Jealous about private schools

[Comfortable8520]

First of all, I know that I am totally wrong and mainly looking for an advice about how to deal with my feelings.

I am from a culture where children are pushed to do their best, excel at everything as much as they can. This year my DD starts reception at a normal state school. DH and I considered private schools but decided to invest the money somewhere else - pensions, mortgage, savings. We would not afford a private school without a massive sacrifice. I thought I was fine with this decision.

However, I realised I keep being triggered by sm chats/groups where people praise their private schools, discuss them etc. I think I feel very jealous of them. Also, feeling that I have not done enough for my daughter and she will not have the best chances in life in comparison with these people's kids.

Please help. I don't like feeling that way. If you ever were in this situation, did you ever find peace with it?

Because once your child starts at a school and makes friends etc you don’t want to disrupt their education. I desperately wanted to move her this year, but she’s now in Year 10 so it’s practically impossible.

I have to laugh at your “that doesn’t sound genuine” when I am absolutely dreaming of the day I will no longer have to pay £8.3K+ every term. You really live in cookooland if you think private schools are some magical place.

The school have to seduce the parents in a way as they are a business and they want them to buy their educational product. That's not to say the parents aren't delighted about aspects of the school or education. A friend of mine told me how they were served wine at the parents evenings!

Be happy with your own life choices and strive for happiness. Unfortunately there are many unhappy priviledged children just as there are unhappy deprived children.

No, I don't think they are magical. But I do know people who sigh 'how expensive everything is' and continue buying massive cars, send kids to private schools and go to Maldives. Do you know how this sounds to people who REALLY can't afford this staff?
@XelaM

Thank you, I know that part of this is marketing. I heard about parents being harassed by lawyers for publicly criticizing their private school. I don't know if that's true though

The reality check is the fact that many middle class families can’t longer afford private.

Well many were priced out before VAT due to the huge increase in fees.

There's also the falling birth rates to consider which are impacting both sectors.

I have twinges of this at times but what helps me is that my children are going to do very well in state school. I think actually their school (bad results!) is better than some of our smaller private schools locally, which are a bit rubbish teaching-wise. These kind of schools are just full of kids whose parents don't want them round 'difficult' children (children with SEN or behavioural problems). Despite smaller classes and richer kids, their results are not amazing.

In terms of the 'good' private schools, I think my own children may have got 1 grade higher in a couple of subjects at GCSE (maaaybe). My niece went to a good school since nursery and did average, couldn't stay to the school's sixth form. What a waste of money! She's just as 'clever' as my kids but for whatever reasons it hasn't helped her. Sure, there's extras like music, sports, extra curricular but you can do those externally and pay a lot less! My BIL and SIL sacrificed to send their kids private, constantly working to get the money and have wasted precious time with their children.

I think once children are old enough to do GCSEs and A levels you can see that the ones who are going to do well will do well wherever.

What, your niece was educated privately but could not do 6th form? I would be quite upset as a parent in that case. Was it a selective school? I hope she at least enjoyed the activities!

She is at sixth form college. She did a tiny bit better than my older son, and much less will than my other children are predicted. She could not do sixth form at the school because they only want A/A* (ie. 8/9s at GCSE) students and based on GCSE grades, she would struggle to get those high grades at A levels. Not sure what it's all done to her self esteem, poor child.

I agree with your first paragraph. I believe that I wrote as much in the last paragraph of my previous post.

But that might not be true for the state schools and private schools that OP, or other parents, actually have access to. London Oratory is located in one of the most expensive residential areas of the UK, and you have to be Catholic, ruling out over 80% of London's population regardless of wealth. The other schools you mentioned are among the very few London grammars and are generally considered super-selectives, to which very few Londoners actually can gain access, far fewer than have access to local privates. More than 3000 girls sit exams for 100 places at Henrietta Barnett, for example.

And I don't discount the possibility that, in other parts of the UK, the local state schools might actually have "better" parent mixes than the local privates.

Sounds like your friend lives in a very small bubble. Something that your child will better avoid by going to state school! Consider that a plus.

So why don’t you move her if you think it’s a con?

No because employers don’t hire someone based on their senior school but rather their grades. Unis take from both (obviously) but can weigh against private schools for admissions because of the perceived advantage.

i have never in my career hired someone because of their senior school. I can name 20 people at senior management level and the majority haven’t been to private schools.

