Uni Student DDs bombshell

[cantdecidewhattodo123]

Looking for some perspective please, DD 21 & 23 are at Uni ( not in UK) . They live in a flat together owned by me and I pay for bills, fees and weekly allowance. So fairly cushy number and they can concentrate on study. Told me this week that in fact they failed exams years ago, have transferred to different courses/Uni and have been hiding it for years. They have cratered their education and wasted years but with hard work can still recover. But I am shocked - it’s so immature, like they believe it’s not important or can work out somehow magically. And they have taken money from me (that Ican afford) under false pretenses which I think is dishonest. They blame me for their failure which I know is just lashing out. I am really worried but what to do to help them?
If I stop supporting them to force them to face reality they may end up homeless or in trouble/debt and will probably drop out. But if I continue with status quo they can continue to lie, delude themselves this is somehow okay and may never get a qualification or a job. Any advice gratefully received!

They have some sort of qualification, surely, if they're at Uni?
Pull the plug. They will cope.

Your kindness is their undoing. It is suffocating their drive and motivation to work hard when they think the bank of parent is the fall back. You need to withdraw funds to give them a taste of the real world. You are setting them up to fail in their adult lives by sponsoring them so they can do what they like. If you continue to sponsor after failure, it sends a message that it doesn't matter if they lie. I left home for Uni. at 18 and had many jobs in my Uni. years. In fact I had many jobs as a teenager since there was no pocket money. Your kids lied to you, and they don't respect you because they think you will bail them out no matter what. Drifting as they are, they could end up in all sorts of bother with cocklodgers, drug, gambling and alcohol habits and all the usual that goes with not having to work hard for anything in life. You are spoiling that motivation to work hard, to save and to make-do and mend that drives successful people. Tell them you want the property back to sell, and do not have them back home unless they have jobs and have recovered their education. It is the kindest thing you could ever do for them.

They've both managed to fail their first yr? Have they been having a competition to see who can get the lowest grades?

They're obviously not motivated to work as you'll give them everything they want. Time to start dialing back and for them to stand on thier own two feet.

Bloody hell, 4 and 3 years. They are seriously taking the piss. Cut off the gravy train now. They have no intention of finishing their degrees, that much is obvious.
I had to put myself through uni without any help at all as a single mum with a child at home and a mortgage and had to work every single weekend and holiday to make ends meet. When I got my degree I was proud of myself for making it.
These two couldn't care less about getting a degree and have no idea of the value of money.

Time for them to move home I think, the mummy funded pretending to be an adult fantasy is over. I’d make it clear that this was due to the lies, and I felt they had deceived and stolen from me, that I would have supported them if they were struggling through first year but you cannot support or fund the lies. They have 2 months to vacate the flat and are welcome to move home where we can put that all behind us and start again although on a more equal basis where they do housework and cook. They will need to find a job.

I'm a bit gobsmacked at this. You've paid for everything, giving them a sense of entitlement and not having to take any responsibility for themselves. So I would say it is your fault they've turned out so selfish and deceitful, but not your fault they've failed academically. Perhaps going out in the real world, having to stand on their own 2 feet and be answerable to an employer would be a good remedy.

With most normal people struggling to even pay the bills let alone actually do what they want in life with no responsibility or concern, I just think they're disgraceful really and would be (and am) appalled.

If they can't pass much more than a first year of a degree in those circumstances (no stress, no job needed to pay rent, ample provision for extra support such as tutors or resources) and can't be bothered to then I'd not have thought there's much hope for a decent degree ever being obtained, or any job being held down either. The deception of it and deliberately colluding is very hurtful OP, I imagine, whether you can afford it or not.

I appreciate some people are well off and live very different lives but morals and self respect surely are somewhat universal. I'd be wanting evidence of modules passed and attendance (or a job being sought) to continue paying, and would be sitting down with them expecting to hear an apology and their plan.

Me - Parents were on average incomes when I was growing up, or at least the majority of that time. I had part time jobs from age of 11 and then left home at 18. Been working and paying my own way ever since, have my own home and support my family and that’s the way I like it.

Sister - substantially younger than me. I was 16 when she was born, and my father’s business was just starting to boom. My parents acquired a lot of wealth when she was young and thus she grew up with everything she wanted. She has since spent all of her adult years directionless, flitting through various uni courses of no relation to each other and only moved out of the family home when she was 29 - ironically into a property owned by the family. She has zero work ethic and has left every job she’s ever had, usually over absolutely minor things. And she still gets handouts and her car paid for.

My point is - if you cushion your children too much and provide everything, then there is no financial risk in their lives. Thus they see no problem at all with wafting through life and failing at various things because they will never worry - or even think to worry - about how to pay for food, or a mortgage/rent, or how they will live a comfortable life. They are already living a comfortable life with virtually no effort required on their part, and their attitude towards you only serves to reinforce the clear fact that they obviously don’t appreciate the value of anything.

Its not too late to teach them some harsh life lessons, but to do so you’re going to have to go against your nature and resort to tough love. You will ultimately be doing them a favour even if it may not feel like it.

