Boarding school - respectful but ?emotive question for parents

[TheLieInTheBitchNTheFloordrobe]

This is meant in a very respectful, genuine way, but I realise it may be emotive.

To parents whose children are full time boarders: do you have any difficult feelings about being separated from your children for so much of the time?

To adult children who were full time boarders: what was your experience? Do/did you have any negative emotions about it?

Boring school nowadays is totally different from a generation ago. How can people judge when they have no current experience? I agree, it’s not for all children but my 12 year old totally loves it… He spends all day with his friends, play sport every day and is busy until 7/8 o’clock in the evening. I have daily contact & I know exactly what he’s doing all day every day. Weirdly, I know more about his schoolday than my other son who is at day school (but he is older so doesn’t like to share!). I want my kids to grow up to be independent and have full and interesting lives and this is what boarding school does. I feel his childhood has been extended by the lack of exposure to mobile phones & Xboxes which don’t have a place in our prep school.

@Sunnysideup999 how can you provide a quality professional service to patients when you obviously have pre conceived ideas and are judging their background?

As I said earlier I work in a boarding school.

I had a conversation today with a day student who said her parents were too busy to support her by listening to her practice for her oral.

Later I listened to a group of boarding students thank their boarding parents for all the love and support they showed them.

This is a snap shot but it is not as simple as some people think.

Out of interest, what is the youngest you can send a child to board in this day and age?

@Psychologika

Out of interest, what is the youngest you can send a child to board in this day and age?

You’re using anachronistic language here. Nobody “sends” their precious son or daughter that they carried for 9months and nurtured for all the years since, anywhere these days . It’s not 1950 when children were ritualistically “sent” to the most awful hellholes masquerading as schools! Pupils at boarding school “choose” to join these schools, often aged 13+. There is significant emphasis at interview stage to ensure children are fully committed to wanting to board. It’s in no one’s interests to have a child “sent” to board. That’s will lead to nothing but heartache for every person involved. In the uk, there are lots of full boarding schools for 13+ children. There are a minuscule amount of schools that cater for full boarding children aged 9-13 but often these are two weekly rather than as per the senior school models of 3-4 weekly. Most boarding prep schools offer flexi boarding where children dip in and out as pleases them. From my experience, up to around half of children who full board at senior will have been weekly boarding before they joined but prior to that were day pupils . It’s a curve that people hop on (and off) as and when suits the child. It should be child-led and that is the model most schools now follow. There is almost no demand in the uk for bonafide full boarding schools pre aged 13. I can only imagine that for a child to full board aged 11 or younger must have extreme circumstances to require that. I don’t personally know anyone whose children have full boarded before year 7 (11+) and even those that full boarded 11-13 are few and far between.

Leftandright

I see the point you are trying to make there but I think you slightly missed the mark as you seem to have not realized that in fact almost all girls board from year 7.

Hmm I was lucky, at Prep School I had two legendary Headmasters who effectively raised me.

@dilettante73

Leftandright

I see the point you are trying to make there but I think you slightly missed the mark as you seem to have not realized that in fact almost all girls board from year 7.

Yeah I guess - my bad 🙈 - all girls schools often start at 11+ but of those 11+ girls’ schools, how many are compulsory full boarding rather than flexible? I suspect a lot now allow for flexible boarding It’s the way many schools are going. There is less demand for full boarding - which I get. The temptation to not let my children board was very strong. Selfishly I would love to have them with me all the time until I can no longer force them to live with me

• it’s a genuine wrench letting them go, emotionally (and financially!!) it’s a tough gig for parents but it’s worth it when you see them loving life and soaring to their full potential.

Yes many girls boarding are going a bit flexi now. Cheltenham and Downe and Wycombe all allowing home on weekends within the past few years. Although from friends I know with girls at all three, it's often a struggle to convince the girls to come home as they don't want to miss out on activities.

Yes, @dilettante73 my DD went to a school like one of those. She chose to go & was certainly not “sent” there as previous posters suggest 🤣 She was a full boarder but as we only live 20/25 mins away, she used to come home most weekends & even brought friends back. At school itself the housemistress was utterly brilliant & we had a lot of communication. We were going through a divorce & needed to know our dd was in safe hands. I knew she was.

Boarding schools have changed significantly in the past 10 years. The Boarding Schools Association and other connected associations do listen. It’s a much more engaged process now.

Yep my DD will be at one of those next year for year 7 entry. If she gets her first choice she will be very close to us (or grandma) and we would expect to see her often. She is very excited about going to boarding school and was given the choice to apply to day schools and chose not to. She is a very outgoing and mature only child (September baby) and I suspect she is going to thoroughly enjoy herself.

Mostly I miss them but I LOVE not having to do a school run and I LOVE not having to cook dinner every night and yell after them to pick up their crap and get off their phones.

Please tell me this is not the main reason people send their children to boarding school

I think it’s wishful thinking and semantics to claim that all children at boarding school are there as an active choice on their own part and that none of them feel sent away. There are still plenty of kids for whom the choice is made because of parental circumstances (moving a lot for work, living overseas, giving them stability during a messy divorce etc) who would much prefer to be at home. And I know for a fact that the full boarding prep school I went to is still going strong and over-subscribed, and my secondary school still doesn’t allow weekly boarding, so the demand is still there.

