Private School Kids

[LouisePe]

My son is currently 2 and we are looking into independent schools/nurseries for him. We are definitely not wealthy, more a middle class background and several friends/family have expressed that he would grow up 'out of touch with reality' going to school with wealthy pupils in private schools.

I am wanting him to attend from 4-18 (potentially the same school the whole way through) so am looking for similar experiences- how do you keep your children grounded when surrounded by pupils who are wealthy? Out of school clubs/sports etc? I want to give him this education but also want to raise a well rounded child who understands his privilege and that others aren't always as fortunate.
I'm also unsure about one school the entire way through - has anyone had experiences with this and DC coping ok with not having new friends/transitions from primary to secondary etc?

Sorry for the long post and appreciate any responses! :)

I think post- school, most people live in a bubble of ‘similarish people’ - they may go on to university together, they may well go on to the same type of jobs, and socialise with similar families. It had obvious implications when we look at eg our politicians, but in general these little bubbles float along quite happily.

Empathy and understanding for others outside the bubble is different- and lack of it can be seen from those in all socio-economic groups, tbh.

It's an interesting view of society I suppose, and always very dependent on who you know. My little bubble is very privileged, private schools, Oxbridge and RG unis, very academic bunch of high achieving friends. So looking at DD1's, in particular, cohort. All of whom would be intimated as not being part of "the real world", and not understanding how much of the rest of society works:

DD1 fab job in consultancy, but her speciality is in a medical field which brings her into contact with a very marginalised, highly dependent, families.
Two friends went into Teach First, a couple of others in post PGCE teaching posts.
One, is currently Post Grad Midwifery.
Flat mate is self employed arts, supporting charities, schools, special needs kids.
Lots and lots of Medics.

Just to add balance, a couple in highly paid financial and/or big 5 consultancies.

So, despite their privileged backgrounds, they are mostly doing excellent things benefitting society as a whole.

Yes, I was mainly meaning friendships / colleagues / social group rather than ‘who one might work on behalf of’. The latter works both ways - a social group of those who work in minimum wage, unqualified roles may have clients / customers who move in a very different circle; ditto a social group of teachers / social workers / medics who work on behalf of the extremely deprived but not mix with them socially in an everyday manner. Both will probably have more empathy / understanding of those ‘outside their bubble’ than those who both socialise and work in very ‘enclosed’ worlds such as city finance or corporate law.

I’m not explaining this very well!

Absolutely, I get that. I'm struggling to explain how I feel too, when the fab group of youngsters that I know are all trying to make the world a better place, DESPITE or perhaps because of their privileged backgrounds. I haven't even mentioned the others working in environment and sustainability, etc etc.

My two kids are in private schools, one at primary and one just moved up to secondary. I had a very working class background and neither me or my DH were privately educated. We both work full time in senior roles pand travel quite a bit with work. Our wealth is self made and we don't get any help from family with childcare and have never had any help with money.

My kids stay grounded because I don't spend stupid amounts on materialistic things, their Nan/grandad/cousins/friends outside of school (and some from school) live on fairly average housing estates and go to state schools and they see that regularly and have just as good a time there if not better than they might have at a friend's house with tennis courts and a pool, plus I remind my kids every day that their schools are a real privilege and if they don't take advantage of all the opportunities they offer then I will stop paying for those and the small class sizes and move them to our local state school at which they would do just as well (although for me it isn't about results, it's about the experience; I was badly bullied for being vaguely smart and wanting to work hard at my rough comp).

There are a wide range of incomes at our school, I consider myself pretty wealthy but not compared to the footballers, and then the footballers probably feel like paupers compared to the oil entrepreneurs where dad lives in Dubai for tax reasons...etc etc

@cantkeepawayforever I have 2 choices of school for my children: a village school full of very comfortable middle class families, or a private school with very comfortable upper middle class families. In either scenario they have a skewed view of ‘normal’ and are surrounded by relative privilege. Our private school on they other hand offers a much broader range of cultural and linguistic backgrounds, which is as important (more important ?) than economic diversity from my perspective. The private school also invests far more class time on social and environmental justice issues. My kids are always going to have privilege, regardless of school, but I think the private option for us gives a much broader view of the world and society.

@toottootpipip
Why are you threatening your DC? Sounds like a lot of pressure and horrible. We paid and just let DDs get on with it. No point reminding them all the time about their luck and you are also reinforcing your view that other schools and DC are shitty. Heaven forbid your poor DC have to join them by failing at their independent school! What a nasty attitude. Actually bright Dc work out they are privileged without threats of removal from school if they don’t confirm to requirements. They remain privileged!

@cantkeepawayforever
I think you are right. Decent people exist everywhere!!

I'm not threatening them at all thanks, just pointing out that if they aren't going to take advantage of the extracurricular activities then moving to the local state academy is fine with me and we can as a family use the money for something else. Them understanding the value of money and the choices we have is very important to me.

@toottootpipip
Itz threatening!

Whatever

Surely the whole point of going private is to be in a bubble?! Who wants their kids in the horrible old real world!

I think many parents do think the “real world” can wait for a bit longer! Not needed immediately after primary school. Plus it’s definitely a bubble in private education but some schools far more than others. That’s a good thing. It isn’t great to say a DC will be rejoining the “real world” as a punishment!

