Boarding school - respectful but ?emotive question for parents

[TheLieInTheBitchNTheFloordrobe]

This is meant in a very respectful, genuine way, but I realise it may be emotive.

To parents whose children are full time boarders: do you have any difficult feelings about being separated from your children for so much of the time?

To adult children who were full time boarders: what was your experience? Do/did you have any negative emotions about it?

Not pushing back or denying how much time they spend at school. Just correcting your hyberbole using emotive words like institution to try and force home your opinions rather than substance.
My children have 20 weeks holidays a year plus long weekends. So the majority of their teenage years are at school. I’m fine with that. They found lock down at home just so damn DULL. They look forward to being at school. It’s why they chose those schools and do their best when they are there.
But let’s compare what your child gets to do at home in the evenings or weekends versus what my children get to do with their friends when they board.
They have access to three teachers a night who are resident in house during their two hours homework each night. Two hours is very dreary at home when I dare say you don’t sit there interacting as that would not be particularly helpful. My children share a room with their best friend. Same age. Possibly different subjects. But they do their work together as companions. They can access the three teachers at any point during the evening for academic support. It’s not something I can provide at home. There are also separate academic drop in surgeries every night of the week that cover all subjects taught at the school. They can access those whenever. There’s also a number of activities happening every night before and after homework they can attend if they wish. And they all wish. You don’t thrive at boarding school unless you want to join in all the stuff that goes on. It’s a struggle to narrow down just what can be done in any one 24 hour period. Approximately 20 different hobbies every night , monday to Friday to choose from. Perhaps you think that spoiling.
I cannot understand your blinkered view that only the homestead is best for ALL children (it’s best for many children but certainly mine want a hell of a lot more out of life than tugging on my shirt tails till they are 18…) . My children LOVE these activities which they squeeze in around everything else. It’s jam packed, wonderfully busy, absorbing and all done with their friends.
Of course I could drive them home at 4pm each evening and they could do all of those things at home, no wait, they can’t do all of those things.
I now see the error of my ways and I should withdraw them from their “institutions” and make them spend every evening at home with me because that makes ME feel fulfilled and to hell with what my child really wants.
You may kid yourself that by merely being in a parent’s presence is The Best Thing for all children but I don’t. If I’m honest I’m bored as f at home without my children and I would love to have them in my life all the time to make me happy but they are more than just my children, they are their own persons with lives so full it makes my heart burst with happiness when I see them achieve everything they hoped and more. No sniping from other judgemental parents convinced that the best place for my child is at home every night in order to validate my existence as a parent will ever change my mind . I think boarding schools suit about 10% of children but a hell of a lot more as you approach sixth form.

@dilettante73

The idea of lumping any discussion into one whole "is boarding good or bad?" Thread makes no sense.

As others have said, there is a VAST difference between:

• boarding a generation or two ago vs modern times

• boarding at a young age vs secondary

• people with distant parents vs people with engaged parents (you can be in a house everyday with bad parenting and still end up scarred)

Asking this as a "I am just wondering..." question but making no differentiation between the hugely different situations and experiences means you will get an answer that backs up your own preconceived notions.

Exactly this. Especially the bit about parents.

[quote 5zeds]@WeaverofWords there are 52 weeks in the year 38 ish are term time so I fail to see how your children can be spending more time at home than at school.. Text and FaceTime are not “at home”, the fact this is brought up makes me think you don’t really understand what is being missed.
(For those who don’t know, holidays are usually 4 weeks Christmas, 4 weeks Easter, 8 weeks summer plus of course half terms)[/quote]
Well then the amount of time my kids spend at school is no different to the amount of time your kids spend at theirs. To use it as some bashing stick to boarding parents is redundant. Don’t patronise me, thanks.

@5zeds

Apologies, I should have been mor transparent. The 38 weeks come from this years calendar for boarders at one public school in the uk. The 4+4+8 for holidays was to give an idea and I can see is confusing.

Perhaps if the numbers make it harder to see for you, think of it as “the holidays are always shorter than the term time”? It’s odd that this FACT is what is being pushed against. Why is it so upsetting to recognise what is going on? I mean if you didn’t think it was better than being at home why would your children even be there? Why try to pretend they’re at home more than they are?

