First time boarding - missing DS so, so much

[muppetsmum]

We dropped our DS off yesterday to start weekly boarding at Y9. He totally wanted to do it, it's a fabulous school about an hour away and I know that it is absolutely the best thing for him as he is bright, sporty, musical and outgoing and will thrive with so many more opportunities than he will get at a day school around here. I have another daughter who is going into Y11at a day school so thankfully, she is still at home. I always knew this would be tough but it's even worse than I thought. It feels so final and like every time he's back, it will be 'on borrowed time'. He's obviously been away before, even for a week, but it feels like his 'life force' has left the house now. I keep looking at the back door and the fourth chair at the table and thinking that he'll never walk home from school through the door again, and of all the meals with only three of us at the table. I realise this is really self-indulgent, so many people in worse situations than me, even my daughter said to me 'He's not dead, Mum'. Every time I see something of his, tears come to my eyes. We have a very close relationship, we're very similar in many ways. Of course I'm so lucky that my daughter is here and she is an amazing girl, but somehow I can't seem to find consolation in that and that makes me feel guilty, like maybe I don't love her as much (obviously not true). Is this at all normal or am I totally over-reacting? I am a very emotional person, often overly so, but generally of sound and sturdy mental health with a good network of friends (who seem to cope much more sensibly than me with their kids boarding). Is this even vaguely normal? I know this is very early days but can anyone tell me how long it takes to start adjusting? How the heck do people manage to do full boarding or go overseas and not see their kids for weeks/months on end???

TBF the OP was using phrases that bereaved people use, which really annoyed the hell out of me: "The empty chair" what on earth? He's coming back on friday for Heaven's sake.

The pile on about boarding school was very unpleasant and unwarranted. It clearly is a great choice for the vast majority of kids who go, so OP has done nothing wrong by giving her son this opportunity

Posters have a lot to learn from this post

admission that knows nothing about the issue

expresses disdain for the vitriol

supportive of the op

cautiously optimistic for the op and her son

@absolutelyanythingwilldo you're kidding right? You actually went through my posts to find something personal to me to throw in my face. Wow. Anyway having a very young child with tummy problems is not a reflection of my parenting. Since she's been born she's only ever received breast milk and organic grass fed meat and organic vegetables, not one ounce of sugar or junk food or one morsel of food that hasn't been prepared by me at home. You can berate me for her issues but you'd be wrong. I'm doing my best to keep her healthy but the genetics are against me (IBD and allergies in the family).

Incidentally, one of the downsides of shipping children to boarding school is that they have to manage illness alone. They are able to get doctors appointments or see the school nurse but they don't have confidentiality at them, so sensitive issues are more challenging to deal with. Moreover, you can be punished for them as a PP told you she was kicked out of the school for anorexia. That is fairly common practice in the case of MH issues. At least it was at mine.
As a parent you are less likely to be able to foster that casual closeness that comes from daily interaction so choosing boarding reduces the likelihood that they'll share with you the more embarrassing issues - like digestive issues, for example. Of course plenty of kids at day school would struggle with that too but you're setting your child up to handle these things alone from a young age which is very unfair imo.

My views are from 7 years of full time boarding myself, not from being a parent of a boarder. Most of the anti boarding posts seem to be from ex boarders.

Certain people in this thread seem to think the 'lived experience' of 'boarding mummies' (wtf lol) are valid and meaningful to the thread but the experience of the many ex-boarders are anecdotal/ irrelevant/outdated/ etc.

Anyway to answer your question- that would presumably be something that happens 30 years from now so I have no idea. More near term, my brother seems to want to send his child to boarding school (for status, imo) despite being extremely damaged from his time there and I'll probably ask him why he's being so ridiculous nearer the time if he doesn't change his mind by himself, which I think he will.

Like with most things, some children are suitable to board & will thrive, others are not suitable and may well suffer (some suffer considerably). I come from a family where on one side the males board, my father + his brothers did, all their sons did. I have 3 brothers, 1 loved it & wouldn't have wanted to do different, the 2nd hated it & it did him more harm than good, the 3rd thrived it / loved it but I think would have not boarding. I got to move every 18 months with my parents which totally messed me up..

The moral of the story is no one size fits all.

That’s really out of order.
Reported as a personal attack

I agree
The opinions of ex boarders are much more important here than “boarding mummies”.
Yes, I am sure you missed your kids but you didn’t live it

WHAT? Did you actually read the messages? That is literally what I'm pointing out that this poster shouldn't do in this thread.

Oh shit, really?
I read it that you had searched for her on other threads and was using another one as ammo against her. Apologies if I’m confused about that

I guess you meant the claim I made about my son winning a scholarship and foregoing 2 super-selective grammar school places to attend boarding school? Just because these achievements are out of reach for you and yours, it doesn't mean they are out of reach for others too.

Happy to say across several generations my family has independent school scholarships coming out of our ears. And a history of boarding (very happily) at prep and public school.

