Page 3 | Jealous about private schools

Comfortable8520 · 2025-02-28T07:24:53+00:00

First of all, I know that I am totally wrong and mainly looking for an advice about how to deal with my feelings. I am from a culture where children are pushed to do their best, excel at everything as much as they can. This year my DD starts reception at a normal state school. DH and I considered private schools but decided to invest the money somewhere else - pensions, mortgage, savings. We would not afford a private school without a massive sacrifice. I thought I was fine with this decision. However, I realised I keep being triggered by sm chats/groups where people praise their private schools, discuss them etc. I think I feel very jealous of them. Also, feeling that I have not done enough for my daughter and she will not have the best chances in life in comparison with these people's kids. Please help. I don't like feeling that way. If you ever were in this situation, did you ever find peace with it?

Original poster

Comfortable8520 · 28/02/2025 11:15

Heatherbell1978 · 28/02/2025 07:40

Are these real life conversations you're having or just looking at virtual groups on the subject? If it's the latter then step away from your phone. You've made your choice. We moved DS to a private school last year for various reasons which mean we can't have the big house, fancy holidays etc. So I don't search for houses online or engage in discussions about huge houses. Or follow Disneyland pages on FB.

It's both. Re social media groups - I can't remove myself from there as there is a lot of other useful information, meet-ups, etc.

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Heatherbell1978 · 28/02/2025 11:16

I did very well at a crap secondary school, so did my brothers. One of them is a top surgeon. However I've chosen to move DS to a private school and DD will go when she's secondary age. Or not. We did it because DS was not progressing in a very disruptive class and spent his first 2 years being educated through Covid. There's definitely a correlation for his age group. DD is at the same school in a lovely class.
We did what we felt we had to do. Of course we're lucky we can afford it but not without lots of sacrifices because it wasn't in our plan. He's doing great and despite what MN often tell you, for us there is a huge difference in the school. Chalk and cheese. And we did the right thing.
Where I live (not London), private can be affordable for 2 middle income earners. And many send their kids for secondary.

Original poster

Comfortable8520 · 28/02/2025 11:18

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 28/02/2025 07:44

Very honestly….

if you are paying £200k you are going to be telling yourself it’s the best and be very much a lone voice/ minority saying it’s crap and not worth it.

For primary especially…I personally think unless your child is NT or has issues a good state is fine / private is not worth it
prep only makes sense if it’s a feeder and you want to buy an 11+ place and save your child the uncertainty/ stress of entrance exams and have money to burn…

There are excellent state options if you are in London or the SE and anecdotally I know several people with MONEY (with kids at Paul’s, nlcs, Habs, city) who are looking to move their children out to state for 6th form or starting their younger children in state from 11+. And all of them used state for primary except one whose parents paid….

unless you have generational wealth or local schools are crap I wouldn’t break my back paying for private.get tutoring and pay for some nice extra curriculars and live your life and retire at 60

Edited

That's interesting... Do you know why they are moving back to state sector?

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Original poster

Comfortable8520 · 28/02/2025 11:21

Donotgogentle · 28/02/2025 07:47

Is this about ego/keeping up appearances or about your DD’s education?

I’d think really carefully about that in terms of assessing your feelings. Clearly plenty of children excel at state schools.

I’d keep options open for private at secondary if she’s not thriving.

Education, but also connections, as well as things like horse riding. I hate that I can't provide this for her. I know I sound very naive but I wonder if she'd miss on some chances of getting a good job in the future because she is less connected.

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Original poster

Comfortable8520 · 28/02/2025 11:23

Kindling1970 · 28/02/2025 07:48

I work in a university wellbeing centre with lots of private school kids and there can be huge guilt if parents weren’t massively rich. Also seems to be a lot of bullying at private schools and the entitlement of some of them is shocking. Students also have no idea who they are or who they want to be beyond academic as this has been drummed in to them. This lack of understanding around values and meaning can really damage mental health. Also what does success mean to you? If it’s just well paid job does this necessarily make your daughter happy? Look at all those top bankers with no life who work in a toxic environment and have break downs.

Thank you, lots to think about...

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twistyizzy · 28/02/2025 11:23

Comfortable8520 · 28/02/2025 11:21

Education, but also connections, as well as things like horse riding. I hate that I can't provide this for her. I know I sound very naive but I wonder if she'd miss on some chances of getting a good job in the future because she is less connected.

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Most indy schools don't have horse riding 🙄 why can't you offer that yourself? Take her to a riding school and get her started

Also unless you are looking at Eton + top public schools the "connection" thing is bollocks.

Original poster

Comfortable8520 · 28/02/2025 11:25

Marmiteenthusiast · 28/02/2025 07:55

Can you move to an area with a good Grammar school? If your child is academic they will stand a good chance.

Yes, we can do that. However I know someone who chose private over a grammar school (the kid got places in both), because they think it's a better start.

