Boarding school - respectful but ?emotive question for parents

[TheLieInTheBitchNTheFloordrobe]

This is meant in a very respectful, genuine way, but I realise it may be emotive.

To parents whose children are full time boarders: do you have any difficult feelings about being separated from your children for so much of the time?

To adult children who were full time boarders: what was your experience? Do/did you have any negative emotions about it?

How can she possibly like or dislike what “that body of work says” if you refuse to share any sources?? [comfused]

Personally I find it bizarre that anyone thinks group (ie institutional) living is a positive for children. So few of us choose to live like that why would it be better for children?

Oh fgs, talk about obtuse! It doesn't support the idea that 8yos are better off away from home 5zeds! Hence my original response, obviously! Go and do your own research if you want to.

Of course you can share your opinion @HeyGirlHeyBoy but this is thread asking for the thoughts and feelings of people with direct experience either as a parent of a boarder or someone who did board. If you post instead as an “expert” people are going to ask what your expertise is and how you reached those conclusions. Most people well read in the way you describe yourself would not find it hard to cite sources that have lead them to their “opinion”. If you haven’t explored this topic academically then how is your expertise any more valid than the next persons?

In some ways the impact is similar to that of the inclusion of any marginalised group in society. Are we better for having disabled people in our schools and communities? Are they better for being included in this way? I think there are solid arguments for both opinions, and mine (based on experience) is that we gain more from not boarding than we do from being raised in that way.

Slightly staggered that anyone would suggest that eight-year-olds (!) are better off cutting the apron strings, and that people who choose to instead give their young children the stability of keeping them at home with parental support and love on tap are somehow indulging themselves.
Also confused by those attacking a pp for pointing out that this is an unusual view of child psychology...

@CornflakesOnTheSolesOfHerShoes

Slightly staggered that anyone would suggest that eight-year-olds (!) are better off cutting the apron strings, and that people who choose to instead give their young children the stability of keeping them at home with parental support and love on tap are somehow indulging themselves. Also confused by those attacking a pp for pointing out that this is an unusual view of child psychology...

I don’t think anyone has suggested 8 year olds are better off full boarding. I’m a huge fan of full boarding for the right kind of child (typically diligent, motivated, generally confident and from a secure loving family) but I would never condone full boarding at 8. I know several hundred full boarding families and not one has ever had their 8 year olds full boarding. It’s so unusual I am not aware of any schools that take on 8 year old full boarders. There is no demand for it.

Yes, Italianways has done exactly that! And yes there are schools who take 8yos. A (v needy and clingy) ex went at that age and remembers his older brother holding him back as his parents drove away They lived abroad and thought they were giving stability.

Although I would say keeping a teenage child at home with you just because you love them” might be considered an indulgence IF said child had expressed a wish to go boarding in order to extend themselves in ways only the school can offer (and home cannot) and the parents can afford it.
It doesn’t change the fact they have a loving home and parental support , it just means they can be more than they would have been stuck within the four walls of the family home. Boarding school is an add on to a loving family - not instead of. Possibly only those parents who actually have experience of children boarding are qualified to appreciate this. Unless you have seen a child flourish in a boarding school , achieving things not possible at home, then how can you appreciate the huge benefits? It is clearly an anathema to many day pupil parents who do not seem able to comprehend the opportunities afforded to children in a boarding environment and counter that the love they receive, in person from 4pm to bedtime must outweigh the boarding advantages.
Parents of day pupils don’t love or support their children less when they are at school 9pm till 4pm do they? Love and support are not confined to being in a person’s presence.

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

Yes, Italianways has done exactly that! And yes there are schools who take 8yos. A (v needy and clingy) ex went at that age and remembers his older brother holding him back as his parents drove away They lived abroad and thought they were giving stability.

I cannot comment on full boarding a generation ago. For sure it was not a Good Thing for many many children. I’m talking about 2022 where there are probably statistically zero schools that have 8 year olds full boarding.

My own old school still takes eight-year-old full boarders, as does the school my husband went to - I just checked the website. But no, I don’t suppose there’s huge demand.

An 8 year old not living at home and full boarding is about as healthy and normal as someone 30 years older NOT living away from home!
I’m sure there are extreme examples of both but it’s not something that’s considered normal.

@CornflakesOnTheSolesOfHerShoes

My own old school still takes eight-year-old full boarders, as does the school my husband went to - I just checked the website. But no, I don’t suppose there’s huge demand.

