Jealous about private schools

[Comfortable8520]

First of all, I know that I am totally wrong and mainly looking for an advice about how to deal with my feelings.

I am from a culture where children are pushed to do their best, excel at everything as much as they can. This year my DD starts reception at a normal state school. DH and I considered private schools but decided to invest the money somewhere else - pensions, mortgage, savings. We would not afford a private school without a massive sacrifice. I thought I was fine with this decision.

However, I realised I keep being triggered by sm chats/groups where people praise their private schools, discuss them etc. I think I feel very jealous of them. Also, feeling that I have not done enough for my daughter and she will not have the best chances in life in comparison with these people's kids.

Please help. I don't like feeling that way. If you ever were in this situation, did you ever find peace with it?

Yes, but to be honest my mom paid for my art classes when I was a kid, supported me at the uni and until I found the first job. So I am ok with that. Even if not that, I would not abandon my mom obviously

Being in a good school is important. But that school could be a state school or a private one.

Much is made of these ‘connections’ but when it comes down to it, the only examples people tend to give are from places like Eton, where if you have ambitions of being a conservative prime minister then given past history that’s probably going to help your ambitions. Everywhere else, not so much. DH went to a private school much discussed and sought after on here and it certainly didn’t give him these mythical connections!

There are lots of pushy parents in some state schools who are, in my opinion at least, often even more ambitious than most private school parents. And will move heaven and earth for their DCs to do well. You just need to find those schools, there are plenty of them, if you know what you are looking for.

So, my kids go to state school. Some of my neighbours kids go to private school. Two of my neighbours have massively regretted the decision to choose private due to their child’s outcome at the end versus the cost of all those years. One of the kids, after £75k school fees now works in a supermarket. Another one ended up working in a well known department store as a sales assistant. Another one, due to having dyslexia failed all of his exams because the private school does not cater for anyone requiring additional needs.
I also know an NHS consultant whose children go to state school and mentioned there is a reluctance to accept privately educated kids into medical school because in his experience, they are not as hard working as state school children (his words btw).
I know some other people I grew up with who were privately educated and to be honest with you, nothing exceptional stands out as far as careers go that a state educated person could not do.

“Much is made of these ‘connections’ but when it comes down to it, the only examples people tend to give are from places like Eton, where if you have ambitions of being a conservative prime minister then given past history that’s probably going to help your ambitions. Everywhere else, not so much. DH went to a private school much discussed and sought after on here and it certainly didn’t give him these mythical connections!”

Haha, what if you want to be a Labour PM, then there are some state schools I would recommend for your connections, and I am really not kidding! They are mostly in London and pretty much everyone knows which ones they are as well.

@Araminta1003 do reveal which ones! Holland Park? Camden Girls? Fortismere? London Oratory? Grey coats?

I think the oyster analogy sums it up - private vs state - it just depends so no point getting jealous. People have different priorities in life. Private school is not a waste of money for some people and it is for others. Some people’s state school have PTA and loads of donation (we know one with over £300k pa donation), some people’s state school is falling apart. Nothing wrong with the different opinions.

Were these children in academic private schools? As, there is a big difference in dc that are in academically selective private schools compared to mixed ability....meaning they are incredibly bright and many work hard to get top marks...so I would imagine not be working at a super market after....

I think if you work hard in state and have the right support you can do just as well, if you work hard in private. But someone that does not work hard in either public or private will not go far.

The school is a fee paying grammar school with an entry exam.

I think all the private schools have an entry exam. Does not mean the intake is highly academic. At least, this is what I have observed. Some it’s just formality but anyone can get in. Or some are kind of hard to get in. But the ones that are extremely hard to get in are most likely have hard working children who care about their academics.

On this thread, as in all threads about private schools, there have been numerous posts pointing out that state schools are superior to private schools as they get better results, the children aren’t entitled little shits and anyway, ‘I went to a sink school and now earn £2 million a year whereas dh went to Eton and he is a takeaway delivery driver.

