First time boarding - missing DS so, so much

[muppetsmum]

We dropped our DS off yesterday to start weekly boarding at Y9. He totally wanted to do it, it's a fabulous school about an hour away and I know that it is absolutely the best thing for him as he is bright, sporty, musical and outgoing and will thrive with so many more opportunities than he will get at a day school around here. I have another daughter who is going into Y11at a day school so thankfully, she is still at home. I always knew this would be tough but it's even worse than I thought. It feels so final and like every time he's back, it will be 'on borrowed time'. He's obviously been away before, even for a week, but it feels like his 'life force' has left the house now. I keep looking at the back door and the fourth chair at the table and thinking that he'll never walk home from school through the door again, and of all the meals with only three of us at the table. I realise this is really self-indulgent, so many people in worse situations than me, even my daughter said to me 'He's not dead, Mum'. Every time I see something of his, tears come to my eyes. We have a very close relationship, we're very similar in many ways. Of course I'm so lucky that my daughter is here and she is an amazing girl, but somehow I can't seem to find consolation in that and that makes me feel guilty, like maybe I don't love her as much (obviously not true). Is this at all normal or am I totally over-reacting? I am a very emotional person, often overly so, but generally of sound and sturdy mental health with a good network of friends (who seem to cope much more sensibly than me with their kids boarding). Is this even vaguely normal? I know this is very early days but can anyone tell me how long it takes to start adjusting? How the heck do people manage to do full boarding or go overseas and not see their kids for weeks/months on end???

@IrisVersicolor

"I totally disagree that 13 year olds can’t make a decision to board for themselves, any more than they can’t make a decision they prefer day school.

In either case the school may not be as they expected, but that goes for any school. I chose my school from 3 I passed the entrance exam for - I had no idea what any of them would be like I just went with the one I liked the most.

The 2 teens I know who chose to board are very happy with their choice."

That's great. Anecdotal evidence is just that: anecdotal. As a child miserable at boarding school I also presented as confident and happy in the choice - because I didn't see it as a choice. I'd said I wanted to go, my parents made sacrifices to make it happen - I couldn't throw that all away by saying how much I hated it. That's MY anecdotal evidence. Children are children, however much they seem "capable of deciding". It works for some, not for others.

God I love my kids to much to send them away. You could always have said no to your child.

Hopefully not.
pack of bullies in that school.
Felicity Rivers was the worst - smug and fascist.

And violent.

Because quite a lot of the 18 year olds I have known are partying their money away and are not ready to to think of such future necessities as house deposits, surely that makes her "more mature" as she has thought about the future? And no, I don't think she is "cognitively advanced". She also still loves unicorns and her teddies...

Come on, @muppetsmum. Chin up. Your son is at a fantastic school, and if he isn't already having a great time, he soon will be doing. Obviously you miss him, but you'll be surprised how quickly the time goes. And your DS is only a weekly boarder (my DC were full boarders). You'll blink and he'll be back at home.

Ignore all the "I love my child too much to send them away" stuff. Sometimes you have to do things that you find uncomfortable precisely because you love them and you're doing what's right for them. I love my children more than anything, but I still "sent them away". Personally I think it's far worse/more damaging to send them to nursery when they're under 3 than it is to send them to boarding school at 13. But that's just my opinion.

There's never a 'one size fits all' answer to the boarding debate.

Nice stealth brag 😂

Don't you mean Darrell? Felicity was the little sister.

I too was very keen to board...The reality of it was utterly awful. Please make sure he knows he can change his mind, and try your best to get keep the lines of communication with him open and honest.

One of the worst things for me was how the boarding school experience made it almost impossible to be honest about how unhappy I was. The school was in hindsight very manipulative, with so much pressure to "succeed" in the environment, and shame if you were struggling. My parents had no idea how awful it was until after I'd been to therapy as an adult.

And I may just argue that maybe I love my child just as much because I allowed them to follow their dream rather than keeping them with me because I was selfishly going to miss them? 😉

BTW, OP, I always made it very clear that if the DC (who all wanted to go) found that they hated it once they got there, they needed to give it a reasonable shot and if they still didn't like it, they could move to a day school. So there was no pressure on them of the "well, you've made your bed and now you've got to lie in it" nature. There were a few bumpy bits, but that would be the same at any school.

When my son was 13 he would have loved the idea of going to boarding school to get away from his sister. Fortunately my son was not allowed to make a decision.

My ex went to an excellent rated (academically anyway) boarding school and he hated every moment of it and it totally warped his views on relationships for the rest of his life. There was bullying, abuse and cliques yet he never told his mother and always put on a brave face.

He is still in contact with some of his fellow schoolmates and they are all united in their loathing for the system and not a single one has sent their child away to board.

