Boarding school - respectful but ?emotive question for parents

[TheLieInTheBitchNTheFloordrobe]

This is meant in a very respectful, genuine way, but I realise it may be emotive.

To parents whose children are full time boarders: do you have any difficult feelings about being separated from your children for so much of the time?

To adult children who were full time boarders: what was your experience? Do/did you have any negative emotions about it?

I hated it and only boarded for two years. I think my parents were relieved to be without me for that time, frankly, though they did visit regularly and obviously I went home for holidays.

There was no escape from staff and other girls, no privacy.

I boarded from the age of 8.
Now I'm an adult I realise how lonely I was and how much it affected me. I am not close to my parents and have never felt like a priority for them.
That said, I'm not sure they would have been better parents to me had I been at home.
I got an excellent education, as did my siblings, and we have all gone on to have well paid careers.
My children are still too young, but I do wonder what to do with regard to their schooling.
I want them to have the best education and school experience, but not at the price I paid.

Absolutely loved it. It was the correct choice for me and the best place for me to reach my potential. It improved my relationship with both parents and siblings no end.

I know that both parents missed me very much.

Very positive experience for all involved and would opt for it, if it was right for my own.

My DM went from the age of 8-16 (1950s-60s). I think she enjoyed it later on when she was in her teens - she seemed to have quite an Enid Blyton-style experience with midnight feasts and sitting up listening to the radio - but she was very lonely at first and missed her mum terribly. It was her dad’s idea that she went - they lived very rurally and apparently the tiny local school wasn’t well run and the secondaries weren’t considered very good either.

My eldest DC turns 8 this year and I couldn’t imagine him being away from me!

Why do you ask OP?

I lived in a wealthy Hampshire village and went to the local primary and secondary schools (both excellent) and then local college and away to uni. I used to babysit a lot of the local kids in the school holidays as a teen many of whom boarded. They usually have very ‘complicated’ and often quite intense relationships with their parents compared to the children who lives at home, whether private or state education. There was an ease and happiness to the children who lived at home. Hard to explain but I babysat about 20 families and it was really clear who sent them away.

Personally now I have kids it’s unimaginable to me why anyone would send their children away for a whole term.

I was sent to board at 7. Sadly has negatively affected me for my entire life. Won't be true for everyone but it's true for me. Boarding School Syndrome.

I loved it. I'm now contemplating it for my DCs (though they'd be much older than I was when I started, I was 7) and I'm terrified by how much I will miss them. But the opportunities they'll have.... DS super look both music and drama - his current school has no orchestra and very little drama so he does youth theatre - which is the same time as the local youth orchestra, etc. Not an issue at boarding school.... nor would he have to spend time travelling too and from school, so more time for practice (fitting in two instruments a day plus other clubs and homework is a stretch etc.) He really wants to go.

Very interestingz and sad, thread on Boarding School Syndrome, on Twitter. Particularly concerns children sent very young 7-11. Comments on Boris and others in power who have gone through this system.

@StoatMilk I’ll be completely honest, and I hope this doesn’t annoy anyone, but I’m just curious after seeing a few threads on Mumsnet about boarding schools.

Private education is quite far removed from the life I live, and I suppose I’ve never really given any thought to boarding schools before. Seeing it mentioned and thinking about the concept of child and parent being separated in this way led me to conclude that there must be some often unshared and specific emotions that come up around it.

DH and several generations above him all boarded. They all really fucked up senses of what a family unit is. His parents now regret sending him and his sister but their lives were forever changed. It really made me see although my education was nowhere as good as is, there's so much more to a kids upbringing than education

Im thinking about it for my eldest son. He's September born and so would be almost 14 when he would start in year 9. My son is very robust and always has been, he's always been independent since around age 4 and wanting to do things his own way, and he's really never listened to me. He's very confident and doesnt care who he's with. For example in lock down joined a new school in y3 then was in a key worker group with random children he barely new and staff- it didnt phase him at all. I just think he's got the right character for boarding. Ive got 2 other children and they are more sensitive and closer to me. They've been raised the same way but the eldest has always just been raring to go and super confident. That's why im considering boarding for him.

It depends so much on the child. I felt a huge underlying stress aged 8 yet looked so happy on the outside . I still have an extremely close relationship with my family who are amazing.
I was once asked my best friend her experience who also boarded at 8 and she only had positive things to say (and is now a very happy and successful adult).
DS has optional boarding at moment aged 10 and chooses to part time and seems to thrive on it and have more fun with his friends , so I try and be open minded. Especially as for some families it actually offers greater stability.

Both my sons went to boarding school. Full time. There was no other option as husband was in the military. They had an excellent education. They are both loving sons and even though they are both married they still phone home every other day.

I went to boarding school from age 8-16.
I missed my parents terribly and in the first couple of years I really, really wanted to be home.

But they lived overseas and there were no schooling options there, so I had to go away to school. In some ways that made it easier, knowing that there was a genuine reason for me being away from home.

It was much easier a couple of years later, secondary school age. In some ways boarding school was good for academic stuff, do all the work at school, home was for family and relaxing.

