Private School Kids

[LouisePe]

My son is currently 2 and we are looking into independent schools/nurseries for him. We are definitely not wealthy, more a middle class background and several friends/family have expressed that he would grow up 'out of touch with reality' going to school with wealthy pupils in private schools.

I am wanting him to attend from 4-18 (potentially the same school the whole way through) so am looking for similar experiences- how do you keep your children grounded when surrounded by pupils who are wealthy? Out of school clubs/sports etc? I want to give him this education but also want to raise a well rounded child who understands his privilege and that others aren't always as fortunate.
I'm also unsure about one school the entire way through - has anyone had experiences with this and DC coping ok with not having new friends/transitions from primary to secondary etc?

Sorry for the long post and appreciate any responses! :)

Sorry but this sounds like awful inverse snobbery. Imagine the situation reversed and your child was going to the local state school. Your friends expressed concerns that he would grow up without aspiration and he wouldn’t end up all rounded if he didn’t take the private school route.

there are arseholes in state schools and arseholes in private schools. Don’t make this a class issue. It’s not like the parents of private school children don’t share your own goals for well rounded, grounded, polite and grateful children.

@Emanresu9 Thanks so much for replying! Just to clear up - I absolutely do not think these things of privately educated pupils, just new to the system and taken aback by friends/families comments when I mentioned looking into private education. I grew up in a home definitely unable to afford to even consider private and just wanting the best for my son!

I think private school is a really foolish choice if you are not loaded. It impoverishes the family and you risk a change in circs forcing an unwanted educational change. He'll be one of the poorer kid at school and the money-based pressure can be intense because the culture is more money-focused.

I personally also didn't want my kids in a private school for social reasons, having been to both state and private myself.

I agree with the concerns you raise re. one school from age 4, a lot of private schools are claustrophobic and kids can be socially stifled due to the small size.

very odd thread OP

Have you looked in to the fees?

“definitely not wealthy” and yet hoping to privately educate your child 4-18?

optimistic!

several friends/family have expressed that he would grow up 'out of touch with reality' going to school with wealthy pupils in private schools IMO what this is code for is 'I don't think private schools are somewhere I would want to send my kids but I don't feel comfortable saying it directly'.

Private schools are anachronistic places. They are socially exclusive places, obviously, at a time when society is moving towards social inclusivity.

Plenty of people genuinely don't want their kids educated in that narrow subculture. They deploy their advantage by seeking good state catchments instead.

You need to think carefully about what you are paying for and why.

Do you want a better quality of education? (you won't necessarily get this, especially at primary).

Do you want to buy into the network of private?

Do you suspect a DC wirh additional needs that will benefit from smaller classes in private?

Are you aiming for very selective private or a cheaper local private school?

All I will say having raised two children to 23 and 17 now is don't underestimate how much you actually spend on them even if you don't pay private school fees. School is not everything and as a family you also need to be able to afford family time. Holidays, school trips, their gadgets!

@Cleoforever apologies, it was not my intention to be odd.
I have looked into the fees and we could afford them as DS is and will be an only child, I more meant we do not have the level of wealth of some of the other families who may attend.

“Definitely not wealthy”

fees for secondary age tens of thousands of pounds a year. After tax.

you are either underplaying your financial situation or you won’t be able to afford £30k plus a year (and that’s without VAT. But we all know what will happen when labour het in….)

There's a range of social-economic situations at our school. Some very wealthy, some who live modestly to afford the fees and some on bursaries. I'd say most people are comfortably off but not uber wealthy. Our school is also very ethnically diverse.

My kids play sport for local clubs where they meet kids from a range of backgrounds. We tend to have an adult perspective on wealth but kids take other kids at face value and I don't think it's a factor for them.

Don't get sucked into some of the usual stereotypes about private school kids being snobby and arrogant. The ones I know aren't and school cracks down on any bad attitudes very quickly.

Thanks so much for your reply! This is the sort of answer I was hoping for, I initially was very happy with the decisions we were making for my son but these comments stereotyping private pupils as all the same made me a bit nervy.
I'm mainly considering private as our local schools are very over subscribed, cramped for space and don't offer much in the way of extra curriculars, whereas our local private seems to offer all of this plus the wraparound care we will need at times.

DS's fiancée attended public school and comes from a wealthy family. We're probably seen as fairly middle class but her family is much wealthier than ours and she has a trust fund. She says she wouldn't educate any DC they may have privately. She hated the snobbery of it all, saying that it would have been awful if you were seen to be a 'poor' pupil.
This may just be her personal opinion but I've read the same thing several times on here too. DS and her could easily send their DC private so it's not said because it isn't an option for their prospective DC.
My other DS's closest friend attended the same school and has said the same when I asked. I wouldn't scrape and sacrifice to send DC there when it seems you're showing them a world they can never truly fit in.

If I were you, I'd move to the catchment of a good state school.

