Uni Student DDs bombshell

[cantdecidewhattodo123]

Looking for some perspective please, DD 21 & 23 are at Uni ( not in UK) . They live in a flat together owned by me and I pay for bills, fees and weekly allowance. So fairly cushy number and they can concentrate on study. Told me this week that in fact they failed exams years ago, have transferred to different courses/Uni and have been hiding it for years. They have cratered their education and wasted years but with hard work can still recover. But I am shocked - it’s so immature, like they believe it’s not important or can work out somehow magically. And they have taken money from me (that Ican afford) under false pretenses which I think is dishonest. They blame me for their failure which I know is just lashing out. I am really worried but what to do to help them?
If I stop supporting them to force them to face reality they may end up homeless or in trouble/debt and will probably drop out. But if I continue with status quo they can continue to lie, delude themselves this is somehow okay and may never get a qualification or a job. Any advice gratefully received!

Are they both still at uni? Can they pull this back?
If not then maybe just pay for the flat and they will have to get a job if they want to eat.

Thanks- if they study hard they can do it - but how likely is this given the past? I don’t want to make life miserable but they can’t continue like this.

I’d tell them to move out. They’ve been handed everything on a plate and clearly don’t value it.

It’s really not about me but I feel so used . I have given them too much I think and they don’t see it

What’s the timeline here? You talk about wasting years but can’t be that long surely?

How far into uni are they now?
Do they have student loans? If not, it's time for them to shoulder cost.

Boot them out. They’ve been pandered to, for too long. They’ve taken advantage of you and have no appreciation of what you’ve given them.

They have spent 4 and 3 years respectively without getting past 1st year of their degrees. Covid was hard but they just haven’t studied enough to pass the necessary exams

if I really stop supporting them- I am worried they would get into trouble- debt or worse and totally wreck their futures. Maybe they will anyway . There are no loans where we live ( or high fees), I think they just don’t want to study or work but that’s life! I can’t support them forever

Are you sure they are now telling you the real facts?

You say they have transferred universities, but that would only give them one year’s grace each. Where have the other years come from?

That is years of deceit.

it is calculated and sustained.

they have had immense support - and they have abused it.

time for them to stand on their own two feet and stop being spongers

They are clearly just freeloading and will continue to do so as long as you let them.

They still have to pass their first years?!

Op they have lied to you on a constant basis, spent money you gave them on god knows what and just treated you appallingly.

I would give them say 3 months notice (being generous here) and then remove all financial support. You must be so disappointed in their behaviour.

One year I can kind of understand. It's more common than you might imagine.
Multiple years I would find hard to forgive.
Agree with others. Time to pull the plug. They need to get jobs and stand on their own two feet.

they managed to spin it out by skipping exams due to Covid and transferring courses within the original Uni. I don’t think they intended to do it but it’s an awful position to have wasted so much time and their self esteem is on the floor now as well

TBH if they've still not managed to pass their first year (usually the easiest to pass, at least in the UK although it may be different where you are) it seems unlikely they'll be able to get through the rest of the course. How are they paying their course fees, or has the funding for the run out & this is why they've told you now? In the UK AFAIK it's a maximum of 4 years funding for a 3 year degree.

How are they blaming you? On what basis?

They blame me for their failure which I know is just lashing out.
This is the kicker for me. If they were genuinely contrite, had a plan to make amends, had some evidence they were now trying their hardest ... but instead it's your fault.

They've abused your generosity, I wonder what's prompted them to admit this to you now? Presumably they thought you were going to find out (not least when they don't graduate next summer!)

I think I would pull the plug on this. It's not like they're in their final year, they're basically just cycling over and over year 1. Are either of them even in year 2 yet, or are they just repeating year 1 for the fourth or fifth time?

I don't think I'd even let them keep the flat, they could maybe move home for a period of time whilst they look for work and decide what they are going to do next. University clearly isn't for them, they need to work out what is and get earning.

Sorry they have been so ungrateful. When you think of how some students struggle to get themselves through uni, and how parents struggle to help them out, they should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

I'd be really, really upset if either of my daughters had been going through something like that and had felt unable to come to me about it.

If they haven't got past the first year after several years of attempts you and they have to be realistic - it's not going to happen. Stop flogging a dead horse. They need to quit and get jobs.

The fees are minimal and I have paid these so far . They were both academic in school. I just don’t think they want to work anymore and Uni requires work

Nothing better for self esteem than earning your own cash.

How did this come out? Was it voluntarily? It’s so strange. What have they been doing? Can they get a job?

You don’t have to make instant decisions, but it’s long term deceit and you said they say it’s your fault! Didn’t sound very contrite! Where is their father in this? Did anyone else know?

So many questions for such a strange situation.

Yes- they seem to live in a fantasy Instagram world where money is always there. I am really worried about their mental state and how they are going to recover from this

I think I would be tempted to fly over unannounced and turn up on their doorstep in the next few days to see what is really going on here. Find out what they're spending their money on and doing with their time and take it from there. Find out what work has been submitted etc. If either of mine had done this I would have been absolutely furious. Quite what you do next, well that depends on them to a certain extent, but I think paying them an unexpected visit will be enlightening for you and may help you decide what the next steps should be.