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First time boarding - missing DS so, so much

459 replies

muppetsmum · 05/09/2022 14:47

We dropped our DS off yesterday to start weekly boarding at Y9. He totally wanted to do it, it's a fabulous school about an hour away and I know that it is absolutely the best thing for him as he is bright, sporty, musical and outgoing and will thrive with so many more opportunities than he will get at a day school around here. I have another daughter who is going into Y11at a day school so thankfully, she is still at home. I always knew this would be tough but it's even worse than I thought. It feels so final and like every time he's back, it will be 'on borrowed time'. He's obviously been away before, even for a week, but it feels like his 'life force' has left the house now. I keep looking at the back door and the fourth chair at the table and thinking that he'll never walk home from school through the door again, and of all the meals with only three of us at the table. I realise this is really self-indulgent, so many people in worse situations than me, even my daughter said to me 'He's not dead, Mum'. Every time I see something of his, tears come to my eyes. We have a very close relationship, we're very similar in many ways. Of course I'm so lucky that my daughter is here and she is an amazing girl, but somehow I can't seem to find consolation in that and that makes me feel guilty, like maybe I don't love her as much (obviously not true). Is this at all normal or am I totally over-reacting? I am a very emotional person, often overly so, but generally of sound and sturdy mental health with a good network of friends (who seem to cope much more sensibly than me with their kids boarding). Is this even vaguely normal? I know this is very early days but can anyone tell me how long it takes to start adjusting? How the heck do people manage to do full boarding or go overseas and not see their kids for weeks/months on end???

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 05/09/2022 15:57

dworky · 05/09/2022 15:52

Oh pipe down, he's 13 & wanted to go.

No I won’t pipe down. It’s a public forum and I have a right to an opinion.
This child wanted to leave home and his parents let him so I find it a bit off that his mother is now upset and wants to know how to cope.
The best way to cope would have been not to let him go and/or question why he wanted to leave

shazzybazzy34 · 05/09/2022 15:58

All your own doing. You said yes.

Hoppinggreen · 05/09/2022 15:58

Festoonlights · 05/09/2022 15:53

You will get blasted on here op, it is a very anti boarding forum.

I can tell you it is like a bereavement, there are no words to describe it, only other parents will know the sick feeling and the dreadful loss, but it does pass, eventually it gets a little better each time they go. You know it is an amazing opportunity for him, and he will get so much out of it. So just hold tight and allow yourself to slowly recover/feel better.

If he is weekly boarding then you really haven't long to wait (I count down)
And if he is termly boarding exeat is not so far away.

Hugs, it is hard even when you know they will love it, and are so happy to go.

It’s not a bloody Bereavement, you don’t get a choice with those

A580Hojas · 05/09/2022 15:59

It's been one day! One!

Yes, I think you are being a wee bit self indulgent since you asked.

Festoonlights · 05/09/2022 16:00

So op should prevent her son from going to a world class school because she can't cope without him??

That is totally selfish. Holding back your child for your own benefit is likely to have consequences.

MuddlerInLaw · 05/09/2022 16:01

Completely failed to notice he’s only weekly boarding! So you’ll see him within days, rather than a couple of weeks (as is usual for full boarding).

You’ll get used to it, OP. Find a new thing to do for yourself - but also make sure you spend more time with your daughter, as I daresay the last few weeks at home have been all about her brother.

CatsAreCrackers · 05/09/2022 16:01

Take no notice of the "you sent your child away" brigade, they always pop up on boarding threads. Not all boarding schools are horrid and not all boarders are unwanted children that their parents want to outsource the care of. Some parents make a personal sacrifice for the wellbeing of their child. It's certainly not for every child but it's the right choice for some.

For many reasons, my daughter went to boarding school at the start of secondary school and DH and I lived overseas. We were still overseas when covid hit and we didn't see her for 7 months. That was really hard for her and us. Then we moved back to the UK.

She was 100% part of the original decision to board and then when we came back she 100% had the choice to stay boarding / go as a weekly or flexi boarder / go as a day girl or go to the local comp. I dropped her back for her 4th year boarding yesterday... She has blossomed and thrived there and that is wonderful.

It does get easier, and as long as he is happy, you slap on a smile, ask lots of questions and keep that close bond so that if there is a problem, he feels able to tell you. My daughter and I are very close and we've just had a brilliant long summer holiday together. I know pretty much all of the gossip from the school and dorms (not always the relevant names! ;) ), but she tells me the good, the bad and the ugly. She knows that if for any reason she is unhappy, she can leave the school immediately and she can decide on any other type of school and arrangement that she wants.

decafsoyaflatwhite · 05/09/2022 16:02

Festoonlights · 05/09/2022 15:53

You will get blasted on here op, it is a very anti boarding forum.