Do you have the fees for 14 years of schooling sitting in savings at the moment, or would you be gambling on no job losses, illnesses, etc for the next 14 years to fund it as you go?

Its not only paying for the school, its all the extras too. Then there's keeping up with the lifestyle so that your child fits in socially.

I think the private school world is pretty insular by nature (I mean, the clue is in the name). All the privately educated kids I know do nothing much outside of school because all the clubs etc are included and they’re at school 7-6 generally. So pretty exclusive (that’s not a good thing in my book) and just always with the same kids.

She hated the snobbery of it all, saying that it would have been awful if you were seen to be a 'poor' pupil.

Funnily enough, my kids don't know who has a bursary. May partly be a secondary school difference as kids don't always go round to each other's houses.

If I had to define what makes the kids the most popular at our school, it's probably being good at sport or being amusing company. Wealth isn't a factor and there's no 'poor' tag.

The only comment I've ever heard was from younger prep school days when one of the kids went to a friend's house and said his kitchen was much smaller than theirs. But more as a factual throwaway statement than trying to point score.

Also, all-through 4-18 sounds very optimistic. What if there are some real shits in his class? Very small social pool in private schools.

Yes exactly. It is a deliberately socially exclusive world. This is never talked about as a downside but it really is. Especially as workplaces are moving in the opposite direction.

To be fair the fees for private school vary widely across the country and aren't all 'tens of thousands'. Where I am you're looking at £12k a year for top performing schools. We're planning to send ours for final years of primary and secondary. We're not 'wealthy' but also not struggling so it is affordable with some sacrifices that we're willing to make. We've never been an extravagant family anyway so we're happy to carry on in that way.
I haven't even considered that they wouldn't grow up 'grounded'. I'm state school educated and DH private at a very exclusive boys school and he's not (thankfully) a privileged twat! I'm a total leftie to be honest so my kids are made very aware of their privilege.

Firstly there is a big spectrum of private schools. There are the big name ones through to the 'local' ones. Some offer more bursaries. The ethos will be different at different schools, so find one you like.

Secondly entitlement is a lot about parenting. I believe you can still bring your children up to have an understanding of their privilege and the value of money even if you have more of it. Just going to a state school doesn't magically make you appreciative of what you have. That's not to say it's easy of course, and harder in teenage years when peers may be spending much larger sums of money and you have to navigate through that.

"I'm a total leftie to be honest" says the woman planning to privately educate her children.

It's the extras that really kill you if you're not wealthy. You know things like trips abroad and so on.

I went to the most dreadful school. It was awful in all sorts of ways. However, in my professional career, an ability to be a self-starter and to be almost unshockable has been nothing but an advantage.

I did send one of my sons to a private school. Some of the teaching was decidedly patchy and most of the children were quite horrible and downright malicious. My son chose to leave and went to the local school. He made friends there which he still has. He's a fourth year medical student now. I am nothing but pleased that I used the money to support his medical studies rather than in private school fees.

I can tell you that you can get an awful lot of private tutoring for a fraction of the cost of a private school.

I think parental input is the most important factor. Reading books, discussing news items, supervising homework etc. My youngest who was ADHD, and did struggle more with school, had to bring a news item relating to current affairs to discuss at dinner. I sat watching foreign films with him to help with the language. I taught him the chemistry syllabus with the aid of some cram books and drawing on my long ago school days with lashing of internet sites. I taught him about the valence structure of hydrogen by showing him a clip of the Hindenburg disaster which was a hydrogen powered airship. He passed his exams as a result of this sort of input. A colleague who sent her child to a private school at the same time, a boy who was also ADHD, was dealing with three hours of homework every night which was a nightmare.

My kids go to a private school and we are not wealthy. My ex pays the fees and I pay everything else. I have never struggled to afford trips or extra curricular expenses. I earn a very average salary.
There's a massive range of kids from different financial backgrounds. There's a misconception that everyone is rich. Yes, some people are wealthy, but loads of people have kids there because they make sacrifices, and some kids are on scholarships or bursaries.

I think it depends which school really. At my kids private school not everyone is super wealthy at all. Some people have just chosen to spend their money sending their kids there but love in small houses/ drive old cars. It's a real.mix and no one cares at all. The Kids dont worry about it.

Also I know they might still be relatively well off to have the choice, but what I mean is it's not all Lamborghinis and second homes

We applied to several schools and catchment school was an half hour away despite a school being round the corner. We toured the school. The class size was 90 children. My oldest is very bright. I asked if they would help him no that's not something we do. He flew through nursery and had already completed reception level work by the time he left.

So yes they are good catchment schools. You can't always get them. What's wrong with wanting to explore other possibilities.

Also they don't have a narrow social life. They do plenty of after school activities as well as knowing everyone in the school. They go to parties and play dates. They have flourished In private school and they are both now achieving over what they are supposed to be

I think you need to revaluate your belief system