Jealous about private schools

[Comfortable8520]

First of all, I know that I am totally wrong and mainly looking for an advice about how to deal with my feelings.

I am from a culture where children are pushed to do their best, excel at everything as much as they can. This year my DD starts reception at a normal state school. DH and I considered private schools but decided to invest the money somewhere else - pensions, mortgage, savings. We would not afford a private school without a massive sacrifice. I thought I was fine with this decision.

However, I realised I keep being triggered by sm chats/groups where people praise their private schools, discuss them etc. I think I feel very jealous of them. Also, feeling that I have not done enough for my daughter and she will not have the best chances in life in comparison with these people's kids.

Please help. I don't like feeling that way. If you ever were in this situation, did you ever find peace with it?

@Comfortable8520 do you live somewhere with extracurriculars close by? My dc do certain things through their school eg debating, pickleball, orchestra, guitar & then outside I chose a few different extracurriculars & mix it up each term eg summer term I'll add cricket.

Look,
my DH and I both went to top private schools both our parents parroted this “connections” nonsense. They all had very “normal” jobs and believed there was some secret club.

i’m sure in the 60s 70s 80s there was to some degree and it worked fine but neither of us got grad jobs or leg ups or anything else through “connections”.

our children probably will benefit from our connections now but that’s by virtue of our friendship group (dr lawyers banker etc) and they will do that irrespective of state v private.

both me and my DH work with peers who went to state schools / were academically unremarkable. We all get the same pay….

And you know the connections are usually not the same in the state and private sectors.

It really depends on the school tbh. Plus plenty of well connected people in good state schools.

Stop reading posts on here about private schools would be my suggestion. 93% of the population go to state schools. Obviously these vary in their quality but my kids have done brilliantly in pretty ordinary state primary and secondary schools in a non posh area!

That’s bollocks though. I move in pretty high achieving circles and the vast majority of people I know are state educated. Also, define “achievement”. There’s more to life than the big job and money

I think you’ve got it wrong on the connections thing OP.

Do you mean professional contacts your DC will use in her career? Much more likely to be made at university and in the workplace. DH’s family has always been privately educated and none of them - not one - has used school friends as work contacts. Maybe different if you board at Eton, I don’t know, but not in general.

Or do you mean the friendship group your DC will have? Kids find their like minded tribe at school whether it’s state or private.

Or do you mean connections for yourself?

Both my DCs were privately educated and although I'm glad we did (right decision for each child in the circumstances) I do often think it might not have been necessary.

If you are an involved parent you can mirror the 'extras' private schools provide yourself e.g.

• get them involved in local community groups - cubs, brownies, scouts etc
• sign them up for weekend sports clubs
• extra curricular music lessons (the same music teachers teach at private schools during the day, but charge more!)
• encourage independence through summer camps etc when older
• foster a love of learning - reading, news and current affairs, art, music, theatre, film etc. Find your child's interests and invest in things to do together.
• Spend time DISCUSSING stuff with your children - devote time (meal times?) to ask their point of view, teach them to debate and discuss.
• Take an interest in what they are learning at school and help with any problems

And teach them how to relate to other adults - make conversation, make eye contact, ask polite questions etc. Many of DCs friends outside of school were shocking at this and it continues through into adulthood as poor results in interviews etc.

But of course this is just my observation in response to your post and before I get jumped on #NotAllChildrenEducatedInStateSchools 😉

Also my husband went to private school and I went to state. Guess which one of us got the good degree and earning twice the salary of the other? (Hint: it’s not him)

Who do you think it WOULD help my career? I got jobs and promotions on hard work and merit only and am now happily SE. DH is a high achiever and went to State
I suppose if we are talking Banking and top London Public schools it might be different
I sent DD Private because our catchment State school would not have been the best option for her, The Grammar is a long way away, The Private school is 5 minutes walk away AND she was offered a 25% scholarship PLUS we could afford it. DS went because she did.
Class sizes are smaller, teaching is more individual, extra curriculars are free and there are plenty and there is very little bad behaviour or bullying.
That is why I chose Private Secondary but you can get a lot of that in some State schools as well, unfortunately we couldn't so the choice was move or go Private.
They were both at State primary though and I am very glad we made that decision

My partner went to private school and Oxbridge. I went to state and don’t have a degree. I earn nearly 3 times as much as him. Yes, this is somewhat to do with the careers we’ve chosen and his experience is very niche and not transferable. He was looking for a part time job to supplement his income and applied to several entry level roles - ghosted and rejected from all of them. By your logic he should’ve had employers fighting over him simply because of his education. Didn’t happen. He now works part time in a pub. Meanwhile I’ve worked for the UN. Experience counts for a lot more.

