Boarding school - respectful but ?emotive question for parents

[TheLieInTheBitchNTheFloordrobe]

This is meant in a very respectful, genuine way, but I realise it may be emotive.

To parents whose children are full time boarders: do you have any difficult feelings about being separated from your children for so much of the time?

To adult children who were full time boarders: what was your experience? Do/did you have any negative emotions about it?

There are so many excellent day private schools I don’t really see why you’d choose your child to board, unless you had nothing decent nearby I suppose.

My uncle went to a well known boarding school and still shudders when he drives past his old school. It was a hothouse of bullying and sexual abuse, both pupil-pupil and staff-pupil. When children complained / ran away they weren’t believed. What he experienced there destroyed his confidence for life.

Hopefully things are different now. But reading a recent scandal about his school that makes similar allegations, all I can say is tread with care and remove your child the instant they say they aren’t happy / begin to change.

It is not something I would ever risk, personally. You’re handing over total control 24/7 of your child to people who don’t give a monkeys about them.

Both my dad and DH went to boarding school, and I can see ‘boarding school syndrome’ in both of them. It’s like they just don’t know how ‘family’ bonds differ from those with friends or colleagues - it’s hard to explain, but they both have problems expressing emotions or attachment beyond a friendship level. Both of them have quite poor relationships with their parents also, feeling like their parents don’t ‘get’ them or really know them.

I & my siblings all boarded full time from age 9-18, with parents living a 6 hr flight away. The term times were mostly OK, though the school was very restrictive (no washing your own hair, no cutting your own nails at age 13!).

But the half terms & weekends were hard because most people went home to get a break & see family, but the few of us who were long-distance boarders had to stay at school or with distant family that we didn't know well. So we never got that break & I'd be more stressed after half-terms than before. For that reason, I'd never want my kids to board long-distance. And if you aren't long distance, why both with boarding & paying more?

From our group of friends - boarding from 7 seems to be almost guaranteed to fuck you up. None of the young boarders I know are ok now as adults. Seriously bad mental health/alcohol/drugs problems across the board.

I think if I had boarded from 14/15 it would have been the best thing to ever happen to me. So, I think post-puberty is fine, but primary school age, definitely not.

It was awful. Scarring and unnecessary. Move house to be near the schools you need. Take the cut in salary. See your children everyday until THEY walk away from you.

@WeaverofWords

People still think boarding school is about dumping your kids in school and not seeing them again until the end of term - so they perpetuate this myth about “severed attachments”. In our case, it’s been a strengthening experience. The desire to board came from them. They boarded for a few days a week from ages 11-13 then FT 13-18 in highly regarded public schools.

The schools encouraged communication so we texted daily, FaceTimed a few times a week and also popped by for tea and lunches out sometimes. We made the effort to attend matches and send parcels or small things. There were plenty of expats and weekends where they could come home. One chose to be home most weekends at one stage & the school was great about this, another chose differently.

Boarding encouraged my kids to be independent but also to consider our family values and foster a sense of bonding. They have forged very strong friendships and by the time they went to university, they did particularly well because they were not in awe over leaving home for the first time. In face, one of them said that because if boarding school it didn’t feel like leaving home at all.

The stuff that non-boarding people thing about these schools is largely based on their husbands’ or on outmoded experiences. I know because I experienced it myself. Boarding schools are not how they used to be, and we know a lot more about parenting, attachments, and safety, to make it a positive experience & to ensure psychological robustness.

All of that is total bullshit.

My siblings and I went to boarding school from 9 to 15/16. Two of us hated it but two thrived.

I gave up asking my parents to move me to a day school after the first 2 years. There was never any privacy or freedom to just be. There were so many rules to follow and I was always surrounded by people who mostly didn't really like me.

I have children now and can't imagine putting them in boarding school. They have had the odd day boarding in primary school and enjoyed the novelty of it. But I can see that they love coming home and retreating into their own space for a bit, to recuperate from all the interactions of the day. They wouldn't get that with boarding school.

I'm somewhat close to my siblings but not so much my parents. It works for some people though. My siblings will be sending some of their children to boarding so...same boarding school but different outcomes for us siblings.

we texted daily, FaceTimed a few times a week and also popped by for tea and lunches out sometimes. this level of parental input isn’t anywhere near what a child at day school would experience in a single day.

Yes, I said the above. What do you mean? We have had a child at a day school throughout too & do the same for him, except there’s no need to FT or text in school time.

@Skeumorph It’s not at all bullshit. Those are my experiences. Don’t be rude.

I boarded from 7-18. Mostly enjoyed it. My prep school was idillic, very small, very nurturing. Followed by public school, which I hated. (but that had more to do with the school itself, who knows if I'd have been happier somewhere else).

My dc are now 8 and 11. There is absolutely no way in hell that I would send either of them off to board. Maybe for 6th form, if they were desperate to go. But they are still far too young for me to even contemplate it.

My family and I get on well. Albeit that I have chosen to not return to my "home" country to live near them ever since leaving school. (went to a UK uni, met a boyfriend so stayed for him, got a job, met my now dh). I think their assumption was always that I'd return back once my education was complete, but that's not how life turned out and 20 years+ since leaving school I'm still in the UK.

My brother boarded from 11-18 and describes it as the best time of his life. He only boarded weekly so was home very weekend and the school was only 20 mins down the road which I think he found comforting at first.

He was incredibly sporty and basically described it as living with his mates and getting to do sport every single day and evening after school.

I didn’t board and there’s zero difference in the relationship either of us have with our parents.

I went only aged 9-12, and started off weekly.

