First time boarding - missing DS so, so much

[muppetsmum]

We dropped our DS off yesterday to start weekly boarding at Y9. He totally wanted to do it, it's a fabulous school about an hour away and I know that it is absolutely the best thing for him as he is bright, sporty, musical and outgoing and will thrive with so many more opportunities than he will get at a day school around here. I have another daughter who is going into Y11at a day school so thankfully, she is still at home. I always knew this would be tough but it's even worse than I thought. It feels so final and like every time he's back, it will be 'on borrowed time'. He's obviously been away before, even for a week, but it feels like his 'life force' has left the house now. I keep looking at the back door and the fourth chair at the table and thinking that he'll never walk home from school through the door again, and of all the meals with only three of us at the table. I realise this is really self-indulgent, so many people in worse situations than me, even my daughter said to me 'He's not dead, Mum'. Every time I see something of his, tears come to my eyes. We have a very close relationship, we're very similar in many ways. Of course I'm so lucky that my daughter is here and she is an amazing girl, but somehow I can't seem to find consolation in that and that makes me feel guilty, like maybe I don't love her as much (obviously not true). Is this at all normal or am I totally over-reacting? I am a very emotional person, often overly so, but generally of sound and sturdy mental health with a good network of friends (who seem to cope much more sensibly than me with their kids boarding). Is this even vaguely normal? I know this is very early days but can anyone tell me how long it takes to start adjusting? How the heck do people manage to do full boarding or go overseas and not see their kids for weeks/months on end???

Comparing going to boarding school to be like a bereavement for a parent has to be the most insensitive thing I have ever read on mumsnet and I've been on mumsnet a long time. What a stupid, crass and ignorant thing to say.

Oh come on, it's not in any child's best interests to be removed from their home and parents (assuming no abuse). People can dress it up as the wonderful opportunities that they'll have but it's just bollocks, you must know that.

What 13 year old is equipped with the life experience to make that decision for themself? None.

This. The replies saying essentially 'He's 13, it's his call' are so strange to me. Thirteen is not 18 or even 16. Of course you miss him. He belong at home. Can't imagine what "opportunities" are worth being apart for. Sports and music can all be done closer to home and placing more value on opportunities - and things like 'beautiful grounds' (!) - than on sitting in that fourth chair at your dinner table just feels weird to me, and the vast majority of mums most likely. Sorry not to be one of those few telling you it's fine and you'll stop feeling these things. It's natural to feel them now. When they go to uni, less so. At least he'll be back at the weekend, and maybe he'll be having second thoughts too and you can rethink.

He's boarding, he's not joined the navy 🙄

Meh
situation of your own doing
you sent him away
own it 🤷‍♀️

I can well imagine you feel very sad op.

You have gone from daily contact, to two days a week. You liked his company and know that at 13, you most likely only had another 5 years till he left home.

This decision has accelerated his childhood and it would be nigh on impossible to go back.

I think you need to mourn what you have lost and then accept that you are on a new pathway.

What has the navy got to do with anything

Same here.
Nothing could persuade me at that age.

the way you and others are going on it's as if he's joined the navy and gone to sea rather than just boarding at his school.

i thought it was obvious and didn't need spelling out, sorry.

It felt just like that to me, like she had died, I can only describe MY feelings and I have had plenty of bereavements to compare it to. I couldn't eat, or sleep or function for the first 3/4 weeks - the loss of her presence was so acute.

This is such a shitty thing to say. When your child dies they aren't off getting an education somewhere, you can't phone them, you aren't looking forward to seeing what their future brings, you don't have Christmas, holidays, birthdays and weekends to look forward to. You clearly have NO fucking idea what it feels like. You missed your kid while knowing she was OK, that's normal ffs.

Op, I know it's strange as you get used to this new normal, it will all pay off when you see him at weekends, happy and thriving

Wow! I knew Mumsnet could be a place vicious judgey bitches but this thread is the worst I've seen for a while.
OP ignore the snarling criticisms. You did what was right for your family. I boarded at 13 and had a ball, every night I hung out with all my mates and laughed. We were a proper gang of friends, in fact on Saturday I held a party celebrating 30 years since we met.
My eldest DD also begged to board, we really didn't think we could afford it but she got a great scholarship and hasn't looked back. The school really suits her and she can't wait until term starts again. Yes we miss her and yes it was very tough but I would say our relationship is better than it's ever been, we speak every day, I am really involved in her life and she's had the most incredible time. Boarding school is nothing like it was 50 years ago, if it suits your son he will be having a blast and will be home very soon.
And yes, missing them does get lots easier!