I was just going to say similar. I’m afraid you’ve been paying for several years of partying.
You could say they both have 6 months to catch up. Yes, that’s probably too short a time but if you give them longer I think they’ll just live in never never time.
Or you say they both get jobs. They can live rent free for 6 months but will pay all other bills then start to pay rent after 6 months.
If you don’t have to live in the real world of working and paying your way then it’s easy to just do nothing. I’m afraid you made it to easy for them to do just that ( but at least it’s retrievable — no one died, they’re not criminals— just enjoyed an easy life a bit too much)

I’m also in a country where uni is free, you even get a grant to go. This is about trust, not money. They’ve both fooled you, and they do need a hard lesson for that. What you do now will be extremely important. Eventually they might become mothers themselves, and need to know how important trust in a relationship is. Don’t be a doormat, it won’t help them. This is not about money.

I can understand failing a year or dropping out etc for one DD - studying and Uni life isn’t for everyone. But, for both to be colluding together behind your back for a considerable amount of time is shocking. I’d feel hurt, betrayed and furious.

After this length of time they‘re not going to graduate so need to get jobs and begin to stand on their own two feet.

OP - sympathies. You need to tell how they explain all this!

Just because you can afford it doesn’t mean you have to. They know they can have an easy life and you have provided that. Put the flat up for rent/sale tell them to get student loans and jobs like everyone else. They will learn.

What country are you in OP?

A person who I knew a long time ago (decades) told me that in their home country pretty much anyone could go to university and study in the 1st year, but the actual gateway to higher education was passing the first year exams and the pass mark would be set each year to only allow a manageable capacity of students into year 2 (say the top 100). Did your DDs have to get good grades on leaving school in order to be accepted onto the original course?

I’d be devastated at the lying and deception. They blame you? Like hell is it your fault!
You want them to continue their education so I’d move them to halls of residence (they don’t deserve the privilege of the nice flat), rent your flat to someone else, continue paying for essential costs but no fun allowance.

Your kids basically have no work ethic, it’s not good entering adult life without basic important life skills. The fact that they blame you shows that they are not as mature as they should be comparing to an average adult their age.

We went through this exact same scenario.
When found out, DD was made to come home, sign on, get any job to tide her over and after being given a lucky break with a bottom rung job in marketing (after about a year doing menial jobs) is now earning just under £40k age 25 in a different industry.

She just really didn’t know what she wanted to do, and the job she does now we hadn’t even heard of 7 years ago 😄. She couldn’t really see the point of further study and is happy working and earning.

We were also worried about her mental health and kept an eye on this. DH found it harder to deal with than me but I just treated it all as a fresh start and drew a line under it all. Her uni debts are her problem. This was absolutely the best way of dealing with it for her.

As others have said, I'd meet with them individually this weekend. I'd take personal calculations of what I'd shelled out per person, and what that could have meant for you, and the things you'd like to achieve for yourself. How many hours of your work has it taken to give that?

For me it would be the deceit that would hurt most and that they'd been pushed into telling it now. But we've all be in situations where it has been hard to tell the truth and like others, I would want them to know they can always tell me the truth and have a barebones fallback. But I'd want now to separate out me the mum, whose work is done, and me the individual, who could have found other things to do with her cash, is outraged and needs contrition and trust rebuilding for several years.

It’s so weird how you refer to your two daughters as ‘they’ - it’s like they are the same person making the same mistakes in unison… maybe your two girls aren’t very good for each other and need time to find themselves apart

What a pair of lazy, entitled liars. Disgraceful. My parents would have had my hide for something like this!

I've told this story on here before, but DS had us rock up to his graduation, spend the night in a hotel, dress up in our finery and told us on the morning of the event as we were leaving the hotel that he had long since failed and stopped attending. The shock was unbelievable. All his friends that we had been socialising with the night before already knew of course.
On the positive side, he retook the final year and did eventually pass.

So, if they've not even passed their first year, the eldest could be late 20s by the time she graduates.

“You two do not know how good you have it. Unless you sort your shit out and begin working hard towards these degrees, I will be withdrawing all support. No flat, no money. Nothing. You can support yourselves. Perhaps then you will appreciate what you’ve got and what you’re wasting.”

Your children need a taste of reality because they live in la la land where people spend their time posting selfies on instagram and money grows in the trees. By making life so easy for them you have enabled that behaviour in a way. If they want to continue studying the have to apply for a student loan and get a part time job, otherwise they need to get a full time job, maybe share an apartment with roommates just like the rest of us common mortals did at their age. Living with your brother in some cozy apartment rented by mum is not normal. They may hate you for "closing the financial tap", but the other option is your children grow up to be highly dysfunctional adults with little grasp of reality.

@antipodeancanary what a terrible, terrible experience that must have been for you. How on earth did he not stop you sooner? Was he not able to say, or did he just not imagine how much worse it would be to hear on the morning after the celebrations of the night before.

Wow. I'd be absolutely devastated if my kids had lied to me for 4 years and, by the sounds of it, pissed your money up the wall. I'm sorry, OP but your daughters sound very self obsessed, entitled and disrespectful. You've made life far too easy for them. If it were me, I'd be putting a stop to their allowances, pay the bare minimum of bills and tell them if they haven't bucked their ideas up within 3 months they're on their own.