Uni Student DDs bombshell

[cantdecidewhattodo123]

Looking for some perspective please, DD 21 & 23 are at Uni ( not in UK) . They live in a flat together owned by me and I pay for bills, fees and weekly allowance. So fairly cushy number and they can concentrate on study. Told me this week that in fact they failed exams years ago, have transferred to different courses/Uni and have been hiding it for years. They have cratered their education and wasted years but with hard work can still recover. But I am shocked - it’s so immature, like they believe it’s not important or can work out somehow magically. And they have taken money from me (that Ican afford) under false pretenses which I think is dishonest. They blame me for their failure which I know is just lashing out. I am really worried but what to do to help them?
If I stop supporting them to force them to face reality they may end up homeless or in trouble/debt and will probably drop out. But if I continue with status quo they can continue to lie, delude themselves this is somehow okay and may never get a qualification or a job. Any advice gratefully received!

If you really love them you will let them join the real world and stop paying for everything. You’ve been lied to and mislead so they have had a free ride, taking advantage of the person in their life trying to help them. It’s so awful for you, but please stop being manipulated about their emotional well-being and how they have low- self esteem, you are being reeled in to keep the funds rolling. They need jobs - now, and they need to find their own accommodation . Give them 30 days as their landlord to sort themselves new accommodation, and let them go into the world. You are not helping them now, you are enabling bad choices. I’m so sorry for you OP.

Two of my older siblings have done this. In the end they coped themselves on. They turned out okay, both are successful business owners.

Gosh, I struggle to understand just how they thought this behaviour was acceptable! How much longer would they have been letting you pay out?
The deceit is appalling; I’d be absolutely furious.

Because they live together in a paid for flat they don’t have any peer pressure from other students or friends like they would if they lived in halls or a shared, scruffy house. Me and my friends lived in halls and houses and we started the course together and graduated together. One of us would have been mortified to have to repeat a year. All their pals must have graduated or coming up to and their still dicking around in the first year. They’ve had it too easy living together

If the oldest is 23 surely she should have finished college by now?

they both need an avalanche of cop in. They’re both grown up. By going along with their delusions you’re enabling them.

prepare to still support them in 10 years time.

To be fair to them - they do.
All they have known is education (or pretending to get an education) while all their rent, bills, & living expenses are taken care of for them.

They have cratered their education and wasted years but with hard work can still recover. But I am shocked - it’s so immature, like they believe it’s not important or can work out somehow magically.
So far, it HAS all worked out magically for them.
Without needing to work or worry, somebody else takes care of all the unpleasant business of how much life costs.

No they are rumbled, what life experience do they have of working hard to rectify mistakes, taking ownership for adult choices, & accepting that their actions have consequences?

It appears very little.
They'd have been better off staying at home, & working in Tesco for 3 or 4 years to save for self-funded travel/house purchase deposit/vocational training.
I'd be inclined to haul them home & let them have just that experience ...

That must have come as a hell of a shock. Were they playing along by talking about their courses? Were you giving them enough to live on without them having to do any work? (That's very generous but it's obviously enabled them to continue with this.)

Are they still studying now or is it all abandoned?

They're either taking the piss and partying instead of studying or they're not intellectually capable of this level of education. Either way they shouldn't get to carry on as they are at your expense.

You feel used because you have been. They haven't appreciated your generosity.

Time to pull the plug on this situation and let them fend for themselves. It's not mean. You gave them the opportunity for 4yrs, what they did with that opportunity was up to them.

They won't be homeless, they can get a job in their country and pay rent or they can get a flight home to you, get a job in your country, then move out and pay their own way as soon as they have.

I'd expect them to take any job so they can become independent, not wait around with you paying for everything until a job of their choice comes up. If they can't have the quality of life they wished for due to not having a degree, that isn't your fault.

If they want more education they will have to pay for it themselves and study in the evening around full time working or else look for a job with professional education provided by the employer.

I would hesitate to fall for talk of how they are going to turn things around or pull it back. They are only saying that now because they have been caught. Before you requested the documents they were just continuing to lie. I think they may well continue to string you along.