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Hoppinggreen · 28/02/2025 11:26

Comfortable8520 · 28/02/2025 11:07

I know, but they also say there are useful connections you do at private schools. So it's not always about the education and I hate even thinking of it but I have a feeling that she will be missing out in comparison with some of my friends and acquaintances kids

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I went Private and so did my DC. I was lucky enough to get some cheap holidays from friends I was at school with but it certainly didn't help my career and I think it will be the same for my DC.
If you have friends and acquaintances with high flying kids just encourage those contacts and it will be as good or better than ones they could have made at school.
Some Private schools are better than some State schools for some kids, thats all

WindsurfingDreams · 28/02/2025 11:26

Comfortable8520 · 28/02/2025 11:21

Education, but also connections, as well as things like horse riding. I hate that I can't provide this for her. I know I sound very naive but I wonder if she'd miss on some chances of getting a good job in the future because she is less connected.

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You can also build connections through hobbies etc.

Why not take her to riding lessons? Most people do these outside of school

user149799568 · 28/02/2025 11:26

Comfortable8520 · 28/02/2025 11:07

I know, but they also say there are useful connections you do at private schools. So it's not always about the education and I hate even thinking of it but I have a feeling that she will be missing out in comparison with some of my friends and acquaintances kids

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To the extent that connections formed at school matter, I have found them important only at secondary. For instance, if a DC was interested in applying for a medicine course at uni, it can be helpful to show an internship at a clinic. Fellow parents can be a key source of leads for such internships. However, whether more doctors, in the case of medical aspirations, send their DC to your realistic state or private options may vary depending on the schools in question.

Hoppinggreen · 28/02/2025 11:26

Comfortable8520 · 28/02/2025 11:21

Education, but also connections, as well as things like horse riding. I hate that I can't provide this for her. I know I sound very naive but I wonder if she'd miss on some chances of getting a good job in the future because she is less connected.

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Anyone can go horse riding you know

Original poster

Comfortable8520 · 28/02/2025 11:27

apotdw · 28/02/2025 07:56

I know I need to move on. I just don't know how. A friend recently said: 'everyone who I know who achieved something was educated privately'. I was trying to keep a straight face but inside I was crying.

Oh get a grip OP come on, you know that isn't true. If you're going to be this pathetic about it you may as well liquidate and pay for it, but god help the pressure on that child to "achieve something" with your sacrifice.

I can rattle off plenty of people I know who went private and earn mediocre salaries, and vice versa. Unless you're paying for the most expensive schools with the lifestyle and connections to boot, I really don't think private school is the guarantee some people think it is, such a lot of pressure for this kid.

Thank you for saying that, I think you are probably right. It's just the circle/area where I live. People are so keen on private schools that it's overwhelming. But I know you are right.

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Original poster

Comfortable8520 · 28/02/2025 11:29

TeddybearBaby · 28/02/2025 07:59

I think you need to challenge the thought….. it sounds like you have a belief system (a deep down core belief) that is telling you private schools are better so you’re going to feel how you do.

Some exploration questions to ask yourself are what is my evidence for this thought / is there another way to look at this situation / where has this thought originated from / what other things aside from education are important to a child’s life and wellbeing.

I feel torn on the whole private school thing. They have a fantastic education but from what I’ve seen they don’t come close to the provisions state schools have for mental health for example and that really puts me off. I do truly believe that a child who wants to achieve can and will do just as well in a state school. I think private school is probably great for the reluctant learners because they won’t let them get away with it 😂.

Thank you so much, this is really helpful

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Original poster

Comfortable8520 · 28/02/2025 11:33

Andagain2 · 28/02/2025 08:23

I have twins - one is in a state school and the other in a private school (due to SEN needs). I've experienced two private schools with my daughter - I genuinely regard my son's state school a better experience then her private schools - its just the private schools suit her better due to smaller class sizers due to her sen needs.
Use the money you save for tutors and out of school clubs.

That's very interesting, thank you. Why do you like state over private?

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Original poster

Comfortable8520 · 28/02/2025 11:36

Rainingalldayonmyhead · 28/02/2025 08:48

For the millionth time. Private schools aren’t better. They just aren’t. Stop relaying a narrative because you want to believe a falsehood. Just because you directly pay for something doesn’t make it better.

I have been to both. I have experience both. If the schools around you are fine then your child can and will succeed. This isn’t dependant upon the average private school.

Seriously consider that both have positives and negatives. Both will have issues etc.

You are doing the best for your child by supporting them and the importance of academia.

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Thank you, it's good to hear from someone who experienced both sectors

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Original poster

Comfortable8520 · 28/02/2025 11:38

justdoitmum · 28/02/2025 10:42

Private school parent here - A lot of it depends on the child and the parental support and expectation you set at home (positive expectation not pressure).

