I despair, I wish I could just not care, but dear god give me strength

[Kbear]

I can't even begin to explain but I am going to blow a gasket. I care for my elderly in laws. It's a minefield, and a nightmare, and stressful and how does life come to this.

I just got off the phone to MIL, she is rambling, she doesn't listen, I try to help, she talks over me, she's had a lovely afternoon while I was panicking at work because I phoned and she was calling out for FIL and saying oh god oh god, what shall I do? then the phone went dead. So I rang BIL, my DH was at work, I was at work, all miles away. SIL drove over there and there they were all happy as larry drinking tea and the phone's on the side off the hook. Tonight she doesn't even remember SIL going over there.

She forgot to give FIL his meds for four months. I just found out last week. Arranged all their meds again, she can't remember to give them. They're in a box marked for the days of the week, she gives Monday morning and Thursday morning instead of Monday morning and Monday evening.

Today they thought they'd go to the pub for lunch - FIL doesn't know his own name or where he lives, he can hardly walk but off they trundle down the garden to waiting cab, he falls over, almost takes her with him.

How in hell can I look after them? I have two jobs, two kids, one DH!

There's so much more, I am too exhausted to explain, DH is on nights so I;m not calling him to talk and stress him out even more.

I want to cry. No response necessary. Just getting it out there.

Quint - As if I would stand in the way of their diagnosis and care. If he takes a turn for the worse in the middle of the night and she is in another hospital 10 miles away and can't be with him I think that will be the worst possible outcome. I was simply asking them to consider that in their treatment of her.

Oh sweetheart, never realised you were going through all this. Sounds absolutely horrendous. Speak to you later

Good news - went to the hosp today and she is back in the land of the living. Walked in, she was all pleased to see us (me, DH and BIL). We had a chat and a laugh and she was like she was last week before the madness struck.

The mental health team came to see us, and occupational health. They will not be discharged until a care package is in place, we have outlined our concerns. They are moving off the acute medical ward tomorrow but being kept together.

He is better, but still confused and not really with us all the time, but did make us roar with laughter with his story about the prostitute that went in to see him and took him some clothes (does he mean me??? lol).

DH went and bought more bottled water and some lucozades and Irn Bru (FIL's favourite being Scottish and all !!) and I had a serious convo with MIL about the importance of drinking more water. The nurse that came in to take their temps and blood pressure etc was really nice and I asked that every time she came in could she please nag them both to drink a bit more.

They will be in another couple of days and I am assured they will not be discharged without the "elusive" care package in place and discussion with me and DH about what exactly their needs are.

I feel so much better. I feel like they listened to us.

I pray the upward spiral continues and they can come home together soon.

Kbear - hang on in there..... We had similar situation with PIL's in Norwich and us 3 hours away, with tiny DS. My DH an only child, so it all fell to us to sort out.

My Mum came up with some sage advice when I was wringing my hands in utter despair which was... Just wait for something to happen. It WILL happen, and THEN the wheels will start to turn in your favour - ie someone WILL actually take notice of your/their predicament and something WILL happen.

Sounds like Peter the A&E doctor could be your link.

You get through all the childbirth and early years, read the books, feel the worry - and then its time to deal with your parents or PIL's... and where's the self help book when you need it, eh?

Good Luck. Be Brave - and cry to whoever you think may help your cause.

Very glad to hear that things are looking a bit more hopeful. That's good news.

Oh love .

My parents are going through very similar with my grandad (86). He has been in hospital for 5 weeks now, they have fixed what was wrong initially but he really isn't on this earth no more. He has gone down hill so rapidly. We went to see him on Sat and whilst he knew who were and he did have a brief discussion with DH about the rugby which was on the tv in the next bay, he thought he was back in North Africa in the war, he then thought we were all on a "vessel" at sea. I just had to agree with what he was saying . He has just shrunk so much and he is now this little old man who is not able to stand without lots of help. SS are now involved and my family had a meeting with them last week. He will not be going back to his own house .

Keep strong and keep fighting Kbear xx

Honestly I would never have realised how a UTI could affect an elderly woman until I saw my Mum. She really was like a different person. My friend works for SS and she said they get calls saying that their Granny has got dementia overnight. They then tell the person it is probably a UTI.

That's good new Kbear. I can almost hear a sigh of relief I hope this care package is all that they and you need?

That's great news KBear.... glad to hear that they can be in the same ward. It really does help patients and their families (sometimes the hospital gets asked to separate them in case one partner is really in a bad way and it upsets the spouse, but clearly, not in your PILs' case). Yes, we see time and time again that infections can cause an elderly person to become so odd that they are virtually a different person. Worth bearing in mind when an elderly relative suddenly turns bonkers. If their regular GP won't do a home visit or give an urgent appointment, then go straight to A&E. I hope things work out well, Kbear! V pleased for you and your DH.

Positive news, that's great. Sounds hopeful it was just the UTI that was causing your MIL's confusion. My mum didn't even have a raised temperature, but was still really badly affected. She's much better now, at home. Her care package seems to be working so far, so hopefully your PIL will get something that's successful.