But we have never considered boarding to be ‘leaving home’ - because it has never been anything like leaving home for us. 🙇🏽‍♀️

Given your stance on here
Safe to assume that if one of them decided to send their child to boarding school - you would pour scorn and horror all over their decision and make them feel thoroughly judged.

@lessofallthisunpleasantness

Re your advice not to contact a child too much as it makes it harder for both.

I'm in no doubt that it works in terms of each missing the other less. Distance yourselves, let the attachment fracture, boarding becomes easier for all.

It's exactly this kind of thing that seems so distasteful to people.

As for your child not responding to your messages or sharing with you when he comes home - you can tell yourself it's because he's a boy or because he's too busy, but to an outsider it's quite obvious. He's sufficiently distanced from you now.

Ok but I haven't actually said the OP is a terrible parent or anything remotely similar. I have only stated some of the downsides of boarding in the context of an evolving conversation, which I have been told not to do. Ultimately if it's acceptable for the OP and other boarding mummies to say that boarding is good because of xyz then it's acceptable for me to say boarding is bad because of xyz.

I also commented that it's self indulgent for "boarding mummies" to paint themselves as the victim when the decision to board is far more impactful on their children than it is for them. Your analogy to my child's potential gut issues isn't a good one as her issues are not the result of a parenting decision I made. If I'd started a thread saying my child has dental decay because I put Coca Cola in their bottle and said it's so hard on me and asked for sympathy, then yes I'd expect people to respond disagreeing with my parenting decisions and telling me they don't sympathise!

@Hoppinggreen thank you for sticking up for me! :)

They are able to get doctors appointments or see the school nurse but they don't have confidentiality at them

They actually do, at least these days, which can cause its own issues. The interaction between safeguarding and medical confidentiality is a fraught one and could fill an entire thread on its own.

Oh ok, that's good I suppose. I always thought we didn't have it because a nurse shared my private information but maybe I was supposed to have confidentiality when I was there too and they just breached it. That wouldn't surprise me.

You are right it's a complex issue!

@absolutelyanythingwilldo "Shall we come and join your thread about how your baby won't stop pooing and tell you how terrible you are? Would you be alright with us doing that AND you're not allowed to say anything back?"

Also - what total nonsense. I've never said you can't say anything back. Not once. I like it when you respond because it keeps the conversation going and gives me more opportunity to discuss this topic. It is, in fact, the other way round, you and the other poster are repeatedly telling me not to contribute to the thread, to post in different threads, that my view is invalid because I'm not a parent of a boarder, or because it's based on a prior history of boarding, or because it's anecdotal and only positive anecdotes are worthy of meaning. Even a PP who posted about their sexual abuse at boarding school was told not to mention it because it apparently wasn't a nice thing for the poor sensitive OP to read. That was what prompted me to rejoin the thread, actually.

Did you read the Op

she didn’t express the slightest concern about sexual abuse. The op is about missing her boy.

It is like someone coming to your thread about pooing and talking about fact their children got diagnosed with bowel cancer

@Doingprettywellthanks

This is the sort of petty attempted censorship I'm talking about. Firstly, she didn't post that as a direct response to the OP but rather as part of an ongoing discussion with other posters which is completely fine as this is a discussion board, with a "reply" feature in the posts and not a Q&A! Secondly, it's really nobodys place to tell a sexual abuse victim to keep quiet about their experiences. And thirdly, sometimes poo problems can actually be indicative of bowel cancer so I'm not sure you're making the point you were trying to make.

But go ahead and keep trying to stop people posting if you don't like their posts. It's just not going to work in my case, that's all.

@Lilgamesh2

have you heard of the stately homes thread by any chance?

If you don’t do some serious adjusting by the time your child(ren) reaches…. Early teens, then your relationship with your child will start to deteriorate

I am not talking about your views on boarding school. I am talking about your tunnel vision on views, your hyperbole, your essentially “my way or the high way”

Needless to say - you will come back to this post with your arms flailing but take it from someone who has many years of experience with teens - you are heading for dark times if you don’t soften up a bit

@muppetsmum - so to get back to your point , my thinking is you will get into a rhythm - so the four or whatever nights a week will just become "A thing" - Also phones skype etc . Just give it a little time and the cadence of family life I am sure will reassert itself. I wish you and your son well

@Doingprettywellthanks so many parallels between this and a recent thread you posted on about 50/50 parenting, do you remember it?

The OP was asking for specific advice on the financial aspect of 50/50 parenting, and your reply was that 50/50 parenting was shit for children. I believe you may have had a bad experience yourself as a child regarding this? Thing is, she wasn't asking for people's experiences was she.

What's the difference here?

No bad experience

but you are absolutely right. I took that one off on a tangent and that was wrong so I ducked out early

Easy to do when you feel strongly about something, especially when it comes to how you believe it affects children.