Private School Kids

[LouisePe]

My son is currently 2 and we are looking into independent schools/nurseries for him. We are definitely not wealthy, more a middle class background and several friends/family have expressed that he would grow up 'out of touch with reality' going to school with wealthy pupils in private schools.

I am wanting him to attend from 4-18 (potentially the same school the whole way through) so am looking for similar experiences- how do you keep your children grounded when surrounded by pupils who are wealthy? Out of school clubs/sports etc? I want to give him this education but also want to raise a well rounded child who understands his privilege and that others aren't always as fortunate.
I'm also unsure about one school the entire way through - has anyone had experiences with this and DC coping ok with not having new friends/transitions from primary to secondary etc?

Sorry for the long post and appreciate any responses! :)

This.
As I said in a previous post there are plenty of parents on here boasting about their wealth yet principled enough to use state schools.
Presumably these rich children have a far more privilege life than many of their peers.

@Southwestten totally! There is no getting away from the fact that there is inequality everywhere.

It’s not a barrel of laughs being dubbed “posh” and rich in a state school either! I know of what I speak! Human nature people more comfortable amongst similar peer group

There is a diverse range of children at private school. Different wealth, cultures, religion, bla bla. My child is friends with the uber rich e.g private jets but also those on 100% bursaries- and everyone in between. It makes no difference as when they meet up in the holidays etc they gauge the activities so that it’s affordable to everyone. I honestly can’t think of anyone who feels out of place because of the wealth disparity. Perhaps a little envious sometimes when they see someone’s house, but that’s it.

It’s a bit like real life!

OP - the fees you mention are they for Primary age ? Fees tend to rise as children get older and I would expect secondary fees to be significantly more than you have quoted . Local schools near us are 18k - 27k per year plus transport costs and extras like exams clubs not to mention the uniforms .

I ‘m just in the process of moving my 13 year old out of state into private so can’t really help on your main questions

I am from a working class single parent family and I went to private school from nursery to sixth form. My mom couldn't afford it, I had an assisted place.
It was obvious I was the poor child at times: some of the trips I couldn't go on because they were so expensive, skiing every year for example. My friends also lived in huge houses, some with swimming pools, had au pairs and much older parents with what seemed to me as a child as very important jobs.
On the other hand class sizes were tiny so academically I did well. I loved school.
The downfall was when I started uni. The huge class sizes were too much and I didn't cope.
That being said, would I send my child to private school if I could?
Senior school yes, in a heartbeat.

It’s not just being in school. The inform, multiple PE kits required, instruments, etc etc.

It’s birthday parties, clothes, toys/gadgets, trips. Holidays. Peers having multiple holidays (skiing, Caribbean, a house in Corfu, a house in cornwall, sailing, horses…) can you keep up.

the private schools we are considering range from £8k - £14k depending on year levels.

Is what the OP said. I’m not sure when the middle income, working parents paying these type of fees would have time or money for all those expensive leisure activities!

TheaBrandt · Today 10:25
It’s not a barrel of laughs being dubbed “posh” and rich in a state school either! I know of what I speak

This can be really unpleasant. A few years ago an Etonian called Horatio Chappell was killed by a polar bear in the Arctic Circle.
His brothers opened a Facebook page for condolences and memories of their brother and there were really unpleasant things written on it.
One student wrote ‘Eton mess’ with smiling emojis. She obviously wasn’t the sharpest tool in the box as she gave her full name and the fact she was at Bristol university so she was given a bollocking by a member of staff at the university.

Maybe some people think that’s ‘punching up’ which is usually the excuse given for bullying on class grounds.

My dcs went to a private school where all of that was on offer.
it has NEVER meant that all pupils were doing all activities. Actually many of them don’t do any. Incl music etc….
It’s also a school where a nit so small part of tte pupils had their fees paid by grand parents (totally or partially).
None if it was ever a problem.

School uniform was similar price than state - but much better quality so there was a lot of handing me down, jumpers used for years and totally faded etc….

A happy life isn’t about “keeping up” with people who are better off than you. There will always be people better off than you, and invariably people worse off. That’s in all walks of life, in every area of education. Children are in for a miserable life if they are constantly comparing themselves with people who have more than they do. Children aren’t inherently judgemental about people who have less than they do, unless they have parents who are constantly comparing themselves with others.

Not everyone at private school has multiple holidays, yachts and numerous holiday homes. A large percentage of pupils have at least some second hand uniform and hand me downs. Not all children play instruments. Nor does every child go on every single school trip on offer.

