Uni Student DDs bombshell

[cantdecidewhattodo123]

Looking for some perspective please, DD 21 & 23 are at Uni ( not in UK) . They live in a flat together owned by me and I pay for bills, fees and weekly allowance. So fairly cushy number and they can concentrate on study. Told me this week that in fact they failed exams years ago, have transferred to different courses/Uni and have been hiding it for years. They have cratered their education and wasted years but with hard work can still recover. But I am shocked - it’s so immature, like they believe it’s not important or can work out somehow magically. And they have taken money from me (that Ican afford) under false pretenses which I think is dishonest. They blame me for their failure which I know is just lashing out. I am really worried but what to do to help them?
If I stop supporting them to force them to face reality they may end up homeless or in trouble/debt and will probably drop out. But if I continue with status quo they can continue to lie, delude themselves this is somehow okay and may never get a qualification or a job. Any advice gratefully received!

As someone who had to put 5 children through very expensive university education 1000’s of miles away from home I can’t for the life of me understand how this has happened at all, let alone right under your nose if you’re in the same country as them. What have you been doing these last 3 or 4 years? Have you seen them at all? Visited them even?

I think they clearly got themselves into this situation by being lazy, stupid and cowardly (sorry! we're none of us perfect at that age for sure). But they're older now and might have kind of got "stuck" like that, so in your situation I would want to give them a final chance. If they're still enrolled at university I would tell them they have until the summer/end of the academic year, and they have to complete it. If not they get out of your flat and you stop their allowance as well. It's move out now or get their arses in gear - you'll need a way of checking they are working though, perhaps they could ask a tutor to contact you in a month or so to confirm they are being allowed to continue.

What exactly were they struggling with? You say they were academic and just don't want to work, but even though uni is a jump from A levels, bright kids should be able to work at a decent level while still having time and energy for socialising and fun, especially if they don't need to earn money.

I think you need to find out exactly why they couldn't stay on a course. It won't excuse the lying and they have lost any right to depend on you, but you need to know why they couldn't hack this in order to know how to proceed.

I agree. You need to get over there pronto. You won't get to the bottom of any of it from afar.

How have they been spending their days I wonder and why is their self esteem on the floor, if they are living rent and bill free plus allowance?

Could drugs be involved?

I did expect them to go to Uni- maybe my expectations were too high

I think that may have been the problem. They did what you expected without deciding themselves if they wanted to go directly to uni from school. You also made it too easy for them by paying for everything.

Oddly my richer older siblings children worked while at uni as my siblings had to completely fund their maintenance so they give them the minimum. There as my poorer older siblings didn't, but their children had to get maintenance loans. Both approaches worked.

Anyway it's done now. Now just give them firm boundaries. And as PPs give them 6 months to get out of your flat.

I don't know where you are but I'm in Italy and it sounds like the system is similar. I know that people get behind, and often take much longer to complete degree, but that's beside the point, the problem is the dishonesty.
I would feel sad if I felt they couldn't tell me they had fallen behind, but I would be cross if they were dossing around with no intention of trying.

They shouldn't have choice, if they don't want to study then they work. I think you need to have a very straight talk with them, if they can't convince you they are going to turn this round then they have a time (month?) to find a job and start paying rent or move out.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Letting them mess up their lives isn't good for them.

Good grief what privileges they have been given and squandered. I was a full scholarship student and had to maintain a very high grade score or I would have lost my funding.
Sounds like they have been mucking about, I mean one year fine, but to lie for 4 years?!

I’d get tough. Give them notice, and I wouldn’t fund uni for them again. If they want it they will have to pay for it themselves which presumably would make them try harder.

Sorry OP must feel like being hit with a ton of bricks being lied to like that.

Am so sorry OP.

Do you know how hard it is to fail at Uni. They must have been truly awfull to get to this stage.

What they have done is unforgivable and whatever course of action you feel is best, is best.

Personally, i’d sell the property and get them to sort themselves out from this point onward. You can explain how upset you are, and that clearly having you as a meal ticket has meant they don’t value you or what you have done for them.

It will be difficult and acrimonious, and they may never get over it, but as parents we have to be cruel to ensure kids learn life lessons early enough.

They believe it can "work out magically" because that's what an allowance far up in someone's twenties will do to you. Getting them an apartment was a wonderful act of generosity but for everything else they should have got loans or part time jobs and learned how to budget and deal with paperwork and function in the world like everyone. You should have a long conversation about them about what they actually want to do with their lives, and act accordingly. Since they only confessed because you demanded documents and then got defensive I doubt they're going to change their ways if things stay the same. Give them a chance to grow up before they're thirty or forty and still dependent on you.

