Quintessential about not letting my mother deal with Gps ,nurses ,etc .
She misunderstands ,gets hold of wrong end of stick ,invents things ,doesn't mention others ,is rude and uncooperative .
Though no help to OP - not as if she can clone herself and be in 4 places at once .
You could try leaving notes for nurse ,asking mil to ask them to phone you when they visit pil ?/? But probably wouldn't work .
I wonder if mil did actually refuse a blood test or just not keen ,denied knowledge ?
Good luck Kbear .

trouble is, as we know, if elderly person says they are fine then they are taken at their word by the social services, gp, hospital, anyone else

if they turn carers away we can do nothing

its ridiculous and infuriating in equal measure

He's in hospital... fell today outside the front door... I'm on hold to A&E now. Paramedics didn't take him this this morning but took this afternoon....

It's been going on for months and we've been managed Quint but now it's got worse suddenly. We live in the same place, a minute from them, we go every day, shop for them etc, but MIL is fiercely independent and you can't just barge in on someone's life can you? He's been ill for 30 years, had a bypass when he was 52 - he's now 86! Second bypass at 66. 8 heart attacks, parkinsons and now diabetes. He's had an ongoing urine infection for months which they can't seem to clear up and that has altered his mental state dramatically.

Trust me, we noticed and have been caring for them. Now they need intervention from outside and it's a minefield trying to get it.

it is a minefield, kbear, you're spot on

took me literally years to get my mum sorted, almost lost the will to live myself and I;m not being flippant

my situation wasn't helped by mum and siblings who rarely visited telling me I "worry too much"

good luck xx

PS once he's in hospital he becomes their responsibility so now might be your chance to get something like a care package rushed through, have a word with his consultant when he gets one, get him to write to your local ss, above all get him assessed in hospital and dont let them fob you off with "he can live independantly at home"

cry if you have to, in front of the officials, I did

So, the fabulous A&E doctor is horrified that they admitted him last week for a day and let him come home again. He is definitely admitting and wants to admit MIL as well and thinks she has dementia and def not capable of looking after him. He said they need a care package. I pray that this is the breakthrough we need to get them some proper help.

Been in tears to my mum. I can't get a grip. I think it's relief that finally someone is noticing how bad it is.

Absolutely - hope he's admitted so that you can try for an assesment .

It is a minefield and of course it would be better if they co operated regarding accepting help ...but sometimes it does come down to be very forceful .

Sure you don't need telling any of this and I'm also sure it's a 100 times more complicated than it sounds on here .

MIL is going to freak out if they say she needs to be admitted. She won't have anyone saying she can't manage. SHe's bitten my head off so many timeswhen I offer to help. "I'm not senile", "I'm not stupid, thank you very much, don't try to take over", "I've managed his meds for 30 years thank you very much".

Then she calls me at 3am because he is swearing at her and being abusive and she doesn't know what to do.

Sounds like your A&E doctor could be the start of something - fingers crossed for you.
My Nan had a fall recently and the hospital were quite thorough and made sure her home was assessed and she was properly recovered before they allowed her home.

Peter the A&E doc is a legend so far! I am envisaging him as a McDreamy. I'm sure he is!

KBear I'm sure your mil does say all that .
You get to a point where you have to disagree and point out the 3am phone calls ,her age ,incidents she's forgotten things .
She'll bite your head off ,but it's a process .
Sorry ,I sound harsh and as tho it's simple .
I don't mean to ,your situation sounds grim and complex .

I really hope things progress quickly, well done for not giving up on them and the whole lack-of-social-care situation.