I despair, I wish I could just not care, but dear god give me strength

[Kbear]

I can't even begin to explain but I am going to blow a gasket. I care for my elderly in laws. It's a minefield, and a nightmare, and stressful and how does life come to this.

I just got off the phone to MIL, she is rambling, she doesn't listen, I try to help, she talks over me, she's had a lovely afternoon while I was panicking at work because I phoned and she was calling out for FIL and saying oh god oh god, what shall I do? then the phone went dead. So I rang BIL, my DH was at work, I was at work, all miles away. SIL drove over there and there they were all happy as larry drinking tea and the phone's on the side off the hook. Tonight she doesn't even remember SIL going over there.

She forgot to give FIL his meds for four months. I just found out last week. Arranged all their meds again, she can't remember to give them. They're in a box marked for the days of the week, she gives Monday morning and Thursday morning instead of Monday morning and Monday evening.

Today they thought they'd go to the pub for lunch - FIL doesn't know his own name or where he lives, he can hardly walk but off they trundle down the garden to waiting cab, he falls over, almost takes her with him.

How in hell can I look after them? I have two jobs, two kids, one DH!

There's so much more, I am too exhausted to explain, DH is on nights so I;m not calling him to talk and stress him out even more.

I want to cry. No response necessary. Just getting it out there.

Kbear, so sorry - have a big .

And so true about the main carer/contact getting all the abuse. It's so hard when they're not in their right minds. My grandfather got very abusive at one stage of alzheimers and we just had to remember him before when he was the sweetest kindest person you could meet

Kbear - hope you stay strong and have a nice treat for yourself tonight, whether it's a movie or a nice long soak in the bath with scented candles.

You are probably aware of this but I will just reiterate that her reactions on the ward have no bearing on the good you have done - better that she says she hates but you have kept her safe, than for you to have left them alone and have something awful happen to them both. I think it is safe to say that they are both still alive today (like the Highlander analogy!) because you've played a major part in ensuring their wellbeing. Your conscience is clear, you've done the right thing.

It is true that sometimes the main carer gets the venom while visitors get hugs. It's because she knows you will always be there for her, so she lets her guard down (and sometimes the self control) in front of you, because she trusts you. She may say she doesn't, but of course she does, otherwise she won't be ringing you. Dubious honour, my mum used to say, when caring for elderly relatives. But it's true. She has to be nice to other family members and visitors that she doesn't see often because to her they are a novelty - they don't see her as often - and seeing them is a social call. FWIW, I think the nurses and doctors will be very sympathetic towards you, they've seen it all before (and worse).

That said, I hope you make the most of the time they are in hospital to recharge your batteries and rest your mind. I hope your DH is supporting you a lot at this time. Wishing you a lovely day on Sunday - maybe don't go to the hospital that day, just let you DH go on his own perhaps, or maybe they will have other visitors.

Sounds like a horrible visit, she is clearly very unwell. Try to remember you are being kind and loving and she just can't understand that anymore. I really hope that everyone pulls their fingers out and sorts out decent care for them.

Thank you.

DH just called me from pub, he's gone outside to call me. He said isn't it just so sad. We are strong together, I'm his rock and he is mine. It will be ok. I hope fate intervenes and takes his Dad before he loses any more of his dignity. I want to remember the old man as he was, not like I saw him today.

His brother rang, he's been up there and apparently MIL said she is going to get an Army together and come back and kill everyone.

KBear. Much sympathy; it sounds very hard.

Someone down thread said similar but I think you need to be really hard with hospital when it comes to them being discharged. Do not have them home unless the care is in place and also have you asked for a carers assessment for yourselves? You have a legal right to an assessment of your own needs.

KBear - so sorry ,horrible for you .

My mum went through a phase like that - shouting and swearing in hospital ,accusing them of filming her and begging me to take her home .

She was dehydrated and her pottasium and sodium levels were completely wrong .

I'm only saying this to underline the fact that it's the illness making her like this .
But I know you know this .
Be prepared for crap hospital care at the weekend ,things will improve on Monday .

More posts from me tonight than in the last year!

Just spoke to MIL's sister who is just back from the hosp.

FIL gone for a scan - he's been there a day and a half and now they've realised that he is actually in pain and might have broken something in the fall.... they've been rolling him around the bed to change the sheets and he was crying out but they assumed I suppose it was just distress that he didn't want to be moved but now it seems he is in pain.

MIL is madder than ever tonight - refuses to eat or drink, abusing the staff. Her sis and husband were there, as well as my MIL, SIL and their daughters. She was saying all kinds of crazy stuff.

Gave her sis a shopping list... bottle of brandy, six glasses, lemonade and ice cream.

We have been assured she won't be going anywhere until care services are put in place so I can stop panicking for the weekend, at least.

saggar - I had a carer assessment today - was useful. Gave me the know how to insist that they don't let her how without social workers involvement etc.

Oh that's good Kbear.

Have a peaceful weekend at least.