My husband was a fulltime boarder from eight, he’s only 29, so it isn’t that long ago in the grand scheme of things, his school still takes eight year olds fulltime. His little brother turned eight last year, he started as a full boarder this September at the same school.

I'm sure it is very different leftandright but as he had just arrived, my comment wasn't about the school but the effect of the separation from his mother.

I think the thread is losing perspective of the original question.

Many of us who have boarding children would never consider it as young as 8 years. But even so, it’s a personal decision and the thread title does say “with respect”. We just have to respect that parents know their own decisions.

And I’ve never known any school take full boarders as young as 8, that’s surprising.

But, you know, that gives me an idea. Instead of bashing all the parents whose kids board, why not contact these schools directly & ask the Headteachers what provision they have for ensuring these separations occur in a psychologically healthy way?

Seems to me that that would be the best way to get answers to the original question.

I'm intrigued to find that my husband's school, where he boarded from 8-14, is now for day boys only. Maybe something to do with allegations of abuse about 80 members of staff over 30 years, some proven now. He was a weekly boarder and it was still immensely damaging to him and an incredibly odd choice for an 8 year old even then.

However, there still seem to be 14 boarding prep schools in the UK, plus the choir schools of course. It is still an odd choice at that age and always will be.

I agree re going off track. I only continued the theme as I was told my opinion was 'rubbish'. I don't think I was 'bashing' parents by stating what is fairly obvious wrt what is best to meet young children's needs. Absolutely agree that it's very different for older teens. I'll bow out now.

I think a key aspect is whether the child is "sent away" or "choses to go" to boarding school.
My DC both boarded (one full, the other a mix of full and weekly) from age 13, by their own choice.
We were lucky that we could consider the full range of schools, and that's what they chose.

They know they are loved, and we know they are/were happy.

Of all the adults I know who boarded, only one seems to have enjoyed it.
Several talk of the trauma. Friend who was at Eton is very bitter about it.

However, worth saying that lots of day school children didn’t especially like their schools (I didn’t). Those who had difficult/unloving parents therefore didn’t enjoy school or home!

Then of course, there is the trauma experienced by kids at rough state schools. Those who can pay for schools tend to do so because they want to buy a better experience for their children. Those parents who choose boarding schools primarily don’t like their children/can’t be arsed with them/don’t “do” children, would be like that regardless.

The coldest and most detached mum I know these days has a nanny, and her kids are at day schools. They will have huge psychiatrist bills later, I fear. If they went to boarding school, life might actually be better for them.

Typo “who choose boarding BECAUSE they don’t like /can’t be arsed with kids….”

I will hopefully be sending my 14yr autistic son to weekly board this year, as it is the only way he will get the specialist education and round the clock support he needs to reach his potential.
I don't want him to feel "Sent away" so I need to sell it to him v carefully.

@Jumpalicious

Of all the adults I know who boarded, only one seems to have enjoyed it.

Do you know about the schooling of every adult you know?
Or is it possible some boarded and are fine and don't talk about it?

@MackenCheese weekly boarding sounds the absolute best idea for your DS, with its round the clock support to help him reach his potential, but also gets to be with family at the weekend.

@marcopront haha. I explicitly said lots of people disliked their schools, regardless of type. Me included! I was actually trying to be balanced in what I said about boarding school, based on people I know.

Most people talk about their school at some point, for some reason. Or at least I AM in fact aware of the broadbrush of most ( all?) of my friends’ schooling experiences. Maybe this is unusual. Or maybe its because my work is allied to academia. I hear complaints, and praise, about all sorts of schooling experiences! And actually, you’ve reminded me. Male friend weekly boarded at St. Paul’s boys and bloody loved it. Female friend, otoh, was day at St. Paul’s girls, was absolutely miserable. Put me off ever applying to the school for my DC. Talking decades ago though!

@Jumpalicious

Most people talk about their school at some point, for some reason. Or at least I AM in fact aware of the broadbrush of most ( all?) of my friends’ schooling experiences. Maybe this is unusual.

Thank you for answering.

It does make your experience valid. There are others in this thread who I am not convinced can say the same.

I boarded since yr 9 and hated it, as there was no privacy and I missed my home. Also, food was no good. Got better in 6th form when I had my own room. I really envied the day pupils.

I never thought of sending my DS to boarding school but he requested it. So, he is now boarding (yr 11).

Ds has Flexi boarded since year 5 and now full boarding at year 11 at his request. He is really enjoying it and if he wasn't he could go back to Flexi. No separation issues.