The pecuniary benefits of childhood connections can be overrated. Your DC's classmates are unlikely to be of much help during the early career phase; they'll all be juniors at the same time. Perhaps they could help in mid or later career but that would require that they both stay in contact for several decades and go into similar fields. I don't know how common that is these days.

As for "old school ties", it's been at least thirty years since I last heard that raised regarding secondary schools, back when a far smaller proportion of UK students carried on to uni. Even for uni, what I've seen is mixed. For instance, a Cambridge grad who works for me claims that he doesn't give any preference to job applicants coming from Cambridge... precisely because he knows that not all Cambridge grads are special😄

I think another poster on MN used to make an analogy between private schools and state schools, and all-inclusive holidays and self-catered holidays. You can get much of the same experience, but one costs you more money and the other costs you more time. We all have budgets of money and time. Which one is the right package for you depends, in part, on your own money/time tradeoff, i.e., how much you can get paid for working and, in part, on the differences between your state option and your realistic private options. You seem like a sensible person; I've no reason to doubt that you've made the right decision.

A friend recently said: 'everyone who I know who achieved something was educated privately'. I was trying to keep a straight face but inside I was crying.
Then her circle is limited. I know a mixture of state and privately educated people, and the perceived success is higher in the state educate.

This is about you, not your child. If your child is thriving at school, you should be happy.
Your child will make contacts at school, at university, and through hobbies. It depends a lot more on the child character and ability than on whether you paid fees.

Some of my friends went to fee-paying schools, and would probably done just as well, if not better, in the state system.

It’s quite easy for others who are not from a (presumably) minority or immigrant culture to dismiss OP’s anxiety… I get it. Would private school have given me more confidence to succeed? In my case almost certainly. Did I see more mediocre people fly past me career wise? Yes - some but not all and not to the extent you’d think. There were others from state backgrounds who did even better. Some from top schools who ‘failed’ or burnt out.

Do I need to move on from my own insecurity? Yes. But I am also grateful I never had boarding school syndrome which is a real thing and has caused untold harm to many colleagues. Am I sending my own DC private: yes. But I honestly wouldn’t bother if we were in catchment for a really good state option and if it cost less to move house to secure this.

The maths does not add up for any typically middle class or even moderately high earning parents: You are paying three times as much for your child’s education as the state does (whilst presumably working and propping up state schools that your children are not attending) but they will almost never earn three times as much as a child at a state school. Most people I know from top boarding schools - let alone London day schools - have no contact with their school pals into adulthood: much more common to forge lifelong friendships at university. And we know that it’s getting harder to get into good universities - never mind Oxbridge - from private schools.

If I had my time again, I would move out of inner London into a leafy home counties area and save my money and sanity and be a more hands-on parent away from the rat race.

I say this as someone going through 11+ decisions now so there is a bit of stress talking here!

If I was fantastically wealthy though I would pick the school that would offer my child the most ‘fun’ experience rather than trying to predict outcomes as you never know when life can be cut dramatically short.

our children probably will benefit from our connections now but that’s by virtue of our friendship group (dr lawyers banker etc) and they will do that irrespective of state v private.

So none of your DC's classmates' parents are in your friendship group?

I hear how you feel and can understand.

I think this is a case of having to train yourself to be strong minded so you can detach from all the noise and focus on what's right for your family.

How about you write a little piece, to focus your mind, that you can refer back to when it all starts getting ti you?

"We are sending X to Y state primary school - it is a great school!
We will support her by reading with her every day, ensuring homework is done thoughtfully, engaging a nice tutor for maths and English, when it is appropriate, to make sure her foundation understanding is solid - which will boost her confidence. We will give her opportunities to develop friendships and constructive hobbies outside of school, eg sports/ drama clubs.
We will support the school by attending everything and helping with trips and fundraising etc.
We will reassess when she is nearing 11.
This is an excellent choice for our family which means we can get ahead with our financial goals which will benefit all of us / including her - in the long run.
Other people will make different choices. Let them. On this matter I focus on my own family. "

^ something of this ilk.

I'm sorry to say that these sorts of feelings will come up again and again and again as you move through all the ages of parenting (eg, should I withdraw my tax free lump sum from my pension and give it to my kid for a deposit for their first home - and keep working until I'm ancient - or let them struggle on and retire now?). Everyone makes different choices and that's right. We're individuals.