Let me correct you. I am not at all upset. I am confident in my decisions and in my children’s decisions. It’s you who has the problem.

@leftandaright No normal child over the age of 8 really wants to be tied to their mother’s apron strings, much as though some mothers might want and encourage that in order to meet their own emotional needs. From 8-9 upwards they need friends their own age, adult role models outside the family, opportunities to be independent and make their own decisions about which interests to pursue. Weekly boarding is a good way to get that while still being part of a family.

I didn’t board, was at local state comprehensive but my sister boarded for the sixth form (complex, my parents moved abroad for work and she wanted to stay in the UK, I was at uni by then) - she really enjoyed it.
DH boarded year 9-year 13 and loved it.
Our dc godfather and his partner both boarded, former from year 9 by choice and latter from year 4. Both speak very highly of their experiences.
None of these people have odd or intense relationships with their parents. It is a rather big assumption that everyone who hasn’t been to boarding school has better/more normal parental relationships than those who have!

Note: full boarding mid to late 20th century from age 7 or 8 is incomparable to 21st century boarding as a teen.

We are looking at weekly boarding for DS1, from year 9. He is keen to do this. All the schools we have looked at even the ‘full’ boarders are never away for more than 3 weeks. Many are flexi/part/weekly boarders at all but a few big public schools. I wouldn’t send a child younger than year 9 by choice, year 7/8 if some situation like the military, but I suspect many who criticise don’t know what boarding senior schools are like in 2022 and don’t get that ‘boarding school survivors’ (or similar) are a self selecting group.

From 8-9 upwards they need friends their own age, adult role models outside the family, opportunities to be independent and make their own decisions about which interests to pursue. All children can be given increased time with peers and some independence, the suggestion that boarding school at 8 is beneficial is crazy, and not backed up by anyone with any standing regarding children's emotional and mental health.

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

From 8-9 upwards they need friends their own age, adult role models outside the family, opportunities to be independent and make their own decisions about which interests to pursue. All children can be given increased time with peers and some independence, the suggestion that boarding school at 8 is beneficial is crazy, and not backed up by anyone with any standing regarding children's emotional and mental health.

with all due respect that’s complete rubbish.

The fact that YOU don’t want YOUR kids to do boarding from 8/9 doesn’t mean it’s bad for all kids. Maybe your kids have particular needs - or maybe (more likely) you have particular needs of your own. But that’s not the case for everyone.

What makes you qualified to say it's rubbish?

I boarded and was desperately unhappy but it was a miserable school. Half way through I switched to a school so much further away that I only came home a few times a year. Some girls only went home in summer. I was very happy there. We had a strong bond (boarders) and the nuns were kind and nurturing. They seemed very understanding of the fact that we were far from home. We had a lot of freedom.

I will send my children if I feel it would benefit them and they want to go. There were definitely kids in my schools who were completely unsuited to boarding and they were never going to thrive but the majority just got on with it. I think it has made me independent and resilient. I dont know why i was sent: my mother didnt work. My siblings all went too (but to different boarding schools). I do feel fortunate to have had that experience (even the bad one) and to be part of the group that were my classmates.

In short, I am a fan of boarding but only when it suits the child.

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

What makes you qualified to say it's rubbish?

I boarded myself and currently have a child at a boarding prep, and his elder brother went to one too. So I am pretty well qualified to know it’s rubbish, thanks.

How about you? How are you so well qualified to decree that boarding from 8/9 is beneficial for noone?

I've been teaching that age group for 20 years, hold a psychology degree specialising in child development and another related postgrad. Which one of us is more objective I wonder?

I think the assumption that anyone who doesn’t think boarding is ideal “doesn’t understand what it’s like” is fairly silly. @TheLieInTheBitchNTheFloordrobe very carefully aimed her OP at the parents of boarders and boarders who are now adults. So I assume people posting fall into either (or both) of those groups. OBVIOUSLY if you board your child then you think it’s a good idea and if you don’t you don’t. I’m sure there are some who are pressured by family into it and some who would but can’t afford it.

@HeyGirlHeyBoy presumably that makes you well placed to back up your claims with some pretty solid evidence? Are you posting as a parent or an ex-boarder?

