Jealous about private schools

[Comfortable8520]

First of all, I know that I am totally wrong and mainly looking for an advice about how to deal with my feelings.

I am from a culture where children are pushed to do their best, excel at everything as much as they can. This year my DD starts reception at a normal state school. DH and I considered private schools but decided to invest the money somewhere else - pensions, mortgage, savings. We would not afford a private school without a massive sacrifice. I thought I was fine with this decision.

However, I realised I keep being triggered by sm chats/groups where people praise their private schools, discuss them etc. I think I feel very jealous of them. Also, feeling that I have not done enough for my daughter and she will not have the best chances in life in comparison with these people's kids.

Please help. I don't like feeling that way. If you ever were in this situation, did you ever find peace with it?

Thanks for your perspective. I would be fine with trips to Europe (it's beautiful and I love the culture of many European countries) but being in the right house is more important to us than sending DD to a private school. I would not feel right doing this...

Out of curiosity - how do you define that someone is highly academic at 4 years old???

In my opinion, private schools are an absolute con and complete waste of money. I think by putting a (massive) price tag on something people are lulled into a false sense of security and automatically think it must be amazing and superior to the free alternative. I'm so glad that my children go to the local state secondary and are part of a community, have lots of local friends, incredible teachers and a rich/varied curriculum. There is no way I'd swap this for a tens of thousands (3 kids) annual price tag to attend school in something that represents a stately home, has an unlimited catchment area, surrounded almost constantly by wealth and everything that goes with it. State schools are normal and I like that! Don't be jealous - the grass isn't always greener.

being in the right house is more important to us than sending DD to a private school

OK, so you've chosen what's important to you. You need to make peace with the trade-offs which come with that.

You either get jobs which pay more/or an extra job (which means you have less time off and more stress) or you choose to spend a lot less on other things (likely to include house, holidays, clothes, beauty, going out), or you send your DC to state school (and they don't get all the experiences that private gives).

You can't have everything in life. Why do you think you're entitled to getting all the good things with no trade offs?

I don't and I never said I entitled to anything. You need to read the original post before commenting.

Of course I read your initial post. Your jealousy comes from a sense of entitlement 'why can't I have the things I see others in my peer group having?'

And do you know that without knowing anything about me? Are you a psychologist who deals with other people's feelings? Or do you just want to offend someone you just met online to make you feel better? Well, I hope you DO feel better now and let's close this discussion as it seems to be pointless!

At least you’re self aware of your jealousy and how it doesn’t quite make sense. That already is progress.

I think that happy, engaged parents are the most important things for primary aged children. If you need to struggle / sacrifice to go private, it’s a no-go.

I live in a fairly affluent area just outside of London and I think that state schools are on par with prep really.

Similar families if you’re worried about ‘connections’ (I don’t agree with this but it’s been mentioned a couple times). To me the biggest difference is whether both parents choose to work full time in professional jobs or cut back, but otherwise they feel like the same type of people and there are movements in and out of either sector.

Similar class size (low 20’s). State schools aren’t full in our area.

More sport and activities at prep - and perhaps more posh ones like ski trips - but nothing you can’t do outside school yourself if you’re keen.

More wraparound / after school clubs - but this depends on individual schools, and if needed you can work something out. It shouldn’t be a determining factor.

Again, it might be different for you. Just sharing one perspective. We actually go private for logistical reasons. We will consider again when applying for secondary schools - not least because the fees then are much more expensive, and VAT makes it worse.

My DC are at state schools- one primary and one secondary - and both happy and thriving in really supportive environments with high standards. I honestly can't imagine what more a private school could offer that would justify spending all that money.

If we were in an area where the state schools were terrible, and we could afford it, then I'm sure we'd consider private - or more likely, moving house.

But if you have decent state options then private seems a huge waste of money.

Fwiw, many of my friends who went to state schools are really successful.

Jealousy is a 'you' problem, not an external problem.

The only posts you engage with are the ones which say that private school is a waste of money.

It would be better for you - and also for society - for you to recognise that this is a choice you're making, presumably for good reason, and to make peace with that choice.

And you've been pretty rude to posters like @twistyizzy and @xelaM .

The children I know at state primary and secondary schools are doing well and are a credit to their parents. The ones who have left school have their feet firmly on the ground and are thriving: some at university but many not. Anecdotal for sure, but they seem to have, not sure how to put it, but more flexibility and less traditional and boundaried career choices. What seems to make the difference is the attitude to learning, paying their way and careers at home

I’m not sure the poster mentioning being jealous of those in the state system was being disingenuous. I feel similarly. We had to remove one of ours from the state sector at 6, due to a horrendous assault. We live somewhere you can only go to your zoned school. Picking another state school wasn’t an option, even though we have 3 within 6 minutes drive. I actually am jealous of people not having to pay huge money to send a young child to private school. I was in that category (and our eldest didn’t go to private primary) until our choice was removed. I’m just grateful I can afford it, even if it wasn’t a choice I would have made willingly!

Also OP, not all private schools are equal, far from it. The ones I would consider are around 28k plus a yr now. Lots of people chose cheaper private's so not everyone is making the same financial decisions.

I can relate as I felt like this when my children were set to go to state secondary, until I was able to change things so they could go to independent.

However I really don't think primary makes a difference if you're in a good area.

I would save for sending DC private for year 7 (or maybe year 6 to help with the transition), and I'd also support them in learning a musical instrument and ideally also a sport that is practised at the independent schools (ie rugby not football). This will keep them up with the prep school kids who will be learning music and sport.

Then congratulate yourself on the interest you're earning on your savings.

Yep zero interest in engaging with anyone other than those who support their agenda.

Oh dear. What is my 'agenda'? I asked if someone have been there and if so how they sorted this out. A lot of helpful comments from both privately and state educated kids parents.

Not interested in arguments or other BS. If you can't help - bye

Thank you, that's very helpful re music and sports classes!

It's just a tone of that message. Like brushing my feelings off - I educate my child privately but you'll be fine. I might have overreacted.

I can totally feel that your message is quite humble though and you say you are grateful for what you have, as surely there are kids with the same issues who don't have this choice.

I think you should ditch the pensions and savings etc etc and go for the private education choice 0 we did. We live in a minority white area of London (but are white) and the private schools are packed full of Indian etc children doing very well indeed at private schools. Mine went private from age 4 as did I and my siblings. Rather than be jealous of it do it!

If you don't save for retirement, how are you going to survive when you retire???

Solid pension is a necessity, not a luxury to me.

You could always consider private school for secondary education. Just because your dc is at state school, does not mean they will not get the same opportunities later, you just need to work for them different. My two dc got into top private schools for secondary. I think if you can afford it for secondary, that is where it makes most sense. At least in our situation, as during primary they kind of coasted along, but for secondary we wanted them to be stretched, to feel motivation and challenge. DD is very happy at her secondary. Ds is in year 6, so we are in the middle of making the decision on which offer to accept, but I am happy with our decision to send them state first. They had a lovely time and thrived....a little bored the last couple years, but still overall a lovely experience.

I would hope to work until I die (as my father just about did). Also I will have the state pension which is about £11k a year.

In many cultures, historically, your children were your pension plan. Some people today may still view their children as better investments than a share portfolio.

To be fair, OP's child is entitled to a good education. Postcode lottery or having to pay private isn't fair.

Use the money you save on fees to provide extra curricular activities that she wants to do and on decent days out which will be enjoyable and support her education. If she's bright and wants to succeed when she's older she will do well anywhere.

Let her enjoy herself, she's only 4/5.