Boarding school - respectful but ?emotive question for parents

[TheLieInTheBitchNTheFloordrobe]

This is meant in a very respectful, genuine way, but I realise it may be emotive.

To parents whose children are full time boarders: do you have any difficult feelings about being separated from your children for so much of the time?

To adult children who were full time boarders: what was your experience? Do/did you have any negative emotions about it?

I think both things are true though? I do think boarding schools now are very different to those 30 plus years ago but if you ask people for their personal experiences it will include both current and historic ones... after all, even if it is now outdated that is still that person's own experience.
I'm not sure how many full time boarding places there even are for age 7 now and I'm sure the experience would be very different than it was.

Yes you’re right, there are a range of experiences & schools. My DH had a very positive experience 30 years ago but his parents made it that, I can see how if their relationship had not been good beforehand, it might have been ruptured through his being away. He went to the same school as his father & it created a bonding experience.
We are close with his old school friends and most of them report it being very positive but again, I think it was down to their parents understanding tge routines, etc rather than the schools in those days.

There are loads of full time boarding opportunities for current DCs but usually in “public schools” rather than in local independents. Most schools seem to have moved with the times. My friend is a psychologist and she was employed by a few schools to help with their well-being programmes, something that didn’t exist 30 years ago.

Boarded from 11. No issues being separated from my parents. I had gone on holiday as unaccompanied minor to stay with a v good family friend when I was 8 - it was really exciting travelling on my own (the stewardesses were really nice and it was only a couple of hours plane trip). Also had gone on adventure holidays with school (and other kids) - without my parents before boarding no school.

My parents used to travel quite a lot when I was younger and I stayed with an aunt - who I was v close to (she died recently).

Boarding school was similar - I had a v good experience. I have a good relationship with my parents. I wouldn’t do boarding school for my kids due to cost reasons and also I’d like to keep a closer eye on what they’re learning and internet use (wasn’t really an issue when I was at school). But kids have gone on holiday with grandparents without me or DH - so it’s not a separation issue.

I have three friends who went to boarding school. One was happy there because his home life was so unhappy, one felt it very hard to fit in at home after she'd been since her two much younger siblings were much closer to her parents, the third friend has always had a distant relationship with her family.

@Mistyplanet

Im thinking about it for my eldest son. He's September born and so would be almost 14 when he would start in year 9. My son is very robust and always has been, he's always been independent since around age 4 and wanting to do things his own way, and he's really never listened to me. He's very confident and doesnt care who he's with. For example in lock down joined a new school in y3 then was in a key worker group with random children he barely new and staff- it didnt phase him at all. I just think he's got the right character for boarding. Ive got 2 other children and they are more sensitive and closer to me. They've been raised the same way but the eldest has always just been raring to go and super confident. That's why im considering boarding for him.

He sounds like a great character - but why send him away from home?

An older friend of mine was sent to boarding school back in the 1950’s. She was around 6 and had no idea where she was being sent when put alone into the car which took her there. She clearly remembers that first journey, watching the fields and trees speed by and wondering where her parents where and why they were not with her. Her younger years were spent convinced she’d been sent away as punishment and never understood what she had done “wrong”. The way in which it was handled by her parents was shocking and affected her most of her life.

Apparently I used to cry a lot when my parents had to go abroad when I was 5-6. I don’t remember it - but maybe I got used to it from then. I didn’t get homesick when I went to boarding school.

I think you can't compare boarding schools 30 or 40 years ago to today. The level of flexibility these days at most schools is massive, plus modern technology assists contact.

There is a cavern between

• 40 years ago full time boarding, home at half term only, one pay phone between 40 pupils in a public area
• Now - weekly / flexi boarding, mobile phones, facetime & internet

There is also a difference between boarding from age 7 and boarding from 11/12.

My stepson went from 13. My husband and his ex both boarded and were not particularly encouraging as they didn't enjoy it but he was adamant (I think it was partly influenced by Harry potter who was relative new then).
Anyway he went to Charterhouse which was close enough he could come home at the weekend if he wanted. He was very homesick first couple weeks but we were given advice from the house mother and he got over it.
It really made him up his game academically though, so from that point of view a success, and he made some great friends (and met his now wife)!
My dad loved boarding school - back then (1930s-40s) it was more common, and his mother lived abroad so it really was his home. I imagine it was much harsher conditions then, but he was academic, sporty and charming so was popular.
You have to match the school with the child - it's certainly not for everyone.

I went from 12 and it was good for me. The only downside is that I think I can probably be a little too independent now.
Some of the girls at my school really hated it but those were often girls who were dumped there by uncaring parents (and who perhaps didn't have the most loving home lives). Some girls I knew didn't like school but it was better than home which was chaotic or abusive. For those of us whose parents provided a loving home environment and sent us away to school as a positive act I think it was generally fine because we had that security from home.
I don't particularly want my children to board because I really enjoy their company, but my oldest did board full time for a bit and is weekly boarding now. I miss her terribly, but it is good for her and she is very happy and really thriving academically after being very unhappy at a day school.

