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First time boarding - missing DS so, so much

459 replies

muppetsmum · 05/09/2022 14:47

We dropped our DS off yesterday to start weekly boarding at Y9. He totally wanted to do it, it's a fabulous school about an hour away and I know that it is absolutely the best thing for him as he is bright, sporty, musical and outgoing and will thrive with so many more opportunities than he will get at a day school around here. I have another daughter who is going into Y11at a day school so thankfully, she is still at home. I always knew this would be tough but it's even worse than I thought. It feels so final and like every time he's back, it will be 'on borrowed time'. He's obviously been away before, even for a week, but it feels like his 'life force' has left the house now. I keep looking at the back door and the fourth chair at the table and thinking that he'll never walk home from school through the door again, and of all the meals with only three of us at the table. I realise this is really self-indulgent, so many people in worse situations than me, even my daughter said to me 'He's not dead, Mum'. Every time I see something of his, tears come to my eyes. We have a very close relationship, we're very similar in many ways. Of course I'm so lucky that my daughter is here and she is an amazing girl, but somehow I can't seem to find consolation in that and that makes me feel guilty, like maybe I don't love her as much (obviously not true). Is this at all normal or am I totally over-reacting? I am a very emotional person, often overly so, but generally of sound and sturdy mental health with a good network of friends (who seem to cope much more sensibly than me with their kids boarding). Is this even vaguely normal? I know this is very early days but can anyone tell me how long it takes to start adjusting? How the heck do people manage to do full boarding or go overseas and not see their kids for weeks/months on end???

OP posts:
mumof2many1943 · 05/09/2022 16:18

Issues??......miss!

OctopusBreath · 05/09/2022 16:19

I think that when children leave home at 17/18 ish, usually they've had time to grow away from parents, have developed their own independent lives, have naturally been able to mature and grow up in their home with their families. If this happens, by the time they leave, both parent and child instinctively know that the child will be alright, and that it is time. At that life stage, you're not transferring their care to an institution- You're allowing them to become independent. It will still hurt when an 18-year-old leaves, of course, but it's not the same as leaving a child.
When a child is removed from its home without having had that period of getting to grow away from parents, it's not giving them independence, it's a transfer of care to others. Completely up to you if that's the path you want for your own child, but it may be helpful to acknowledge it.

Hoppinggreen · 05/09/2022 16:19

mumof2many1943 · 05/09/2022 16:17

I am in your situation OP, my daughter has had to go to a Residential School as I am now a single parent (husband has died) and she has complex medical issues and it was not safe for her to be at home with just me as I have 3 others. I am heartbroken 💔 and issues her so much, it is not easy is it?

I am sorry for your loss.
Your situation sounds very different to OPs

maddiemookins16mum · 05/09/2022 16:20

My 13 year old once ‘wanted’ to go to a One Direction concert on a train with her pals (in Manchester). I said no.
YABU, boarding is not something I’d be proud of my child doing.

queenMab99 · 05/09/2022 16:21

You have presumably looked at the pros and cons and have decided between you that it is best. Just keep your mind on the advantages it will give him. I have no patience with people who bemoan their teens going to university etc. calling themselves empty nesters, and going into a decline over it. You are happy with your decision, get on with it!

Xiaoxiong · 05/09/2022 16:22

I would see this as completely normal evidence of attachment - imagine if you didn't feel this way, and felt completely indifferent. What would that say! Don't communicate your sadness to your son - it has to be his decision to go to boarding school, so don't make him feel like it's making you so sad he shouldn't be there. And don't communicate it to your daughter either as she will feel like you only care about your DS! I'd seize upon the opportunity to spend time 1:1 with her and make it a real positive if you can.

That being said, he's not gone forever, he's weekly boarding. I would hazard a guess that you're not currently working full-time if you were home before watching him walk in the back door from school every day - now's the time to make sure you're doing things for yourself, the best one is to work full-time again, whether that's in paid or voluntary employment.

Give him a few weeks to see how he's feeling, and definitely don't call him late at night, everything feels worse then (for him and for you). Daytime short catch-ups is best, and get ready for a lovely weekend at home having a lovely brunch or doing something nice as a family.

Madamecastafiore · 05/09/2022 16:22

DS is a weekly boarder, chose his school due to the sport he does and loves and excels at.

I didn't feel he's chosen to move out, he's still here a couple of nights a week, all homework done, no arguments or getting on each other's nerves, he's happy and we spend great family time together.

The week will fly by, maybe plan something lovely for the weekend and ask him lots of quest to reassure yourself that he's having fun n and enjoying the experience.

Clymene · 05/09/2022 16:23

@Festoonlights - this is bereavement

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/sep/03/13-year-old-daughter-dead-in-five-weeks-hospital-mistakes

Comparing choosing to send your child to boarding school with their death is utterly crass

queenMab99 · 05/09/2022 16:23

It is NOT like a bereavement!

MrsLargeEmbodied · 05/09/2022 16:24

will you face time op?
my dd is abroad and has just informed me they have a typhoon for 2 days
eek
i am scared for her.

your ds will be fine,
he is not far from home

IrisVersicolor · 05/09/2022 16:25

@1Wanda1

What 13 year old is equipped with the life experience to make that decision for themself? None.

I totally disagree that 13 year olds can’t make a decision to board for themselves, any more than they can’t make a decision they prefer day school.

In either case the school may not be as they expected, but that goes for any school. I chose my school from 3 I passed the entrance exam for - I had no idea what any of them would be like I just went with the one I liked the most.

The 2 teens I know who chose to board are very happy with their choice.

Bekind2yourself · 05/09/2022 16:27

Show some compassion!!