SS came and fitted a keypad safe for the house keys around the back of the house, so the various carers could let themselves in. It's supposed to be sledgehammer proof. They leave notes on every visit and encourage mum to take her medication, etc. We have changed her medicine to daily blister packs with all daily medication in one blister to try to help mum and the carers keep track.

We are thinking of getting her a large digital clock that displays the day of the week and the date to help her keep track of time.

Good luck with everything.

so glad you seem to be getting listened to at last Kbear

I really don't want to put a dampener on things, but I just wanted to say, can you ask them what happens if the care package isn't enough?

I think they should give you some info about whats available out there in case it isn't, it just sounds to me like they need a bit more help than a care package, or at least your FIL does.

Have you looked into Very Sheltered Housing? Ask your council for a list of these in your area. Its basically sheltered housing with 24 hr warden and sometimes meals included.

I just think going home with a care package might not be enough in the long term, sorry to sound negative, but this is your chance to get something long term sorted/or at least started and as you know too well its really hard to get anything into place when its needed

hope you don;t mind me giving you this point of view, I know you just want them back home and together as this is all they want, but something about this situation makes me think going home might not be the best thing long term (sorry)

Have seen this thread over the last few days and only just had chance to read through. What an awful time you have been having. You've done brilliant! So much sounded familiar. If it helps, you are not alone and this situation is sadly not unique. Hope the next few days improve. Keep posting!

ssd - thanks for the info.

Hosp doc just rang me, they are looking at sending them both home tomorrow with a care package in place and someone is going to phone me to discuss their precise needs.

They have a ground floor flat and an adapted shower room already in so that is a big plus.

DH will continue to take MIL shopping every week and sit with FIL if she wants to go to the village. She, I hope, realises that taking him anyway is a definite no from now on and he will end up injured and in a care home if she tried to get him out again without one of the sons to help.

I feel relieved but I know there is a long road ahead.

I am happy to care for them as much as I can, and I am not afraid to ask for more help if the care package isn't enough for their needs.

Can only see how it goes.

Thanks again to all of you for your kinds words and support when I honestly thought I was going mad. Gawd bless ya!

Glad you feel it is going in the right direction x

Glad to hear things are on the up. One thing - push for as much care as possible right now. Think about you being on top of it, not part of it iyswim ? So if they need twice daily visits, thats not you plus one from the package, its two from the package, and you pop to the shops or whatever.

Because, sadly, their care needs will increase, and right now you are in the best position to push for things

That's good news. Keep us posted.

Great news, Kbear! Great to see it all working out, and that the support has been, well, supportive!

Great news.
Just a reminder to ask that extra care built in for respite for you and the family if you are ill or take a well-deserved break.

So glad for you xx

Hi - have read the thread and really feel for you. My mum had a couple of UTI's and it really did make her confused. It is vitally important that your MIL is drinking plenty.

In terms of care provision I agree entirely with CMOTand earthymama. Although you're willing and able just now to help care for your in-laws you do have to think about yourself/dh/dc's - and what happens when you want to go away or are ill (hopefully not).

Others have mentioned Power of Attorney - if you can then try to get this sorted out asap - it can ONLY be granted by an individual who is in possession of their faculties - ie once dementia sets in it's too late. Might be worth approaching this with MIL in terms of making sure FIL is taken care of if anything were to happen to her.

Hope all continues to improve - good luck.

Glad it is some way to getting sorted out KB.

So... they should be coming home tomorrow. Social worker has assessed their needs, phoned me to discuss etc, occupational therapists getting few bits of equipment for them (zimmer frame, bed guard), care package put in place and starting Friday - carers coming morning and evening for FIL. MIL not entitled to any care apparently BUT if she is helped with his care it should ease the burden on her to get him up, washed, dressed, fed in the morning and she can concentrate on remembering to drink her tea.

Social worker told me to get online and apply for attendance allowance for him - it's free for 6 weeks then they will have to pay.

I am still stressed, I pray that this goes well and he doesn't end up in a nursing home. DH had a migraine today and lost his vision (he does get them from time to time).

Thank you for staying with me through this drama! Medals and vino all round girls!!

Good luck with the transition to home care. Still think you are amazing

Definitely apply for attendance allowance - it's backdated to day you apply ,so don't delay .

That's great. Def get the attendance allowance sorted. Would they consider meals on wheels? My g'dad has them and Wiltshire foods. The advantage is that it's another person going in to check all is ok. Ours has been a godsend, as she is often more astute than the carers at picking up when g'dad is not so good.
I'd also advise making sure your MIL/FIL know that it's not you making decisions about what care is needed, it's social services. G'dad often moans about the carers and if he's not well he blames my mum for 'all these people coming in and out' v frustrating as we know they are only there to help ( and to give us peace of mind!). My mum can then say "it's been arranged by ss, not me".
Important to look after yourself (and your family too). I know how these things can absorb you.