There is of course a world of difference between sending a child who is of primary school age and sending a teenager. And you have to find the right school for the child, and make sure they are not afraid to tell you if they loathe it.

I board full time from age 8 and absolutely hated it.

There's a book you should read: The Making Of Them. Tells you everything you need to know about what boarding school does to the psyche of a developing child.

The idea of lumping any discussion into one whole "is boarding good or bad?" Thread makes no sense.

As others have said, there is a VAST difference between:

• boarding a generation or two ago vs modern times

• boarding at a young age vs secondary

• people with distant parents vs people with engaged parents (you can be in a house everyday with bad parenting and still end up scarred)

Asking this as a "I am just wondering..." question but making no differentiation between the hugely different situations and experiences means you will get an answer that backs up your own preconceived notions.

I boarded from age 10 (final year primary) and it was my choice, although I didn't have a clue what the reality was before I went.
I doubt my parents missed me much (and I wasn't strictly full time as my dad picked my up for a few hours on a Sunday) There are so many factors that impact on your experience. For that year, we had the worst kind of person as a housemistress, and she made our lives miserable. She had a sister who covered her time off, equally hideous. Imagine the sisters from James and the Giant peach. That was them. We weren't allowed more than one phone call a week.

When we moved up to secondary, we had a lovely woman as a housemistress and obviously that makes all the difference. Its a strange situation, living with a large group of other children, and not always pleasant. But it was fine and I was ok with it - I didn't miss being at home particularly. I didn't miss my parents - but then I had a slightly fractured childhood anyway so its not like I left a 2.4 kids household.

I personally think that I didn't develop emotionally fully whilst I was there. I didn't have the same sort of relationships you'd have in the 'real' word. I was in this bubble. I was immature and clueless when I left at 15 to go to the local 6th form.

I wouldn't send my own children at that age. Although slightly older I wouldn't have an issue with (13 up) if that's what they wanted (not that its a possibility). I've worked very hard to have the family unit that I never had, and I don't want to be separated from my boys. They are so young for such a short time. I need them to know that I am always there for them, and I don't think I could do that if I sent them away for a half term at a time.

I boarded from 8-18 because my parents moved between countries a lot for work, and to be honest I’m still pretty scarred by it.

At secondary I wasn’t actively miserable - I had good friends and was happy at the school, though I missed my parents and was very conscious that I was being cheated of a normal family life and day to day relationship with them. But junior school was harrowing. It was an amazing school, with beautiful grounds, amazing facilities, fantastic teachers etc, but none of that made any difference to the fact that I was a small child living full time in an institution, with no emotional security, coming first with nobody, no way of escaping people who were unkind to me, no bedroom of my own, no hugs...knowing that I had a perfectly good home and family of my own but only getting odd snippets of time there. It was awful, and it haunts me, and I look at my own children who are now the age I was when I went and I feel sick with horror at the thought of it.

@CornflakesOnTheSolesOfHerShoes That’s so sad and you’ve articulated perfectly why I dislike the idea of boarding school. I understand it’s different at secondary and do understand the ‘opportunities’ but I just will never get sending your children away to school. If you can afford boarding you can afford a more local private school plus any extracurricular activities (imo).

I boarded from 13-18

I loved it and am very grateful for the opportunity my parents gave me to do it as they sacrificed for me to be able to go there

I went to a very good school, with excellent caring teachers.

I saw my parents a lot. They lived 2 hrs away but they came for every musical/sporting occasion they were able to. My Gran also lived in the city I was in and I saw her 3 times a week (twice briefly midweek and I spent every Sunday all day with her)

I chose to go. My mum would have preferred me to go to the local private day school for sure. But my brothers (and my dad and uncle!) had all gone to this school. My parents had been abroad when my brothers went so they went there with the support of my gran. Then my parents offered me the same opportunity.

It's to do with the school and circumstance for sure whether you have a happy time. I would never change my teenage years, and I definitely wouldn't have done all the things I did if I hadn't boarded or done as well on my exams

he's always been independent since around age 4

That’s amazing for a 4 year old. What did he do for work?

I absolutely loved it. Went from 11-17. My mum missed my DSis and I terribly. But it didn't harm our relationship in any way. We were close then and close now.

I think it depends why boarding. If it's an obvious necessity (posted abroad, stability for exam years) or a conscious choice to access opportunities not available staying at home (specialist music/dance) then there's no implication of "sending away" so much as "allowing to".

If it's a convenience thing (avoiding long commute) then the child's preference is crucial.

The issue is where it's family expectations or parents wanting to prioritise work over family.

I'd absolutely allow my child to board to enable them to access music/dance activities and possibly high level sport (doubt of sport is more that high quality sports clubs are generally more available without any relocation than judgement of the value).