No I think you’re completely deluded. The child making the choice to go because it will be fun and they enjoy themselves is completely different to being sent by parents.

They’re not being removed and they can choose to come home every week if they want.

I hope you wouldn't mention your child at boarding school to anyone whose child had actually died.

So when is the right age? You could say the same for those going off to university? My 13 year old is more mature and has better powers of reasoning than many 18 year olds that I have come across. For the past few years she has been saving all her birthday and Christmas money. Well, she spends some on books as she loves to read, but the rest, she is saving for a house! Can the same be said for many 18 year olds?

Please don't tar and insult all 13 year olds with the same brush. Some DO know want they want, they can reason the pros and cons and come to the conclusion what is in their best interests.

Don't be ridiculous.

If I had the money and mine wanted to I'd send them like a shot. Although I am a lone parent who's had enough which may be clouding my judgement.
My DS goes to an activity at a local boarding school and it's quite clear how many more opportunities and activities those children have compared to mine.

The irony of you telling that poster not to be ridiculous.

I really wanted to go to boarding school
as a child because I loved boarding school
stories. I can totally imagine a kid being really enthusiastic about it. But of course it’s not an informed choice! They won’t ever have done it. Some will go on to love it, others will hate it, most are probably in between. As a parent you will probably never know which category your child really falls into.

No matter how much my children begged me to go, whatever the opportunities were, I wouldn’t sign up to something that meant I only got to see them at weekends.

Have you been able to speak to him / FaceTime? He's not gone gone, he'll be back and you will be fine. If it doesn't work out, you can rethink. Honestly, nothing is set in stone. In the meantime, you need to adjust and like everything it will get easier. Try and reframe it and be excited for him - nothing stays the same for ever so be glad for what you've had, what you've got and most of all what is to come. Will there be matches etc you can go to? Arrange some fun stuff for yourself or you and DD to take your mind off it - and he'll be back around the table before you know it.

When I was 12 I did entrance exams for secondary school. I was very clear about the schools I disliked and didn’t want to apply for, and the ones I did.

I selected 3 to try for, and, as I luckily got into all of them, I was able to choose my favourite. Definitely the right school for me, really enjoyed it.

Now, are the posters here saying I was not able to make that choice at 12? I couldn’t evaluate likes and dislikes, pros and cons of different schools come to a decision that worked for me?

If a child at 12/13 wants to go to a school that specialises in sport or music or dance or performing arts - are they too young to make that choice?

It sounds as if some posters think 13 year olds have no agency.

A 13 year old's brain is still in development (every 13 year old apart from yours) so it's not insulting to suggest that they still need parental guidance and we don't just let them do whatever they want.

Your DD is clearly a cognitive anomaly in this respect so it's completely irrelevant.

Well you haven't been on here for very long then! Jesus. People can feel their feelings and describe them how they like. I didn't say it was the SAME as a child bereavement. Just the loss felt similar to the bereavements in the past, an aching loss. You are not the thread police. People can and will talk about their feelings without YOU shutting them down.

If you haven't had this experience, I wouldn't expect you to know. I am very close to my dc, the silence and looking at her room was pure agony. Even the dog was whining and sitting outside her door. It is okay to miss people, and still be happy for them!

My little wallflower blossomed into the most confident teen in the time she was at school, she is very very happy. So no regrets.

You will get the best bits of your son op, not the nagging, the endless clubs and homework and stress.

Who is boasting? But of course it is something to be be proud of, my daughter didn't "beg" to go, she's not a dog! She asked, made a reasoned argument for doing so, to which we agreed it was the best (and most difficult for us!) decision to make.

Can people really not understand that not all children are the same and what might not be right for one child and their family might be right for another?

Are you really calling me a liar and that you actually know that really my daughter begged to live in a horrid school being bullied just to get away from me?! 😂

I was quoting a poster that said their child begged to board as if it was a good thing.

And I didn’t call you a liar. I don’t know why your daughter didn’t want to live at home any more, do you?