If state schools are superior why the desire to abolish private schools?

who wants to get rid of private schools?

I thought this was one of the more balanced threads.

who wants to get rid of private schools?
@spoodlesee

A very quick search reveals many posters on here would like to see the back of them:

I'd be happy to see all private schools abolished
I'm ok to want all private schools abolished
Also, all private schools abolished
I would like to see private schools abolished
But I also want private schools abolished too so all schools are state schools,
I would like to see private schools abolished

‘I went to a sink school and now earn £2 million a year whereas dh went to Eton and he is a takeaway delivery driver.“

Must be all those Saturday night boarding school takeaways…

I was happy to pay fees as were my parents and those of my children who have children, but plenty of parents don't. Just make your own choices. Here in London 20% of children at sixth form stage are in fee paying schools.

Sixth form is actually a good time to switch to state as no longer bound by catchments/sibling rules etc and can get into very good state (particularly grammar) schools simply based on GCSE grades.

@Comfortable8520

if you cant afford it now, maybe put funds into tutoring and you could always go secondary or 6th form as a few of my friends have. I understand because I have family members who feel upset that they can't cover the costs. I do think though that clever children do well anywhere so focus on your child that way.

I was state educated and did just ok despite being smart. I worked hard and got decent jobs despite a lower class degree. My children are now both privately educated. For me all I'm paying for (single parent) is smaller class sizes and truthfully my children are excelling. These schools also instill a sense of confidence that you can do well. However others here at my school are paying because their kids have additional needs and get a lot of attention here, again due to smaller class sizes. I wonder whether they would get lost at state schools.

It's an awful lot of money and I don't save anything these days, everything goes on the school. But that suits me and my kids are happy where they are.

💯

At primary school level or at least Reception to y4, the type of school really doesn't have much impact on educational outcomes. Children whose parents are engaged with education, talk with their child every day about what they have learned, have lots of books in the house and make time to read with the child every day, and are seen by the child to be reading books for pleasure themselves as a chosen activity when not doing active childcare or household tasks, and who often have educational activities and toys outside school time, will thrive no matter what school is like. Children who have none of these things will not thrive no matter how good the school is. You have nothing to be jealous of right now, your child is fine.

From Y5-y11 (or y7-y11 if it's difficult to arrange a y5 transfer into an appropriate school) the school does start to make a real difference and I believe it is worth making a few sacrifices. If you put all the money you can spare into savings over the next 4-6 years and then spent it gradually over the subsequent years until y11 to spread the cost of 5-7 years of private schooling across 14 years of income does it became affordable then?

Y12&13/6th form is a lot less crucial to be private vs state as all A level courses are academically selective to some extent.

Thank you. Sorry if that's a silly question but why do you think secondary school is more important than primary? Some people I know say the opposite - i.e. yearly years are extremely important, that's when they learn 'to learn', etc

Early years, the material is a lot easier to learn and teach yourself. Secondary it is a lot more difficult, especially if you are not from here and do not understand what is required and what they are looking for. Also, secondary peers have a big impact. In my opinion, secondary it makes more sense over primary. I admit, primary was easy so my dc did not learn good study habits. However, they managed to get into highly selective secondary schools. Dd learned better study habits quickly and ds begins this September.

@Comfortable8520 because reasonably intelligent and capable parents can easily make up any deficiencies in a Primary curriculum, and parents, family and a lager circle of wider family and family friends who are on average well educated and cultured will have far more influence on a young child than school peers.

However in the secondary school years the double whammy of school peers becoming far more influential than family, and the breadth and depth of the subjects being learned starts getting way beyond what a pair of even quite well educated parents can remember from their own school days meaning that it's a lot more difficult to tackle teaching deficiencies at home, means that the school HAS to get it right in y7-y11. There are some state secondary schools that do get it right, but if you don't have access to such a school and your budget is limited then these are the years to invest in. Y5&6 are of lesser importance. They are just boring for an above-average ability child in a state school. y12&13 are less crucial because by then an able child can make up any deficiencies themself with additional self-led learning.