Boarding school - respectful but ?emotive question for parents

[TheLieInTheBitchNTheFloordrobe]

This is meant in a very respectful, genuine way, but I realise it may be emotive.

To parents whose children are full time boarders: do you have any difficult feelings about being separated from your children for so much of the time?

To adult children who were full time boarders: what was your experience? Do/did you have any negative emotions about it?

@FindMeInTheSunshine

I have no experience, but as a child I went through the typical wanting to do the Enid Blyton-esque boarding school experience. Now I look back and think I'd have hated it, because I'm an introvert and the idea of being around people all the time would have made me completely miserable - I even found secondary school tricky and would often try to find somewhere quiet to escape to at lunchtime.

I'd be interested to know if there's a high correlation between those who are extroverts and enjoy it, and those who are introverts and don't.

I expect there is a real link there

My eldest brother hated it so my parents pulled him out and he was a day pupil (he was lucky my parents lived locally at that point so he didn't have to move schools)

Myself and my other brother are much more confident.

However we were also academic whereas my eldest brother wasn't interested (he's very smart, just wasn't that way focused)

The school has to suit the child. I grew up knowing the school and a lot of the teachers. It wasn't even new to me when I started. My middle brothers house master was one of my teachers in my first year which I loved, he was like an uncle to me! He'd often stop and talk to me just to check I was doing ok. I'd known him pretty much as long as I could remember!

Prob why I wanted to go. No fear.

I know my mum really didn't want me to! She vocalised it lol

@PrayingandHoping

Again you are making out it is selfish and a get out of parenting option to send a child to boarding school. Incorrect

It is/was, at least for a lot of situations I have personal knowledge of 🤷🏼‍♀️

If boarding schools were working class they’d be known as care homes, and the parents reckless and negligent.

I absolutely loved boarding school. I just remember loads of fun and strong friendships. I had my own horse at school too. No unpleasant memories really. The holidays were really long which were great too. Maintained strong family bonds throughout.

Two of my own DCs asked to board. One wanted to go to day school. Despite different schools, they are all very close. Boarding schools can offer a great way of life if the children choose it.

@Cheekypeach

If boarding schools were working class they’d be known as care homes, and the parents reckless and negligent.

That's rude. Sorry. Are u purposefully trying to be offensive???

You have limited knowledge of a few people and have made a sweeping judgement

I have first hand knowledge and clearly know a lot of people who went to boarding school.

I’m not being purposefully offensive. But the class element makes it all look more acceptable & palatable. If it was a traditionally working class practice to let strangers effectively raise your child, it would be seen as emotionally negligent and lazy.

I know a range of people who have been to boarding school - my dad, DH, my best friend, other friends. The majority didn’t enjoy it and acknowledge it has left them with emotional issues. They feel sad in retrospect that their parents were happy to spend so much time away from them, even if they wanted to go at the time.

My parents raised me. I have no question of that. They did not drop me off, wave good bye and have no more influence in my life. They were the ones who I turned to about every decision I made, not the school. They raised and shaped me

My dad and uncle went to the same school but that was so long ago it would be an entirely different experience

You still only know a handful whereas I know 100s. I even acknowledge it didn't suit my own brother and he was pulled out. But loads of people have a fantastic time. With no emotional issues

I'm in contact with most of the girls in my year from my house. We all enjoy reminiscing. My middle brother made a life long close friendship group he sees constantly 30 years later

Maybe my parents just sent me to an exceptionally good school ethos wise. But that you can say was good parenting skills.

We’ll have to agree to disagree.

You disagree my parents love and raised me.... ok.

I’m not disagreeing they love you. I’m disagreeing that generally speaking, boarding school parents are as involved with raising their children as day school parents.

And I would agree that not all are. (Same came be said for day school parenting)

But a lot are and it's unfair to categorise all boarders and their parents in the same way.

For you to say the majority based on the small number of people u know, some of which had a good experience, is a sweeping statement

My siblings, parents, husband and I all went to boarding school. I have a lifelong group of friends as a result despite, as I said in an earlier comment, having loathed the experience. I never doubted that my parents loved me unconditionally. But I’d have to agree with @Cheekypeach. They outsourced the majority of my day-to-day upbringing to strangers for ten years of my childhood. Knowing they loved me was cold comfort when they were on the other side of the world and I only saw them every few months (or even when they were in the UK and I got the occasional weekend. Whoop-de-do.) And when I did see them I had to make the most of every minute, when all I wanted was to be able to take their presence for granted like a normal person.

