First time boarding - missing DS so, so much

[muppetsmum]

We dropped our DS off yesterday to start weekly boarding at Y9. He totally wanted to do it, it's a fabulous school about an hour away and I know that it is absolutely the best thing for him as he is bright, sporty, musical and outgoing and will thrive with so many more opportunities than he will get at a day school around here. I have another daughter who is going into Y11at a day school so thankfully, she is still at home. I always knew this would be tough but it's even worse than I thought. It feels so final and like every time he's back, it will be 'on borrowed time'. He's obviously been away before, even for a week, but it feels like his 'life force' has left the house now. I keep looking at the back door and the fourth chair at the table and thinking that he'll never walk home from school through the door again, and of all the meals with only three of us at the table. I realise this is really self-indulgent, so many people in worse situations than me, even my daughter said to me 'He's not dead, Mum'. Every time I see something of his, tears come to my eyes. We have a very close relationship, we're very similar in many ways. Of course I'm so lucky that my daughter is here and she is an amazing girl, but somehow I can't seem to find consolation in that and that makes me feel guilty, like maybe I don't love her as much (obviously not true). Is this at all normal or am I totally over-reacting? I am a very emotional person, often overly so, but generally of sound and sturdy mental health with a good network of friends (who seem to cope much more sensibly than me with their kids boarding). Is this even vaguely normal? I know this is very early days but can anyone tell me how long it takes to start adjusting? How the heck do people manage to do full boarding or go overseas and not see their kids for weeks/months on end???

"How the heck do people manage to do full boarding or go overseas and not see their kids for weeks/months on end???"

I imagine they prefer it that way, otherwise why do it?!

When I started boarding aged11 so many of the girls would cry at night. Never occurred to me their parents might be upset too.

Regarding your point about why you can't find solace in your daughter. It's not uncommon for parents to prefer one child over the other, even if they love them both equally (if that makes sense). Maybe he is your ally and she is a bit more annoying, doesn't mean you don't love her. But you may want to tone down the weeping in front of her - if you're feeling guilty about it I'm sure she'll have similar thoughts going round her brain.

Thank you for sharing your opinion on boarding. Actually, he chose to go and we chose to allow him to. If it had been solely my selfish decision, I would have kept him at home. I understand that people have different perspectives and views on boarding but I was hoping for constructive input from others who have been through this, rather than subjective opinions from those who perhaps haven't.

This

If my 13 year old wanted to leave home I would be pretty upset too

Yeah this really.

Presumably your son will be home in a couple of weeks?

Ignore the snidey responses from others. Clearly they can't comprehend that your 13 year old is mature enough to have come to you with a preference about his education and you have seen how it is best for him and supported him to make it happen.
You've hardly carted him off to baording school so you can sit and drink gin all day. And it doesn't sound like he's suggested this move to get away from home.

Of course you are finding it hard. This transition is never easy, but it will ease. It just takes a while to settle to your new normal. My situation is slightly different in that it hasn't involved boarding school, but I can sympathise with you missing him and all the small ways that manifests.

Unfair. He wanted to go. I am an ex house patent. Believe me, dumped kids are thre ones who don't show emotion and have parents who see the homesickness and missing their kid as a right of passage. He will be fine after a few days, and if it doesn't work out, he can quit. X

It's weekly boarding, so you will get to see him every weekend, won't you? Th epoint is, you are close. He is not going away for weeks at a time and returning to a busy, indifferent family. That is damaging to parent-child relationships. Weekly boarding isn't.

If it's any consolation, you stop seeing them anyway at around this age if they are the kind of child who is naturally very active at school. I never saw DS1. He was on the train at 7am to go to breakfast meetings for all sorts of clubs and often didn't get home until 9pm from after school activities, comatose with exhaustion and needing to be coaxed to eat and bathe. He would have loved weekly boarding and said so!

Make the most of your weekends - cook his favourite food, make sure his bed is really cosy and welcoming, insist he spends a bit of time with you discussing what he's been up to all week. Maybe get into a ritual of taking him out for breakfast or doing pancakes on Sundays or going for a family walk, so you can catch up with him.

In all fairness he probably doesn't know what he's signed up for

Yes, as a former boarder myself, I can second this

I would say you have done the very best for your DS if he wanted to go and it is an environment he will thrive in. Some of the posters commenting negatively dont seem to understand the concept of putting your child first, well done OP for letting him fly, he will come back and be happier for it.

Ignore the people trying to make you feel like crap.
You'll all get used to it. My child weekly boarded , special needs. She thrived.
He's home at weekends and every six weeks.

Wow I cannot believe some of the responses you're getting here. If I could afford it and if mine had wanted to board I would have allowed it.

You will find things to keep you occupied- it's a transition period for both of you. He'll most likely be occupied with activities and friends, I presume he knows people at school already. My sister has moved 10 minute drive from sons school but he still chooses to board still despite having the option of being a day boy so it must have a lot to recommend it from a child's perspective. I think the key thing is it's his choice, it's not forced on him and if he doesn't like it he can come home

Can he come home if it is an hour away? He would have to change schools again.

I couldn´t do it. My Ddad and Dmil both boarded, both resented it, neither had a relationship with their parents after. My grandfather boarded from age FOUR, which shocks me so much, but it was a different time. I boarded for a bit (military family) and hated it. It was not the Enid Blyton experience I had imagined.

BUT, if he is genuinely happy and loving it, you will need to adapt quickly, it can´t be nice for your daughter to see you so upset. Keeping busy, perhaps having some quality time with her?

Oh pipe down, he's 13 & wanted to go.

You will get blasted on here op, it is a very anti boarding forum.

I can tell you it is like a bereavement, there are no words to describe it, only other parents will know the sick feeling and the dreadful loss, but it does pass, eventually it gets a little better each time they go. You know it is an amazing opportunity for him, and he will get so much out of it. So just hold tight and allow yourself to slowly recover/feel better.

If he is weekly boarding then you really haven't long to wait (I count down)
And if he is termly boarding exeat is not so far away.

Hugs, it is hard even when you know they will love it, and are so happy to go.

If my ds had wanted to board I'd have said no and so would his dad. You said yes so this is the reality.

My other dc definitely benefitted as I could focus on them

Such harsh comments. I found it really grim for about 3 weeks and had these random pangs for him but they did lessen and basically helped by the fact that he absolutely loved it - so the upset was entirely mine and mine alone !
It was lovely having him back at weekends and we did loads of lovely activities. He's a strapping 19 yo now heading off to Uni confidently after a gap year travelling and with a fab relationship with all of his family (ignore the haters)

Allow yourself some time then get busy and try to distract yourself!!

There are very very few instances where the best thing for a 13 year old boy is to leave home.

OP please ignore the haters on here, you've clearly made a decision with your DS which you both believe is in his best interests.
Yes you get used to it but it does take time. Both my DSs board and the evenings and weekends seemed very quiet at first. We found a couple of things helped: keep a good line of communication going; we use email and whatsapp as the boys both prefer that. We send silly memes, quick messages of what we have been up to and so on. The sort of thing we would share over dinner I guess. The second thing is we try to cram as much in to the time that they are away as possible, so that when they are at home we can spend time together. So all the DIY jobs get done, the work trips take place, and so on. This helps by keeping us busy, and also means we can spend (the hated phrase) quality time together during the holidays. I guess you could do something similar and try to keep weekends as free as you can?