I don't get it. You are talking about the type of people at private schools, but you WILL be one of the people at private school. People will be just like you.

Some will be richer that you, and some less so. Just like life really.

You keep you DC grounded by making them realise they are lucky to have a lovely school, and that not everyone can afford it. Say "no" to them occasionally. They get a job when they're older. They volunteer. They go to external clubs. It's really not difficult.

A large percentage of pupils have at least some second hand uniform and hand me downs

We used to run waiting lists for things like blazers and sports kit at our private school. So many new starters were astonished that the "old hands" were in exclusively second hand. They soon joined the lists! I've seen blazers go through five or six different students.

Exactly the same at the private schools we’ve been to - always short of blazers and sports kit to sell as they’re so popular! Most children I know have at least some second hand kit, and also hand me downs from siblings because the uniform lasts as it’s decent quality. This is true of the expensive public schools too.

Discussions of second hand uniform or a bursaries or parents with ‘normal’ jobs in private schools cannot disguise the fact that the families using private schools are, on average, much more wealthy than those in state schools.

Nationally, 22.5% of pupils are eligible fir Free School Meals:
https://explore-education-statistics.service.gov.uk/find-statistics/school-pupils-and-their-characteristics

That means that they have met the eligibility criteria listed here:
https://www.gov.uk/apply-free-school-meals
which, as far as I can see, depending on criteria, means an annual gross income of under £17k.

It seems extremely unlikely that there are any private schools with a percentage of current pupils eligible for FSM at or above 22.5%.

Same story here with second hand uniform - DC's entire uniform is pretty much second hand. We only buy shirts and socks brand new and parents at the school are willing to pass onto other parents once done. DC has a child in class with an older sibling who is same sex as DC, when they became friends, other parent gave all their older child's uniform to us as they don't need it anymore. I have been paying it forward to other parents when DC is done with their bits

You can try and you may get a child who does have empathy to a certain extent but you won't truly succeed.

Ds who moved to a state school at the age of 13 then went to an FE college in a fairly deprived area has a much different outlook on life than dd who went private all through.

We are not what many consider to be wealthy (family income between £60-70k) but we are very priveleged compared to most of ds's friends.

I don't think anyone is denying the fact that the overall population is wealthier than the average state though. They are disputing the fact that all private school kids live in a super privileged bubble and have money growing on the trees in their garden. And also disputing that they are all snobs who are unaware of how the world works.

The state schools in my area that parents clamber to get their children into and spend hundreds of thousands extra on properties in catchment for have less than 10% of children on FSM, sometimes around 7%. Most of these parents are the ones who are claiming they don't believe private schools are ethical

Do the private schools in your area have 7-10% of pupils on FSM?

@cantkeepawayforever disingenuous. I don’t think she’s claiming that private schools have exactly the same demographics as state, just that there is not as much difference as your previous posts imply

The difference between 7% and 0% of pupils having an household income of lower than £17k is still quite significant, though? Especially as it is unlikely that those just above this level are highly represented either (paying essentially the full household income in fees).

My main point is that conversations around ‘sacrifices’ and ‘second hand uniform’ are themselves from a position of relative privilege - and I say this as someone who had a 100% scholarship to boarding school, with my parents saving the term-time cost of my meals to buy my secondhand uniform. I know I was still privileged .

Private schools don't disclose the income of parents who are on a full bursary so it would be impossible to comment. Full bursaries at privates where I am include all fees, uniform, meals, transport and trips.

However you are entirely missing the point - I never denied that the majority of families using private education are wealthier than the overall state population. I am saying that in many areas, there is not much of a difference in the demographics of children at both schools.

The hypocrites are the parents buying properties in wealthy catchment areas of excellent schools, tutoring and paying for extracurriculars then preaching they wouldn't privately educate because they don't want to give their children an unfair advantage.

Of course they are privileged, it goes without saying. I'm struggling to work out who is denying this though. The only point people are making are that having this privilege doesn't mean they are unaware of it or unable to function in the real world

It depends what you define as not much of a difference in the demographics of children at both schools. really, doesn’t it?

1 in 10 pupils rather than say 1 in 100 with a household income of benefits or less than £17k strikes me as ‘quite different’, but I may be in the minority here.

It’s not unusual for a higher percentage than that at private schools to be on bursaries, so they are not from wealthy families. Compare that with the state funded grammar system where fewer than 5% of children are entitled to FSM. Obviously the average wealth at a private school will be higher than the state system, but a lot of people in the private system will have far less disposable income after school fees than many in the state system.