Uni Student DDs bombshell

[cantdecidewhattodo123]

Looking for some perspective please, DD 21 & 23 are at Uni ( not in UK) . They live in a flat together owned by me and I pay for bills, fees and weekly allowance. So fairly cushy number and they can concentrate on study. Told me this week that in fact they failed exams years ago, have transferred to different courses/Uni and have been hiding it for years. They have cratered their education and wasted years but with hard work can still recover. But I am shocked - it’s so immature, like they believe it’s not important or can work out somehow magically. And they have taken money from me (that Ican afford) under false pretenses which I think is dishonest. They blame me for their failure which I know is just lashing out. I am really worried but what to do to help them?
If I stop supporting them to force them to face reality they may end up homeless or in trouble/debt and will probably drop out. But if I continue with status quo they can continue to lie, delude themselves this is somehow okay and may never get a qualification or a job. Any advice gratefully received!

They need to get jobs now. Or they will expect someone else or the state (i.e. Swiss taxpayer) to pay for them indefinitely. Do they never consider they are abusing the system of free education?

First I think the OP has been more than generous.

I'd be more upset about the breach of trust.

I'd be removing the flat and getting them back under my roof where I can keep an eye on them if I'm funding any part of their life.

That for me is the ultimatum. Come home under my roof let me see the uni work being done etc if you want my money.

OP do they really want to do a degree or is it more you want them to do one?

Either-Way time for them to get in the real world.

I do however find it interesting the OP refers consistently to them as they, their etc. No splitting the differences and no individualism. Interesting.

They are still young. It was wrong but at the end of the day they are your daughters. I would ask them what they want to do. If continue, they will have to show you the grades going forward and the expectations would have to be quite high.

Are you not interested in how these young women have actually been spending their time? Not studying. Not earning a wage. Oh no. They've been partying, drinking, doing drugs, sleeping around, watching TV, gaming, hanging out on social media, eating out, shopping, going on holiday. All while telling constant lies to keep the gravy train going. For years.

Reading some of the indulgent responses here, I suddenly have a very clear idea of how the utter bleeps who govern the UK were created.

Get some steel in your spine OP. Your daughters disrespect, manipulate, exploit and deceive you, as a matter of routine. Can you imagine how they treat others, who provide no benefit to them at all?

Damn I wouldn't even know where to start but my trust would be absolutely shattered. I like some of the middle ground suggestions. Like the suggestion of giving 3 months notice and then paying just the rent but leaving the rest of the bills and food up to them to figure out. That seems reasonable. Whether they intended to deceive you or not no longer matters at this point. They had a very cushy life and they squandered it for years and kept it secret. It's time for them to put on their big girl panties and start taking care of themselves. If they still want to get a higher education they'll have to work hard just like everyone else for it without mommy helping them out.

Sell the flat and give them half??????
No.....they have defrauded, lied and cheated you.
One month to get out and have a plan (that they sort, not you!) before you rent out or sell the flat
Then they are on their own two feet and will be forced to support themselves.
They work, they eat/rent/rebuild their lives.
They refuse to work? Then they will have to learn a very hard lesson.

Which country are they in?

Switzerland

Honestly?? They're going to recover by stepping out of their cash fuelled fantasy bubble, paid for by you, and getting jobs. Yes, they might get into debt, leave them to it. Stop running to pay for everything just in case real life hurts them, they are grown Women. Nobody ever died from working and paying their own way. It might even give them a long awaited sense of achievement and pride.

You poor thing, I would be livid at the deception.
Meet them and see how long they've got until they finish their degrees.
I'd pay the rent until they finish, but tell them they have to get jobs for the rest of their expenses.
If they say they can't work and study at the same time I really think I'd tell them to pull the plug on the study because they don't seem serious about it.
For reference, both my children took a while to work out jobs and study and finish study and start professional work until they were 24 and 26, but I wasn't bank rolling them.

youve created two beasts.

You have done your very best for your daughters;they didn’t have to worry about finding a place to stay, paying fees or budgeting for food And herein lies the problem; they haven’t had to work hard for anything . They think the world owes them. Is must be so so hard for you , not only to discover that they have no education but have lied to you all these years and ,now because you gave them the best start you possibly could it’s your fault. I understand your worry, if you completely withdraw your funding they will just go on a downward spiral. Universities have councillors who help student work out budgets . The first thing tho’ is for you to go to the university and find out if the girls are wasting everyone’s time ( and money) and there is little to no chance that either of them will pass even the first year. That would be the building block to work from. Remove from university and bring them home. Encourage to join work agencies , attend job fairs etc. Off any money they make from either work or benefits, take an amount each week from them. Not a token £5 but a reasonable amount.You sound luck enough to be financially stable so the money they give you could be kept in a bank for several years and given back to them. Maybe a Higher Education course near you would be a good compromise.They are not bad girls, just immature and away from home . Sorry but it’s time to stop and think of mum and how you have hurt her in so many ways .

If you want something really bad. You will succeed. Let them stand on their own two feet

Glad you got all that toxic spite off your chest.