I was and still am very close to my parents, and we have the ability to gather and be family and home whereever we are.

I made the decision that I would never send my kids away to school at such a young age. But I would consider it for 14 + but only if the child was interested.

But schools vary enormously, some are much better at providing the care and support than others.

It's not the way human children are supposed to grow up.

Severing of primary attachments and day-to-day growth, fracturing the sense of a primary family unit.

Utterly damaging for pre-teens.

I went from 14-18 and they were the best years of my life. Loved every single day, and so did the vast vast majority of my friends. I think it's a great way to grow up, and had/ have a much better relationship with my parents as a result. I was lucky to be in a great school though... which I now work at!

Mine go and I missed them terribly the first few years. I have finally got used to it. They are pretty near by though and I often see each of them at least once a week for an out of school activity, driving practice, or just home for the night. They also quite often come home at the weekend if nothing interesting happening at school.

I have finally got used to it but it was hard and not sure it was worth it. They have all mostly enjoyed it. The eldest went at 13 and has always enjoyed the boarding experience. The middle went at 11 and was desperate to go, she loved it first couple of years but the novelty wore off realised they were more of a homebody and went day for 6th form. Youngest went at 11 too and is sport mad and loves having other kids to play sport with after school every day. When home, mostly computer games.

Only time will tell if it does them any serious damage and it will be hard to tell as one only has one up bringng so hard to know how they would be if didn't go. We have always discussed everything though and totally taken their wishes into account. I hope that even if in the future they don't have 100% happy memories that they will know that we made all our choices from a place of love and wanting the best for them.

We are pretty close as a family and don't argue.

Mostly I miss them but I LOVE not having to do a school run and I LOVE not having to cook dinner every night and yell after them to pick up their crap and get off their phones. It is a little bit of a strange relationship though because when we are together we are always on holiday..... well they are, me and DH are always still working!

Considering weekly boarding for my DS from year 9. Think he will be well suited and the environment could suit his many interests. However I think weekly boarding from 13 is a far cry from 7 year olds being sent away for weeks at a time.

A child i know has gone to a specialist ballet school. Very close to his parents but just wants to dance. I don't think any of them find it easy but they are OK.

Another brother and sister have gone at 13 and 16 respectively. The 16 year old absolutely loves it, it is the perfect school for him. The 13 year old found it pretty tough from the start. I hope by 6th form she is OK with it or comes out.

I work at a boarding school. It seems that from year 9 up most seem to love it. Weekly boarding is a great option for kids who want to do loads of extra curricular but who don't want to spend hours a day in a car (and for parents who don't want to spend their whole evening ferrying kids around and not even seeing them!) In fact, we have some kids who travel 1hr+ each way on a coach every day, and they'd probably be better off weekly boarding.

Also, the boarders have way more freedom than I expected. They go into town in the evening, and they're allowed to travel anywhere they want on a weekend (quite a lot of them get a train to the nearest city). I thought it would all be Compulsory Organised Fun all weekend, but times have changed!

We have a small number of international boarders in years 7 and 8 though, and that breaks my heart. That's a completely different thing.

People still think boarding school is about dumping your kids in school and not seeing them again until the end of term - so they perpetuate this myth about “severed attachments”. In our case, it’s been a strengthening experience. The desire to board came from them. They boarded for a few days a week from ages 11-13 then FT 13-18 in highly regarded public schools.

The schools encouraged communication so we texted daily, FaceTimed a few times a week and also popped by for tea and lunches out sometimes. We made the effort to attend matches and send parcels or small things. There were plenty of expats and weekends where they could come home. One chose to be home most weekends at one stage & the school was great about this, another chose differently.

Boarding encouraged my kids to be independent but also to consider our family values and foster a sense of bonding. They have forged very strong friendships and by the time they went to university, they did particularly well because they were not in awe over leaving home for the first time. In face, one of them said that because if boarding school it didn’t feel like leaving home at all.

The stuff that non-boarding people thing about these schools is largely based on their husbands’ or on outmoded experiences. I know because I experienced it myself. Boarding schools are not how they used to be, and we know a lot more about parenting, attachments, and safety, to make it a positive experience & to ensure psychological robustness.

*Exeats not expats

Argh, typos, sorry! Hope it’s clear what I meant. OP please do ask if you have specific questions. It sounds like you are concerned about separation issues. It’s certainly not for everyone, but for a confident child where attachments are already healthy, it can be a fabulous and enriching experience.

But there are tons of these threads where mums in particular are made to justify this decision! ☺️

I went from 14-18 and loved it. Had I gone sooner, I’m not sure I would’ve liked it as much.

I’m definitely hoping to send my boys to boarding school but maybe as weekly boarders only as opposed to FT boarding which I did (only went home on holidays).

I loved being with my friends and I loved the staff. Most importantly I loved the academic support we got and that was so valuable in my last 2 years of schooling. We all pushed each other to study and we all did brilliantly whilst still having fun.

One aspect I HATED though was compulsory church services twice a week 🤢 and seeing the day girls going home for the weekend sometimes made me a bit sad because I couldn’t do the same.