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First time boarding - missing DS so, so much

459 replies

muppetsmum · 05/09/2022 14:47

We dropped our DS off yesterday to start weekly boarding at Y9. He totally wanted to do it, it's a fabulous school about an hour away and I know that it is absolutely the best thing for him as he is bright, sporty, musical and outgoing and will thrive with so many more opportunities than he will get at a day school around here. I have another daughter who is going into Y11at a day school so thankfully, she is still at home. I always knew this would be tough but it's even worse than I thought. It feels so final and like every time he's back, it will be 'on borrowed time'. He's obviously been away before, even for a week, but it feels like his 'life force' has left the house now. I keep looking at the back door and the fourth chair at the table and thinking that he'll never walk home from school through the door again, and of all the meals with only three of us at the table. I realise this is really self-indulgent, so many people in worse situations than me, even my daughter said to me 'He's not dead, Mum'. Every time I see something of his, tears come to my eyes. We have a very close relationship, we're very similar in many ways. Of course I'm so lucky that my daughter is here and she is an amazing girl, but somehow I can't seem to find consolation in that and that makes me feel guilty, like maybe I don't love her as much (obviously not true). Is this at all normal or am I totally over-reacting? I am a very emotional person, often overly so, but generally of sound and sturdy mental health with a good network of friends (who seem to cope much more sensibly than me with their kids boarding). Is this even vaguely normal? I know this is very early days but can anyone tell me how long it takes to start adjusting? How the heck do people manage to do full boarding or go overseas and not see their kids for weeks/months on end???

OP posts:
Doingprettywellthanks · 08/09/2022 15:05

O11 · 08/09/2022 14:58

Easy to do when you feel strongly about something, especially when it comes to how you believe it affects children.

That is a good poont

but I realised how inappropriate it was very soon after taking that thread off on a tangent. My strong beliefs were simply not appropriate. In any event, it was a battle I was never going to “win”. Why? Because we each have unique family set ups and personalities.

O11 · 08/09/2022 15:12

If the 50/50 thread hadn't been about finance, but more like this what would you have thought?

"I pushed for 50/50 parenting but now I really miss my child when they're not with me"

You probably would have thought well boo hoo, you chose it, and it's shit for the child anyway. And you may not have ducked out so quickly, who knows

Doingprettywellthanks · 08/09/2022 15:13

Your precious two posts made sense to me and I agreed

the last one - I don’t get. But I’ll bow out anyway

Lilgamesh2 · 08/09/2022 15:17

@Doingprettywellthanks it'll take a look at that thread as I've not heard of it but if your only rebuttal is to warn me of a hypothetical weak relationship I may have with hypothetical teens... that's pretty weak.

What hyperbole are you referring to?

Lilgamesh2 · 08/09/2022 15:21

@Doingprettywellthanks ok found it. The stately homes thread I saw said it was for adult children of abusive parents. What had that got to do with me?

absolutelyanythingwilldo · 08/09/2022 18:58

Hoppinggreen · 08/09/2022 08:48

Oh shit, really?
I read it that you had searched for her on other threads and was using another one as ammo against her. Apologies if I’m confused about that

Yeah, that's not a personal attack though is it? You just wanted to kick up a stink because you want the actual personal attacks the anti-boarders have been making to continue.

hewouldwouldnthe · 08/09/2022 19:04

I would be secretly hoping he hated it and wanted to continue as a day pupil. If he doesn't and loves it you will at least know he is happy and that should help you.

Xiaoxiong · 02/11/2022 21:07

Popping on here to say that because of this and other threads, MNHQ have created a Boarding board where people like the OP can post to ask for advice about boarding and choosing boarding schools (both state and independent) without every thread getting derailed by commenters who have nothing helpful to add but are against boarding full stop.

So thanks @muppetsmum - your thread has created something which will hopefully be helpful to others in future!

Schoolbore · 06/11/2022 22:07

goldfinchonthelawn · 05/09/2022 15:34

It's weekly boarding, so you will get to see him every weekend, won't you? Th epoint is, you are close. He is not going away for weeks at a time and returning to a busy, indifferent family. That is damaging to parent-child relationships. Weekly boarding isn't.

If it's any consolation, you stop seeing them anyway at around this age if they are the kind of child who is naturally very active at school. I never saw DS1. He was on the train at 7am to go to breakfast meetings for all sorts of clubs and often didn't get home until 9pm from after school activities, comatose with exhaustion and needing to be coaxed to eat and bathe. He would have loved weekly boarding and said so!

Make the most of your weekends - cook his favourite food, make sure his bed is really cosy and welcoming, insist he spends a bit of time with you discussing what he's been up to all week. Maybe get into a ritual of taking him out for breakfast or doing pancakes on Sundays or going for a family walk, so you can catch up with him.

This

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