Private School Kids

[LouisePe]

My son is currently 2 and we are looking into independent schools/nurseries for him. We are definitely not wealthy, more a middle class background and several friends/family have expressed that he would grow up 'out of touch with reality' going to school with wealthy pupils in private schools.

I am wanting him to attend from 4-18 (potentially the same school the whole way through) so am looking for similar experiences- how do you keep your children grounded when surrounded by pupils who are wealthy? Out of school clubs/sports etc? I want to give him this education but also want to raise a well rounded child who understands his privilege and that others aren't always as fortunate.
I'm also unsure about one school the entire way through - has anyone had experiences with this and DC coping ok with not having new friends/transitions from primary to secondary etc?

Sorry for the long post and appreciate any responses! :)

That really doesn’t portray the reality in England. Have a look at this report

https://commonslibrary.parliament.uk/research-briefings/sn01398/

5% of state pupils attend grammar schools. Do you really think that out of the other 95%, none are capable of attending grammar? There just isn’t the opportunity for lots of families. A higher percentage of children attend private schools than grammars - arguably making the grammar system more exclusive than the independent sector.

Out of all grammar pupils, 3% are on free school meals, hugely lower than the national average in the state system. That figure is probably less than private schools, who offer bursaries to disadvantaged families.

It hardly paints a picture of equality and opportunity for all.

DD's both went to private schools prep and secondary. Parents had a certain level of wealth, of course they did, but they were mostly professional classes, not Uber wealthy or entitled. Lots of HCP's, Army, Pilots, Engineers, IT types, Business consultants, Restaurant owners, self employed etc. Lots subbed by grandparents. Some on bursaries and some on scholarships.

Most private schools are not "public" nor boarding, but small academically selective city schools, filled with locals who couldn't get into the local non-selective but well performing state.

Anyone else a complete hypocrite like me.

Fundamentalist I am against private education and think the concept of being able to pay for something that so determines a child’s life - is wrong wrong wrong

But… my child got the opportunity to go private and quite honestly I’d sell my soul to keep them there

My child ren

Fundamentalist I am against private education and think the concept of being able to pay for something that so determines a child’s life - is wrong wrong wrong

Cleoforever You obviously don’t think it’s that wrong.

I do.

but when it comes to my children….

same with so much. Death penalty? I am against it. If it involved my children being harmed very seriously (I can’t even bring myself to write worse than that)… I would kill them myself!

I’m the same @Cleoforever

If I could ban all private schools with immediate effect tomorrow, I would vote for that. They’re wrong on many levels.

However, without the power to do that I have to make the best choices I’m able to for my own children in the here and now. Within the system we are in, and where we live, that probably means private secondary school.

I refuse to actively disadvantage my children on a point of principle by sending them to one of our frankly quite scary local options, when it won’t change anything for anyone else or change anything about the wider system. If every affluent parent joined together to make the same decision at the same time and rejected private school, instead attending, investing and supporting their local school, that might actually change something about the local schools but that won’t ever happen en masse and no one is going to be a lone voice sending their child off to a school that is and will remain shit, when that will affect no one but that child.

What parent who has the money to choose a better option, would say ‘oh no I’m too principled’ and send their child off to have a poor quality education in a frightening environment? They wouldn’t. The real hypocrites are the ones who say they’re against private schools but rather than do the above, spend the same money on moving house to live on the playing field of a nice affluent school full of MC people, while patting themselves on the back about how principled they are for not going private 🙄 It’s exactly the same - everyone just uses the resources they have to do the best they can for their children. I don’t know why people won’t just own that fact, rather than hiding behind their faux principles.

People can call it hypocrisy and perhaps it is but I maintain you can disagree with a system, but still make the choice to participate in that system because it’s the best option available to you at the time.

I am yet to come across anyone who has such strong principles that they have sent their child to a failing school full of knives, rather than moving house or going private, when they have the resources to do so. It’s just that the moving house option is much more palatable to MC lefties than private schools. They don’t want to admit they’re using their financial privilege to buy their child a better education but they are no different to private school parents in that respect so I have no time for their lectures on ethics!

My own two plus two stepkids send to private schools (last one finishing this year). One went to Charterhouse- one of the most expensive boarding schools in the country.
They are all down to earth, well aware of how the world operates, have friends who went to state schools and appreciate their privilege. Two did not go to university and are doing well having worked their way up. One is still in school the other has a good job after uni, though not in the field he studied.
I would have happily have sent mine to state, but my oldest didn't get in to the four nearest schools we applied to because they were all oversubscribed and we didn't live near enough. We could afford private so we chose that rather than the inadequate school offered.
My experience of the four private schools i now is that the families are a real mix, from very wealthy to those who have to make real sacrifices in order to afford it, but most are in between, and are just regular people with jobs like: nurse, builder, IT specialist, accountant and so on.

What parent who has the money to choose a better option, would say ‘oh no I’m too principled’ and send their child off to have a poor quality education in a frightening environment? They wouldn’t.

Plenty on mn do this - there are endless posts along the lines of ‘we could easily afford it since dh and I are Oxbridge graduates and in the top 000.01% of high earners. However we want our children to be aware of their incredible privilege and meet people from all backgrounds. We provide the cultural capital - the private jet awaits for trips to opera in Salzburg, lectures on Noam Chomsky in New York plus Extinction Rebellion activism whenever possible’ etc.

The ones who do this on principles are also the ones who are living in leafy areas where state schools aren’t bad. Or there are grammar schools.

Its easy to have principles and stick with them when the choice you are facing isn’t bad in the first place.

