Private School Kids

[LouisePe]

My son is currently 2 and we are looking into independent schools/nurseries for him. We are definitely not wealthy, more a middle class background and several friends/family have expressed that he would grow up 'out of touch with reality' going to school with wealthy pupils in private schools.

I am wanting him to attend from 4-18 (potentially the same school the whole way through) so am looking for similar experiences- how do you keep your children grounded when surrounded by pupils who are wealthy? Out of school clubs/sports etc? I want to give him this education but also want to raise a well rounded child who understands his privilege and that others aren't always as fortunate.
I'm also unsure about one school the entire way through - has anyone had experiences with this and DC coping ok with not having new friends/transitions from primary to secondary etc?

Sorry for the long post and appreciate any responses! :)

What bugs me about private schools is that despite paying extortionate fees, most of the kids are also privately tutored. The whole point of private school in my opinion is not having to need a tutor. Some of the kids at state schools are also tutored but they don't pay extortionate fees and can have a live in tutor if they wish as they have the budget from not paying private school fees. So therefore, Private schools in my opinion still doesn't buy you a head start and it relies on your dc's natural ability and parental influence which is when the environment your dc is studying doesn't actually make a difference private or state.

The whole point of private school in my opinion is not having to need a tutor.

@marblerumner

that sure as heck was “the whole point” of why I chose to send my children to private school

Was NOT the whole point!!!

@LouisePe the school you’re considering (judging by the fees you mention) is not an elite, public school - in my experience of ‘local’ independent day schools, half the parents will be getting help with fees from grandparents. Many of the parents will be on very average professional salaries. There will be a few ‘rich’ parents - but I can assure you, if they have chosen that school they are not hobnobbing with Russian oligarchs.

I should also tell you that this sort of school is a world away from a traditional public school (full boarding, fees approaching £50k now). But, oddly enough, because of vigorous bursary departments, the best of these schools will have pupils whose parents couldn’t have afforded the school you’re considering.

I 100% wouldn’t send my children to primary school even if we had the finances to do it.That’s not being dishonest about it, I fundamentally disagree with them. My two eldest attended a grammar school where they absolutely flourished.
Last figures were that 98% of young people achieved 5 or more GCSES at grades 9-5 (or A*-C depending on awarding body, with 90% achieving 7 or more subjects at those grades - there’s no aspect of their education that could have been improved by throwing money at it other than if they wanted to rely on the “Old Boys Club” mentality in later life.

@Cleoforever if your dc is naturally bright and not challenged in state and you found a place at a excellent private school then good for you. There are also other factors where parents choose private that suits their child needs from better behaviour management to challenging a bored child who was at state. But there are loads of mediocre private schools out there like in my dc's situation with better state options. The kids at my dc's mediocre private school are still tutored as well as the state school my dc is about to attend.

I have no comment about any other point you made other than “the whole point of private” being to avoid private tutor

It isn’t. It really isn’t.

Private schools vary hugely. In some ways, far more than state schools. Yet, there is a huge amount of stereotyping (as this thread shows) that goes on which assumes they are all similar.

I am very aware that my kids experience is very different compared to even the kids who go to one of the other preps in our town.

The answer is, are you happy with the school? Can you talk to local parents to get a feel for whether the issues you are worried about are issues at this particular school?

Both my sons went private from 4 until 16. They then went to the local state 6th form for them to experience a different environment and meet new friends. Also they were less spoon fed at 6 form college than school 6 form which I thought would be a better preparation for Uni.

I am certainly not wealthy and was a single parent. I just wanted stability for my sons which was why staying at the same school from 4 onwards appealed. There wasn't really any issue with us not having as much money as other parents and in reality there weren't many obviously super wealthy people there. Unless you're thinking of Eton or somewhere like that I can see it being an issue. Lots of people had grandparents paying school fees and the parents lived relatively normal lives. No one was particularly showy and you'd probably only be able to gauge someone's wealth if you were invited to their house.

@LouisePe I have two dcs who have gone through private and state school.

They started private in Y9 and Y10.

The general comment around ‘being disconnected from RL’ is one dc1 made when he started. He also commented that it wasn’t all children and that those who had been involved with clubs/sports outside of school had a better idea of the struggles others could face. Or the life of other people.

Basically those who were playing football, cricket, swimming etc etc….

I think that as long as you dont ONLY rely on school activities for dc you’ll get a good balance.

This is a sweeping generalisation based on the few people you know attending private school. In contrast, there is not a single child in my DC's class currently being tutored. But even if they were, so what?!

Why in your opinion is it ok for a parent to spend an extra £2-300k on a house in the catchment of an outstanding state and pay for a tutor but not one who is spending £15k pa in school fees?

Private schools tend to have much better sports facilities - do you also feel it is pointless for a private school parent to pay for extra swimming lessons if their child doesn't pick it up quickly in class lessons? Or to pay for external art lessons for enjoyment even though they have a specialist teacher at school?

Every parent who privately educates has a reason for spending the money on fees and, surprisingly enough, it is not always grades.

