Uni Student DDs bombshell

[cantdecidewhattodo123]

Looking for some perspective please, DD 21 & 23 are at Uni ( not in UK) . They live in a flat together owned by me and I pay for bills, fees and weekly allowance. So fairly cushy number and they can concentrate on study. Told me this week that in fact they failed exams years ago, have transferred to different courses/Uni and have been hiding it for years. They have cratered their education and wasted years but with hard work can still recover. But I am shocked - it’s so immature, like they believe it’s not important or can work out somehow magically. And they have taken money from me (that Ican afford) under false pretenses which I think is dishonest. They blame me for their failure which I know is just lashing out. I am really worried but what to do to help them?
If I stop supporting them to force them to face reality they may end up homeless or in trouble/debt and will probably drop out. But if I continue with status quo they can continue to lie, delude themselves this is somehow okay and may never get a qualification or a job. Any advice gratefully received!

My youngest pissed around for three years doing until courses and disnt open a book. She wanted to return home to me. I told her no unless she had a job. She kept yelling at me but eventually she got a job and then I let her come home with the proviso she pays rent. I hear too much of this, young adults without a clue - I left home at 18 to live alone and paid bills myself, working and then returned to uni when I could afford it.
I asked her how much she thought council tax was and she said £100 a year! Oh how I chortled...
They need to get jobs, pay you rent and study in the evening - the way you g adults used to when they couldn't afford university.

Slightly harsh, when I was at uni none of my friends parents visited very much/rang much. I was so far away it would have been easy to say 'things are/aren't ok' my mum didn't really ring me.

I doubt they withheld the information for malicious reasons; probably embarrassed and believed they could cope by themselves. Okay so they failed the courses initially but they’ve switched and started again so there’s no failure there, really as they’re both working to pass the courses they’re now on. I’m not sure I would feel the need to do very much about it, really but it depends on how much financial support you want/can continue to provide. If I was in your situation, I’d tell them that they should’ve told me about the switching courses/uni but that I’ll continue to give them use if the flat until they pass their courses. Not necessary to have any big drama about it, really. What’s done is done.

Yes! Nothing like building up their life skills for themselves!

Sorry, OP, but you know that you have been enabling.

I know someone who was a go-getter, bought and sold stuff and was clever with money when she was a student on very little money but her father gave her a huge house in Surrey when she was young. She sold it, had everything on a plate, and lost her mojo, got lazy and really lacked a motive to go out and work. She said she was more fulfilled when she was earning her own money and was ducking and diving.

One it was all handed to her, had nothing to strive for, she lost any get up and go and her life spiralled down drastically.

Don't let your children like that.

No advice but sympathy, I can imagine the shock was fairly horrendous. I decided to skip uni and start working and I moved out at 19 and so I can’t really relate,. Twenties seems quite old though to be behaving as your DD’s have. I do know that my parents would have hit the bloody roof had one of us done this.

Because money has always been there, and they don't even pay their own bills!

I'd be furious. Time to give them a sharp kick into actual reality, or they will always take you and your money for granted.

This isn't your fault. They have chosen to lie for three and four years respectively and now have been found out. They have arsed around, on your money, because they didn't care enough to out in effort. Excusing them with they must be worried and their MH must be an issue, I'm sorry, I wouldn't. They have been fully funded and chose to do nothing with that privilege. If you want to do the funding their eduction, although they seem disinterested, then I would have rules- you expect a report every term from them with their grades from the uni- the email that proves they have passed or failed. If they can't manage to worm into another course, which is likely, then they have a specified length of time to start working. Rent, bills etc will need to be paid from a certain date, or you'll evict them. They clearly are happy to use you as a cash cow, and sorry, but if you want them to grow up at all- which at that age they should be stating to, you need to stop blaming yourself, and funding them

The first year is the easiest - if they can’t pass that they are unlikely to finish. Totally taking the piss telling you lies for years! I wouldn’t make them homeless but I would start charging them market rate rent so they have to either work or take out student finance. If they really want to succeed they will make it happen

Everyone saying 'but didn't you ever visit them', how would OP have known they were lying based on a visit? She may well have stayed over at their flat but presumably she didn't expect to accompany them to lectures!

You wouldn’t need to accompany them to lectures. You’d just have to be a really detached parent for this to have gone on for 4 years and not to realize something was amiss.

Actually based on some of what the OP is saying I think I know what country they’re in. The first year is actually pretty tough, it’s designed to have a high failure rate. Failing first year and then signing up for a different subject is fairly common. Everyone who applies to uni is accepted, even for degrees like medicine, the end of year exams for first year are how they select students going forward.