@WeaverofWords

I’m not sure what problem you think I have ? It is possible to disagree without this level of outrage. How can you possibly know how long my children stay at school and that yours don’t do any more hours (this is honestly just odd)? What is it you are trying to get across? Of course you have chosen what you think is the right thing for your children as I have for mine.

I have three children who all went to boarding school - a mixture of weekly boarding and full boarding
I think that boarding schools nowadays are really v different to those of the 60s/70s
And of course mobile phones and internet means comms is v easy and as frequent as a stroppy teenager will allow!
Boarding school days are long and so the holidays are long too! Over 4 months a year they will be home.
Plus exeat weekends etc
My girls enjoyed their time. The grounds were beautiful, the food was good and the dorms warm and clean. Modern bathrooms - they even had a private cinema.
If it got too much for one of the girls and they needed to come home - or were ill - then that was not a problem for the school and they could come. As a mum I found weekly boarding the best mix of time away and time
home to connect
My middle one loved boarding so much she switched to full boarding.
They all went aged 11 - I think before then is too young - and v few schools take them before that age now I think.

Family members boarded so I sent my dc aged 8. I missed them so much I couldn't take it and pulled them out of boarding but kept them as a day pupil. They are still angry about it they really liked it and wanted to stay boarding.

I would even hear them calling in the night when they weren't there. Was too much for me!! The other dc were happy though and I didn't have a problem with the boarding side of things.

@HeadToToesNo

I boarded from the age of 8. Now I'm an adult I realise how lonely I was and how much it affected me. I am not close to my parents and have never felt like a priority for them. That said, I'm not sure they would have been better parents to me had I been at home. I got an excellent education, as did my siblings, and we have all gone on to have well paid careers. My children are still too young, but I do wonder what to do with regard to their schooling. I want them to have the best education and school experience, but not at the price I paid.

You absolutely don't have to board to get the best education. Just find a day school near your home which has excellent pastoral care, good extra curricular and a strong track record in enabling pupils to achieve their best.

@hivemindneeded

You absolutely don't have to board to get the best education. Just find a day school near your home which has excellent pastoral care, good extra curricular and a strong track record in enabling pupils to achieve their best.

Do you understand for some people that is not possible?

[quote marcopront]@hivemindneeded

You absolutely don't have to board to get the best education. Just find a day school near your home which has excellent pastoral care, good extra curricular and a strong track record in enabling pupils to achieve their best.

Do you understand for some people that is not possible?[/quote]
@marcopront

Yes. Do you understand I was replying to @HeadToToesNo ?

@hivemindneeded Just find a day school near your home which has excellent pastoral care, good extra curricular and a strong track record in enabling pupils to achieve their best

This is not an option where I live, so @marcopront was actually spot on.

I’ve worked with boarding and non-boarding pupils for a long time. The boarders are generally ‘harder’ yet more emotionally fragile than the day children. It hasn’t ever made me want to send my own children to boarding school.

@hivemindneeded
@HeadToToesNo

Do you understand I was replying to @HeadToToesNo ?

I wasn't aware that when you say something it can be only be answered by the person you directed it at. Where does it say that in the guidelines?

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

I've been teaching that age group for 20 years, hold a psychology degree specialising in child development and another related postgrad. Which one of us is more objective I wonder?

What you don’t mention is any experience at all with boarding - either a pupil, teacher or parent. Which you’d expect someone with such certain knowledge of what boarding is like to have.

So no, doesn’t sound terribly objective. Sounds to me like a teacher in another sector with quite strong ideological views about things they don’t know all that much about..

It's the child development bit that's most relevant Italianways, and that I know a lot about. My original comment was in response to your post about 8 yos needing to cut the apron strings and how boarding school meets their needs.. I'm not here to change minds or argue tbh but I had to bite on that one! I'm not here to provide research to anyone and I'm allowed to share my opinion. You asked if I was qualified and I've told you and now I have strong ideological views - I'm very informed in the area of child development and meeting children's needs and that is what my views are based on. You might not like what that body of work says, but there you have it. I am not going to enter into any other back and forth on it. You have personal experience so this feels personal, I get it. I'm not interested in getting personal about it myself. All the best.