I despair, I wish I could just not care, but dear god give me strength

[Kbear]

I can't even begin to explain but I am going to blow a gasket. I care for my elderly in laws. It's a minefield, and a nightmare, and stressful and how does life come to this.

I just got off the phone to MIL, she is rambling, she doesn't listen, I try to help, she talks over me, she's had a lovely afternoon while I was panicking at work because I phoned and she was calling out for FIL and saying oh god oh god, what shall I do? then the phone went dead. So I rang BIL, my DH was at work, I was at work, all miles away. SIL drove over there and there they were all happy as larry drinking tea and the phone's on the side off the hook. Tonight she doesn't even remember SIL going over there.

She forgot to give FIL his meds for four months. I just found out last week. Arranged all their meds again, she can't remember to give them. They're in a box marked for the days of the week, she gives Monday morning and Thursday morning instead of Monday morning and Monday evening.

Today they thought they'd go to the pub for lunch - FIL doesn't know his own name or where he lives, he can hardly walk but off they trundle down the garden to waiting cab, he falls over, almost takes her with him.

How in hell can I look after them? I have two jobs, two kids, one DH!

There's so much more, I am too exhausted to explain, DH is on nights so I;m not calling him to talk and stress him out even more.

I want to cry. No response necessary. Just getting it out there.

Kbear, many many hugs to you, you sure need them

you are doing brilliantly

go for your walk and take deep breaths, wish you were here and I'd walk with you

can you speak to her consultant, make it clear they have to know how to deal with her, your getting a phone call in the middle of the night isn't helping anyone, you have kids and can't just drop everything all the time

this is a total mess but honestly you've done the best thing by them, the hospital need to deal with this now

its awful, but you and your dh will get through this, hopefully you will get some answers next week

earlier on in the thread I said let the social workers know what this is doing to you and your family, they will take into account the pressure you are under, but you must stress this to them

I've had my mum sent home from hospital with no backup care in place, to an empty house and its all been left to me. You must get tough with them before they are disacharged, once they are discharged the hospital washes its hands of them and its the communities problem, they all like to pass the buck I find

kbear that's truly dreadful care by hospital ,just totally not acceptable .

Sadly ,IME and as I said earlier ,things at hospital will be cr*p over the weekend ,and this often also applies at night .

If you have the energy ( which I doubt ) I would try and find out what the staffing structure is and complain to the most senior person that you can .
One of my very bossy and totally unhelpful sil's did this during one of my mothers incarcinations and it resulted in a tour of the ward by - forget job title - someone very senior and conversations with relatives and patients .

Of course when I say complain I mean express understanding of the demands on them but ....

And failing that keep a diary and complain afterwards . I was once a hesitant complainer but I have found that it really makes a difference and improves care ,it has never resulted in a deteriotation of situation .

I am so sorry you are going through this ,god knows what today will bring .

Kbear just come acrosd your thread, and although I have bo experience of this I wanted to offer my sympathies for what you are going through. You are an incredibly strong person to be dealing with all of this.

My Aunt has been in a similar situation with her parents for a few years and it is very hard on her. She has had to fight for help for them. Hopefully things will improve now they are in hospital.

Stay strong Kbear, you're doing all the right things. I can identify with you because we are going through nightmares with my mum at the moment, who has dementia. She has three daughters, and we all knock ourselves out trying to help her, and two sons who do bugger all, apart from wringing their hands now and again and going "oh isn't it awful?", but don't lift a finger. Ma insults and demoralises the three of us, and is paranoid that we are only trying to get Power of Attorney so we can nick all her money etc.
I sometimes think it would be easier if she'd always been lovely and the illness made her like this, but she hasn't; she's always been bad tempered, verbally (and physically when we were kids) abusive and generally nasty. At the moment we are working on getting her into sheltered housing and hopefully a home care package in place.
Don't worry unduly about the home care report. I've been a social worker and a recruitment manager for home care at various times, and it's not fair to paint all the home care agencies with the same brush. Most home carers do a brilliant job and should be paid much more than they are now. But it sounds like your FIL and MIL are now way beyond the point where they can live safely at home, even with a massive care package in place.

I'll be following this thread and thinking of you. Good luck.

