I despair, I wish I could just not care, but dear god give me strength

[Kbear]

I can't even begin to explain but I am going to blow a gasket. I care for my elderly in laws. It's a minefield, and a nightmare, and stressful and how does life come to this.

I just got off the phone to MIL, she is rambling, she doesn't listen, I try to help, she talks over me, she's had a lovely afternoon while I was panicking at work because I phoned and she was calling out for FIL and saying oh god oh god, what shall I do? then the phone went dead. So I rang BIL, my DH was at work, I was at work, all miles away. SIL drove over there and there they were all happy as larry drinking tea and the phone's on the side off the hook. Tonight she doesn't even remember SIL going over there.

She forgot to give FIL his meds for four months. I just found out last week. Arranged all their meds again, she can't remember to give them. They're in a box marked for the days of the week, she gives Monday morning and Thursday morning instead of Monday morning and Monday evening.

Today they thought they'd go to the pub for lunch - FIL doesn't know his own name or where he lives, he can hardly walk but off they trundle down the garden to waiting cab, he falls over, almost takes her with him.

How in hell can I look after them? I have two jobs, two kids, one DH!

There's so much more, I am too exhausted to explain, DH is on nights so I;m not calling him to talk and stress him out even more.

I want to cry. No response necessary. Just getting it out there.

I see light at the end of tunnel now and at least she will get some sleep I hope tonight, not disturbed by his hallucinations and bad dreams. If I can get her healthy again that will be one less worry. I need to step in with the meals more and not worry so much about hurting her feelings and not be put off by her insisting she can cope - she can't. Eating and drinking properly will be paramount.

He, I fear, is near the end of his road. I hope his end is at least dignified. I want to think of him as a proud Black Watch soldier, not the way he is now.

I'm going to bed now - thanks for your words of support so far. Appreciated. :)

good luck again kbear

one thought that might give you hope, your in laws are part of the generation that listen to doctors, if you can get this doctor on your side and talking to her about getting admitted she may listen to him, when she ignores/is rude to you

I talked to my mum about moving for years and was ignored, till one visit from her dr who had a 2 minute conversation with her and then she was all for moving

seriously, this is your chance

Good luck. Hope the a&e doc manage to sort something out.

Your mum might feel better when she has had a few good nights of good sleep.

My dad was like a new person after mum was sectioned (it had to get that bad), and he did not have to keep himself awake to ensure she did not burn the house down during her nightly cooking efforts, etc. Amazing what some sleep can do.

But if she has dementia, dont be surprised if she wakes you up at 3 am in panic that her husband is missing.

Would they consider gettign deliveries of frozen meals? My 80-year0old Dad has just started getting Wiltshire Farm Food meal deliveries (after many years of "I'm fine eating Morrison's crap" and he is a convert!

Hello KBear, came to your thread quite late but basically I think the A&E doctor has said all I was going to say. (If they hadn't been in hospital, I would have suggested an urgent GP appointment - or if they can't give you an urgent appointment to take them to hospital, who often have rapid access services for the elderly for this sort of thing.) Yes, your MIL herself does have symptoms of dementia or a physical disease masquerading as dementia, eg thyroid disease, etc. But if she is being admitted they will check all that, more than a 10 question screening questionnaire will achieve (of course, those tests can be misleading too - dementia patients can get everything right, and normal people can get a low score!)
If any consolation, a friend had this same problem - her confused mum kept saying she was fine. They used to visit her and find all her uneaten meals in the fridge - even ones they had prepared and put out on a plate for her. The only solution for them was to have her move in with them. It has helped her a lot, but to this day, she still insists she is fine, not senile, doesn't want to be "taken over", but asks you the same question ten minutes after you've just answered it and had a long discussion about it,.....then asks you again. (It hasn't helped my friend that much, although the family chip in to help, this month she is considering trying to get a carer in).
This is draining, yes. And yes, it can often make you want to scream. The irritable mood followed by the sweet mood is part of the process - I am afraid it will continue, you just have to be prepared for it to happen, and not take it personally (as hard as that is). And time to lock up her money and debit cards. You may want to discuss with your DH about the power of attorney stuff.

headline news today.... www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-17389588

your posts since last night have all helped so much - I have carers service visiting me today so I am hopeful of progress. The A&E doc might just have saved us all. I think most of her problem is sleep depravation, which as anyone with a newborn will tell you is a form of madness.

ssd - yes, they do listen to doctors!! very true

that article is so depressing, what they're saying is that even if your elderly relatives get homecare sometimes its so bad you still need to check upon them everyday to backup the care, makes you wonder what the point

my mum had lovely ladies coming in to her, bar one

the council have recently changed it al land now she has no idea who is turning up

but its better than nothing, I know that

stress the bad points today Kbear,, make it something they can't ignore or get away with one visit a day and stress that your MIL thinks everything is fine, also tell them what its doing to you and your family

hugs again, its an awful time, but I think you might get somewhere with the hospitals help if you can summon the energy to fight for it

kbear - power of attorney is vital. Without that you can't even begin to sort the other problems out.

I speak from long and bitter experience.