Your choice is the right one for you, OP. Be at peace with your decision.

Wish you and your family all good things.

Please don't write off your state school. I am.a parent and teacher with experience of both from.both perspectives. I would say that just like state schools, private schools vary widely in the quality and values that they promote. It's too simplistic to say state bad, private good. It sounds like you have a good state primary. Make sure you are an engaged and interested parent who reads and offers lots of family experiences. They don't need to be expensive...just crafts, walks and free.museums are.great! If you are serious about your child's academic performance i would also seriously limit screen time and create a culture of reading and independent play in the home. This will give your child a massive boost in terms of their ability to concentrate. It also has positive mental.health impacts down the line.

The government said state schools would be as good as private ones and added a whooping 20 percent tax per pupil on their private school fees to that end. The reality check is the fact that many middle class families can’t longer afford private. This move will make them even better and more elite unfortunately. Some private schools have now closed after the tax hike but some top ones are expanding.
There are great state schools already so may be prioritise to get into one of those. Private schools are definitely out of reach for most now between the fees and the tax. Demand better state schools in your area as the government did promised this and are cashing on the tax already so they should be held accountable if this does not materialise.

Just look at outcomes. There is no reason why an academically bright child with motivated parents can not have the exact same life outcomes as a child in private school.
I have friends and colleagues who went to both private and state schools. There is no difference to their career and job prospects. Some are doing great, some mediocre and some not so great, a similar spread across those who went to private and those who went to state.
The differences in outcome are based on factors outside of school, their oen motivations, whether they have struggled with family issues, what they have gone on to do after education, if they are a motivated individual or a more laid back person, if they wanted to go into a career that offers high pay or decided something more vocational was for them.
The curriculum is pretty much the same in both state and private, the issues children have are still the same there is bullying jn both types of schools.
I think there are benefits to both state and private. Some private schools have terrible issues, some state schools do too.

No… because my children are 3 and 1.

my point is they will benefit by virtue of their parents the school is fairly immaterial….

my dad was a bricklayer and his friends were chippies shutterers and electricians….
he was never going to be able to help me get work experience for medicine…
if my child wanted to be a doctor I know three people at least I could ask to facilitate work experience.

my point is the went to a fancy school as a child of immigrants (as did/was my DH) and we didn’t get membership to some secret society or club…

No they did not pay that much presumably it was much less when they went. It has become unaffordable it did not used to be like that.

@dottiehens It won’t make private schools better. More elite yes but not better. Taxing education will make independent schools worse outcomes-wise. Pricing clever children out whose parents are scraping the fees together will leave room just for the wealthy and many schools will have no choice but to lower their academic selection criteria.

I wanted a career that appeared to be less accepting of working class people so I begged my parents to send me to a private school in the hope I’d have more of an advantage. They didn’t agree with me, I worked very hard and got the career anyway!

I had two friends who were privately educated. One attended on a scholarship at 16 to do her A-levels (I think she lasted a month), the other was in the school throughout his education and failed most of his GCSEs but did get C grades in some, did fairly poorly at A-levels stage too.

There are of course some brilliant stories, I know a fair few who attended boarding school and loved it. They got up to all sorts! Again, not all did very well but arguably, whether it’s a private education or not, your ability is your ability! You can be nurtured and supported but this will always be limited.

If your children struggle, pay for some extra private tuition.

my point is they will benefit by virtue of their parents the school is fairly immaterial….

I'm afraid that we'll have to disagree on this point. At the senior schools I'm familiar with, they (sometimes aggressively) ask the parents about potential work experience opportunities for their students. DC attending a school with a high proportion of doctors', lawyers', and bankers' kids are likely to have access to more of those opportunities than DC at a school with very few of those professionals.

And many parents do incorporate some of their DC's classmates' parents into their personal friendship groups.

if my child wanted to be a doctor I know three people at least I could ask to facilitate work experience.

Not all parents might be in your fortunate position of already knowing plenty of professionals who could facilitate work experience in all interesting areas such as computer programming.

That said, there may not be much of a difference in the parent composition of some state schools and some private schools. As I wrote in a previous post, it all depends on the schools. And it's debatable just how much value access to internships represents.

@user149799568
I’d argue the parental mix at the oratory, Henrietta Barnet, QE boys, tiffins latymer etc isn’t statistically significant vs most privates and even if it is…..
a bit of work experience isn’t justifying the £200k+ price tag.

i am totally pro-private (our kids will sit state and private probably) but it is not the be all and end all that’s my point.

Thank you, this is a very supportive and thoughtful response