Jealous about private schools

[Comfortable8520]

First of all, I know that I am totally wrong and mainly looking for an advice about how to deal with my feelings.

I am from a culture where children are pushed to do their best, excel at everything as much as they can. This year my DD starts reception at a normal state school. DH and I considered private schools but decided to invest the money somewhere else - pensions, mortgage, savings. We would not afford a private school without a massive sacrifice. I thought I was fine with this decision.

However, I realised I keep being triggered by sm chats/groups where people praise their private schools, discuss them etc. I think I feel very jealous of them. Also, feeling that I have not done enough for my daughter and she will not have the best chances in life in comparison with these people's kids.

Please help. I don't like feeling that way. If you ever were in this situation, did you ever find peace with it?

I think you need to challenge the thought….. it sounds like you have a belief system (a deep down core belief) that is telling you private schools are better so you’re going to feel how you do.

Some exploration questions to ask yourself are what is my evidence for this thought / is there another way to look at this situation / where has this thought originated from / what other things aside from education are important to a child’s life and wellbeing.

I feel torn on the whole private school thing. They have a fantastic education but from what I’ve seen they don’t come close to the provisions state schools have for mental health for example and that really puts me off. I do truly believe that a child who wants to achieve can and will do just as well in a state school. I think private school is probably great for the reluctant learners because they won’t let them get away with it 😂.

What your friend said is simply not my experience. Like I said, I know loads of people who've done brilliantly at state schools. People who are now doctors, lawyers, consultants, architects. I have a few friends who went to private schools. One is a teacher, one is an administrator, one works for the council. These are all good jobs but did their parents need to spend around around £200,000k on their educations?
What I've seen time and time again is that it's about parenting- the value parents place on education, learning, how much parents push and support their kids to do well, how much parents emphasise the importance of having a career. Yes, most of the parents of privately educated kids will do these things. However, there are also many parents of state educated kids with the same values and their children will generally do well.

We live in an inheritocracy now. You are better off saving the money to pass on to her for a house deposit etc.

Inherited money /gifted money has a far bigger impact on lifestyle than earning these days

My children go to private school but I wouldn't over stretch to send them there and all schools have their problems, don't believe anyone who says otherwise

Well yes of course because your friend only knows people who went to private school.

Out here in the real world we’re all achieving great things and your friends children is no better than mine despite what she might like to tell herself.

You are surrounded by snobs OP and would do well to get yourself some friends who live in reality.

Well, sounds like they don’t know many people outside their bubble!
It all depends on how you define success and achievement, FWIW I’m state school educated and have done alright 😉
I do understand the mental gymnastics you are going through however, we all want the best for our kids and worry about how the education system is going to affect them

This is really interesting.

Both of my dc are at private for secondary but we’ve deliberately avoided hot house schools, of which there are plenty in London. It’s like parents become infected with a competitive virus - flogging their kids academically from prep onwards, sitting for multiple schools, going for the school with the highest results and status, even if not really a good fit for their dc.

I do wonder whether kids pushed in that way will end up confident and with a strong sense of identity (apart from the academic success). Obviously not all private schools, or private school parents, are like that.

Only 7% of children go to private school. Although when reading Mumsnet it can seem more like 70% 😂
Most of the 93% do well in normal schools, don't be jealous x

So much depends on the child. Mine was privately educated (with big big sacrifices & partially funded 6th form). As it turned out he has ADHD and his schools enabled him to do well, we didn’t know he had adhd then but the structure and class sizes etc helped. In contrast, my workmates child is state educated, on for 9s across the board and has to be told to stop working! Her child would do no better in private school whereas mine would have done worse in state. So it’s not beneficial for all children.

I have twins - one is in a state school and the other in a private school (due to SEN needs). I've experienced two private schools with my daughter - I genuinely regard my son's state school a better experience then her private schools - its just the private schools suit her better due to smaller class sizers due to her sen needs.
Use the money you save for tutors and out of school clubs.

You can always reconsider down the line.

I have taught in both and been to both. It isn’t really about private vs state. They vary so much in both state and private. The top London private schools are incredibly international, all the parents are very ambitious and want the best for their children. They are not an environment for everyone but all of the children do very well academically. Most of the pressure and stress tends to come from the pupils and parents and some of the parenting techniques are extreme.

Like private schools, state schools vary enormously and if you want an academic environment you have to pick wisely, live in the right place and get lucky. The good state schools are very good.

