Jealous about private schools

[Comfortable8520]

First of all, I know that I am totally wrong and mainly looking for an advice about how to deal with my feelings.

I am from a culture where children are pushed to do their best, excel at everything as much as they can. This year my DD starts reception at a normal state school. DH and I considered private schools but decided to invest the money somewhere else - pensions, mortgage, savings. We would not afford a private school without a massive sacrifice. I thought I was fine with this decision.

However, I realised I keep being triggered by sm chats/groups where people praise their private schools, discuss them etc. I think I feel very jealous of them. Also, feeling that I have not done enough for my daughter and she will not have the best chances in life in comparison with these people's kids.

Please help. I don't like feeling that way. If you ever were in this situation, did you ever find peace with it?

l went to a good private school and loathed it. None of the girls I knew did well there. Dd went to a good state school. Is on track for a professional career, all A’s and a choice of good uni places. It isn’t always all it’s cracked up to be. Dd has had a better education than I had. What matters at the end of school is what they’re doing then. Just help with the homework, show them the world, instil a work ethic and have a career plan before the uni course is chosen. They’ll be fine without spending the money.

What a burden to place on a child.

This seems mad to me. Cripple yourself financially and put yourself in a very vulnerable position just so your child can go to private school. What an earth for? My kids are getting a great education at our local state school. I know so many people who are doing well who went to state schools.

My son is at private primary school. He won't be staying on to secondary as they've treated him appallingly. He'll be going to state secondary.

Can I ask what exactly happened (just in case we'll have similar issues) if that's ok?

I agree. It's not that I am jealous of someone's big car or a mansion (I never in my life was).

However, kids are absolutely out dearest. To hear that some people who I know and respect almost openly say that her school will be crap (only because it's state education) is quite heartbreaking.

It's the same in my culture. I will have to provide for my mum as she's got no pension savings. It will be challenging at some point for me. This is one more reason why I am hesitant to pay for a private school and I'd rather have savings.

Unless your friends have very indept knowledge of the school it's likely they're talking crap. Honestly my state secondary school was so bad it was almost closed several times when I was there yet I did well, many of my friends did well. Some went to Oxbridge. Some of my old school friends are now doctors and lawyers. It's really down to whether the kids want to learn, whether they are encouraged by their parents, the value their family places on education and careers.
Sadly the children from my school who didn't do so well came from deprived and chaotic families. I feel that many of them never stood a chance.

We could have afforded private education but chose not to bother. I just didn't think it was worth the investment, personally.

I went to a state comp but have a lot of friends who were privately educated. Based on my observations, they are not happier, healthier or more successful than my state educated friends. They are not better educated either.

I also know a lot of people who have chosen private education for their children, too. Again, I have not been able to perceive any advantage that they have gained from this, and now that my dd is done with the school years, I have zero regrets about the decisions that we made.

Ultimately, a lot comes down to parenting and personality rather than the school. Engaged, supportive parents make a huge difference.

I visited some friends I hadn’t seen in a while. They have 2 DC at the local school (non-selective comp which used to be sought after 15 years ago when it streamed and selected but has gone down since in desirability). Well. The DC (tween and a teen) were the most articulate, intelligent, polite DC I had ever met. Engaged, witty, interested. In contrast, my DC - privately schooled since late primary - one in a ‘top’
school - were like Kevin the teenager mixed with toddlers. Mine were far more ‘street’. Theirs felt like they’d walked off the set of Sense and Sensibility. It really did crystallise for me that so much is down to the parents (both of theirs were privately educated. We most certainly were not). We have access to the best books and try and encourage reading. The difference is their children clearly do it voluntarily. In summary, spending that money is no guarantee. Exerting a positive influence and staying close to your DC is a safer strategy. I’m exposing my own failures here as a parent in the hope it gives you some comfort. Paying doesn’t always pay off.

It depends entirely on your local state schools and how your kid copes with that. Extra curricular is also going to be outside of school at state. That becomes a vicious circle at private though as they have to do extra curricular at school as you are always working to pay the fees!

Grammar schools ARE state schools!
Did your child get into oxbridge?

Yes, you just want to do your best by your kids.

People who spend all that money on private schools have to justify it to themselves, so they will say these things.

I have run grad programs for tech, marketing and consultancy roles in major blue chips. The hirjng process is robust, usually several stages. Key defining factors are those that can work well in teams, articulate their points, present well, show critical thinking and have done extra curricular stuff for themselves. Eg start a blog, volunteer, start a mini business, work experience, part time or relevant summer jobs.
Absolutely not interested in which secondary school someone went to. Bear in mind most grad programs in the UK have applicants from around the globe, noone knows or cares which secondary school you went to.
I would say that some private schools do focus on building presentation skills, public speaking etc. However, you can do these things at state school too.
I think the main thing in state schools is you will have people from all walks of life, so a lit of people might want to go into trades for example (actually paying better than most office based careers atm),and will be joining their family or friends company after they leave school. Therefore, a lot of people will not be focusing on academics as much if this is going to be their career path.
People also get help from their parents to get into first jobs, so hes parental network does help but thats not in all cases.
My partner went to a top boarding school, he earns 50% less than me and I went to local comp.

You talk a lot about connections, but these are 4yos! Maybe connections might help, but you don't need to worry now.