Also consider, if the private school is small and tour kid is sporty that teams may be difficult to come by: if there are onky 50 kids in year for example and half are one sex then you may onky have 25 to choose from for a rugby team for example and not every kid wants to do sports. The facilities for sports are far better at state schools around us (except for a few exception of the very prestigious schools - think Eton for example).

You need to change your friendship group, shag a weird statement 😂😅😀

And you were crying inside??? Did you go to private school? Do you consider yourself a failure?

Getting good grades from a state school is an achievement in itself and it teaches you how to live amongst ordinary folk. A female surgeon I work with went to state school and has a broad Yorkshire accent. The patients absolutely adore her and her parents must’ve saved thousands!

If I have read this right, your daughter hasn't even started reception yet. See how she gets on there before worrying.

You can always consider private later - either at 7 or 11 if you're not happy with the state options.

The various adults in my immediate family under 40 went to state schools (comprehensives, not grammar).They all went to university (some Russell Group) all did Masters and all have very good jobs. They might have got marginally better A level grades from private school but they’ve all done really well. With good parental support and the luck to find a decent school and engaged peers, they’ll be fine.

No, I don't consider myself a failure, although I think I'd benefited from a better school. My school was quite shitty. I begged my parents to change it, but they did not for a variety of reasons. I hated every day of being there, although I generally like studying.

Maybe all this is the reason it triggers me so much now, I don't know.

OP you keep mentioning connections. Total falsehood unless your kid goes to somewhere like Eton.

Most graduate schemes are based through university. A lot of top jobs - doctors, solicitors etc are courses and grades.

Nepotism is actively frowned upon in a lot of big companies and they ask you to declare if you know anyone at the company before interview.

Also a lot of top jobs as - big four consultancy, finance etc require multiple assessments and assessment days so knowing someone isn’t going to get tou through this better.

All the big companies I know have robust hiring and promotion processes.

Please stop listening to people who don’t know what they are talking about or potentially have brought incorrect cultural norms from another country to the UK.

I know loads of people with mediocre careers (or no career) who went to private school. There are no guarantees and these days they cost a bomb. Pretty crap investment imo.

I totally understand what you mean. I know a small/medium companies ask their employees for referrals. They are probably not the top jobs as you say...

Mine are both in state. Both do activities outside school. I view this as a big positive, firstly the provision is excellent outside of school and secondly they’ve developed friendships out of school and have ended up with multiple groups of friends. Look at the positives from state, a shorter school day so that they have time to develop hobbies and interests, they develop a much better understanding of how to get along with people rather than a private school bubble and you can still excel without spending a fortune!

My husband went to private school and is very impressed with DC’s state provision, she’s happy and has taken advantage of so many opportunities. She’s looking at top grades at GCSE. I’m not sure what added value she’d get from a private school apart from reducing our spending and not doing the holidays and extras, which she loves. If you’re going to spend ££££££ on private school then you’re going to justify it, and make out that is the best.

Just because you didn’t have a great experience, doesn’t mean your DC will. Schools have changed and you sound like the sort of parent that if they weren’t enjoying school, then you’d rethink and consider whether that was moving within the state sector or stretching yourself.

Another thing to consider is that if you send her to a private and then switch to state (for whatever reason), it will be difficult for her.

Agreed. Mine are in private but we make sure they do hobbies out side of school too because I think it's important to have a life "outside the bubble" and to mix with a broader range of people. It also helps if there are friendship dramas etc at school because school is never their"everything". My daughter dances 4 nights a week and her dance friends are her closest friends, they come from a mix of schools and some are home educated too

Name changed for this as I do post quite a bit under a different name

We are the opposite of you - our dd started reception this year and attends a super selective private school (one that’s frequently mentioned on mumsnet) and I came from a state school background and we are two well paid professionals who chose to prioritise our child’s education over everything else. State schools are totally fine, we almost sent our DD to our local also but she did get a spot in her current school and she is highly academic. I probably wouldn’t bother paying at primary level if she wasn’t.

I think you either need to make peace of the choice you made or you need to go and rethink your financial situation and just fork out the money. We have to make sacrifices - we see our state school friends go on overseas holidays to Japan, US, Australia who are on similar salary as us as they have the money to splurge and they have a big house - ours are trips to Europe mostly as we what to save on the plane ticket price and we live in a flat. Basically you can’t have everything so something has to give. My daughter is super happy at her private and we will continue sending her there as we think it’s worth it.

I would reevaluate at the end of reception if your child is happy or not - plenty of private schools have spaces.