My point exactly. I’m still holding out for the person who had a properly BAD state school option and went with it over private which they could afford. Or moving house.

Oh yes!
So many people move house and chose their new house so they are sure to get to said excellent school.
And of course, prices are when always inflated which means that the children joining are mainly ‘nice children from wealthy families’, aka the type you find at private schools….

My dcs attended private 4-18
However not the same school.
We moved house when eldest was 8 and then youngest both chose GCSEs which were not available at the school that they’d been in since preprep.

Im mentioning this because
Almost all the kids who stayed at the same schools, ( and we re still in touch from 3 schools ) struggled with basics like making friends and putting themselves out there. Especially when starting work / Uni…They hadn’t been in a situation of not knowing anyone since they were 3/4.
Theres been many drop outs and one suicide.

Secondly your query OP
We sent ours as day pupils and only boarding for 6th form.
So they had time to do outside activities . A bit limiting tbh as they went to school on Saturdays but they still made lots of friends locally.

My advice would be to change their school after preprep. Not after prep as lots have exam entry, whereas existing pupils are more likely to get the benefit of the doubt.
To chose a school that doesn’t run on a Saturday for ease of outside clubs.
To allow them to board for 6th form, they are really ready for it then, they love the freedom and really mature and become very independent .
If you’re completely against boarding then go for a school that either doesn’t have boarding at all or has a small boarding ratio, otherwise your kids will feel left out. That’s why ours boarded in the end ( with 95% boarding )

What parent who has the money to choose a better option, would say ‘oh no I’m too principled’ and send their child off to have a poor quality education in a frightening environment?

My parents. And that is why my DC is in a private school.

I think there is a lot of inverse snobbery on mumsnet about private schools. It is much easier to choose state if you have a lovely local primary: not everyone has that option. If you have one child who will remain an only it is also a much easier financial commitment as one child in the early years isn’t that dissimilar to nursery. It tends to become more eye watering when there are two or more. Chances are you’ll have access to great facilities, more extra curricular provision etc.

For what it’s worth, my children are at an affluent village primary and people pick it over the local prep schools. I hope to go private for secondary. I think my children are already in a bubble and have no real understanding that their normal isn’t normal for every child. If that is something that bothers you I think you need to accept that will happen within the prep environment.

I’d also say that 4-18 might not be the right environment for your child all the way through. A lot depends on how good the school actually is and whether it suits your child. Many children seem to be very ready to spread their wings a bit for secondary and if you go for a through school you need to be careful about whether you get any 11 plus support.

Both my children go to private schools, we are also definitely not wealthy. We have to make a number of sacrifices. But this is a choice we have made after a lot of deliberation.

Completely agree. It is a misconception that only wealthy go to private. It is just the matter of priorities.

I would say send him to state school in infant and junior and maybe private for senior.
Mine went to state for infant and junior. Had good understanding of "real" life and we spent money on clubs and activities. Both went private for seniors. Both had a good time. Very few snobby kids and the parents mainly down to earth and lovely. Local senior here is a super school and massive. We just couldn't see how they would cope. Best choice for our kids.
No one knew they were on bursary and scholarships.

If you are able to afford school fees you are wealthy though!!! You may think you are not in comparison to the super rich but if you can find those fees out of taxed income you are wealthy in comparison to the general population. It rather proves the “living in a bubble” accusations I’m afraid!

I had clients who recently genuinely explained that their estate was “very small” as it was only two million. They moved in very wealthy circles so to them that was the truth as in comparison to their peers they didn’t have much.

I'd totally agree with this! My two sons are privately educated and some of the comments on this thread don't resonate with me at all. There are three classes per year at my sons school so a very wide variety of kids to play with. It's a very diverse school.

With regards to your actual question I have to admit to sharing some of the same concerns. My two sons do activities out of school to mix with kids who aren't in the same school. We talk to them regularly about people who are less privileged than them. The school regularly has people from various charities in to talk about the work they do and they have very regular charity days where the kids themselves plan money raising activities and games to raise money for a chosen charity.

No they aren't going to experience what it's like to struggle financially and for that I'm exceptionally grateful as I came from a very different childhood as did my husband. But all we can do is try to install good morals and ethics into them from a young age which I think (I hope) we are doing.

I do not agree that there are children from all walks of life at private school. I live near some housing association flats and will put good money on no children who live there being able to access private school. Even if they go a 100% bursary for their whole school career most private schools around here are in the countryside and there'd be no way of the parents being able to get them there.

There may be a range of people who attend private school but don't pretend that there are people from all walks of life as there will always be those who it is not available to.

I got a full scholarship to a private school and agree with this. I was thd only person in my year group on a scholarship and everyone else had wealthy parents. My parents couldn't afford to send me on the school trips. I didn't have the nice shoes and bags the other students had. I felt uncomfortable and remember lying about my parent's jobs to other children when I was about 12. Equally some of my best depends are the parents of those wealthy children and to be honest, whilst I wouldn't send my own to a private school, the issues I had there weren't due to 'private school kids'. It was the level of shitty education I got.

*friends

Our is similar with very few wealthy parent.... weirdly a very high proportion of the parents are teachers in the state sector.... our fees are substantial but with both parents working are just about affordable.... so £1k per month.... which I know is beyond the reach of most but our mortgage is low at less than £400 as we live in a cheap part of the country and DS gets the local bus into town (15 miles)
He then does local sports etc and that's where he met his best friend whose parents are on benefits. A high proportion of the kids are on bursaries or even council supported as the school also has ALN provision

@DedicatedFollowerOfFashion84 I understand what you are saying that a child who has less money will be aware of it, but wouldn't this be the case in any school?