I can tell you it is like a bereavement, there are no words to describe it, only other parents will know the sick feeling and the dreadful loss, but it does pass, eventually it gets a little better each time they go. You know it is an amazing opportunity for him, and he will get so much out of it. So just hold tight and allow yourself to slowly recover/feel better.

If he is weekly boarding then you really haven't long to wait (I count down)
And if he is termly boarding exeat is not so far away.

Hugs, it is hard even when you know they will love it, and are so happy to go.

I agree the OP has got some really horrible responses on here, but I find it a very crass to compare your child going to boarding school (voluntarily and as a weekly boarder) to a bereavement. Your child is fine, they will be home on a regular basis and you can speak to them multiple times a day if you choose. It’s really not a ‘dreadful loss’.

FWIW OP, I know plenty of people who have been to boarding school in the last 15-20 years, and plenty of them loved it. It is pretty much equal to banishment on MN though…

Mumsafan · 05/09/2022 16:02

If it's weekly boarding I can't see the problem. What are you going to do when he goes to Uni?

bonnestar · 05/09/2022 16:02

Gosh, good luck OP with these replies!

I say this as the spouse of someone who went to boarding school aged 8, YES 8.

Hugely affected still by many issues but please be aware he will probably be having a much better time than any poor 8 year old ever could.

Keep busy, plan things to do when he's back etc

TeenDivided · 05/09/2022 16:03

I think weekly boarding is a great compromise.
He gets to do extra curriculars without travelling between everything.
He will be encouraged to do prep at set times so will stay on top of his work.
You don't need to nag him about bedtimes, prep or whatever.
You get to see him for quality time at weekends.
You can chat daily by facetime if he/you want to.

Ignore the people who are treating it like full time boarding in the 70s or 80s. Today's boarding is a world away. Plus how many parents on here complain their teen spends all their time in their room / on screens so hardly see them anyway?

IrisVersicolor · 05/09/2022 16:03

Hoppinggreen · 05/09/2022 15:57

No I won’t pipe down. It’s a public forum and I have a right to an opinion.
This child wanted to leave home and his parents let him so I find it a bit off that his mother is now upset and wants to know how to cope.
The best way to cope would have been not to let him go and/or question why he wanted to leave

He wanted to go and you think the ‘best way to cope’ would have been not to let him? To prioritise selfish parental feelings before what he really wants to do?

Candleabra · 05/09/2022 16:05

It’s not just like a bereavement. How insulting.
It was a choice to send him away.
I don’t care if he wanted to go.
My kids want to do all sorts of things that aren’t a good idea. I say no as I am the parent.
You need to own your decision and accept you will miss him and get on with it.

SisterGabriel · 05/09/2022 16:07

Can you have him home for a mid-week sleepover after sport on a Wednesday?

WorthThe · 05/09/2022 16:07

Oh gosh, so many unhelpful comments

I boarded for a year when I was 11 and it was FAB! Gained such independence, participated in lots of interesting events and activities, made lifelong friends...

It was mainly my dad's decision but I was very happy to go along with it. My mum told me after she found it difficult. I certainly missed her and home a lot at the start too.

It helped us to look ahead to the regular visits (a weekend every 3 weeks) and we spent lots of time together in the holidays.

It's so fresh OP, it will get better and there are real long term benefits.

IrisVersicolor · 05/09/2022 16:07

TeenDivided · 05/09/2022 16:03

I think weekly boarding is a great compromise.
He gets to do extra curriculars without travelling between everything.
He will be encouraged to do prep at set times so will stay on top of his work.
You don't need to nag him about bedtimes, prep or whatever.
You get to see him for quality time at weekends.
You can chat daily by facetime if he/you want to.

Ignore the people who are treating it like full time boarding in the 70s or 80s. Today's boarding is a world away. Plus how many parents on here complain their teen spends all their time in their room / on screens so hardly see them anyway?

This.

I know 2 kids who specifically asked to go to boarding school and are loving it.

One of whom is the DD of one of my oldest friends who was sent to boarding school, hated it and wasn’t allowed to leave. She tried her best to dissuade her DD, told her all about her negative experiences, but her DD was still absolutely committed to going. So in the end she let her, and her DD is very happy there.

Hoppinggreen · 05/09/2022 16:09

IrisVersicolor · 05/09/2022 16:03

He wanted to go and you think the ‘best way to cope’ would have been not to let him? To prioritise selfish parental feelings before what he really wants to do?