If you don’t get lucky, there are an increasing number of parents who send their children to state school but pay for tutoring, holiday clubs and extra curricular activities outside school which is why universities don’t just look at state vs private when they do contextual offers.

The teaching is the same quality but staff pupils ratios are different and retention is better in good private schools which does help enormously.

There is a lot more sport in private primaries and secondaries. There are usually multiple teams even at primary and lots of fixtures and Saturday sport going on. Having said that, children who want to compete at a high level do join external sports clubs.

There are loads if great things going on in the holidays, particularly for secondary age children in the summer. These things are run by or at universities, museums and schools.

For the millionth time. Private schools aren’t better. They just aren’t. Stop relaying a narrative because you want to believe a falsehood. Just because you directly pay for something doesn’t make it better.

I have been to both. I have experience both. If the schools around you are fine then your child can and will succeed. This isn’t dependant upon the average private school.

Seriously consider that both have positives and negatives. Both will have issues etc.

You are doing the best for your child by supporting them and the importance of academia.

None of ours went private and they've done well, including one a high achieving doctor. Obviously the education in some state schools is worse, but part of their education is at home anyway, isn't it? When my ds worried about the poor state teaching in one science subject, I pointed out that there is a lot on YouTube, including private school lessons, so it's easy to look things up, and great practice for the largely self teaching university courses later on.

Private school parent here - A lot of it depends on the child and the parental support and expectation you set at home (positive expectation not pressure).

My DC went through primary in a top private school and looking back I feel, whilst there were some benefits, its certainly not worth the money. A child can do just as well in a state school and you have the choice to supplement their learning by getting tutoring in subjects they are weak in.

Sports can be more intense in a private school than a state school. All kids are expected to join school fixtures and they get exposed to a variety of sport. But if parents have the time, they can give their child sports opportunities outside of school and infact develop in sports they like in a more targeted way.

Music wise, I felt most musical kids talents were down to outside private tutoring and discipline at home. School had very little role to play in it.

Also kids in private school grow up in a protective bubble. I find state school kids to be a lot more resilient and street-smart.

Like everything in life, there are always positives and negatives. I hope this gives you some perspective. You come across as a parent who cares and I am sure your DC will be absolutely fine - private school or no private school.

We moved to the catchment area of one of the top state schools in the country and all DC did very well

This
Most State Primaries are fine and your child will do well there is they are bright and have support at home.
However, if your only option is a crappy Secondary save like heck now so you will at least have another option (even if you choose not to take it)
I appreciate that there are pressures in some communities or social groups to go Private but if its not achievable for you then there is no point worrying about it really

All my DCs went to private schools. They were good schools but now they're in state - divorce means can no longer afford private - I really really wish we had not spent the money on prep schools and invested in instead of spending it on private education.

I would spend money on private school for 6th only. And only if there was no decent state alternative.

Op, invest the money you would have spent on private education.

DH and I considered private schools but decided to invest the money somewhere else - pensions, mortgage, savings. We would not afford a private school without a massive sacrifice.

You have decided to prioritise other things. Why be jealous of the DP who are making the ‘massive sacrifice’ that you weren’t prepared to make.

I know, but they also say there are useful connections you do at private schools. So it's not always about the education and I hate even thinking of it but I have a feeling that she will be missing out in comparison with some of my friends and acquaintances kids

Thanks, that's good to know. Did this affect them on a job level, i.e. did the cousin had better connections when finding a job? Where are they both now?

I am sorry but that doesn't sound genuine... Why didn't you move her to the state sector then?

Wow, that's really cruel. I am so sorry to hear that. I hope you are well.

I know. It's also about connections though (or so they say as I am not experienced in this). I hate thinking that my DD will not have the same opportunities as some of her (for now) friends. But I guess that's life. I just don't know why I am feeling so bad about it

Don’t be jealous op.

No1 determiner of achievement is the education of the mother. You can do more than any school can, for your own child.

Most private schools are offering sports and other extra curricular stuff. The education isn’t all that and it’s not as rosy as it looks. In fact, it’s becoming a shit show. A kind of airbrushed shit show.

And then universities and employers are under pressure not to take too many private kids.

You are better off in state in 2025 if your dc is starting reception. That might not have been true 20/30 years ago, but it is now.

There are no opportunities that you can’t provide yourself op. Seriously, reframe your thinking. It isn’t utopia.