Someone upthread asked about the psychological difference it makes to know that you’re boarding “for a reason”. I think it can do - I have a friend who boarded from eight because her parents were in the army, and she seemed to accept that it was a logistical necessity and was fine with it. Another friend boarded from the same age because that was the norm in her family, and felt packed off for no good reason and is still damaged by it. But I think personality had a bigger part to play in both cases. And certainly the fact that I knew my parents had made the decision for me to board because of their regular moves abroad and because they felt it would give me a more stable childhood made no difference at all to how profoundly unhappy I was. To be brutally honest, I just felt they should have chosen careers that were compatible with parenthood.

@KaiKanWhenever

Mostly I miss them but I LOVE not having to do a school run and I LOVE not having to cook dinner every night and yell after them to pick up their crap and get off their phones.

Please tell me this is not the main reason people send their children to boarding school

Only if you can tell me if parents of day pupils have a sense of humour.

Parents are parents and we all love our children the same. Parents of children who board did not arrive from outer space. They are just the same as the next parent trying to do what is best for their most precious thing in the world; their child.
It seems that some people with no bonafide experience of boarding schools refuse to empathise with parents whose children happen to sleep over at their school. There isn’t a huge amount more to it than that!
For the most part, children at boarding school are very happy to be there and are there through CHOICE. Of course when this choice is removed (exception not the norm!) then the equation becomes unbalanced but just as you can have ‘bad parents’ with children at boarding school, you can bet your bottom dollar that the incidence rate of ‘bad parents’ with children at day school is just the same.
It’s extremely small minded if not downright intolerant not to try and empathise with parents who have made different choices to you - and blindly categorising every boarding school pupil as ‘damaged’ or parents being monstrous because you actually think they chosen a boarding school to get out of cooking supper in the evenings does nothing except belittle your own opinion.

Parents are parents and we all love our children the same. Parents of children who board did not arrive from outer space. They are just the same as the next parent trying to do what is best for their most precious thing in the world; their child. no parents are not parents and we all love our children the same. What total bollocks. Some parents are dreadful, neglectful, emotionally absent, feckless arseholes. They appear in all settings.

It seems that some people with no bonafide experience of boarding schools refuse to empathise with parents whose children happen to sleep over at their school. There isn’t a huge amount more to it than that! living in an institution for the majority of your childhood is NOT an extended sleepover. @leftandaright it’s you who seems to have no direct experience at all

Having read this thread it's clear that boarding after 13 or 14 has a better outcome than boarding earlier. I'm someone who full-boarded from 11, at a school I hadn't wanted to go to, while my younger dsis went to a different school as a day girl. I prett much always felt like an unwanted visitor at home from then on and left home fully as soon as I could. I do not forgive my parents.

@5zeds you talk in hyperbole. Children who go to boarding schools do not “live in an institution for the majority of their childhood”

Furthermore, if you’d read my post, I did say the incidence of bad parents is as likely across any type of school. Bad parents are not wholly confined to day schools, I’m sure some exist at boarding schools too .

@leftandaright I can assure you they exist in both. Once at school age the majority of the year is “term time” and so if you are a boarder the majority of your time is at school. Boarding school IS an institution and as such if you board you live in an institution. Most have early years at home so I suppose to be super accurate I should have said the majority of their school years.
If you are going to do a thing, see it and own it don’t pretend it’s something else to make it acceptable.

That’s bollocks. The majority of my kids’ time is not at school. They have very long holidays & come home most weekends, plus there are B weekends, exerts and short leaves. They have long days but we can text and FaceTime as much as we like up until phone’s minutes times. No way is your statement accurate.

• up until phones-in times. They have to hand their phones in before bedtime.

I only know a handful of people who boarded, (in the 80s) at various schools. All but one disliked or even hated it.

The boy who liked it only boarded for 6th form, (but did so because his parents moved abroad for work, and they wanted him to finish A’level). Whilst it was convenient and sensible, he was also often trying to ingratiate himself with sometimes unsuitable ’friends’ in order to get away for evenings and weekends and holidays. I wouldn’t want my 17 year old in that situation.

@WeaverofWords there are 52 weeks in the year 38 ish are term time so I fail to see how your children can be spending more time at home than at school.. Text and FaceTime are not “at home”, the fact this is brought up makes me think you don’t really understand what is being missed.
(For those who don’t know, holidays are usually 4 weeks Christmas, 4 weeks Easter, 8 weeks summer plus of course half terms)

[quote 5zeds]@WeaverofWords there are 52 weeks in the year 38 ish are term time so I fail to see how your children can be spending more time at home than at school.. Text and FaceTime are not “at home”, the fact this is brought up makes me think you don’t really understand what is being missed.
(For those who don’t know, holidays are usually 4 weeks Christmas, 4 weeks Easter, 8 weeks summer plus of course half terms)[/quote]
52 - 38 = 14 weeks at home.

4+4+8+ 3x1 for half terms = 19 weeks at home.
And that is before you include weekend visits etc.

Apologies, I should have been mor transparent. The 38 weeks come from this years calendar for boarders at one public school in the uk. The 4+4+8 for holidays was to give an idea and I can see is confusing.

Perhaps if the numbers make it harder to see for you, think of it as “the holidays are always shorter than the term time”? It’s odd that this FACT is what is being pushed against. Why is it so upsetting to recognise what is going on? I mean if you didn’t think it was better than being at home why would your children even be there? Why try to pretend they’re at home more than they are?