Jealous about private schools

[Comfortable8520]

First of all, I know that I am totally wrong and mainly looking for an advice about how to deal with my feelings.

I am from a culture where children are pushed to do their best, excel at everything as much as they can. This year my DD starts reception at a normal state school. DH and I considered private schools but decided to invest the money somewhere else - pensions, mortgage, savings. We would not afford a private school without a massive sacrifice. I thought I was fine with this decision.

However, I realised I keep being triggered by sm chats/groups where people praise their private schools, discuss them etc. I think I feel very jealous of them. Also, feeling that I have not done enough for my daughter and she will not have the best chances in life in comparison with these people's kids.

Please help. I don't like feeling that way. If you ever were in this situation, did you ever find peace with it?

Op they are needing to justify their massive outlay. Ours are coming out the other side of state school they are lovely engaging chatty with adult type teens with great friends and social lives. Dd1 has excellent a levels and a place at a RG university. I genuinely don’t understand what the £250k we didn’t spend would have added. The “connections thing” no longer works Dh law firm is super strict on hiring it’s all about diversity now.

A bit tongue in cheek. But the OP child is a girl. So maybe the connection is being able to belong to rich mummy groups like the Princess of Wales and her sister.

The differences I have really noticed (other than dc1 not vomming with anxiety before school every morning 😜) are all the extra curricular - sports, music, drama etc. The ability to keep them doing these extra curricular longer into teen years. Smaller class sizes has also been a plus for mine, dc1 anxious, dc2 dyslexic! Behavioural expectations also becoming more important at secondary.

Wow. So she gets to spend all her money and you have to give her yours?

You may have that impression having been to a private boarding school. From my experience those who've done well had academic ability, the right attitude, and good, supportive parents. Connections didn't come into it.

They have to want to do it though. DC1 is in a state school and they have free extra cirricular after school. They are free because it's funded by PTA donations (no PTA fund raising activities, other than paying by direct debit every month). There are many sports teams, two school drama productions a year, four music ensembles with concerts each term (choir, wind, brass and string). There are other non sports, drama, dance or music groups too. DC1 doesn't want to join any. She's promised she'll join the string group next year but we'll see.

The difference between the state and my old private school was the sports being more broad in private. When I was at school, we had golf, clay shooting, archery, equestrian and sailing.

Just out of curiosity, how many of these parents have tried the snails? How many actually have experience of a state school?

If it helps, my parents sent me to private schools from 10. I was horribly bullied. My DC are so happy in their state schools, we do lots of extra curricular activities and for the younger one we pay for a private tutor for an hour a week. I've been impressed with the oldest state secondary. Don't be jealous, I think some of our friends and family paying for private schools have fallen for a scam.

I suspect your friend has this experience because she mainly mixes with people from private school backgrounds. My DH and myself had state educations and he is a professor (I love my job too, but won't mention it as
could be outing). DD goes to a comp in a deprived area of Liverpool and has just got an Oxford offer, as has her cousin from a comp in Birmingham. I'm sure there are benefits to school connections in 'the City' etc. but I think most jobs will appoint based on 'merit'/past achievements. (N.B. I am aware that it's still not a level playing field and middle class kids such as ours will have loads of advantages in terms of travel, conversation in home, extra-curriculars etc.)

I wasn't educated privately (although admittedly a good grammar). I achieved good grades, a Russell Group university education and have a good career that I enjoy. Most of my friendship circle had state school education, everyone earns enough to enjoy a comfortable life and crucially have a good work/life balance. I know a few friends who were privately educated, some are doing no 'better' than any of the rest of us. A couple have more conventional 'high flyer' careers e.g. lawyers. I don't think they are any happier than us though. They may have more material wealth but truly all that matters is that your kids end up with a life that makes them happy. They'll never have that if they feel they're failing to live up to your expectations though, so kindly take the pressure off yourself - and them. Use the extra money to support them in other ways as they grow older. House deposits, university fees, etc. Education, attainment and quality of life level out for many people in the end.

I think the oysters analogy is a great one:
Some people have never tried oysters and have no idea what they are missing out on.
Some people have tried oysters and love them.
Some people have tried oysters and think they are fine, but would secretly prefer fish fingers. Not that they would ever admit that.
Some people have tried oysters and think they are slimy and disgusting.

