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Original poster

Uni Student DDs bombshell

300 replies

cantdecidewhattodo123 · 17/11/2022 17:31

Looking for some perspective please, DD 21 & 23 are at Uni ( not in UK) . They live in a flat together owned by me and I pay for bills, fees and weekly allowance. So fairly cushy number and they can concentrate on study. Told me this week that in fact they failed exams years ago, have transferred to different courses/Uni and have been hiding it for years. They have cratered their education and wasted years but with hard work can still recover. But I am shocked - it’s so immature, like they believe it’s not important or can work out somehow magically. And they have taken money from me (that Ican afford) under false pretenses which I think is dishonest. They blame me for their failure which I know is just lashing out. I am really worried but what to do to help them?
If I stop supporting them to force them to face reality they may end up homeless or in trouble/debt and will probably drop out. But if I continue with status quo they can continue to lie, delude themselves this is somehow okay and may never get a qualification or a job. Any advice gratefully received!

OP posts:
Lennybenny · 17/11/2022 18:01

Omg. Your dd have literally used you for years with no intentions of doing anything they were supposed to. You've supported them both for years and they have NOTHING to show for it. Why are you still supporting them? I would give anything to be able to financially support my ds while they were studying but no matter how much I love them, they both know there are expectations. I support, they work. It's that simple.

Give them notice. You choose to pay the rent or bills if you want to but they should be expected to do the rest. If you continue to throw money at them they'll spend the next 4 and 3 years letting you. Honestly, just because you can afford to, doesn't mean you should...especially if they aren't prepared to appreciate what you're doing for them. Utterly SMH.

Motnight · 17/11/2022 18:01

My dd failed her first year. It was genuinely one of the best things that could have happened to her. She was an immature young woman who thought that she could do what she liked without any backlash and who refused to listen to any info that she didn't like. She had to take responsibility for her actions and face the consequences. And she did. It really helped her mature and understand that you have to work to get what you want.

Your dds don't seem to have had the same response, which is worrying.

BigglyBee · 17/11/2022 18:01

That's a lot of lies! I think that once I'd calmed down (away from them or any means of communicating with them!). Then I would treat this the same as failing the course. That doesn't mean they'd be off the hook for the lies, though.

It seems unlikely that they will pass this year, and even if they do, they would still have other years to struggle though. What is the cause of their failure? Are they not understanding the course, not working enough, or drinking too much?

Do they have any work history which could provide references? Are there apprenticeships that they could apply for? Does your area have a job which most people do at one time or another when they need extra money? (in my area it's picking winkles and cockles on the shore, and my sons have all done that to get cash for uni). The only thing they mustn't do is nothing- they need to be forced into some sort of action. I suspect that will mean bringing them home.

Original poster
cantdecidewhattodo123 · 17/11/2022 18:02

It was basically forced disclosure because I insisted on a document confirming matriculation and they couldn’t provide it. It’s just a mess. But thank you for your input - it really helps me think.

OP posts:
Exasperatednow · 17/11/2022 18:02

You need to stop funding them. You've made it too easy.

brighterthanthemoon · 17/11/2022 18:02

How on earth is it "your" fault

TabithaTittlemouse · 17/11/2022 18:04

What a shock! The lies and deceit towards their own mother show a complete lack of respect.

Are they studying now?

Could they come home and study?

Going forward I would be asking for receipts for everything.

tribpot · 17/11/2022 18:05

Jesus, so they weren't going to come clean, they are living for the Instagram likes as if they were Kardashians, I'm not sure I'm seeing what the mental health problem is? They've fucked up royally, their mental state is 'liars get caught'. They are well overdue learning that lesson.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 17/11/2022 18:05

GCAcademic · 17/11/2022 17:45

I’d tell them to move out. They’ve been handed everything on a plate and clearly don’t value it.

This. I'm at uni myself, but a single mother who will be saddled in loans. I could only dream of a parent paying but sadly parents wouldn't be able to afford to do so (I'm a mature student, past my 20s sadly)

Wasted opportunity and lying to your face. I'd be disgusted if my child did that to me over something as important as education. Unless they want to wait until later in life because of messing around like I did at their age, I'd suggest they take advantage of your kind provisions.

Lennybenny · 17/11/2022 18:06

@cantdecidewhattodo123 with all due respect. You've done your bit. You've supported them for years. If they can't figure it out now, they never will. That's not on you. You can't do anymore than you have. You made it easy for them. Their mental health can't be on your shoulders. They've done this to themselves.
Have you thought that maybe they're using the mental health thing as a way of trying to get out of you going properly mad? You've gone sympathetic because of your concerns but they're probably just playing you tbh. The level of lying involved in what they've done is astounding. I doubt they're telling you the truth about any of it tbh.