If parents are working long hours it is questionable what value there is for an older teen being home alone/home with parents closeted in offices until dinner and bedtime - would they have more companionship with peers. I didn't board but my parents worked in London and I had an au pair until my late teens. I saw my parents at dinner, listened to their conversation (woe betide me if I interrupted), possibly had a brief conversation, sat with them watching their choice of TV (again don't talk or have an opinion) then went to bed before joining them for family breakfast... Perhaps boarding would have given me more meaningful time with my parents and a better relationship long term...

I don’t know why I read or post on these threads as I find them so upsetting.

I boarded from 11-18, flexi boarding so home most weekends. I would NEVER send my children to a boarding school.

A few things

It doesn’t matter how nice the boarding school experience is or that there is now FaceTime. There are many big issues caused by boarding but you can’t get away from the fact that you spent the majority of your time in an institution where the people supposedly ‘caring’ for you don’t love you. No hugs from a parent or tucking you in with a kiss.

Your peers become your most important source of information and learning on emotional issues

I’d never dream of telling my mum this as it would break her so how can parents know how their children feel - think how invested they are once you are an adult that they didn’t make a huge mistake

Three years ago I didn’t feel this way and thought that it was great that I had such a good education. A reunion at school planted seeds of doubt in my mind, and lockdowns gave me a sudden huge realisation about myself and where all my problems come from

As my oldest child approaches the age I went away my feelings get stronger. I know kids that age whose parents are so present for them and it breaks my heart to think i never had my parents at the end of each day.

My siblings didn’t board and have always been treated so differently even as we are now in our 40s and 50s.

My own mum has realised this all I think as her stepgc went to uni recently and there was so much more fanfare and support for her aged 18 becoming independent than I got at 11.

11 year olds are very much children. Teens need loads of emotional support and to feel loved and most importantly wanted.

Have I mentioned being stuck in a room with a bully or someone you don’t get on with?

That’s before we talk about the extra opportunities for abuse and sexual assault.

My dd was a day girl and begged to be allowed to stay with her friends, but we lived close by and the cost was astronomical. To appease her I invited several of her friends to stay with us over half term as lived in China so would not go home for 1-2 weeks.

I went to boarding school from 11-16. It was normal at my prep school for the girls to go at 11, and boys left at 7. I'm 30 now.

I really liked the idea of boarding school and was happy to go, but when got there, realised quite quickly it wasn't for me. My father used to work abroad constantly, so I already had a lot of separation anxiety from him and being away from the entire family unit affected me badly. I would cry constantly to go home.

The first month of school we were not allowed to use phones to contact our parents - which was particularly hard. We had to 'sign in' three or four times a day too so our housemistresses knew that we were 'safe.' If they noticed we weren't eating as much, you would be weighed and monitored at meal times by checking in - or having to sit with a teacher to eat.

On one hand, being amongst a whole group of girls my own age meant that you always had friends around to cheer you up - so I tried to just get on with it in the first few years. Housemistresses and our matrons were also amazing.

By age 13 however, I knew i wanted to leave, but GCSEs were fast approaching, so I was not allowed to leave until I had completed them. The large influx of new girls into our year group at 13 definitely affected our safety bubble at boarding school and led to a lot of teenage politics and drama between friend groups.

Everytime I was able to go home I would start crying when it was time to go back and I constantly felt ripped apart from my family.

The girls that really enjoyed the experience seemed to be the ones who had grown up rurally, and perhaps did not have many friends around them or closeby enough to foster proper, consistent friendships. So they loved it.

Pretty much all of the girls from London in my year group ended up leaving for 6th form - as it became apparent especially in later years that being stuck out in the middle of the countryside was effectively 'missing out' on family life, and more exciting life at home, in the city. I'm glad I didn't stay there until 18, as I think i'd have had a much harder time adapting to coming back to London...

Not for everyone - but if you don't live in an area where your children have close proximity to other kids, playdates and freedom to go out and play with their friends it's definitely worth considering.

@Maireas because we need a large bursary for him to be able to attend private school. He's currently at a Prep on a bursary. I've learned from mumsnet that the larger boarding schools have more bursaries to give out and so I think he'll have more chance to be able to stay in private school if we apply for him to board. I think he'll be bored at home at that age (14) we cant provide loads of enriching experiences at home like others may be able to. I think if DS boards he'll be more part of a community and have access to more activities. The holidays are long so there's still time for homelife. I just think it will be a good experience for him. We'll let him decide nearer the time and won't send him if he doesn't want to go.

Ok, your son, your choice.
I'd keep him at home, but then we're all different

The only boarders I know about are those my parents age, so born in the 50s and went 60s/70s. Really not good. Some of them say they had fun times, but they are also very, very bad at talking about their emotions and can come across as cold and distant. I know one of them physically shudders when it’s brought up.
I’m sure they’re much better these days for teenagers. You do wonder how it can ever be good for a child and what kind of parent would happily be separate from their 8 year old.