My DC went through primary in a top private school and looking back I feel, whilst there were some benefits, its certainly not worth the money. A child can do just as well in a state school and you have the choice to supplement their learning by getting tutoring in subjects they are weak in.

Sports can be more intense in a private school than a state school. All kids are expected to join school fixtures and they get exposed to a variety of sport. But if parents have the time, they can give their child sports opportunities outside of school and infact develop in sports they like in a more targeted way.

Music wise, I felt most musical kids talents were down to outside private tutoring and discipline at home. School had very little role to play in it.

Also kids in private school grow up in a protective bubble. I find state school kids to be a lot more resilient and street-smart.

Like everything in life, there are always positives and negatives. I hope this gives you some perspective. You come across as a parent who cares and I am sure your DC will be absolutely fine - private school or no private school.

Thank you, that's really helpful

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twistyizzy · 28/02/2025 11:38

Comfortable8520 · 28/02/2025 11:36

Thank you, it's good to hear from someone who experienced both sectors

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Most parents have experience in both sectors because majority mix and match from Reception-Yr 13. The ones who do allthrough are in the minority.

Why haven't you answered Qs around wht you think you can't offer opportunities your child yourself eg contacts, horse riding etc?

Original poster

Comfortable8520 · 28/02/2025 11:45

twistyizzy · 28/02/2025 11:38

Most parents have experience in both sectors because majority mix and match from Reception-Yr 13. The ones who do allthrough are in the minority.

Why haven't you answered Qs around wht you think you can't offer opportunities your child yourself eg contacts, horse riding etc?

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We can find a horse riding class, but from what I heard there is a lot of different sport and after-school activities in private schools. To do it all yourself is going to be exhausting for a child, as it would be a lot of moving around. I mean, our state school is fine but extra classes are not great and they are very low in numbers - we were told she's not gonna have an actively every day as it has to be split equally between the kids.

Re connections I mean childhood friends.

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Original poster

Comfortable8520 · 28/02/2025 11:48

Hoppinggreen · 28/02/2025 11:26

I went Private and so did my DC. I was lucky enough to get some cheap holidays from friends I was at school with but it certainly didn't help my career and I think it will be the same for my DC.
If you have friends and acquaintances with high flying kids just encourage those contacts and it will be as good or better than ones they could have made at school.
Some Private schools are better than some State schools for some kids, thats all

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That's interesting. Why do you think it did not help your career? I would think it would be the opposite!

What is the point sending your daughter to private then, is it mainly the quality of education?

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twistyizzy · 28/02/2025 11:48

Comfortable8520 · 28/02/2025 11:45

We can find a horse riding class, but from what I heard there is a lot of different sport and after-school activities in private schools. To do it all yourself is going to be exhausting for a child, as it would be a lot of moving around. I mean, our state school is fine but extra classes are not great and they are very low in numbers - we were told she's not gonna have an actively every day as it has to be split equally between the kids.

Re connections I mean childhood friends.

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So you don't think kids in state schools make childhood friends? This is a very strange attitude!
Of course matching indy school extra curricular offer is exhausting if you do it yourself, that's 1 of the reasons we chose indy for secondary. Simply because we both work FT and couldn't fit it all around our jobs. So you have to make the decision if you want your child to access all that stuff however it ISN'T necessary for a child to do all of that.

Drdancer · 28/02/2025 11:51

Put the group chats on mute.

Original poster

Comfortable8520 · 28/02/2025 11:56

twistyizzy · 28/02/2025 11:48

So you don't think kids in state schools make childhood friends? This is a very strange attitude!
Of course matching indy school extra curricular offer is exhausting if you do it yourself, that's 1 of the reasons we chose indy for secondary. Simply because we both work FT and couldn't fit it all around our jobs. So you have to make the decision if you want your child to access all that stuff however it ISN'T necessary for a child to do all of that.

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So you've chosen the private school for your kids yourself but then ask me all these questions... That's bizarre. And you know the connections are usually not the same in the state and private sectors.

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spoodlesee · 28/02/2025 11:58

A friend recently said: 'everyone who I know who achieved something was educated privately'. I was trying to keep a straight face but inside I was crying.

But there's a cohort who went to private school and would never ever consider any other option for their dc. They don't know anything else b

twistyizzy · 28/02/2025 11:59

Comfortable8520 · 28/02/2025 11:56

So you've chosen the private school for your kids yourself but then ask me all these questions... That's bizarre. And you know the connections are usually not the same in the state and private sectors.

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Yes asking you Q precisely because I have experience of both sectors.
Your reasoning for being jealous of independent schools is really strange ie your thought process.

Original poster

Comfortable8520 · 28/02/2025 12:01

twistyizzy · 28/02/2025 11:59

Yes asking you Q precisely because I have experience of both sectors.
Your reasoning for being jealous of independent schools is really strange ie your thought process.

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Really? C'mon. It's exactly the same as the reasoning of the parents I know who send their kids to private.

And what's your reasoning then?

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