@CornflakesOnTheSolesOfHerShoes

Boarders in that situation I felt for. I was also that one that used to take them home for exeats and half terms.....

There is only 2 in my year in my house who's parents were abroad.

I was only there for my teenage years which I do think is very different to a young child

I’m not against it under al circumstances - if DD wanted to weekly board during sixth form, I would be happy with that. But under 16 I would have to think very long & hard about, and I can’t imagine any circumstances that I feel would justify it.

Forces brat. Boarded from age 7-17. Didn't enjoy the start of secondary school, but prep school and 5th & 6th form I did. Never considered sending my own boys away, i think as a parent I'd miss out so much. But for me and my siblings I'm not sure what the alternative would have been. My elder sister stayed in state primary longer than I did and in year 6 she went to 3 different schools. Relatively recently - 40 years later - our aunt told us she remembered around that time asking my sister who were her best friends at school. My sister said, 'I don't have friends, it's not worth taking the time.'

I’m a psychotherapist and I can tell those that went to boarding school a mile away.
The effect it has lasts a lifetime .

I went to a full boarding school when I was a teenager as i weekly boarded till 13 but wanted to go full boarding for Senior when I saw what opportunities there were. I didn’t see much of my parents during termtime due to distance. I was a very driven child as a result of finding my passions at school and i loved it all - the opportunities to follow my extra curricular activities. I had a very loving home where my parents supported me in my hobbies which I did to a very high standard during the holidays. They drove me everywhere all the time it seemed! We were a team, I guess you could say. We were each other’s everything. I remain very close to my parents even though I’m now married with a family of my own. I do feel like I have had a charmed life.
My children now full board (three weekly) but I see them at least once a week often twice. Luckily the school isn’t too far away . We chose it for this reason . They both pursue their own passions which boarding school offers opportunities to develop that I cannot physically get them to from home. I supplement this on some evenings and weekends when they are at school . When at home we eat three meals a day as a family (my husband too) as we all work at home. We are a VERY close and traditional family. There’s no divorce in either mine or my husbands family. My children are my everything and everything I do and work for funds their passions and schooling.
I hear these boarding school horror stories like the ones in this post and I cannot relate to them but they make me sad.
I wake up everyday and feel incredibly lucky for living my life with my family. My children don’t wake up in our home during much of termtime but my life is planned around then and I’ll be gutted when they leave home and my life will need to find a new direction I guess.
Boarding schools do not suit the majority of children but children who enjoy a very secure and loving family home are best placed to fly at boarding schools as they have such a secure platform to leap into the world from.

I’ve worked in boarding schools and my observations are that it generally works really well for sociable teenagers from year 9 upwards. Year 7 is too young. Age 7 is just too sad to contemplate. For 6th form it’s fantastic

If you boarded, your parents boarded, and your children board, how do you even know what you are missing?

@5zeds

If you boarded, your parents boarded, and your children board, how do you even know what you are missing?

The same can be said for day schools.

@Sunnysideup999

I’m a psychotherapist and I can tell those that went to boarding school a mile away. The effect it has lasts a lifetime .

I suspect you can tell those on whom boarding school had a negative effect a mile off. Confirmation bias.

@Sunnysideup999

Do you ask every patient about their schooling?

I boarded for my final 3 years. I absolutely loved it. Of course I was homesick at first, but it gave me so many wonderful opportunities and it was a lot of fun.

My husband was sent to boarding school, his relationship with his parents is a bit like the one you have with a neighbour, friendly, not close, but nothing beyond thay as they chose not to raise him, so they’re essentially just acquantancies.

My sister in law boarded, her parents seem weirdly proud that they saw their daughter once a week. I’d be thoroughly ashamed if I saw my children once a week when they were still children.

I wonder if the reason you are sent to boarding school makes a difference? For instance, my mum, aunt, mother-in-law and cousins all went to boarding school simply because they lived in rural Australia and, to receive a decent education, there was no other choice. All of them generally enjoyed boarding school and all maintained excellent relationships with their parents. None of them resented going as they all understood that was the only option their parents had to get them a decent education.

Would it be different if you were sent away when there were good local school options? I could imagine that would be difficult for a child.