ForestofD · 17/11/2022 18:07

What lesson do you want them to learn from this?

That deceiving you pays off? I would give them plenty of notice to get themselves sorted out and then stop supporting them.

Give themselves enough time to get organised and then stand firm. It might just be the making of them. Do you want to be supporting them in 5 years time?

Are you happy with the way they have treated you?

Delphinium20 · 17/11/2022 18:07

OP, I have a friend who's won did something similar. My dear friend has worked herself to the bone and he can't be bothered to be grateful and similarly lashes out as a defense mechanism. I have DDs and understand the desire to prop them up until they can be independent but there comes a point for some youth where they're incapable of learning this lesson unless you cut them off. They won't starve, they won't die. If they are young and healthy, they should figure it out.

Before you cut them off, I'd do what PP said and make a surprise visit and not leave until you have a handle on their lifestyle, in case there's a problem with any addictions or dangerous friends.

BigglyBee · 17/11/2022 18:07

What they've done is terrible, but I think it can be turned round. Can you sit down with them and get a full picture of what happened (is there anything else you don't know? Get absolutely everything out of them, and then teach them how to work out a plan in situations like this. Look at all the options, be very clear about the things that can't happen, and then let them (or make them!) take action themselves to work out some sort of plan for their future.
It's hard sometimes to not step in and fix everything for them, but sorting this out themselves might be the best thing to ever happen to them.

Mariposista · 17/11/2022 18:09

University isn't for everyone OP. Maybe they would be better off in work or on a vocational course. Could it be that you 'expect' them to go to university and it is too hard for them but they are afraid to say so, so hid it and are just blundering through.

Delphinium20 · 17/11/2022 18:11

One option would be to enforce communication with their professors, so you are cc or bcc on all school correspondence. This would be the accountability part and a bare minimum requirement if you want to continue funding them if they want to try to stay in Uni.

Original poster
cantdecidewhattodo123 · 17/11/2022 18:11

Thank you to everyone for your replies. I live in the same country and will see them on Saturday to agree a plan. I think I need to back off really- it’s clearly not helping in reality. Just enabling this stupid behavior

OP posts:
fallfallfall · 17/11/2022 18:11

i've been in a similar situation (not the lying bit, but the failing part).
what worked for us was telling them to go part time but take on a part time job.
took our oldest 8 years. he did graduate with a BSc in computer science and did find work that earns him a good living 75K a year.
but there were NO LIES and i was also a bitch and had computer access to their uni profile.
had uni access to all 3 who had similar arrangements (fee's paid, weekly allowance, accommodation).

MaydinEssex · 17/11/2022 18:12

Do you think they are really at university or could this be another lie? Maybe they've quit?

BigSandyBalls2015 · 17/11/2022 18:13

Christ that’s awful! I’d be raging. And upset.

some kids take a while to mature but they do t even seem remorseful.

one of mine did sweet FA at school and thought she could stroll into a good job as she was bright … it was a big shock when she failed the training. She finally got it and stepped up.

Your DDs also need a reality check.

TrashyPanda · 17/11/2022 18:13

cantdecidewhattodo123 · 17/11/2022 18:00

Yes- they seem to live in a fantasy Instagram world where money is always there. I am really worried about their mental state and how they are going to recover from this

Worry about their laziness
worry about their habitual deceit

you cannot trust them
stop treating two adults like they are young kids.

the best thing for their self esteem is to start behaving like responsible members of society instead of sponging off their mother.

i would be so ashamed of this behaviour.
DD worked (as in an actual job) throughout her time at uni, despite having mental and physical disabilities.

what is their excuse?

Original poster
cantdecidewhattodo123 · 17/11/2022 18:14

I did expect them to go to Uni- maybe my expectations were too high and they thought I’d go crazy at them for failing so just hid it

OP posts:
Aishah231 · 17/11/2022 18:16

I'd insist on seeing evidence for everything from now on - uni wise. I'd say one more failed exam and they move out and get a job. Hard but very fair given the circumstances. Good luck OP

Original poster
cantdecidewhattodo123 · 17/11/2022 18:16

But it’s still dishonest and wrong. Anyway - thanks again for replies - have to log off now but will mull it over ( obsessively)

OP posts:
Lengokengo · 17/11/2022 18:17

Since they weren’t going to tell you and you forced their hand, this is pretty bad.

They have lied to you and had no intention of stopping.

Any plan should involve a shock to their system. They have to self support and learn some respect for you and themselves. I would cancel their lease and they need to live at home and pay rent, so get a job. What a waste. This needs tough love. Get angry at them, because, frankly you should be angry.

tribpot · 17/11/2022 18:18

they thought I’d go crazy at them for failing so just hid it
Bollocks. The reason they hid it was so you'd go on funding them and they wouldn't have to work.