Nonsense.If you have to sit down with an adult aged 21/23 to budget, make lists etc, then it's blindingly obvious that they are nowhere near to the point where they are willing to take responsibility or engage in higher studies. As others have said, if they were 18 and in their first year, the situation and your response would be different. But to have deceived you for 4 years? Ingrained behaviour like that needs to be met with gentle detachment. No arguments, no justifying yourself. I would simply say I loved them, was worried that they had got themselves into such a situation, and that clearly, all funding would be withdrawn in one month. I wouldn't be moving in with them, or letting them return to live with me, either.This is the only way to enable them both to focus on immediate survival-i.e. accommodation, a job, adult life skills. They shouldn't even be thinking about salvaging their degrees at this stage, they need to enter the adult world of responsibility, where actions have consequences.

God what a mess,
My Dd flunked out of her scholarity, went on to do secretary training, hotel school/receptionist school, then 4 yrs interior design school. She now runs her own booming business.
So she found her way...
Take them ouf of the flat, drop uni. They can get jobs & think about what they want to do, (ideally separately.)
They were too immature, they have been having a ball, lots of partying & everything that goes with that. At your expense.
There will be tears & ranting & threats not to talk to you..
Thats OK. Dont fold, they have behaved like royal spoilt brats, they have lied & lied to your face. They know its wrong
Stop the carnage

Sorry, OP, but you have enabled them.

Why would they bother to put any effort in, when it's all being handed to them on a platter and paid for them? What would be the point? You've given them no initiative, or independence to stand on their own two feet...like all the other students who work and study.

I work full-time, study full-time, have a husband and 3 children.

I only put the effort in because I have initiative, work ethic, and no help. If my job paid me huge amounts and my parents tapped my account for me - I probably wouldn't bother studying either. I would just do it for the loans and hand outs.

They are in a mess now and really do need help.

Give them an ultimatum - They pass their new first year by next June, or you will pull everything.

If they pass their first year, then you start decreasing what you're paying, very slowly. Start by making them budget for food and get a weekend or evening job. It's a start to self independence.

There’s a problem here and it needs addressing. Talk to them.
Ask the Uni if they’re capable of this type of study.
Invite them home and get them some work.
Take rent from them immediately.
If they want to study let them study in the evenings. Our family did!
No more allowances or freebies. No holidays
If they work they can pay their way. That’s what grown ups do.
You have been treating these girls like little princesses and you have enabled them to ruin those privileges.

Im sorry you find yourself in this position. It’s what you now do that’s really important.
Be strong.

Weirdo.

Swiss parents generally expect children to be very independent and do not take an active interest in their Uni careers. So if the student fails then it’s their own look out. In real life this can be pretty cold approach but I can also see the positives in building self reliance But it is their own look out. They're adults. That's a separate issue from the financial
support, but often very wealthy people financially support their children regardless of their shortcomings. The question here is why didn't they tell you? Is it because they are shallow instagram kids or because you put too much pressure on them and they don't blow how to. They wouldn't be the first people to make mistakes in their late teens/early twenties. Only you can really answer this question.

If you've indulged them their whole lives it's very likely that they're so used to privilege that it doesn't even register how lucky they are to be being financially aided to the point you've described. If you've not given them the resilience to be independent due to your indulgence, then you've really got no one to blame but yourself.

I suggest having an honest conversation where everyone gets to be real about where they are coming from and go from there. Maybe uni isn't for them, maybe they just did it to please you. Maybe they are selfish and entitled and you have to give them some tough love. Maybe there's a bit of fault all round and you all need to find a way to work things out going forward.

We just have your opinion. I had a completely overbearing mother who expected me to excel academically and who sent me to boarding school where I towed the party line and got good grades etc, but was drinking and taking drugs and struggling ti cope with the life she had mapped out for me, which in no way resembled my own plan. I dropped out of uni too. The weight of her expectation caused me major mental health problems in my 20's, so maybe I'm seeing things from another perspective.

Best answer I've read so far.

The fact that you have supported them all this time and your deep concern now, shows how close and loving you all are.

Starting uni is quite a vulnerable time for a young person (although they can seem to be OK). I know they are 'grown up' but they were going through that stage during covid. Students really were shafted then, and there are a lot of mental health issues coming out of that time.

They have told you the truth and are 'blaming' you, which tells me that they don't know (didn't know) how to say, they needed you.

You words are so much about the money. so much about details of your support, all of which are financial.

I would be worried about what they haven't told you. You recognise their self esteem is on the floor. I think at this point be happy that they have finally spoken with you.

I think go spend some time with them, in their lives. they will make better decisions for themselves when they know that they can forgive themselves now.

You clearly believed in them when they set of for Uni. Just be with them.

I would want some evidence in writing from the current universities, that they are turning up to lectures, keeping up their work and haven't failed exams.

Otherwise the funding would stop right now.

Sorry, can I just clarify is it both dd's? who have done exactly the same, both failed in the University, and not told you. is it both of them taking you for a complete ride here?