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Elderly parents

I despair, I wish I could just not care, but dear god give me strength

332 replies

Kbear · 14/03/2012 21:25

I can't even begin to explain but I am going to blow a gasket. I care for my elderly in laws. It's a minefield, and a nightmare, and stressful and how does life come to this.

I just got off the phone to MIL, she is rambling, she doesn't listen, I try to help, she talks over me, she's had a lovely afternoon while I was panicking at work because I phoned and she was calling out for FIL and saying oh god oh god, what shall I do? then the phone went dead. So I rang BIL, my DH was at work, I was at work, all miles away. SIL drove over there and there they were all happy as larry drinking tea and the phone's on the side off the hook. Tonight she doesn't even remember SIL going over there.

She forgot to give FIL his meds for four months. I just found out last week. Arranged all their meds again, she can't remember to give them. They're in a box marked for the days of the week, she gives Monday morning and Thursday morning instead of Monday morning and Monday evening.

Today they thought they'd go to the pub for lunch - FIL doesn't know his own name or where he lives, he can hardly walk but off they trundle down the garden to waiting cab, he falls over, almost takes her with him.

How in hell can I look after them? I have two jobs, two kids, one DH!

There's so much more, I am too exhausted to explain, DH is on nights so I;m not calling him to talk and stress him out even more.

I want to cry. No response necessary. Just getting it out there.

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shattereddreams · 17/05/2012 23:25

Just sending warm wishes for your woes Kbear

We're still here! Offload away

suburbophobe · 17/05/2012 23:46

Kbear, saw your post when you first started it. My heart goes out to you, you sound a pillar of strength.

This is such a hard time. Wishing you all the best to help you get through it.

My mum's had dementia for about 6 years now and is in (her second) care home, so know a bit about the journey you're going through. (my dad died of cancer year and a half ago).....

It's so incredibly hard seeing your parents (IL's) grow old and get sick.....

Kbear · 18/05/2012 06:46

I don't feel like a pillar of strength to be honest, I feel like I'm just keeping going, I'm exhausted, bit grumpy, unsociable and tired. FIL rang the house phone at 5.40 this morning - when are the carers coming? DH patiently told him "not until 8am, go back to bed... or make a cuppa and put the news on". Trouble is, the virgin tv is a mystery to him, too many buttons, too many remotes etc.

Still, at least I won't be late for work!

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Lemonylemon · 18/05/2012 09:23

Kbear: This business is so, so wearing isn't it? I feel like I'm next on the list to be down the doctor's being tested for high blood pressure and/or heart problems. The stress can be almost unbearable. {hug}

There are quite a few homes in the Sidcup area, if that's any help.....

A thought about your FIL. My Mum has carers in twice a day the latter time to help her to bed. Could you rejig the time that the carer comes in in the evening to a slightly later time, and then he/she could actually put your FIL to bed? Would that help matters?

Kbear · 18/05/2012 13:49

Lemony - going to view three in Bexleyheath/Sidcup on Monday. Saw three yesterday too.

Carers left the front door open after morning visit (which didn't actually happen until 10.35!!!) and after lunch visit. I only know because DH is off today and went there at 11 am then left to get some shopping and went back at 1.34 - four minutes after the carer left.

Another phone call to the carers... they must hate me, although I am always calm and polite with my dealings with them.

Been at work all morning and had to deal with at least 6 calls about FIL - thank god for understanding boss - now quick sandwich and back to work!

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Kbear · 18/05/2012 13:50

and he has four visits a day - morning, lunch, dinner and bedtime (which is usually 7 pm - he can put himself to bed though so just goes when he's ready). This is being reassessed in two weeks and they way well drop the lunch time visit.

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twentyten · 18/05/2012 17:16

My heart goes out to you.You are amazing but no doubt don't feel it.Keep posting. Maybe no answers but lots of support.........

shattereddreams · 18/05/2012 21:32

Good luck with the homes. Sidcup is 'full of newly weds and nearly deads' so hopefully there will be a good home for him here.

I don't know much about them, there are some big bupa ones and some smaller private ones.

My DS (almost 2) wakes me most mornings at 5.40. I feel your pain...

Lemonylemon · 21/05/2012 11:42

'full of newly weds and nearly deads' Grin so true!

FayeGovan · 22/05/2012 16:59

good luck with everything kbear x

Kbear · 25/05/2012 19:42

Update for those with nowt better to read!

Remember Wed 16 May ... this happened....

