I despair, I wish I could just not care, but dear god give me strength

[Kbear]

I can't even begin to explain but I am going to blow a gasket. I care for my elderly in laws. It's a minefield, and a nightmare, and stressful and how does life come to this.

I just got off the phone to MIL, she is rambling, she doesn't listen, I try to help, she talks over me, she's had a lovely afternoon while I was panicking at work because I phoned and she was calling out for FIL and saying oh god oh god, what shall I do? then the phone went dead. So I rang BIL, my DH was at work, I was at work, all miles away. SIL drove over there and there they were all happy as larry drinking tea and the phone's on the side off the hook. Tonight she doesn't even remember SIL going over there.

She forgot to give FIL his meds for four months. I just found out last week. Arranged all their meds again, she can't remember to give them. They're in a box marked for the days of the week, she gives Monday morning and Thursday morning instead of Monday morning and Monday evening.

Today they thought they'd go to the pub for lunch - FIL doesn't know his own name or where he lives, he can hardly walk but off they trundle down the garden to waiting cab, he falls over, almost takes her with him.

How in hell can I look after them? I have two jobs, two kids, one DH!

There's so much more, I am too exhausted to explain, DH is on nights so I;m not calling him to talk and stress him out even more.

I want to cry. No response necessary. Just getting it out there.

That's good they are listening.

Kbear, just come across your thread. Really sorry to hear about your in-laws. Hopefully my story will give you some information.

My mum, 81, was blue lighted to hospital a few weeks ago. She collapsed and we suspected a stroke. She had had a virus and was severely dehydrated and constipated and had a urine infection to boot. She hadn't had a stroke, but the scans showed progressive vascular dementia, signs of lots of small bleeds on her brain from the last year or so. Her short term memory is shot. There is no cure or hope of improvement, it's different to Altzeimers. (sp?)

They put her on a course of antibiotics, just for 3 days. The urine infection made her really weird. She's a frail, gentle old lady, but she became aggressive, paranoid and very confused. Nobody was sure if it was due to her collapse, (but no sign on scan of a recent bleed,) or the urine infection. She was refusing the antibiotics, said they were poisoning her. She got a bit better after the 3 days of antibiotics and talk was of discharging her but she took a turn for the worse. Threatened staff and other patients.

After another week of antibiotics, she finally seemed a bit less confused and she was discharged with a care package of 3 visits a day, one in the morning 45mins to get her up and washed, take her meds and breakfasted. One at lunchtime 1/2 hour and one 1/2 hour at 6.30pm to get her to have some dinner.

At home, in familiar surroundings, and after the last lot of anti bs she finally seems much more her old self, if weak. Social services have been really nice, if a bit inefficient at first. The team of 6 ladies who come to care for my mum are all really nice, but not very pushy with her. If she 'declines' to have her food, they don't seem to try to persuade her in the way we would.

My DSis is the one who gets most of the stress, she lives 3 miles from my mum, I'm 50 miles away and recently a single mum. Mum will have to pay for this care package as she has some savings, but my DSis works, has her own family and can't be there full time. My mum is so much happier at home, even though she thinks these ladies should stop coming!

I really hope your FIL gets some dignity back and your MIL is simply confused due to an infection, like my mum. Make sure she takes her antiBs and get SS involved in getting a care package sorted. My mum's is a 6 week trial initially and will be reviewed at that point, (or earlier if it wasn't working.)

(((hugs))) Enjoy mothers' day.

Glad to hear the social worker has made them see sense Kbear. At least now you have a bit of breathing space over the rest of the weekend.

Thank God for the brilliant social worker .
( but WTF are the hospital up to ,apart from the obvious of lessening their weekend load ? )
Keep up with the doughnuts ,lots of sugar medical neccessity for stress .

Hi all, no more developments - DH and his bruv going up there tomorrow. I'm going to find out what time the assessment will be on Monday and go with DH to it.

We just went out for early dinner with the kids - did us good but I am so tired, I am going to get jarmied up and hit the sack early. DH and DD just gone round to check all is ok with the flat and put a note in neighbours door with our number just in case she needs it.

You have all been wonderful.

The rollercoaster will continue tomorrow no doubt but thanks for your support so far.

I hope that the assessment sorts out what is needed for your MIL. My Dad died recently, having had steadily progressing dementia for a number of years. There was no doubt at all that he was at his very worst in hospital - the last visit before he died we discovered afterwards that he had bitten one of the nurses. To their eternal credit, the care he recieved was exemplary.

No advice - just sympathy. It is a horrible situation to be in, and I deeply admire you for the support you are giving your in-laws.

Glad you've had the weekend without as much stress. I hope this all works out well for you, your family and MIL?

DH saw his mum and dad today - he said it was shocking. She has deteriorated and seems to be in a worse mental state than him. She doesn't know where she is. How has this happened in less than a week?

Tomorrow hopefully the psychiatric assessment - me and DH are both off work so will be going up there with one of the BILs.

I am also going to clean their flat. Needs a good scrub. She has been too stressed to do much lately and I want her to come back to it all shiny and she won't let me do it if she's there.

I hope they both come back to it.

