Uni Student DDs bombshell

[cantdecidewhattodo123]

Looking for some perspective please, DD 21 & 23 are at Uni ( not in UK) . They live in a flat together owned by me and I pay for bills, fees and weekly allowance. So fairly cushy number and they can concentrate on study. Told me this week that in fact they failed exams years ago, have transferred to different courses/Uni and have been hiding it for years. They have cratered their education and wasted years but with hard work can still recover. But I am shocked - it’s so immature, like they believe it’s not important or can work out somehow magically. And they have taken money from me (that Ican afford) under false pretenses which I think is dishonest. They blame me for their failure which I know is just lashing out. I am really worried but what to do to help them?
If I stop supporting them to force them to face reality they may end up homeless or in trouble/debt and will probably drop out. But if I continue with status quo they can continue to lie, delude themselves this is somehow okay and may never get a qualification or a job. Any advice gratefully received!

It sounds like they haven’t valued it or taken it seriously because they’re spoilt, you’ve just handed everything to them. Do they have part time jobs like most students? I worked hard at Uni academically and in a 20 hr a week job as I had to pay rent and eat, it taught me how to be responsible for myself.

Fellow students I knew whose parents paid fees and accommodation: gave them a credit card were very immature, partied all the time and didn’t get good grades.

You're going to have to be cruel to be kind. Let them stand on their feet a bit more. I mean they're not even children but you treat them like they are. They will never grow up if they don't know the value of money. They've had it far too easy all these years and have taken it for granted. You could tell them that your earnings might be going down and you don't know how much longer you can afford their rent. It will make them think. Also tell them they have been lucky to have got this far with your help because most other kids don't get the help you have given them. Let it sink in. They've been so ungrateful.

Sounds like no matter what, you still want them both to complete a degree course.

I don’t think I could forgive so many years of lying. I understand you have high expectations BUT in a country where there is a 50% failure rate in year 1, how would that be so devastating to have to lie about it when every other person fails.

Multiple failures at year 1 would just make me want to say to both of them you’re not cut out for university and to get a job.

And for them to blame you, well I’m not sure about mental health problems, I’m thinking entitlement, laziness and not giving a shit about their own family they’re lying to.

Good luck.

It sounds like you've done too much for them as they've been given such an easy ride and have taken advantage of you. Perhaps it's time for some tough love. As a parent it's part of your job to enable them to stand on their own two feet in a proper manner.

Give them notice to quit - and mean it. They will have to find work - like the rest of the population. If they've been cunning enough to behave as they have it can't be beyond them to support themselves.

They will not stop taking money off you unless you stop enabling this behaviour now. I've seen this kind of situation escalate with friends who can't say 'no' to their children and it never improves; you'll just get more stressed as the years move on. Tell them to come out of education and get full time jobs. Perhaps help with finance for a limited time until they get jobs, but you will regret it if you allow this situation to continue. It's hard to let go but you must for all of your sakes.

To me it sounds like they both need to call it a day at university and get out there applying for jobs

If you wanted you could continue to let them stay in the flat for free while they get sorted

Once they have jobs they need to start paying rent even if a token amount

Once this and utility bills kick in they'll certainly realise how utterly cushy they've had it til now...welcome to the real world!

It's the blaming you for their failure that would make me mad!

This with capital letters.

There must be professional student advisors at uni who sort out student problems
See them, they see this stuff every day

You’ve given them a cushy life and they’ve taken advantage - sign them up for apprenticeships and get them paying you some rent

I'd be springing on them unannounced. End of. You might not like what you find when you get there, but for sure things ain't going to get sorted out while you're sitting here wondering what's happening without seeing it for yourself. If you want them to learn about taking responsibility for themselves, you have to take some responsibility yourself first. Also, as a parent to a teen at University, those fees are NOT minimal. My daughter will be seeing herself towards around £60K of debt by the end of three years, factoring in fees and accommodation. You/your daughters are lucky you haven't come across her, she'd be giving you all good piece of her mind! If that sort of money is "minimal" to you, and you've told them as such, no wonder they haven't learnt the value of such things. At that age too much money just gets frittered on all sorts of crap.

Coming back to this situation it occurs to me that the real issue is that you need them more than they need you. It seems to be a case of passive aggression. The relationship needs to be reset. They need to get out in the world and mature. Birds must leave the nest and you have to push them if they won’t go.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Does any university allow you to repeat 4 times over though, the same yr? my guess is they're not at university at all? @OP this is so hard but I agree with what others have said that it's time to show some tough love so they can fly.

@Kellnic if you read the thread you'll find out that they're at university in Switzerland, where university is close to free.

Flog em

This is the trouble with some courses in Europe. They allow you to defer coursework and repeat years. I had a friend who took years over his degree. Although, if it's any consolation, he did finish. Cost his parents a lot of money though.

If your preference is for them to finish, find out how much longer they have on the course and tell them you'll only support them for that time - no more repeating years.

Sounds like Covid had a lot to do with it. They really di DWF n't cope with studying in isolation. It's as re ASA l pity they didn't tell you and get help sooner.

This with bells on. What looks like support to you can feel like crushing expectations to them and theyre desperately trying to live up to it. Your language is quite telling of this. Step back and let them find their own paths, with all your love and emotional support

I think hunk they may have missed the boat on the apprenticeship route in Switzerland.

Switzerland is very different from U.K. at uni level. In England, competitive universities insist on high entrance grades before admission and failure rate/drop out rate is low.
In Switzerland, if you pass the Swiss baccalaureate most unis and courses are open to you and it is left to the students to ensure they are capable enough for the particular course or even the language! Some unis like ETH is different and so are many med courses.

I know someone who has been studying at a Swiss uni for 15 years and still no bachelor…
What are your children’s language skills like? Are they completely fluent? Is it a bilingual or German/French taught course? Is there an English component etc. I would get to the bottom of what they are finding so hard.
If they are fluent English speakers U.K. uni might be a better fit.

i asked my Swiss friend if her son was going to University and she looked at me as if I had two heads. She/he didn’t think it was a good idea at all so he went down the road of an apprenticeship and is now very well set up in work and life.

Its a very good way of doing things.

They are taking the piss, they knew you would pay for everything and let them get away with it. I would assume they have always been entitled/looked after and do not really know/care the consequences.
You need to cut the purse strings, at that age they should be capable of looking after themselves.
Being a parent is about giving your children the skills to survive in the world, not paying for everything for them.