First time boarding - missing DS so, so much

[muppetsmum]

We dropped our DS off yesterday to start weekly boarding at Y9. He totally wanted to do it, it's a fabulous school about an hour away and I know that it is absolutely the best thing for him as he is bright, sporty, musical and outgoing and will thrive with so many more opportunities than he will get at a day school around here. I have another daughter who is going into Y11at a day school so thankfully, she is still at home. I always knew this would be tough but it's even worse than I thought. It feels so final and like every time he's back, it will be 'on borrowed time'. He's obviously been away before, even for a week, but it feels like his 'life force' has left the house now. I keep looking at the back door and the fourth chair at the table and thinking that he'll never walk home from school through the door again, and of all the meals with only three of us at the table. I realise this is really self-indulgent, so many people in worse situations than me, even my daughter said to me 'He's not dead, Mum'. Every time I see something of his, tears come to my eyes. We have a very close relationship, we're very similar in many ways. Of course I'm so lucky that my daughter is here and she is an amazing girl, but somehow I can't seem to find consolation in that and that makes me feel guilty, like maybe I don't love her as much (obviously not true). Is this at all normal or am I totally over-reacting? I am a very emotional person, often overly so, but generally of sound and sturdy mental health with a good network of friends (who seem to cope much more sensibly than me with their kids boarding). Is this even vaguely normal? I know this is very early days but can anyone tell me how long it takes to start adjusting? How the heck do people manage to do full boarding or go overseas and not see their kids for weeks/months on end???

Still not convincing me this isn’t incredibly crass and insensitive. I think everyone can understand missing your child a lot. Comparing missing your child who is coming back regularly to a bereavement is appalling.

Oh give over, what a ridiculous way to twist my words. I didn't say my daughter's brain was fully developed and she is definitely not a "cognitive anomaly" just that she could justify her reasons. We talked through all the pro's and cons we could see from an adult perspective too and she took them on board and made her decision. Your brain doesn't have to be 100% developed to reason things out and come to a well-rounded conclusion. She also knew and still does, that she can change her mind. And let's face it, many adults whose brains are technically 100% developed make rubbish choices...

Perhaps because all of her friends were going to boarding school and she was excited to go as well 🤔

How many families have all their meals together in the week?
Many families with teens have breakfast separately depending on times they need to leave the house.
Many families eat at different times in the evening dependent on after school activities, or even eat on the run in the car to fit everything in.

Some people are happy for their 11yos to have an hour journey to school each way to get to a grammar school. Boarding negates the need for daily commute for the teen.

Teen years are years when teens naturally start to separate from parents in preparation for adulthood. Weekly boarding lets them do it in a safe environment. You can 'touch base' with your teen daily even if they are weekly boarding.

I'm not a great fan of full boarding, but I think weekly is way way different.

I genuinely don't care what you think. Feel free to scroll on by if you don't like it.

Comparing a child being sent voluntarily for weekly boarding to a bereavement is genuinely one of the crassest and most offensive things I have seen in ten years on Mumsnet.

Yes, I do - The wonderful opportunity that boarding at this particular school offered that she would not have been able to have if she had lived at home and gone to a nearer school.

I made lots of excuses to see her

Imagine having to think of excuses to justify seeing your child ☹️

What ‘trolls’?
Do you think people who disagree with you are trolls? 😄
Theres a flouncers corner, you don’t need to announce your leaving the site, it’s ok, no one cares.

Feel free to scroll past the replies then if you don’t like them. But I hope you don’t share your “feelings” with anyone outside MN either because it’s incredibly offensive.

I would have loved to go to boarding school. I've always been fiercely independent and would have enjoyed the experience of living away from home. Instead I had a couple of residential trips which were great. He's gone there by choice, no need for all the negativity.

I fully see that some posters think their kids are well able to make these decisions for themselves. And maybe they are. But my kids will go to a boarding school over my dead body because while they are under 18 it’s my decision, not theirs.

He'll have a ball and yes you are being a bit of a wimp. He'll be back at weekends FGS.

The anti-boarders can all bugger off - it's an amazing opportunity and weekly is best of both worlds.

If you’ve all gone into this with your eyes wide open then you’ll just have to keep busy so that the times passes more quickly. If your da really understands what he’s signed up to he’ll probably be having a great time.
it’s only weekly boarding so not long at all until he’s home for a couple of nights

Perfectly normal. When our eldest (18) left for a remote gap year I waved him off at the airport then sobbed for three weeks. I cried even harder when the last one left the nest for university. I don't think either of them looked back or shed a tear; liberated and excited.

If you did a good job, they do come back.

And that's 100% fine. As I've said upthread, it's definitely not for some families. In fact, I know children who I would be very against going to boarding school, even if they personally wanted to. But this thread isn't about the pro's and cons of boarding, which unfortunately it has descended into, it's about supporting a mother who is going through something.

I never said I was the thread police. I said I thought your comparison to bereavement was insensitive. And it is. Defend it all you like but the more you do, the more you are making yourself come across as even more insensitive.

I boarded as a 6th former and loved it- only weekly. For some children it’s great and they excel with the sporting activities and focus on a their studies. Yes some use it as a way to dump their kids but a lot of people have to do the same with their little ones as they are in nursery for long days due to peoples long commutes etc, they have no choice esp. with the economy . Do we judge the parents of nursery kids? No! Your adjust and hopefully enjoy seeing your son when you do.

If you don't think that her brain is fully developed then why were you making the point that she is more mature than most 18yos and has been saving to buy a property for several years? It read as if you were justifying letting her make the decision to board at 13yo?

Either you think she is cognitively advanced or you don't.

Good luck with under-18's who tell you everything and don't make lifechanging big decisions, LOL.

Op ignore the posts that you don't find helpful.

The worst of this pain will pass in the next few weeks, and then you will start to enjoy watching your son grow and develop. The holidays and weekends when he is at home will be so special, and that moment when you have them back in your arms is priceless.
My dd took us all for granted until she went to boarding, now she comes home and enjoys being with us much more, full of stories and adventures - the best of both worlds. Independence and time at home. The friendships he will make will be for life, and he will be more than ready as a young man to enter the world by the time he leaves. Be confident in your decisions.

For us boarding school HAS been like Harry Potter/Mallory Towers and lots of dd's friends travel across continents to enjoy the experience.

I understand your earlier point now. It's very similar to a bereavement. What with the way they come home at weekends and holidays.

I don't suppose there have been many instances of children enrolling themselves in boarding school and financing it against their parents' wishes, LOL

Oh op 13yr olds don't know what best for them. That's what parent's are for, so of course a sleepover at school sounds like fun.
They grow up and leave for uni or whatever so very quickly I'd be hanging on to those formative important young teen years as long as possible. Obviously too late now but I've really no idea why parents send their kids away to be cared for 24/7 by teachers.