Just seen this thread, and want to say I feel so much empathy with you, all of you who are dealing with this, esp kbear.
I looked after my mother for many years before she passed and it made me crazy.
I was so tired and stressed and overwhelmed.
She was a love, funny and so, so kind but bloody awkward in her last years. She was so funny and heartbreaking when she got a urinary infection, she would say the wickedest things, so out of character.
But I cried so often trying to get her to eat or do as the doctors suggested.
She had COPD and used inhalers. Well I say used loosely, just put it in her mouth and hoped for the best.
Sorry I'm rambling, it's Mother's Day and I miss her though I wouldn't wish that she had lived longer.
I am an only child and had to deal with all the professionals. Be very nice but very firm and show the stress and strain you are under. It is so hard, and to be honest, harder with a MIL, you are amazing and very big hearted
Good luck tomorrow will think of you xx

Hi KBear, sorry I missed your posts on Saturday as I was busy. Just to say I've worked in hospitals (maybe you could tell!) - even on weekends! Hindsight is a wonderful thing of course, but I should probably have posted when you mentioned the bladder infection and dehydration that each of those two things can send a rational, completely sane, balanced and wise elderly person completely bonkers. Totally loopy. And with both combined, well ,that's even worse. It sounds like what happened on Saturday (and just putting two and two together) lunchtime was that they were short of beds and wanted to discharge whichever elderly person had the most simple looking pathology and could walk and feed themselves. Although if I'd been on duty on that ward, I'd probably say that a patient who had been confused and refusing medication the night before was probably unlikely to be significantly cured the next morning, such that I could send her home. That didn't seem logical for them to want to discharge her but then it wouldn't surprise me - worse things have happened, so to speak......anyway, I'm glad you stuck to your guns and refused to let them discharge her.

I think it does sound as though she is septic still, given her mental state today. I'd also be curious to know how much fluids she has actually managed to drink in hospital? It can be notoriously difficult to get an accurate picture of this in elderly patients' wards - they are supposed to measure how much the jug gets emptied, but cups of water often get spilled, tossed in the sink, placed on the wrong tray by patients or staff, etc. Only reliable method is for someone to sit with her and write it all down. I suspect she is still dehydrated if she had refused medication the day before. Repeat blood tests on Monday or Tuesday might give an indication of whether the dehydration is improving.

Hope you and DH can both get as good a rest as possible. It's quite a strenuous week ahead with all the meetings, questions and assessments. But no, they mustn't discharge either of your parents in law until they are truly medically fit and both have been assessed by an old age psychiatry/psychogeriartric/elderly mental health professional first.

Bless you all for your posts - when I log on here I feel the madness is calmed for a short period of time and I feel totally supported.

Today the docs will be round to see the in laws between 9 and 10. Me and DH both off work and going to hopefully arrange an assessment of her mental health so they can't just send her home. I also want to go there and make her drink a gallon of water and knock this bladder infection on the head. If only it were that easy.

We should also get results of FIL's scan he had on Friday - of course, no results available over the weekend so I pray he has been in pain all weekend with a broken bone....

I also have to tackle their flat.... it needs a good clean and this is my chance, while she isn't there to get it shipshape. She'll go mad but I'm hoping she won't notice, if you know what I mean. The dust is an inch thick and the bathroom and kitchen need a good scrub. Poor things, housework been low on their priorities lately.

I have a headache already. But I'm going in, people, wish me luck!!

You're going to be there ( even though they'll say you're not allowed and won't want you to be ) when the docs do their rounds ?
I found I had to be ,only way to get any sense out of the professionals .

Got your tin hat ?

Luck wished
You are a great daughter in law, they are lucky to have you
Sadly we have found with elderly relatives, they need a supporter with them 24/7 to get the care they need. With Granny we took it in turns to sit with her. Thankfully she had a large family as it was exhausting

good luck today Kbear

my heart goes out to you, as with many others on this thread, partly through sympathy and recognition

will log on later, hoping for something positive for you all

Good luck for today Kbear.

Good luck today kbear. You are a Godsend. Your family is very lucky to have you

Thinking of you today.

I just re-read my earlier post - of course I don't hope he has been in pain all weekend LOL - I mean HASN'T. HA HA

Just back from cleaning the flat - me and DH.

Various calls to and from hospital today - care navigation team helpful until the point she said they are talking about moving MIL to another hospital.... at which point I despaired. I said you can't separate them now, they've been married 64 years. I think that struck a chord because that idea has now been scrapped. How can we visit two different hospitals? Ridiculous.

Anyway, occupation health called me about half hour ago - she apparently is more lucid today, knows her name and address - yesterday she was living in Cornwall... I hope it's not false hope and not a fluke - perhaps the anti-biotics are kicking in and her fluids are up etc etc.

We are picking up a BIL from work at 2 and going up. We have been assured that they will be in for at least another couple of days. The released with a care package - MIL is insisted not necessary but I have overruled her in regard to his care and meds and they are listening to me I hope.

RAMBLE RAMBLE RAMBLE

More later, bet you can't wait. ha ha

I've spent the best part of the last fortnight with my late DF's friends and is something almost all of them have started using regularly. One could almost say it's gone viral with them, but they're not that sort of generation.

Kbear hope it will do something to retrieve your in-laws' and your peace of mind.

Kbear, glad they seem to be listening to you. Well done. And yes, you do need to be firm and over rule your MIL. Good on you.

I hope all goes well today, thinking of you.

Kbear - I just can't post all jokey and positive and also supportive the way some people can .

My posts always read not the way I mean them to .

But I wanted to say that this thread ,your posts ,are really useful ( tho of course I realise awful for you ) and an education .

What I've learnt is that you have to be incredibly forceful ,assertive ,pedantic and on the case all the time -wot hebiegebies said .
I had to move in and live in the hospital to get my mum sorted .
It wasn't easy and actually I think I sacrificed my son's AS grades as a result .

But it worked .

It so shouldn't be necessary ,but it is .

oh kbear, but you must not stand in the way of proper diagnosis, treatment and care.

My parents had also been married 50 years, but had to be separated for my mum to get the care she needs.

Not all hospitals have proper facilities for geriatric psychiatry!

Visiting them in two places wont be for ever!