The responses from the trolls on here have finally confirmed my decision not to come back to this forum.

If you’re not trolls you really don’t know what you’re talking about. Flexi-boarding is not relinquishing motherhood.

💐OP for what you’re feeling
💐💐OP for having to deal with the haters

O11 · 05/09/2022 16:28

Hbh17 · 05/09/2022 16:12

Seems a bit bizarre that parents are giving their child a fabulous opportunity and the best possible education & yet they are being criticised for it. He is a lucky boy and no doubt his parents will soon get used to the new set up.

A fabulous opportunity to grow up resenting your parents and a lifetime of attachment issues perhaps.

OP yes what you are experiencing is normal. That's why most parents wouldn't dream of it.

NCHammer2022 · 05/09/2022 16:29

Festoonlights · 05/09/2022 15:53

You will get blasted on here op, it is a very anti boarding forum.

I can tell you it is like a bereavement, there are no words to describe it, only other parents will know the sick feeling and the dreadful loss, but it does pass, eventually it gets a little better each time they go. You know it is an amazing opportunity for him, and he will get so much out of it. So just hold tight and allow yourself to slowly recover/feel better.

If he is weekly boarding then you really haven't long to wait (I count down)
And if he is termly boarding exeat is not so far away.

Hugs, it is hard even when you know they will love it, and are so happy to go.

Of course it’s not like a fucking bereavement, they have chosen this and the child will be back at the weekend. On what planet is that like a bereavement?

CatsAreCrackers · 05/09/2022 16:29

maddiemookins16mum · 05/09/2022 16:20

My 13 year old once ‘wanted’ to go to a One Direction concert on a train with her pals (in Manchester). I said no.
YABU, boarding is not something I’d be proud of my child doing.

Sorry, but that is a bizarre and irrelevant comparison! Going off on a train to a gig with thousands of strangers in the mix is entirely different to a child going to a carefully chosen boarding school with paid staff caring for them!

I'm incredibly proud of my daughter's choice to take the chance and experience the life she is having. It was a chance that has proved perfect for her that she loves and continues to choose to do. And yes, she does love me too before you say I must be a horrible mother with an awful home for her to want to be elsewhere.

IrisVersicolor · 05/09/2022 16:31

O11 · 05/09/2022 16:28

A fabulous opportunity to grow up resenting your parents and a lifetime of attachment issues perhaps.

OP yes what you are experiencing is normal. That's why most parents wouldn't dream of it.

This makes no sense. Why would the child resent their parents - they wanted to go?

They’d be more likely to resent their parents for not allowing them to go, surely?

O11 · 05/09/2022 16:32

IrisVersicolor · 05/09/2022 16:31

This makes no sense. Why would the child resent their parents - they wanted to go?

They’d be more likely to resent their parents for not allowing them to go, surely?

There are lots of things 13 year olds might want to do which aren't in their best interests. Then they grow up and realise their parents were right.

Thatsthatthen87 · 05/09/2022 16:32

Blimey, how the other half live!

Thatsthatthen87 · 05/09/2022 16:33

Wait though, is boarding school not like Malory Towers?

Greyarea12 · 05/09/2022 16:35

It sounds like you are grieving that loss - the loss of routine and familiarity that you had with your Son that you know you are unlikely to get back and therefore you are experiencing a loss of sorts. It will take time but you will get used to it. (I dont have any experience of this particular situation btw) but I did want to say that as time progresses you will make a new routine and have a new familiarity with weekends. Just let everything I suppose - time will help.

IrisVersicolor · 05/09/2022 16:35

O11 · 05/09/2022 16:32

There are lots of things 13 year olds might want to do which aren't in their best interests. Then they grow up and realise their parents were right.

If they’re happy at the school then it is in their best interest no?

Who are you to say what’s in the best interests of a child you’ve never met?

theresnolimits · 05/09/2022 16:36

My two wanted to do all sorts at 13 - I'm very glad as a parent I didn't let them.

Personally I would have felt he would be gone soon enough (once they leave for uni at 18 it's never the same) and I would have wanted him home to talk through his day, chat about any issues he might have and just have a daily shared life as a family which you can all look back on.

But you've made your decision so there's no point in mourning for what is now lost. You must have weighed up the positives as you saw them - that's your mantra, together with 'it's not about you'. Hug that daughter hard - you'll miss her in the same way when she's gone.

EarthlyNightshade · 05/09/2022 16:38

I'd be a bit concerned about how your DD might be feeling if it is very clear to her how much you miss him.
Otherwise, I am sure you will start to feel better after a few weeks, you'll see him every weekend and you'll get used to a new routine.
I think it is a bit hard for day school parents to imagine sending a child away, I loved those years 13-16, I'd be a lot less concerned about sending my 16 year old away though, if I could find a fabulous school to take him!

LaundryBin · 05/09/2022 16:39

Some real twats on this thread 🙄

OP, I boarded from a similar age and had an absolute ball. I'll be honest, I never thought about how it might affect my parents and how they might be missing me. You've chosen a school based on what your son wanted and what you thought would be best for him. You've put yourself last and this is what that is like. Hugs to you- he'll be back before you know it and it will get easier.

TeenDivided · 05/09/2022 16:40

State schools have 190 teaching days. Private schools have fewer.
Given he is weekly boarding the OP is likely to see her DS on every non teaching day, so at least 175 days. Hardly moving out or never seeing him.
OP, I'm sure your life will soon adjust to a new weekly rhythm, and hopefully your son will grow in confidence has his experiences and horizons expand.

(Just make sure you don't kill the proverbial fatted calf every time he is home and make your DD feel overlooked.)

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