Private School Kids

[LouisePe]

My son is currently 2 and we are looking into independent schools/nurseries for him. We are definitely not wealthy, more a middle class background and several friends/family have expressed that he would grow up 'out of touch with reality' going to school with wealthy pupils in private schools.

I am wanting him to attend from 4-18 (potentially the same school the whole way through) so am looking for similar experiences- how do you keep your children grounded when surrounded by pupils who are wealthy? Out of school clubs/sports etc? I want to give him this education but also want to raise a well rounded child who understands his privilege and that others aren't always as fortunate.
I'm also unsure about one school the entire way through - has anyone had experiences with this and DC coping ok with not having new friends/transitions from primary to secondary etc?

Sorry for the long post and appreciate any responses! :)

Op, if you can to educate privately then do so. Some views of private schools seem to come from people who haven't sent their children as completely unrecognisable to me.

There are the top public schools which will be elitist however some private schools will have a more mixed demographic than a grammar school in an expensive area.

The private schools I have sent my dc have great values, they promote kindness and compassion. I have had dc in the state system and private so believe I can compare.

Start looking at schools, there is such a wide variety that you will get a sense of culture in schools and from there you can make a decision. Many people choose to educate primary state and then private for secondary. This perhaps offers a good balance.

I have one twin in private and the other twin with in government - the twin in government has had a better education.

So if the child in the state school is getting a better education, why are you paying for the sibling to go private?

@anniz91 Let's face it if you had the money to spend wouldn't you do it? If you say no then clearly you are fooling yourself... This often gets said, but only 7% of pupils are in private school, meaning a great many can afford to send their children but choose not to.

In the area I live the way many parents choose to use their (considerable in many cases) wealth/advantage is to purchase in a preferred catchment area for a good state school.

I said mixed and varied.

The school is both these things. It obviously isn't a perfect reflection of society with all wealth, health, social and enthusiasm mixes taken into account, no of course not. Just as a state school reflects the area around it and the people who chose to send their children there and the price they can pay for a house in catchment.

Is it as mixed as the local state school, probably not on economic terms but it probably is more from a ethnic and international standpoint.

Our school takes a high number of children on scholarships and reduced fees. It really isn't a hotbed of snobbery and gentry, although I agree that by its very nature it can't be a perfect reflection of society, although I'd argue that no school is.

I agree with every word carried out - a private school by definition cannot be “mixed”. I worked in the city it was like the United Nations but everyone was very educated and middle class irrespective if they from Japan Delhi Baghdad or London. I had more in common with my international peers than I did with people from a different class but from this country where I grew up.

And no matter how much you tell yourself that people buy houses to get into certain states in most cities there is mixed housing in a small area so there will be every strata represented.

Um, if you can afford the fees your kid is one of the wealthy kids. Private schools are stuffed with middle class families its not all uber uber wealthy.

Lots of grandparents pay a healthy contribution too so it can look like some people have more money than they do.

We privately educate. Almost everyone i know moans about the fees. Its not that bad if you only have one child - comparable to private nursery fees but it is a big commitment (comparable to our mortgage).

Also, i would say that my childrens private school (being city based) is much more diverse than our local state option. Fees are not the £30k bandied around either - thats more the level in the public schools.

I think you're sensible to be thinking about this if you're planning all-through private ed. I went to private school throughout (in a different country but similar principles) and I honestly thought we were pretty poor because we didn't have new cars/foreign holidays/brand name clothes/etc. It wasn't until I left school and the huge social buffer of grandparents paying school fees disappeared that I realised just how privileged we were compared to many people I met, particularly when I started working minimum wage jobs.

This was with parents who were always emphasising how lucky we were. It's definitely an issue to consider.

My friends sent their son to the local private school, it was a stretch (their income was the same as ours, except i have two children. He did express some seriously snobby things especially at primary age when he didn't really realise how privileged he was - he's a lovely lad now. He's done 3-18 in one school but it's a bigger one, 150 per year, which I think makes a difference.

By contrast mine were state educated but we could afford the extras as not paying school fees (the holidays my friends took were to the grandparents who lived in Spain) eg mine took 2 instruments each, science camps, national children's choir etc.

Just do calculate the extras bill at school, cost of trips etc. make sure you can afford a serious fee hike if they loose charitable status (vat on fees is a real possibility if labour win). Pulling a child out is worse than never starting, far easier to switch to private than the other way.

Best thing you can do is go on some tours and have a look, see what you can do. Private school can be incredible and a great head start for your kid - so if you see a school you like and it ticks all your boxes, then sure! You will get really wealthy people and you will also get people like you. Have a look and make your own minds up.

If you can afford the fees you need to own it and admit to yourself you're one of the wealthy ones.

I would be cautious about an all-through school.
At 2 you cannot possibly tell what will be the best-fit school for your child at 5, 7, 11 or 16. Also, some schools say they are all-through but don't guarantee that a child will automatically progress to each stage. Children can be 'encouraged' to look elsewhere if there are doubts about academic ability, behaviour etc.
Both mine did state primary followed by private secondary which gave them a good grounding. They both kept up with their extra curricular activities that they did with their old friends as well as getting new friends at secondary.