DD has been at the same school since she was a toddler. She has four years left. She loves the school so much.

It is always bitter sweet when the top class leaves and there is a big end of year whole school celebration for them. The students are of course sad to leave the school but they have an excited, determined and confident look about them too.

The state system is unable to offer the education I want for my daughter, and homeschooling isn’t an option, so we had to go private and am very glad we did.

Btw re a child doesn’t need to be at a private school in primary.

I think it varies hugely depending in the child and the schools.

dc1 did very well at a state primary. He didn’t learn how to put a sustained effort but learnt that through sports instead.

dc2 would have done much better at a private school. He was the quiet child that bothered no one but struggled. He was ignored all the way through (and relied on to keep the most disruptive children calmer). He would have done much better at his current private school. Incl feeling much more self confident and being generally happier.

Obviously it depends a lot on what sort if state schools you have around and how is your private school….

This is a sweeping generalisation based on the few people you know attending private school.

Thrownspanner every thread about private schools on mn is full of sweeping generalisations. Soon we’ll have the story of my uncle’s sister-in-law’s cousin’s accountant’s brother’s doctor’s son who went to private school and the new boys were roasted over a spit on their first day before going into the local town and kicking homeless people and ordering shop keepers to bow to them and call them ‘master’.

Your original posts is contradictory. The fact you can afford private fees for 4-18 already put you in a priviledged position. They'll live in a bubble in a independent school. My children go to state schools in a leafy suburb. There are still children on free school meals, and DC1 just told me one of her good friends parents regularly ran out of money and can't afford food and heating. This is just not going to happen in an independent school. And my children is already in a well off bubble.

Don't kind yourself to think he won't be out of touch with reality. You need to accept you are buying priviledge and a wealthier group of classmates and parents.

Thankyou to all who have shared your experiences, especially those being kind in their responses. I posted this seeking others who had been through the system as I'm the first in my family to consider this and many of my friends don't yet have DC. He is involved in community playgroup/mini sports classes already and I hope to keep him engaged in community based activities so he can grow up with friends from all backgrounds and walks of life.

I understand my son is 'privileged' as I can afford to even consider these schools however I also hope to raise him as a kind, gentle, considerate human. I'm honestly very surprised at how berated I have been on this thread, eye opening for sure. I think we all just want the best for our DC..

My concern would not necessarily be about state vs private, but about a single school from 4-18, with the implication of the same restricted range of peers throughout.

I would look really carefully at the size of the cohort, and how many stay all the way through. The type of school with a small primary / pre-prep of maybe 40 per year, expanding at 7+ and then to a senior school of 120 or so - that would be ok, because the large influx at secondary age would shake things up and allow for the forming of new friendships and creation of new norms. The type that has similar size year groups all the way through, especially if small, would be potentially much more restrictive and ‘bubble like’.

Also worth thinking about length of day, weekend sports etc. The type of school that remains within eg an 8-4 day with no weekend sports fixtures still allows plenty of time for other interests with different groups - the Scouting movement, football clubs, county music, drama etc. Other schools aim to offer ‘everything under one roof’ with an 8-6 day, maybe plus evening training / rehearsals in the senior school, also maybe with Saturday school or sports fixtures. Those are by definition more insular.

In your shoes, I would think of each ‘stage’ of school - Reception to Y2, Y3-Y6, Y7 -Y11 and sixth form - as separate, and regularly review the best option for each as your child develops, rather than committing in your mind to a single institution from 4-18. If your intended school looks best from the options available from 4-7, go for it, but do if you can also seek out at least 1 activity with a wider peer group.

Cleoforever I'm in Scotland

I went through both sectors during my education, and I will be privately educating my children. The class sizes, opportunity, resources, focus and quality of the education was incomparable.

My children will be grounded because although we’re wealthy, we’re not cunts. Quite simple really.

Hi OP,

I agree with a lot of what’s already been said. My son has been at private school since he was 7 (started out in local state primary). He loves it. He’ll be at the same school right through until 18, and has recently experienced moving up to the Lower School from Junior. We are comfortably off, but many of the parents are very wealthy, much more so than us…on the other hand some aren’t.
I’m glad we chose an option where he can stay at the same place throughout his education, I think it helps with the anxiety of moving up to what would have been secondary school. Remember most schools will have new intakes at Year 7 anyway, so he’ll still have the chance to make new friends. I think it’s been a good balance of the reassurance of old friends, but a feeling of change because they change buildings, have new teachers and some new pupils, so it still feels different.
re: the privilege stuff…I think it comes down to the school’s ethos as well as your general parenting really. DS’s school do a lot of work in the local community, a lot of fundraising, and there’s the chance to join a myriad of clubs many of which are focused on their role in the world and the opportunities they’ve been given to make a positive impact. Ultimately it’s really important to pick a school that you feel has the right approach to it.
Good luck!