Kbear have nothing useful to add just ((hug)) and , as i read on here the other week , cant remember which mner said it - her reality is not yours. Its not that she hates you in spite of thins you ve done , in her mind you may have done something awful , its real to her even though it never happened.
I know you know this already. Just remind yourself when you feel bad shes not in the same reality as you are and try and go from there :)

No, they won't do anything over the weekend because the social services and other departments are closed at weekends. And from the sounds of MIL and FIL's symptoms, earliest would be next Monday I reckon (unless they've found a medical magic wand that hasn't been invented yet) - ie 26 March, if even that. In a way, it might be a good thing that your MIL is acting up a lot in there -could be doing you a favour! -
if she was too calm, pleasant and normally behaved, she'd have to be discharged sooner, but I am guessing they will now have to run a battery of blood tests and other tests to check that there isn't some underlying condition that might be causing her to behave histrionically.

Oh God Kbear... I just read the bit about how she has her PIN numbers in her purse... my mum has written hers in black ink on the OUTSIDE of her pale pink purse... AND she says them out loud whilst pressing the buttons . She then drops the card into her very baggy, open trouser pocket.

Dementia is more noticeable when people are in unfamiliar environments - scary for family to see this. I guess your mil has been checked for a wee infection? The Alzheimer society website has fab info.

She has a bladder infection too apparently. Plus not eating properly or drinking much so dehydrated.

Oh boy.

It is good that you are a tower of strength. Please do not take her venom personally. In a while, a few weeks or so, she will be more settled and calm.

To be honest, you should consider insisting that they are not let back to their home, but to look into a nursing home for them. Are there any decent ones in your vicinity?

Bladder infections make old people really really strange, like dementia, so that could be a big factor. When my mum was in hospital with an undignosed UTI, she tried to call a cab to take her to see my Dad in the middle of the night. I am glad that things seem to be being dealt with,I was so grateful that you posted on my thread about my parents, as they are in a similar condition, although not quite as extreme yet. I hope that now some support will be put in place. I think its likely that they will say your FIL needs to be in a nursing home, as that is the upshot with my Dad he also has Parks/lewy body dementia and sounds more lucid than your poor FIL. With your MIL it may be that she improves no end once the infection is dealt with. I hope so. You sound such a caring and lovely DIL, they are very lucky.

I have spoken to the hosp but at this stage they are only interested in getting them medically fit and said they won't be discharged until then and then the social workers will discuss with the family what is best for them going forward.

Kbear - you sound so strong, you must be the most enormous comfort to your DH and the rest of the family. Try and take comfort from the fact that the people your PILs used to be, would be grateful for all you are doing.

I went through all this with my grandparents, grandma in particular, and it is awful.
During one episode she though I was my mum, and that DH was some fancy man I had taken up with, and she ranted at me in the middle of an open ward. She, thankfully, had no recollection.

Hang in there.

So sorry for what you are going through kbear, also your MIL and FIL, it's 100% clear that it cannot go on as before. Urine infections can really knock older people for six, hopefully this is the case for your MIL, although I wouldn't rule out something underlying.

I worked on a medical ward looking after many many patients with dementia/ uti's and honestly the things I have heard would make your hair curl, try not to take your Mil's ranting personally, she is obviously not very lucid .

Good luck that you will get things sorted.

So, phone call from hospital at half eleven last night asking for a family member to please come to the ward to try and calm MIL down. She was hitting nurses, swearing, saying she was going to slit their throats.

OMG, I was in bed, kids in bed, DH home but had a few beers so couldn't drive.

I said I didn't think our presence would calm things down, after what she said to all the family members who visited yesterday, in fact I thought it would make it worse.

They had moved him to another ward and were trying to get her to go with him and she was kicking off.

I have never heard her swear. She is a little 82 year old lady of under 5 feet tall and they were talking about calling security. I said what the hell is security going to do, hold her down? What happens next, you must see this all the time, I said. Nurse unsure.

So I called BILs 2 and 3 (BIL 1 having opted out of all responsibility) and let them deal with it. They didn't go though cos I just phoned hospital. She did eventually move but has now barricaded herself in her room that she is sharing with FIL and put a chair in front of the door so the nurses can't get in.

I'm saying sorry to the nurse, she's not normally like this, she has gone just MAD, only word to describe it. She said she is being treated for bladder infection but refuses her meds, food, drinks.

After 64 years together she is going to miss seeing the old man pass away because this madness has overcome her.

FIL had a scan last night for potential broken bones - results not available until MONDAY. So he'll be left in agony since THURSDAY. Dear god, is that care?

Again, I thank everyone for their responses to my ramblings. I am just getting it out there, it helps. I have a tightness in my chest today. DS playing football in the park at 10 - I am going to walk laps of the park to calm myself while he's there. I need to breathe.

Kbear
this is a lot for you to take on
Can't bils help out more
Or sil's?

SILs?? hahahahahahahahaha

BILs.... two out of three getting involved, one opted out completely.

Kbear, I couldn't read and not post.
Ihave no experience of this, sorry, but I hope you get some respite and they get some decent care.
You have my every sympathy.