So sorry, they might have to move your mil to a facility more suitable to this type of behaviour. Bear in min that they are a hospital, not a secure facility for a certain type of mental health. Dementia comes under mental health, and when my mum got really bad, I had to take her for sectioning at the local psychiatric hospital. There they have restraints and facilities for calming such patients. As she is in a normal hospital they are not even observing her mental state, and not started considering medication for that. Only her bladder, but whereas, if she was in an Geriatric mental health dept, they could treat her bladder infection too.

I think you need to go into the hospital to discuss these options. It is not in his or her interest right now that they are to be kept together. Not until they both improve.

They just called me - she is medically fit, they are discharging her. She has seen social worker and refuses all help.

I said last night she was fighting the nurses and kicking off alarming and now suddenly she is free to leave?

I am panicking and now on hold to try to talk to social workers.

General wards have absolutely no idea how to deal with people with dementia, or any other old people who don't just sit still and do what they are told. She sounds as if she needs to be on the psych ward for a while; have they had the mental health team to come and assess her?

Sorry love, you might need to get her sectioned if she is to get the proper assessment for her mental health.

Of course they are discharging her, she is not in the right place. They cannot have that.

When my mum were banging on doors in the night tried to get into other patients, and threatened to punch a nurse, she was restrained. She was also medicated at night for the safety of all concerned.

There is nothing pleasant about dementia. No dignity in it.

Social worker said she refuses care package - I said SHE IS OUT OF HER MIND, SHE THINKS SHE AT HOME, SHE THINKS YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL HER HUSBAND, SHE THREATENED TO SLIT YOUR THROAT, (sorry caps alert), she needs emergency mental health assessment and locking up if necessary. I said Please please don't send her home, she is a danger to herself, I can't look after her, she is having a mental breakdown.

BIL just arrived at hosp now. I said refuse to take her home, insist on referral to psychiatric care.

They'll probably tell me they can't section her because it's the weekend.

Is your dh at home today? Could he take some of the stress off you and do some phoning? Or go down there

what an awful situation

She hasn't got the capacity at the moment to be making any kind of decisions, so stick to your guns and keep on insisting that she gets a MH assessment. I can't understand why they haven't done this before.

I'm trying to take the stress off HIM!! He's out with DD doing secret Mother's Day stuff LOL - he needs some head space too. This is his parents. He is devastated.

We support each other, it's fine in that respect.

My mum is her way round and I have doughnuts. It's not all bad LOL

Thanks for sticking with me.

There is no care in hospitals over the weekends.

Your BIL must stick to his guns. There will be duty social services available and they should be able to help with an emergency placement.

It is disgraceful the way elderly people are chucked out over the weekend.

Same thing happened to my dad. My sister arrived home late at night and there was a message on her answerphone to say he had been discharged earlier in the day, no discussion, no support in place.

My God they're not letting her out surely? Sorry just came across your thread, I didn't even know there was a section for elderly parents? This is shocking Kbear You must be at your wits end?

Hi Kbear - couldn't read and run, I don't have any real experience with anything like this but I just wanted to say we're all here!!

I hope you manage to get her a MH assessment.

Just keep dinning it into them that she doesn't have capacity, and that she's putting herself in danger by insisting on going home when she clearly isn't mentally well.

They may try avoid it because it is the weekend, but dont listen to them. Insist they have seen what she is like, and clearly she is not fit to go home. They have to send her to the psych ward.

Kbear- I missed this earlier in the week.

Sounds like you have had a really hard few months- We have had similar with DH's grandparents although the brunt of the looking after falls on DH's mum.

There is no way that your MIL is mentally sound- is there any way the doctors can apply to have her sectioned, to keep her from being discharged? There is no way she sounds fit enough to look after herself at all. Can anyone record a visit with her?

It is not your job to look after them, have you looked in to sheltered living, sounds like that need to not live in their own home any longer

Sorry, have just read more, clearly you do need to take all the outside help and as a family a united front on keeping your MIL in a safe place

Aw kbear
You get this weekends medal for best wife and daughter in law

Thank god for mums & doughnuts

Really hope they listen & don't discharge mil

Kbear, I have no personal experience of what you're going through but God, I respect you for not saying sod it and walking away. You are a wonderful woman.

OK update!

Spoke to the social worker, spelt in out in CAPITAL LETTERS that I refuse to let them discharge her. She was fantastic. She said she has dealt with it all and she will be kept there until Monday when a psychiatrist will see her.

So, breathe... and relax (a bit) until Monday. She said nothing will happen without discussion with the family.