I don't care whether someone else sends their child to private school or state school, but there seems to be some massive snobbery amongst your social circles, no wonder you are feeling bad about it.

You definitely need a different tribe op. It’s not nice feeling the “out of step” one no matter what the thing is that sets you apart.

It becomes less of a deal though when they hit teen years - private school does not
insulate you from the teen trials and tribulations!

But teen parents are generally nicer as we all know we are a phone call away from disaster!

Thank you. Could you please tell a bit more about the network - did it help you in any way? How did it make the difference?

Thank you for your reply. It's very useful to know all of that.

I know what you mean, I also don't like that some people advance due to the connections... However, life is not fair and of course I don't mind her having them.

I do think that being in a good school in a good area is crucial to success because that's what most people I know tell me. However, after reading different replies here I question this a bit. I still think that a good school will be very important, but maybe less important then I thought and it would be just one of the factors.

Lol. Certainly not

My daughter went to average state schools and got a 1st at a top uni. Her cousin also went to state school and is studying at Oxford.
Both are also rounded and confident young people who can get on with anyone, rich or poor.
Private schools are a waste of money IMO.

Your friends sound ridiculous OP, I'm slightly embarrassed about going private as I would hate anyone to feel that the choice they've made for their child isn't good enough. Its a choice purely for my child.

I would never go on about it as that is tone deaf when it is out of reach of most. It's like Bezos telling me I simply must visit space, not even a consideration for me. Very classless.

It isnt cool making friends based on backgrounds, connection, wealth in general its purely about whom your child get along with best, often from the sport you play or class they attend or sharing a particular interest. So that myth indeed no longer is there. Instead, the kids are very aware that they are privileged and need to prepare for their life better.

We fund school fees from our salary so loads of sacrifices such as big renovations. For us we went with private choice because few top private schools are closest to our home, so very easy to get to, local to us, no need to move. We value rounded education more than just academic and would trade between the 2. We understand that paying the fee alone doesnt mean that is it, it potentially means to even pay more on extra activities to match and to invest more time to match up with their peers. But that is our choice.

I disagree about the ‘network’… We have a few A lister celebs and at least two billionaires at school. They may bestow a donation to the bursary fund but unless your DC has loads in common with them, don’t expect to be more than on nodding terms at a birthday party with them. Being at the same school is not enough to wriggle into their world in a meaningful way. The best potential parent ‘contact’ my DC has is a very senior powerful media exec but that’s from their pal at their old state school! Yes we know lawyers etc but you will too if you’re at a state school. And many of these conventional professional jobs will be in swift decline by the time your DC heads into the world of work.

I’ve also found that - certainly in my part of London - the white rich kids at school are left to freely choose their interests and the parents have less of a grip on their grades. The DC from immigrant and non-white backgrounds often come from very pressured households where grades are everything. Often their parents are very keen for the DC to follow them into medicine. But one look at the boards here will tell you it’s can now be a punishing career. I know doctors who’ve had to pull their DC out of private school as they can’t afford the fees - certainly not if they’re mainly NHS…

The one thing private school MIGHT buy you is a greater proportion of DC who are in a narrower academic bandwidth eg above average to very high. It MAY shield your DC from others who have unmet SEN driven behavioural needs as sadly those DC will be removed if they managed to get a place. It will NOT shield them from entitled sh*ts who could foist anxiety and drugs and mental health into problems onto your DC…

Nice analogy some people also eat oysters get food poisoning and die, I've heard stories of some horrific sexual abuse at some private boarding schools. Eating disorders also seem to be more common.

93% of the population do not go to private schools and clearly most of those people are doing fine. I personally could not think of a bigger waste of money, if you have the money to blow on private school it would probably be better to put in a savings account for the child to buy a house when they're older surely that is a much better use of the money. If you feel you're missing out on the pony riding lessons you can just pay for pony lessons outside of school.

People are free to spend their money on what they want but I personally could think of hundreds of better uses for that money and I certainly do not feel jealous of anyone sending their kids to private school.

The more confident teens seem to mix up socially dds friends are from a mixture of both local schools state and different private ones so wouldn’t put too much weight on the social / connections side. Dd has been taken on some awesome holidays.