You need to get in touch with AGE uk (Used to be AGE concern and Help the aged I think). They will help you through all the legal stuff.

My mother had dementia, I am caring for my inlaws who are very similar to yours. It is obvious that your MIL has dementia, so you need to have the legal right to manage her affairs. It will be easier for your DH to get this I think. Once you have that you can deal with the bank cards, bank details etc and monitor their bank accounts online.

When talking to them, dont focus on the inconvenience to you, but health and safety of them and others.

The thing that health and safety professionals DONT want, is vulnerable elderly wandering out and about at night, causing possible accidents. And incorrect medication, and to a degree malnutrition.

They are not able to look after themselves.
They have no concept of time.
Night and day have little meaning.
You worry that they will forget food on the cooker and cause a fire.

You worry that medication is incorrect, either because they think they have taken it already, dont understand they need it, or dont remember they have taken it and take it again, so they either under or over medicate.

You worry that fils hallucinations are going to cause harm, and that he start wondering off outside, possibly causing or having an accident in the night.

etc.

Good luck

I would not recommend moving them in with you. Not if you have young children.

Kbear I was just about to say that, harsh as it sounds, you could try telling the staff at the hospital that he cannot go home unless they sort out some care: they have a legal duty (I think) to make sure that there is care in place if needed. I had to do this with my Dad, and I felt awful, but it needed to be done.

Hospital may have a team who will arrange interim care for when he is discharged; he was entitled to 6 weeks (?) free interim care, suring which time SS visited at home to arrange ongoing care (which he would have needed to pay for). They are supposed to take into account the needs of the wider family and not just assume that they will look after the elderly people

If they don't have it already, you should consider applying for them bothe to claim attendance allowance, and maybe someone in the family needs to get a power of attorney

I'd def ask to speak to the Dr responsible for your dad and make sure they are totally aware of the state of play. Ask that you be informed of any care changes, and register your concerns about their home situation.
My parents will sit and say complete untruths to the Dr - like mums last admission 'do you ever leak wee ?' 'oh no' - later Dad says to me 'of course shes had to wear a pad night and day for 5 years', and he's supposed to be the sane one !
I felt her emergency admission was really a turning point in getting them on a better track - though am still waiting for her appointment with the cognitive impairment service to turn up

Went to the hosp today - they're not letting either of them come out. He's not in a fit state mentally or physically and I think he may not be with us much longer (although we said that 25 years ago... he is like Highlander and is in fact immortal)....

She attacked us verbally (me and DH) as soon as we arrived. She said "you've put us in here, it's not the first time, you've done it again", "I'll never forgive the two of you for what you've done", "YOU (pointing at me), YOU'VE been spreading it about".

It was horrific - DH had to leave the room. She was threatening to call the police. She has no idea she is in fact a patient and has been admitted - she honestly thinks she can go home. She thinks they gave her a bed for the night so she could stay with him. They're on same ward at the moment.

She said that I put her in there when in fact SHE called the ambulance yesterday because he fell out the front door - turns out an hour earlier he had fallen indoors - we went to their flat today and there are loads of smashed ornaments. She still thought he was ok to walk round the village even after that.

When DH said "Mum, you called the ambulance yourself", she said "yes but that was last week, we've been here a week, I didn't come here today". It was ramble that made no sense.

DH gone for a pint tonight - kids are out. I am glad of the solitude. So upset.

and I know not to take it personally, she has been known to be a bit spiteful in the past and never held back from speaking her mind and to hell with the consequences. But when you've tried so hard to get help for them and she says to us she'll never forgive us, well, it takes a lot of strength not walk away and say stuff you then, get on with it.

yet here I am crying again over the hopelessness of the situation

Have a great big hug. You know its absolutely its the right place for both of them, and in a terrible way, you want her to be as bad as possible in hospital so that she is accurately assessed. And its not her talking and saying awful things, its whatever is happening in her brain. It sounds like she is really disorientated atm

she is in a bad way mentally - I have seen it before in other elderly family members - but you can't say anything to her, she twists everything you say. DH's brothers are going to visit tonight. God help them. Or maybe it's only the people that actually look after them on a daily basis and actually give a toss that get the venom from her. The ones that sail in and never do a damn thing will probably get a big hug.

It all sounds exhausting. I expect you are emotionally near the end of your tether.
At least they are in the right place and hopefully a care package can be put in for them.
It's good you don't take it all personally. I think when people have a spiteful/grumpy side to them when they are younger, they don't turn into cuddly oldies when they get older unfortunately. Often, their inhibitions come down and they do show that horrible side of themselves more.
Hang on in there.

Kbear I have no advice but I just want to say how lovely and caring you sound, and what an amazing job you're doing in what must be a very stressful situation. Take care to look after yourself too or everything will collapse.

Oh Kbear, I have no experience or advice to share but I do really feel for you and your DH. Lets hope the hospital help with a care package now.

I have my mum, my rock, to support me/us as well as good friends who let me rant away and get it off my chest. I'm ok. I am going to paint walls tomorrow in DS's room. Bright yellow and all sunny! Painting will soothe me I'm sure.

Thank you all for bothering to post with your support and wise words. Means alot.