@TheaBrandt

I don't disagree, as I said, private schools by their nature will not be as economically mixed as a state school. Of course. They can however be as mixed or more in other ways (languages, experiences, ethnicities etc)

By their very nature they attract those that can pay by whatever means, or those who have a talent or intelligence to win a funded place. This makes them not an accurate reflection of the entire of society as a whole.

My point is rather that not all private schools are full of incredible wealth and the elite. The problems foreseen by some posters and the OPs friends of elite lifestyles and feeling left out, don't have to be the case at all private schools.

The way to choose a school is not public vs private as a decider.The idea that private outputs a more rounded child simply because you pay fees is absolute BS. Also, a lot of students have parents scraping to afford the fees, so it's a mix.

Choose schools around you, both public and private and compare them. Make decisions based on what school offers what is right for your family.

Our DC go to a state primary and will go to a small private for secondary because he'll will freeze over before I send them to the local high school.

I didn't go to private school, I went to the catholic school which was out of the area, this meant I knew almost no one locally and that wasn't a good thing.

This is an excellent point. Paying for an education doesn’t make it better. What you’re essentially paying for is the prestige and the shiny extra curriculars and facilities. All schools are not created equal - this is true whether it’s a private or a state school. Private schools perpetuate a class divide that does unfortunately still exist, a child coming from a less wealthy home will go through school being keenly aware their family isn’t as well off as their peers.
From an education point of view - seek out schools that consistently achieve good results, provide good pastoral care, has good resources for those with additional educational needs, speak to parents of children attending local schools. Just don’t get too stuck on the idea that private equals better.

They are full of incredible wealth! Anyone that can pay the fees is hugely wealthy in comparison to the general population. There is no arguing with that sorry.

why not move the twin getting the inferior education that you’re haemorrhaging money on?! @ittakes2

Agree. OP have a hard talk to the finance dept if the school. What are the fees now AND the projected year on year compound increase .
look at the total amount from aged 4-18.

do you have the coat of a house in savings ? It’ll be in that ball park , and paying it out of after tax income is a huge stretch for most families.

what about other kids should you have them too ?

A head start in what way? The most accurate predictor of a child’s educational outcomes is how involved their parents are ie how much interest they show in their schooling, how much time is spent encouraging opportunities for learning etc.
Recent figures show that the number of young people achieving top grades at GCSE and A Level in private schools has dropped substantially, particularly compared to other types of school.
Children attending grammar schools are much more likely to achieve higher grades than those at a private school.

I'm fortunate enough to afford private school fees and in fact dc actually attended 2 years at the nursery. I've just notified that dc will attend a state primary that is at the top of the times league table because we moved to the catchment when dc was a baby. I want to save private education for dc's secondary years. The state primary beats any mediocre private school in my opinion. Even though we can afford private right now but the thought of something like covid happening puts fear in me as it nearly wiped us out financially. The fees have gone up to over 8k per term which we can afford but with the add on etc which we can still afford but when Labour Party comes then it puts our business at risk too plus 20% more on fees is where my doubts lies. I'd rather save for secondary years. Everyone's circumstances is different. For us, it's harder to get into state school than private. There's always movement in the private and we can choose that option whenever we feel like it but it's harder to get into a exceptional state school especially when something unexpected happens to your finances or a 20% sudden increase.

I think it really depends on the school @LouisePe. My two DC are at a private prep school, oldest about to go to secondary. Some private schools we've looked at had a 'we're better than others' mentality, which we didn't like. Most don't. You can tell a lot about a school by looking round, meeting the kids and seeing how the head describes it. I think the facilities and opportunities offered are fantastic, but I wouldn't send my kids to somewhere where they were encouraged to look down on people who couldn't afford it.

As others have said, if your child does activities outside of school they will mix with all sorts. I also think your own attitude to people less well off than you is important.

It's good to be able to afford the fees comfortably but there will always be people better off than you wherever you are. My son does occasionally come home with stories like 'so & so's dad has 2 ferraris' but I don't think any of them judge each other on it.

If its not that then it's private 1x1 tuition...

My son does occasionally come home with stories like 'so & so's dad has 2 ferraris' but I don't think any of them judge each other on it.

Schmalex

CarriedOut says In the area I live the way many parents choose to use their (considerable in many cases) wealth/advantage is to purchase in a preferred catchment area for a good state school.

Since there are so many rich people opting for state school, presumably remarks about owning Ferraris are also heard there.

Honestly OP, it is ONLY on MN that I see people talk about knowing adults who were privately educated and being spoon-fed, arrogant, snobby etc.

When I was at school myself, I was part of a large social circle which included many from both state and private. Shockingly enough, none of us had difficulties socialising with each other. As adults, DH and I are part of a group of friends where all of us have degrees and the majority in professional higher level roles but our schooling was a mix between state and private (ranging from DH at local failing state comp to a friend who went to one of the top public schools followed by Cambridge). Funnily enough, we all manage fine as adults, both socially and professionally. Our children are a mix of private and state educated and they also have normal friendships with each other and attend many of the same extra curriculars.

As a PP said, find schools that consistently achieve good results and provide good pastoral care. Parents who are actively engaged in their children's education make all the difference