You have chosen to cut your son free from his "normal" family life at 13, it doesn't matter how much he claimed he wanted to go, at that age he isn't emotionally equipped to make that decision.

CatsAreCrackers · Today 17:46
At 13? Lol 😂

Huge thanks to those of you who have taken the time to read my post and digest the message I was trying to convey, have some relevant and supportive experiences and insights and then taken the time to post them. They have been hugely heartening and contained some great suggestions. Clearly there is much anti-boarding sentiment for which I don't feel this is the appropriate place though of course everyone has their own perspectives and experiences and is entitled to their own opinion. For those who have in essence been implying that my son's decision to board suggests that he is at best unhappy and at worst abused at home I can only stress that boarding is very much the norm from the school he was at until now, he knows plenty of older siblings who do it so I'm sure has an accurate understanding of the realities, and the clincher is that the best alternative school for him would have meant 2 hours every day on a bus which neither we nor he felt was tolerable. He certainly did not 'beg to leave home' and we certainly didn't choose to 'send him away' but he and we were all in agreement that this school will give him the best education and range of experiences for him. He worked very hard with great maturity to get in and we work very hard to make it possible for him.

"You will get the best bits of your son op, not the nagging, the endless clubs and homework and stress."

FFS - that's shocking. It's fundamentally important not to cherry-pick the "best bits" of your child. You do realise that, don't you?

The Stepford wives are the ones who aren’t sending their children to boarding school? Just clarifying, because your post makes zero sense.

I have no strong feelings either way on boarding school as it isn’t something that would ever financially be a possibility for us. I’m not sure how many working class and lower middle class children are being wrapped in cotton wool and given pronouns, whatever the fuck that means - you seem a bit confused.

What's so funny? Explain and I'll be happy to respond.

Nice considered post, @muppetsmum , as I'm sure some of the comments must have been very hurtful.
I hope your laddie is doing brilliantly!

Exactly
Having “begged” to go and seeing how much it’s cost financially etc it may well be hard for a child to express how they really feel about it.
Boarding school causes a lot of damage to SOME children and a lot of the tine the parents never know or know too late. A child may love it and flourish but equally they may not. Why risk that if you have other options?

So we either allow/send our children to live somewhere else or wrap them in cotton wool?
Those are not the only options

And you seem to be a bit confused about what a pronoun is and how it’s used

He's not 'living somewhere else' he's weekly boarding. Hell be at home as much as he's at school, more even.

If my 13 year old wanted to leave home I would be pretty upset too

FFS stop being nasty. He hasn't left home. He's staying over at school so he can make the most of a fabulous opportunity he doesn't have within commuting distance.

@muppetsmum I'm sorry you're upset. What hurts, hurts. But you will get used to it & you need to do some self talk to help yourself. Stop yourself dramatising everything. Reframe things like only 3 of us at the table' <sob>. Great opportunity for us to spend time with DD & when she's out each other.

No he won't walk in the back door after school, but he will come home at the weekend, full of the new experiences he's had!

you'll soon get used to the new rhythm of life. Be happy he's happy!

he'll be on an extended weekend home soon enough!

DD is right, he's not dead! & you're making her feel 'less than' by acting as if he is.

I think it’s completely understandable that you’re feeling this way and it’s lovely to see that you both have a good relationship.
Some people would love to send their 13year olds to boarding but can’t afford it, etc.

From the other side, I boarded every term from year 7 and it was (mostly) a lot of fun. Friendships were formed even more deeply and it was like having a sleepover every night.

He’s lucky to have the opportunity to do what he wanted. It’ll help make him even more independent.

I'm another one not convinced by this "but he chose to go.." mantra. My kids "choose" to do lots if things, but it doesn't mean I have to agree. Just say no? Nobody HAS to board. Very few do. It's far far from compulsory. If you want a "world class school" there are plenty of independent day schools. I would uproot and move near to one of them before I considered boarding.

I think what happens is that some parents put their kids into a local prep thinking it's a lovely school, but having no idea that they will be syphoned into the boarding route because that's what the majority do. So it almost gets normalised and you feel as if they are "missing out" somehow if they don't go. This is what happened to my friend and her son. She had no plan whatsoever for him to weekly board, but it's like a drip drip drip effect once in the prep school and they got steered into it. He only lasted a term. It made the family very unhappy and they realised there was no need for it at all.

Then there are the London families with kids in preps who send their kids weekly boarding in Berkshire or similar as a face-saving exercise when they don't get into St Paul's or the other super-competitive day school that are at the top of the league tables. They convince themselves that their child needs "all the sports facilities" or some such and good in and in about it as if boarding was really the plan all along.

OP, just give it half a term and remember that nothing is fixed in stone. No school is worth getting depressed over.