Jealous about private schools

[Comfortable8520]

First of all, I know that I am totally wrong and mainly looking for an advice about how to deal with my feelings.

I am from a culture where children are pushed to do their best, excel at everything as much as they can. This year my DD starts reception at a normal state school. DH and I considered private schools but decided to invest the money somewhere else - pensions, mortgage, savings. We would not afford a private school without a massive sacrifice. I thought I was fine with this decision.

However, I realised I keep being triggered by sm chats/groups where people praise their private schools, discuss them etc. I think I feel very jealous of them. Also, feeling that I have not done enough for my daughter and she will not have the best chances in life in comparison with these people's kids.

Please help. I don't like feeling that way. If you ever were in this situation, did you ever find peace with it?

Is the area you live not good enough school wise?

You could always move to a better catchment

Stop reading about private schools

See how your child is academically first before you write her off

Get a tutor if you need to in the very distant future

@Comfortable8520 , I keep being triggered by sm chats/groups where people praise their private schools, discuss them etc.
They are paying shitloads for the private schooling so aren't going to be slagging the schools off. People don't post the true picture, they touch it up first.

Stay off the SM chats and groups.

You are doing just fine for your DC. Save the money for later. You can always review the schooling later. Being supportive of your child is what matters.

You've made your decision so need to move on. Our state schools have been excellent, and I'm so glad we haven't had to fork out many thousands for education. I know loads of state school educated people who've done brilliantly.

The school we are going to seems to be fine. The test results are higher than the council's average.

Well it's not that I specifically read about them. It just seems to be common to school privately in my culture so people mention it in all the chats, social media groups, etc.

Save your money for now so you have the option of going private for secondary school.

Your daughter will have the best chance as you are engaged and supportive parents. Private education isn’t always ‘best’ and there’s plenty of very good state schools out there.
At the end of it a 9 is a 9 at GCSE and it doesn’t make any difference where you got it from. Plenty of students get top grades at GCSE through the state system, plenty of state school students excel at things.

My DS did better in state schools/Uni than his cousin who was tutored to get into a grammar school and Oxford. And my DS worked PT while he was at Uni, the cousin didn’t.
Its about the child, not where they go.

As someone who has been paying private school fees since my daughter was in Reception (now Year 10) I cannot tell you how jealous I am of everyone who sends their kids to free state schools and doesn't have to waste £25K+ every year on something you can get for free! It's a total con.

The independent school DD15 has just been asked to leave has decided that now she is diagnosed as neurodiverse "they cannot meet her needs." Under some special clause in their terms and conditions they can do this. In year 10. When she's already started GCSE coursework.
Be very careful thinking that you'd be better off in the independent system.

Read some of the VAT school threads, lots of grumpy private school parents there that might cheer you up!

I jest. You don't need to go private for a good education, there are plenty of other ways you can invest in your child to provide them will a well rounded education.

I know I need to move on. I just don't know how. A friend recently said: 'everyone who I know who achieved something was educated privately'. I was trying to keep a straight face but inside I was crying.

Are these real life conversations you're having or just looking at virtual groups on the subject? If it's the latter then step away from your phone. You've made your choice. We moved DS to a private school last year for various reasons which mean we can't have the big house, fancy holidays etc. So I don't search for houses online or engage in discussions about huge houses. Or follow Disneyland pages on FB.

Private school education is completely unnecessary in the primary years if you have an even half decent state school and fully engaged parents.
Use your money to expand your daughter’s horizons and support her extra curricular interests. When she is maybe in year 5 you can use it for some tutoring if it appears necessary.
You can reassess for secondary.

Very honestly….

if you are paying £200k you are going to be telling yourself it’s the best and be very much a lone voice/ minority saying it’s crap and not worth it.

For primary especially…I personally think unless your child is NT or has issues a good state is fine / private is not worth it
prep only makes sense if it’s a feeder and you want to buy an 11+ place and save your child the uncertainty/ stress of entrance exams and have money to burn…

There are excellent state options if you are in London or the SE and anecdotally I know several people with MONEY (with kids at Paul’s, nlcs, Habs, city) who are looking to move their children out to state for 6th form or starting their younger children in state from 11+. And all of them used state for primary except one whose parents paid….

unless you have generational wealth or local schools are crap I wouldn’t break my back paying for private.get tutoring and pay for some nice extra curriculars and live your life and retire at 60

Is this about ego/keeping up appearances or about your DD’s education?

I’d think really carefully about that in terms of assessing your feelings. Clearly plenty of children excel at state schools.

I’d keep options open for private at secondary if she’s not thriving.

All of this. I also know very wealthy families who have either chosen state from the beginning or opted for state at secondary and of those at private secondaries, pretty much all will leave to state schools for sixth form.

I work in a university wellbeing centre with lots of private school kids and there can be huge guilt if parents weren’t massively rich. Also seems to be a lot of bullying at private schools and the entitlement of some of them is shocking. Students also have no idea who they are or who they want to be beyond academic as this has been drummed in to them. This lack of understanding around values and meaning can really damage mental health. Also what does success mean to you? If it’s just well paid job does this necessarily make your daughter happy? Look at all those top bankers with no life who work in a toxic environment and have break downs.

Save your money for secondary school, thats when you really get the value from it.

In the meantime, you can support your child yourself by enrolling them in similar activities to the private school kids.

Positively encourage learning by doing extra work at home and doing a range of cultural activities such as plays, museums etc.

1. When you put lots of money into something, you aren't likely to openly knock it unless it was a complete disaster.
2. Most people who have spent 1000s on schooling are likely to be trying to justify it.
3. There's probably quite a lot of pressure not to slag off your child's prestigious school, if you want them to keep going there.
4. Unless the school is terrible, why would you go round slagging off a place where your child is happy?

Can you move to an area with a good Grammar school? If your child is academic they will stand a good chance.

As someone who sends their child to an independent secondary school, we do primary really well in this country but it's secondary that can be a postcode lottery. We always knew we would go independent for secondary so saved up over state primary years to give ourselves a buffer. Before VAT it was cheaper to send to indy for secondary rather than move house to better catchments, however that's not now the case.
You could always save up over primary years to give yourself an option for secondary.

I know I need to move on. I just don't know how. A friend recently said: 'everyone who I know who achieved something was educated privately'. I was trying to keep a straight face but inside I was crying.

Oh get a grip OP come on, you know that isn't true. If you're going to be this pathetic about it you may as well liquidate and pay for it, but god help the pressure on that child to "achieve something" with your sacrifice.

I can rattle off plenty of people I know who went private and earn mediocre salaries, and vice versa. Unless you're paying for the most expensive schools with the lifestyle and connections to boot, I really don't think private school is the guarantee some people think it is, such a lot of pressure for this kid.

Kids do well in school when their parents actively support them. Not necessarily push them. Active interest in their school, their learning, their relationships. Active respect for the culture of learning. Pride in all their achievements, whether academic, sporting or effort. A home culture that embraces everything educational, dinner table discussions that reflect this.

I'm also from a culture that embraces excellence. Dh and I had a similar discussion to you. We chose to move to an area with good state schools, and our dc have all gone to comprehensive. All have and are doing well.

Envy eats you up. Embrace what you have and build on it.