Wish people would just be honest! You basically want a nice middle class school so your child can get a good education then decent job and live in nice area with other nice people living in it. Remember someone else banging on about kids “being in a bubble” as if it’s a bad thing Dh and I concluded on the way home actually being in a bubble is great - bring it on! Ours go to state but damn right we chose a smaller posh city where the state schools are good rather than the huge city where Dh works with urban deprivation and more social problems…

I find these arguments fascinating. It’s seemingly morally bankrupt to buy your kids an education by paying fees to a business to purchase the product they offer. But spending thousands of pounds on tutoring to secure places at state grammar schools is a-ok, and investing the money temporarily in buying a house in a ‘nice school’ ghetto until the kids finish and you walk away with a profit is also fine. £100k cars and big holidays are also fine, but spending that money on schooling isn’t fine. It’s interesting.

I have a child at state and a child in private. Your kid will only come out as an entitled little horror if you teach them to be one, regardless of where they go to school. If you’re not going to be amongst the very wealthiest then you might have to have a few conversations about why you’re not going to Dubai for Easter and why you don’t have ponies, but the kids only put as much weight on that stuff as you do. Carry it lightly and they’ll carry it lightly too.

There is nothing wrong with prioritising your child’s education, whether state catchment, grammar or independent schooling. You are literally trying your best to prepare the next generation of hardworking good tax payers. Women really should stop bashing each other…. The whole private vs state is as tedious as the whole Stay at home vs part time vs full time working mums threads. Anyone doing their best and prioritising their DC’s future is doing a good job, not just for their own DC but for the whole of society. end of

I think that there are types of ‘gaining advantage for your own children’ that directly disadvantage other members of society, though, and that can be really difficult to negotiate.

For example, people who swoop in in large numbers in late KS2 and pay well over the odds for houses very near ‘honeypot’ secondaries do disadvantage the children of long-term residents in poorer areas that are on the fringes of the catchment and (because of the artificially inflated population density of 10 year olds in the centre of the catchment) no longer get places.

People who pay for private primaries plus private tutoring for the 11+ push the mark needed to get a place up to a point where it becomes harder and harder for a bright untutored child from a state school to access a grammar school.

By removing the children of the most highly achieving and ambitious parents from the state school system, an over-concentration of private schools can create a two -stream system in certain areas where the relative quality of state education fir the many languishes. (Tbh, I don’t see this as the worst of the 3, but when privately educated politicians remove their children from the state system it allows them to ignore the problems of that system entirely )

So I understand why parents push fir what us best for their own child, but find it harder to accept that the results if this are always ‘better for society as a whole’.

Using an all-through school from 4-18 is quite likely to result in a child having a fairly unrealistic grasp of their privilege level. Private schools tend to be quite heavy on the extra-curricular provision and may also be quite heavy on the homework, leaving little time or energy for also being part of more socially inclusive extracurriculars. You may manage one or two clubs e.g. cubs/scouts but there's no guarantee that will help (in my case it just led to me being bullied for the crime of going to a posh school, as if that was under my control). Being among the less wealthy in a school with a lot of very wealthy families may even have the opposite effect - giving the child the impression that you are relatively poor.

I'm not saying don't do it, but be realistic about the fact that you can't have everything you want.

We did state till age 11 then private. DC has friends in state schools and memories of the lower resource level from primary and so has a reasonably good idea of the level of advantage being bought.

Dd who is at state is friends with private school girls one is unimaginably wealthy just jaw dropping - Manor House etc. very easy going nice girl happy to muck in and sleep on a mattress on the floor at our normal house. It’s how they are brought up I agree.

I wouldn't get hung up on going all the way through from 4-18 - start in state school, spend your money on clubs, activities, outings, travel, books etc, and see how he goes.

Go for it OP. Visit schools and find the right one for your DS.

I tend to think 4-28 is claustrophobic . I think prep for KS2 and then see what’s possible at 11 or 13. DC change. You might find they need another school for secondary. We know several who have found this and also for 6th form. Flexibility allows for DC to develop and mature.

I think this depends on the school. My children are in a private school but not one of the biggies/more well known ones. We live pretty frugally (I'm a single parent). The other parents are all friendly, some work for sheiks, others buy properties for several million 'to do up' - it's pretty obvious from my home that I'm not rich by any standards yet somehow I pay my fees. My children are really happy there. I'm paying for small classes essentially so all are really well supported. It might be different in the more well known schools but for us, it's been fine.

I would say send your child to the type of school you want and to avoid running your choices by friends, family etc. I have gone down the private route and the children in the class are from a much more mixed background than many would assume. It depends on the school and its values - for profit schools can operate differently to those that reinvests everything back into the school. Those who seek donations and name buildings after past pupils and their family may be swayed by those making the biggest donation. You need to understand who owns, runs and funds the school. Meet the heads at events and see who you like, over time you’ll start to build up a picture of what you’d like. I don’t regret going the private route, some people are ideologically against private education (which is of course they’re right) and some might just be a little envious - who knows? Don’t worry about other people, just pursue what’s right for you and your family. Good luck!

I told mine we are poorer than their friends.

They got that and are not embarrassed by it.

Lots of people struggle to pay. And lots of those who don’t are perfectly happy to be friends with people who are struggling. If there is a small clique who care, just don’t be friends with them.

I also warned mine before applying to senior school that they would be discriminated against on university entrance.

im autistic so I like everything to be clear and transparent upfront.