So I would be tempted to brush off talk of how if you continue funding them they are going to study. Explain you’ll believe that when you see them take determined action but for now there is no reason to believe it. I would be calm but firm, say the funding of their lifestyle and the flat was for the purposes of them getting degrees which they clearly have no interest in. So the flat will end, they can return to live at home where they will have a roof over their head and be fed while they look for paid work. Then in time they can decide if they want to reapply for study. Tell them that taking responsibility for themselves and working will be the best boost for their self esteem.

Meanwhile I would ask them both to think about why they thought it was ok to deceive you for so long.

Yeah, I know a couple of people who did this. I think they both had parents with very high expectations for them and they were ashamed that they weren't cut out for uni. They started working though, they didn't freeload off their parents for 3 years!

Self esteem? Mental state?
You are making too many excuses for them.
They need a boot up the arse and a dose of reality.

And yes I agree with pp that they need to take any job for the time being.

I can see why you're shocked. I didn't go to university and I'm doing oK, like not fantastically well, but I think that's more linked to my very average level of intelligence rather than that I didn't have the experience of going to university.

I'd go to their flat and tell them that they have to get jobs. Try not to be too catastrophic about it. They have lied to you and mislead you and you have poured money in to their pretence but they're ok, they're healthy, they're young, they CAN GET JOBS.

Tell them that it's ok, they don't have to study, they can be themselves and support themselves.

I hope it goes well xx

Yikes. I can understand any university student struggling after the past few years we’ve all had but the deception is something else entirely.

I wonder if maybe they didn’t know how to stop once they’d started.

'Going through something like that'? If by 'that' you mean blowing through my money, lying to me for years and betraying my trust, then I would indeed be really, really, REALLY upset.

Honestly, You don’t have to live in scruffy student housing or shared accommodation to come away from Uni with friends and an excellent degree. There are loads of other ways to build character.

That was my first thought.

You’ve made life far too easy for them.
our 19 year old works and studies and pays his way. No reason whatsoever why they can’t, if they wish to continue.

I think that what I would find most upsetting is the deception!
They think it's ok to have lied continuously, over a period of years, to their mother, who has done nothing but support them.

I would be really, really hurt by that level of deceit.

I think it is time for tough love, OP, or they will never change.

Good luck!

I would tell them that if they'd really like to pursue uni/classes, they can move back in with me and attend online courses as I'd be done paying their rent when they're not working and are lying to me about going to school, no more living off of mom under false pretenses. I'd continue to pay for their schooling with proof of attendance, and I'd also make them get a job because I would no longer be giving them an allowance. Seems harsh, but they've gotten away with living lavishly through lies for too long. Years?? That's not a mistake nor is it fear, it's not wanting to do anything but still live the way you want

I don't think them getting a job while studying will help, as they're already been struggling with the demands of their courses, without having less time to put into study.

It took me a few more years than the average person to finish my education, but I got a good class of degree in the end that opened doors for me.

Op they're not going to pass them! Stop giving them money. You are lovely and want the best for them I can tell, must be so disappointing.

‘Were they playing along by talking about their courses?’

Regardless of what the sisters have done, the OP has really let the ball slip here for this to have been going on as long as it has. Just how do your your young adult student children manage to do this without a serious dose of parental neglect going on also?

Where I live it’s common for children to do their further education abroad and in all of my years I’ve never heard of anything like this. Just what were they speaking about at meal times when they got together?

How on earth did you not know that they were no longer at Uni? I can’t imagine not knowing that my DDs had made such a massive change in their lives. Did you never visit them? See the evidence of their studying? Meet any of their Uni friends?
Im afraid it sounds to me like you’ve been there to bankroll their lifestyle but haven’t taken any further notice in their lives. After all, the younger sibling must have known their older sibling wasn’t doing what you thought when she joined her at Uni?
Yes, what they’ve done is pretty awful, but come on everyone, would YOUR children get away with this without you knowing???

Has anyone read "The adversary" by Emmanuel Carrère? True story of a man who missed a university exam, pretended to finish university and graduate, pretended to have got a great job, but spent every day just driving around or visiting a mistress. Lived off money entrusted to him to invest. When people started asking for their money back, he knew he was about to be found out. He then murdered his entire family.