Are they actually even in Uni? Sure they aren't spinning you another lie?

If they're still at Uni, given them set targets and deadlines. You expect passes and if they don't, they have to move back home and get a job.

If they're not at Uni, tell them the free ride is over. They can move back home, where you'll continue to help support them, but you can get a better return on your property investment renting it to someone else. They can then have some time to consider what they want to do in life, but make it clear that they have to find work as you won't pay for them forever.

I would also be making it very clear how disappointed you are in the deceit and lies. How long did they think they could get away with it for??

Don't let these two grown ass women trick you into feeling sorry for then. Poor self esteem and mental health my arse. Give them an ultimatum - move home to finish your education or get a job.

If they were really scared of you going mad, they would have passed second time round.
Sometimes university isn't right for people or they are best attending when they are older. I would be furious at the lies. I bet you were treading on eggshells and being sensitive to their mental health needs when they created many of their problems by lying to you.

Work isn't a choice and can be beneficial to people's self esteem and mental health.

But if I continue with status quo they can continue to lie, delude themselves this is somehow okay and may never get a qualification or a job.

They have now been honest with you @cantdecidewhattodo123 .

It's a shame they couldn't tell you that they were struggling- are you very performance-orientated for them?

They are on new courses now aren't they, and god willing doing ok.

I wouldn’t ‘sit down with them’, I’d meet each of them separately and frame it as a formal interview in which I would demand full disclosure of every single term/ module and mark they have achieved. I would make this very serious indeed and I would fully state that this is essentially a fraud investigation (albeit one conducted by yourself).

If they are reluctant, refuse or lie then that’s the end of this game- obviously be upfront about this. They have cheated you. They aren’t children they are deceitful adults.

Im sorry this has happened but perhaps you have taken your eye off the ball a little, did you really never have any conversations about their studies? I’d also be tempted to calculate how much this has cost you and deduct this from futures cash injections they might have enjoyed.

Did you never visit them or facetime them? Presume US. Did they never come home?

I would visit, ask them their plans and tell them to get a job. Give them a year doing VSO or Peace Corps so they can see how hugely privileged they are. Or sell the flat, give them half and tell them that's it.

I'd say now the number one priority for both of them is getting a part time job. While it will reduce their time to study, having too much time is often the cause of a lack of focus.

If they are not going to pass - and even if they do will be quite an age - they need something for their CV. A 26 year old with zero other experience even if they have an amazing degree is going to struggle to find work

While the deceit is terrible, I think the focus now needs to be on how they are going to address it.
I would certainly be tapering their support fairly rapidly and would want to see evidence of employment and academic progress.

Making them work isn't punishing them, it's supporting them not to be left languishing and unemployable

Get them to move home ASAP!
Go through their finances with a fine toothe comb - they might have some hidden debt that you don't know about.

And this could easily be the tip of the iceberg.

Support them emotionally and work out a 3/ 6 / 12 / 18 months plan where you lay down the law... finding a job, paying you rent (I would save this without their knowledge to help them pay of debt or extra moving out ££) and standing on own feed by moving out!

DH nephew did this, he's built up a remarkable amount of debt ...

Tell them you will pay for - say - 6 more weeks but then there is no more money. They will have to get jobs. They are adults and taking you for a fool, so it has to stop.

Are you in a country where three year paid apprenticeships leading to state recognised qualifications are the most common route into the majority of careers?

If so I'd say they need to apply for apprenticeships starting in September and have until August to pass their first university years. If they pass this year and can move on in October they can give up the apprenticeship places.

Make it crystal clear that you paying the rent on the flat is conditional on providing they're getting passing grades from then on (if you're where I think you might be the apprenticeship routes will also include lots of exams and end of year official grade breakdowns) and that the funds stop at the end of three years regardless.

If you're in the same country I'm thinking of you're legally obliged to support them financially until they're either 27, married or have completed a degree or vocational qualification, but perhaps that's not where you are .

Dh’s cousin’s ds did this, which is also possible in the country, where he lives, the difference is his parents knew what was going on. He returned home with nothing after 4 years and finally did a vocational qualification and is working.

OP I don’t think this is as rare a situation as it may seem. I remember years ago a girl on my course who did exactly the same thing - dropped out in our first year and lied to her parents. Only came clean when it was graduation time and obviously she wasn’t graduating.

are they addicted to drugs? Party drugs like cocaine was a massive factor with my friend.

Once you start by telling a fib (which you think you can pull back from) it can be a nightmare to get out of. I condone nothing but give them a fair chance to explain and work out a plan together. The burden of not telling you could well have been intolerable.