If it is that country, then parents have a legal obligation to provide for their children until they’re 27 or married if they’re students. So she can’t legally cut them off if they’re registered as students.

Did they actually want to go to university or was it expected of them?
I appreciate COVID blocked a lot of options to travel or work, just taking a break trying to figure out their lives.
Would you have been happy to support them if they had wanted to do an apprenticeship or a vocational course?
I would ask them (without prejudice) what they actually want to do and take it from there.

Kick them out

you can always allow them back in a few weeks or months but you can’t kick them out later

so basically they have no value of money and just a free fucking ride.

I’d fly out change the locks and give them a shock

4 years of lying

4 years of living rent free and accommodation and sod all

I would never forgive this

they are out!

have you paid fees to the university?

omg I’d total it up and want ever penny back - so I would fly out change the locks, pack their suitcases and give them a year to pay it all back

let them learn reality

This. They move back in with you and get jobs. Even if they can logistically finish Uni it sounds like they need monitoring through it.

You must be gutted about the waste of time and money, but mostly the deceit by both of them.

Why though? I wouldn't describe my parents as detached, but equally I'm struggling to think of any hard evidence they'd have seen during the three years I was at university that proved I was still enrolled on the course. How would they have known I was telling the truth about attending lectures and revising for exams and so on?

At this point I would probably stop the handouts. Go and live with them if I could. Make them share a room so that you can have your own room. And try to get them to do some serious timesheets!!

Starting from now (not before, that would be unfair as moving the goalposts) I would begin a loan account for every expense you expend for them and send them the details and the balance each month.

I actually see them quite often for family birthdays or visits and we go on holidays together. They just pretended everything was fine, made up things when asked and had still had the Uni paperwork ( because they repeated without telling me) . I didn’t press them for evidence of grades or progression because I thought it was up to them to take responsibility. Wishful thinking. I think I am too detached but not anymore. I live in Switzerland where this kind of failing, repeating and messing around is ( shockingly) not uncommon.

I think people are miss-understanding that you are not in the UK. I'm guessing France, although by the sounds of it Italy could be the same.

The first year at university here is the hardest to pass. A huge portion of students redo their first year. I don't know the full figures but 40% wouldn't surprise me. For Medicine it is as high as 80 %.

I can totally see how they could get away with this for years without anyone noticing.

I think if my Dd's did this to me I would go full on angry mum. I would lay it on very thick about how disrespectful they have been and how much work it has taken to pay their bills, and how disappointed I was in them. Then I would give them and ultimatum. Pass the year, with absolute proof, or get a job. The tenancy ends in June.

Wow - move forward with a plan. They pack in university and they get a job. Give them three months notice from your flat. They are piss takers. They need a harsh lesson in growing up. Good luck - you must be devastated.

Do you know for a fact or are you assuming they aren't already in debt?

While I don’t agree with the actions of the OP’s daughters, I do think your last sentence is a bit unfair. University is so far beyond affordable now that young adults haven’t a hope in hell of getting a job ‘until they can afford it’ now, certainly in the uk! Ridiculous.

Why though? I wouldn't describe my parents as detached, but equally I'm struggling to think of any hard evidence they'd have seen during the three years I was at university that proved I was still enrolled on the course. How would they have known I was telling the truth about attending lectures and revising for exams and so on?

I'm mid-thirties and have returned to uni.

It would still take a lot of effort to lie to my DM, even at my age! She always asks how I'm getting on, wants to chat about things I'm studying, asking how the latest assignment I was stressing over went etc.

These girls must have been constantly lying to op!

@op I think you need to stop bank-rolling them. They will never achieve anything in their lives if they are planning to just mooch off you (and if you let them...)!

Having lived in Switzerland for over a decade myself I know 1st year is not easy to pass. However, the problem I would have is the deceit. I’d want to know why they felt the need to lie for so many years.
Luckily there are many options here - if Uni is not their thing, there are plenty of vocational study options or employment options. I think at this age, they need to be more self-sufficient. Part-time work/study will allow them to pay for rent and still work on qualifications. If they can’t rent where they are, Switzerland is small enough to love somewhere “cheaper” (relatively) and commute.
Let them be more accountable for their actions. They may not appreciate it at first, but it will improve their character.

I want to ask what a pp did, but I don't think you answered.

You say that they blame you. Why? How is this your fault in their eyes?

My eldest child had to get up at 4 o’clock in the morning to attend lectures in a different country on a different continent because she was meant to physically be in that country as part of her course and Covid prevented it, so my 20-year-old dragged her arse out of bed every morning to attend lectures online and did not miss one. She had no social life for a whole year.

I honestly think a bit of Toughlove is required OP don’t chuck them out but give them a very stern talking to.