DH went to a prestigious private school. I went to a state grammar school. We have chosen the state route for our kids. There are clear benefits to us in terms of being able to walk to school and a slightly shorter day (DD already finds it a long day). We take them to clubs out of school and support them at home. The biggest predictor of success at primary is parents. I'm sure there are lots of great things about the local private schools, but they aren't perfect. My children are doing well and happy where they are, so I have no need to move them.

Neither DH or I went into 'top' professions but we both have decent jobs we mostly enjoy. I am the higher earner, despite being state educated. Both sets of parents were able to help with our house deposit, which means a lower mortgage for us and less financial pressure. I don't think my parents could have done that if they had paid school fees.

Take a step back and let your DC start school, then see what you make of that particular school, as it's the only state school that matters to your family. People often talk up their choices, but everyone's experience is different. I remember a friend telling me what wonderful progress her son had made since starting nursery. My daughter had made the same progress but wasn't attending nursery at the time. It was her perspective, mine was different, and that's ok.

I've noticed that some private school parents really want you to know that their children's school is better. I have some friends that send their children to private schools and they like to talk a lot about how good the schools are. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure the schools are great. However, they get quite agitated if I mention how good our state school is. It's like they just will not accept that our school could be as good as theirs. I was defending our school to one such mum, and she actually got angry and said, "You can't compare a state school to a private school. It's night and day!!"
I suppose if you're paying £20,000 plus a year for your child's school, you want to believe it is far superior to free schools.
OP, I think there's an element of this with your friends. They want to dismiss and look down on state schools to justify their expenditure.

OP you’re being a bit binary on schooling. There are brilliant state schools, mediocre ones and bad ones. And the same is true with private. My kids have been in both state and private schools and there are private schools I would pay for and ones I wouldn’t. When moving my eldest at 11 we had a rank of particular schools we wanted him in which went private, private, state, private, private, state. Taking into account everything in the round Inc cost.

I would ask yourself carefully what exactly is the real core of what is bothering you here. If it is you feel you are being looked down on by implication in WhatsApp groups you just need confidence in your own decision. If it is not doing horse riding (really?) do it out of school. Connections are not really a thing at primary school and limited at secondary unless at the likes of Eton.

Thank you for sharing your experience. It's a very honest reply.

Well, I actually have similar experience. I heard the 'night and day' phrase very often in my circles. I also heard one mum saying 'it's like trying oysters - if you have no experience of it (i.e. private schools) you would not understand it'.

This is a tricky one,

I live in an affluent area, the state schools are not good.

We chose to send my son to a private school from yr 5,

If you are objective about schooling in the area you live, given the cost of private, think of the option for tutoring and extra curricular if the state schools are generally good. That would be enough to make up the difference academically.

The real difference is in the network a private school provides.

One other thing: be careful of your expectations even if you do go private. The primary years were amazing (joined in year 3) for pastoral care, academics and overall inspiration without being pushy. DC is now in the early teens bit and has lost themselves a bit and the school has not picked up on it at all. In the juniors, I would have felt I could have more dialogue. Now I just feel like their attitude is ‘get on with it’ - just like it would be in most state schools. DC is not failing, just not flying. Because we were spoiled in the junior school, I now have similar expectations of the senior stage but that isn’t what happens. The school can pick and choose its pupils and if DC decides they want to be distinctly average, then the school is either going to slightly ignore them or eventually kick them out if they’re not meeting the grades… Anywhere you send them will have its challenges when they hit puberty. I have friends with DC with severe mental health issues in the private sector whose kids get excellent grades but I still wouldn’t swap them with those problems. Other people I know have had DC with crippling anxiety, learning difficulties, school refusal (in the state sector) but they’ve come out the other side, gone to uni and are building careers.

Lastly, don’t underestimate the financial strain of the fees especially with a government determined to tax private schools out of existence. We would honestly be looking at early retirement were it not for the fees. Now we have a house falling down around us house and minimal holidays and really cannot participate in any of the high cost events other friends and family do (concerts, regular meals out, glamping etc).

Ugh, I hate all this stuff about connections. It repulses me. I don't believe anyone is worth knowing simply because their family are rich or influential. A little child whose mum is a cleaner is just as worthy as a child whose mum is a barrister. I wouldn't want my kids to have advantages over other children because their friend's dad is a CEO or because they happen to mix in weakthy circles. This stuff just reinforces inequality.
We could actually afford private school (at a stretch) but chose not to because I want my children to know people from all backgrounds. That is part of their education, seeing how people who are poorer than them (and richer than them) live. Going to a state school shaped my own political beliefs. It broadened my understanding of our society.
OP, can I ask why you think going to a private school is so crucial to your child's success and wellbeing? Why is her success not down to her - her personality, her abilities, her intelligence, her attitude to learning, her desire to succeed? Why is it not down to you as parents - your encouragement and support and you instilling the right values in her? Why is it not down to the brilliant teaching she'll receive whatever school she goes to? I have the utmost faith that my children will do well ("despite" state education 🙄) because they're bright kids, they have the right attitude, they study hard and because we, as parents, support their learning.

I am from overseas, but I went to a selective school from primary and then a private boarding school. I do no better at work than many others who went to state school and then ex-poly universities. Life isn't all about being expensive private schools and academic results. I'm sure you know that.

Actually I believe it's 50/50 connections and innate qualities. Academic ability has very little to do with success.