"Had meeting at hospital yesterday - upshot is MIL not able to come home, unlikely to recover further, physio not having any effect, mentally very bad - she has had some good days and mostly days when she thinks her children are small and she is in some place far away and needs money for train fare home. And the ceilings have all changed... and she went home this morning to make Dad's lunch and put some washing on and wouldn't it be lovely if all the kids could visit... her kids... eldest of which is nearly 60.... "

WOULD YOU BELIEVE ME IF I SAID TODAY THE NEW HOSPITAL HAD A MEETING AND THEY THINK SHE IS OK TO GO HOME... TO MY ELDERLY FIL WHO HAS DEMENTIA... WITH A CARE PACKAGE....

SO WHO WILL SHOP, COOK AND CLEAN FOR THEM? THIS CARER? NOPE
WHO WILL GET THE PHONE CALLS ALL HOURS? THIS CARER? NOPE

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shattereddreams · 25/05/2012 21:16

Oh kbear
I'm so sorry.
Do they have a social worker?
Can't remember. I think you need them assigned one

Kbear · 25/05/2012 22:14

Yep, social worker as assessed her as being fit to go home and actually cut me off pretty sharpish today when I dared to express my concerns....There was a whole big meeting apparently. BIL went.

FIL's social worker is an angel who has been a rock throughout this whole thing, to him and to me personally. She does what she says she will do, every time. She's gone on holiday for two weeks now.

Another issue has arisen tonight. Something potentially far worse. As if it couldn't get any worse but regarding her care in hospital. Waiting for hospital manager to call me back.

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CMOTDibbler · 26/05/2012 10:26

Its unbelievable KBear. Hopefully fils social worker will be able to intervene as its the combination of their needs that makes it impossible.

Is there a carers centre near to you ? My aunt tells me the support she got from them in getting a suitable place for my cousin (who has SLD) was invaluable as they knew just the right things to say

Thinking of you

Kbear · 26/05/2012 10:27

There is an allegation of abuse by two nurses against MIL...... another patient reported it.

Was on phone to hospital until midnight. They are investigating.... all parties have been interviewed, including MIL, who doesn't remember it. Er, she has dementia and had a stroke....

I want to scream. BIL going there today.

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Kbear · 26/05/2012 10:29

That sounds like MIL abused the nurses when I read it back ! Obviously, it's the other way round... lack of sleep !

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CMOTDibbler · 26/05/2012 10:42

Oh shit. How could anyone do that to a vunerable lady ? Hope the hospital kick some serious ass

shattereddreams · 26/05/2012 15:40

Jeez is it QE?
Go straight for the jugular kbear, accept nothing other than a full written explanation from chief of trust.
Get papers involved if need be.

Thinking of you

AvengingGerbil · 26/05/2012 16:52

Kbear, I'm so sorry you're going through yet more trauma.

Kbear · 26/05/2012 20:17

not QE, QM.

I am appalled.

BIL took FIL today. She's pretty good today. FIL is having a confused day when he's been good for days. Seems it will be one or the other.

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Lemonylemon · 28/05/2012 15:26

Kbear, I know QM, that's a bad thing to happen to your poor MIL. Was the other patient a dementia sufferer as well? Or a stroke patient? The only reason I ask these questions (and I'm not doubting the story for one minute) is that the other patient may have been delusional - and I mean that in the medical sense, not as an insult. But if it was as clear as day, then that's absolutely awful.....

Can you get her moved to DV? Would that be better? For her, for you, for your FIL?

Our local council are very keen to get people out of the hospital beds etc. and back to their own homes. Having the same problems with my Mum......

Kbear · 28/05/2012 18:44

Talked to senior staff there today Lemony - what you said is exactly right. Who knows if it really happened? This could be someone's career and reputation on the line here.

MIL is being discharged soon (god help us) so no pointing moving hospitals again. The two nurses in question have been removed from the ward pending investigation.

It's so hard... and it's only going to get worse when I have two of them at home together!

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shattereddreams · 28/05/2012 18:47

Glad there is an investigation though.
My MIL was in QM recently, day surgery but they kept her.
They gve her nothing to eat and I got there at 8pm. He was visibly shaking having been nil by mouth since day before.

Youd have thought I'd asked for a miracle not just a sandwich the staff were so rude.

You have a long weekend to look forward to Kbear

shattereddreams · 28/05/2012 18:47

Sorry for dreadful typing!

Kbear · 28/05/2012 18:51

They did say today that they had lots of complaints about rude staff. I am sick of people looking at me with disinterest when I try to find out how my in laws are. Having said that, I have met the most amazing angels in both QE and QM so they're not all bad.

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