I would be asking why he wanted to leave home at 13.
To be fair there are a very tiny number of cases where a 13 year old is better living elsewhere such as for a sport or musical opportunity or (and I am not suggesting this is the case here) their home is not suitable for them.
Generally children should live at home with their parents unless there is a REALLY good reason why not and in most cases there isn’t. Of the people I went to school with there were probably 4 or 5 who were better off at Boarding school and for the vast majority there was no good reason for them to be there

IrisVersicolor · 05/09/2022 16:09

Candleabra · 05/09/2022 16:05

It’s not just like a bereavement. How insulting.
It was a choice to send him away.
I don’t care if he wanted to go.
My kids want to do all sorts of things that aren’t a good idea. I say no as I am the parent.
You need to own your decision and accept you will miss him and get on with it.

Who’s to say it’s ‘not a good idea’? If the child wants to go and enjoys it, in that case it’s a great idea.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 05/09/2022 16:11

ignore nasty posters
it may be a public forum but it is meant to be supportive
not a discussion about rights and wrongs of boarding school

Festoonlights · 05/09/2022 16:12

decafsoyaflatwhite · 05/09/2022 16:02

I agree the OP has got some really horrible responses on here, but I find it a very crass to compare your child going to boarding school (voluntarily and as a weekly boarder) to a bereavement. Your child is fine, they will be home on a regular basis and you can speak to them multiple times a day if you choose. It’s really not a ‘dreadful loss’.

FWIW OP, I know plenty of people who have been to boarding school in the last 15-20 years, and plenty of them loved it. It is pretty much equal to banishment on MN though…

It felt just like that to me, like she had died, I can only describe MY feelings and I have had plenty of bereavements to compare it to. I couldn't eat, or sleep or function for the first 3/4 weeks - the loss of her presence was so acute.

But she thrived and loved it! So who am I to hold her back, and it got easier and easier as time passed.

I made lots of excuses to see her!

Hbh17 · 05/09/2022 16:12

Seems a bit bizarre that parents are giving their child a fabulous opportunity and the best possible education & yet they are being criticised for it. He is a lucky boy and no doubt his parents will soon get used to the new set up.

1Wanda1 · 05/09/2022 16:13

Good Lord. Speaking of someone who also "chose to go" (but aged 8 in my case - 8!), and now a parent myself, I find it very difficult to understand the abdication of responsibility involved in "he chose to go". What 13 year old is equipped with the life experience to make that decision for themself? None.

He liked the idea, you liked the idea of the opportunity for him. He may like or loathe the reality. If the latter, he may or may not tell you.

I was a weekly boarder from 14 and that was much more tolerable for me than full boarding. I would much have preferred to have been living with my family though - as would all of my friends. The plus point is that now - in our 40s - we are still each others' closest friends and the experience of boarding, being made to live away from our families whilst being told how lucky we were for this privilege, is something we still only can relate to amongst ourselves.

Lolliepoppie · 05/09/2022 16:16

There are some horrible ignorant responses on here.

I get it OP, my DS wants to board (is a day pupil at a boarding school so knows what’s involved) and the only thing holding him back is me, as I can’t bear to let him yet. I hope that I can be selfless enough to let him next year.
I hear from other DP that it gets easier once they’ve come back for the weekend, you can reassure yourself that he’s happy and settled and you have got into a routine. Also, I’m guessing there will be matches you can go to to see him mid week?

mumof2many1943 · 05/09/2022 16:17

I am in your situation OP, my daughter has had to go to a Residential School as I am now a single parent (husband has died) and she has complex medical issues and it was not safe for her to be at home with just me as I have 3 others. I am heartbroken 💔 and issues her so much, it is not easy is it?

IrisVersicolor · 05/09/2022 16:17

Hoppinggreen · 05/09/2022 16:09

I would be asking why he wanted to leave home at 13.
To be fair there are a very tiny number of cases where a 13 year old is better living elsewhere such as for a sport or musical opportunity or (and I am not suggesting this is the case here) their home is not suitable for them.
Generally children should live at home with their parents unless there is a REALLY good reason why not and in most cases there isn’t. Of the people I went to school with there were probably 4 or 5 who were better off at Boarding school and for the vast majority there was no good reason for them to be there

He’s not actually leaving home he’s boarding during term time.

Kids are better off being at school they really want to go to and are happy at. It’s not just about music or sports. Boarding school really appeals to some kids - the location - many have beautiful grounds, the camaraderie, the team spirit, no commute - it all really works for them.