A lot of international families I know who prioritize education choose private despite having to stretch a little. They just want the best for their child, though it depends on what best means. Many British that I have met shrug it off, saying it's not affordable, not necessary, 'I didn't go private and I still do okay' and so on. A lot of classism I have observed comes from the people themselves, who feel they don't need to 'step up' and justify that. I'm not saying going private is stepping up, but people here don't seem to challenge status quo much.
I am happy with my dd's private education, having moved from an outstanding school in a lovely villagey location. Is it £6000 better than state? Probably not. But it is better in our experience and we're happy to pay.
My household is probably in the last quartile of my dd's private school classmates in terms of wealth. We just work hard to make it happen, and are grateful to be able to. We live in an okay-ish house and have reasonable holidays, but nothing extravagant. If you need to give that up to afford private fees, you might want to rethink.
Also I don't agree with going state for primary and private in secondary necessarily - having a good primary education with enriched curriculum is also as important. If money is stretched and needs to be chosen, it's entirely up to the child..

You've had a lot of stick @LouisePe , all of it unwarranted and mostly based on prejudice. I am a single parent in a similar situation and I am looking for my DS to go private for secondary, he's currently in Year 4 at state primary.

Apart from the financial benefit of not doing both, it has definitely been worth him being at school with lots of kids who live nearby (although we're not especially local to the school), as we have both made local friends, plus the state primary was/is a much better fit for him than the local prep.

We're hoping to go private for secondary (with a bursary) because the local state options are really not good, and what's on offer at the independent is a very good fit with the things he is interested in, none of which would be priorities at the state schools nearby - music in particular.

Although I initially liked the idea of an "all through" school, I can now see the benefit of having both experiences, so that's something you might like to consider.

With regards to your DS staying grounded, the independent I am considering couldn't be more down-to-earth if it tried and the admissions team were very clear that we wouldn't be the poor relation on a bursary, and that no one other than a very few people knows who has one anyway. We don't have full-on holidays or a flash car and a generally modest lifestyle, and that will continue...if DS is lucky enough to be invited to go somewhere/do something with more financially comfortable friends, then I will afford it if I can.

As a friend who has been a head teacher in both sectors said to me when I was pondering exactly the question you've asked, it's not about whether the school is private or state, it's about whether it's the right fit for the child.

My DD goes to private school, and her 3 sisters will too-likely for their entire education. The school isn't a stuffy old-school style, it's not all white kids from rich families. A few children in her class are there on scholarships/have other means to pay for their education, and a few won't be able to attend private for their whole education. DD is in a class of 20, I'd say half are POC, half white/white presenting. Multi-faith school too, so the kids aren't sheltered. We also make sure our children don't use money or labels as a way to judge people, and we'll work hard to keep it that way.

Private schools are not filled with super wealthy families. 7% of children attend private schools. 7% of the population do not come from super wealthy families. Yes, most of them will come from families with income and wealth a fair bit above the national average, but these schools are not full of people driving Bentleys and living in huge country estates. There is a real mix of people, mostly perfectly normal, hard working families.

Saying that all private schools are filled with spoilt brats who are out of touch with reality is as ridiculous as saying that all state schools are full of underachieving pupils with families with no aspiration.

As for fees, you need to bear in mind the possibility of VAT being added. Extras include trips (although they’re often no more expensive than state school trips, and not all pupils go on every trip). Music fees are often fairly expensive so bear that in mind too. As for uniform, most children have at least some from the second hand uniform shop (including those from very wealthy families).

Out of school clothes are normal at our schools. No one wears designer clothes. They just wear cheap clothes from high street shops. In fact, it’s the state schools which seem to have a lot of pupils insisting that they need a £350 coat for example, or £200 trainers. I genuinely haven’t seen that at our schools.

As for children appreciating that they are extremely lucky, I believe that mainly comes from conversations at home. Schools are also very keen to ensure that pupils know how fortunate they are - interestingly the most expensive schools we looked at make more of that. Out of the schools we looked at, the most entitled/spoilt attitude came across from the school with the lowest fees. Doing one or 2 non-school extra curricular things helps them mix with every one as well.

Unfortunately, threads like this end up full of posters trying to justify why they wouldn’t send their children to private school even if they had the money. “My twice removed nephew’s cousin got all As from a state school, but I know someone who lives 3 streets away from my auntie’s friend, privately educated, who failed their exams”.

My advice would be to look round a few schools to get a feel for them. There are some private schools I wouldn’t choose. They’re not all brilliant. Ignore what other people think. I don’t know why so many people get worked up about education choices which others make.

Education is a huge part of childhood, and is about so much more than results and end careers. It’s about giving them as many opportunities as possible so they can find what they are good at, but most importantly it’s about happiness. Seeing a school filled with happy, content children is lovely.

Given the amount of striking teachers complaining about pay and conditions in the state sector, I’m yet to be convinced that the majority of state schools lead to the best possible outcomes for children, but everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

My husband went to a private school for secondary. His family weren’t wealthy either. He says that there was definitely quite a large gulf between the rich kids and the kids whose parents were struggling to afford to send them. He was against private school for our kids, as am I (but for different reasons).