Honestly being wrenched away bang in the middle of puberty was worse than being sent in the first place. I missed my family hugely when I was gone but the adjustment back had major repercussions and while I’m close to my parents now I think a lot of the trauma I went through as a teenager emotionally could have been avoided if I hadn’t gone through such upheaval

@AM2476

I went to boarding school from 11-16. It was normal at my prep school for the girls to go at 11, and boys left at 7. I'm 30 now.

I really liked the idea of boarding school and was happy to go, but when got there, realised quite quickly it wasn't for me. My father used to work abroad constantly, so I already had a lot of separation anxiety from him and being away from the entire family unit affected me badly. I would cry constantly to go home.

The first month of school we were not allowed to use phones to contact our parents - which was particularly hard. We had to 'sign in' three or four times a day too so our housemistresses knew that we were 'safe.' If they noticed we weren't eating as much, you would be weighed and monitored at meal times by checking in - or having to sit with a teacher to eat.

On one hand, being amongst a whole group of girls my own age meant that you always had friends around to cheer you up - so I tried to just get on with it in the first few years. Housemistresses and our matrons were also amazing.

By age 13 however, I knew i wanted to leave, but GCSEs were fast approaching, so I was not allowed to leave until I had completed them. The large influx of new girls into our year group at 13 definitely affected our safety bubble at boarding school and led to a lot of teenage politics and drama between friend groups.

Everytime I was able to go home I would start crying when it was time to go back and I constantly felt ripped apart from my family.

The girls that really enjoyed the experience seemed to be the ones who had grown up rurally, and perhaps did not have many friends around them or closeby enough to foster proper, consistent friendships. So they loved it.

Pretty much all of the girls from London in my year group ended up leaving for 6th form - as it became apparent especially in later years that being stuck out in the middle of the countryside was effectively 'missing out' on family life, and more exciting life at home, in the city. I'm glad I didn't stay there until 18, as I think i'd have had a much harder time adapting to coming back to London...

Not for everyone - but if you don't live in an area where your children have close proximity to other kids, playdates and freedom to go out and play with their friends it's definitely worth considering.

Wow @AM2476 that was really strict

I am a bit older than u. Was at school late 90s

No one had mobile phones until my final years (and then it was a minority and technically we weren't allowed them but as long as u didn't use them in front of a teacher they didn't care!)

But we were allowed to ring our parents whenever we wanted. (Land lines) No restrictions ever

We certainly were never weighed! That's horrific!!!!! It was always silly really as there were little kitchens with a hob, fridge and toaster in the house so most people just made breakfast in the house but technically we were all meant to go to the dining hall. Every once in a while they would do a check in the hall to see who turned up and if they found u hadn't then you would have to check in there every morning for a week. But they didn't watch what u were eating!!

We used to have to sign in and out if we were leaving the school grounds. And there was a roll call at the end of the day that's all

We were all v fond of our house mistress. She would let us into her apartments as seniors if we had friends over "for dinner" to use her kitchen etc. she even gave my year group bottle of fizzy wine for my 18th 🤣🤣

After I left her husband died very suddenly. We were all devastated. You could tell what he meant to us all as we all went back for the funeral

Even now she's on my fb and comments on my posts etc.

Boarding school can have good relationships.

Most private schools have a normal school day time period, if you want good education plus the daily connection with your child.

I was a full boarder from 8-11.
Excellent education. Fantastic experience, beautiful buildings and a wonderful rigour to it looking back (with mostly rose-tinted nostalgia).

I’m sure it’s fantastic for a certain type of personality but that wasn’t me. Yes, I became aware and independent at a young age but I don’t see this as a good thing for me personally. I feel it’s a negative part of my character that I never need to develop close relationships with others and never ask/expect anyone to help or even to be on my side. I am a complete introvert. Of course, there’s a bit of a nature/nurture debate there!

I do not have a close relationship with my parents at all. It was just never fostered, and I think that’s also not simply due to boarding but due to their own personalities and the fact they lived abroad and so they never did these extra visits mentioned unthread, just a weekly phone call. I didn’t go “home” on exeats or even some half-terms if they were busy or there was a problem with flights, I stayed with a guardian.

I hated being away from home and the constant getting used to being alone at school then going home but not really feeling a part of it and spending the whole time dreading the inevitable return.

I experienced SO much anxiety that I hardly ate or slept that first week back at school and I felt constantly physically sick. I very often ended up in the sick bay just needing time away from all the other girls, even though I had some good friends.

I should also mention that there was an horrific fatal incident whilst I was there, which definitely added to the anxiety but it was actually towards the end of my time there.

It’s possible that sticking with it and seeing it through to teenage years may have turned the experience round but I had already had a few years of misery that has had a life-long effect on me, so I’m not truly convinced on that point.

The boarders at my DC’s school all seem happy and well-adjusted but mine categorically do not want to board themselves (which may change around the age of 14!). The modern boarding environment is a VERY different place and their well-being is much more at the forefront than it was for me. Also, smart phones!

My 13 year old boards - she absolutely loves it. I think it depends entirely on the child - she isn’t very emotional/sensitive, is highly sociable, extroverted & extremely independent. It suits her perfectly - I think those are the perfect characteristics for boarders. If you aren’t those things I can imagine you’re in for a tough time. My other DD is far quieter, needs daily cuddles from us, doesn’t like noise/people so would hate it. She doesn’t go.

Those who write it off without considering different children suit different environments are blinkered. Also, as others have said, it’s moved on a lot from when we were children.

@Theyweretheworstoftimes

Absolutely loved it. It was the correct choice for me and the best place for me to reach my potential. It improved my relationship with both parents and siblings no end.

I know that both parents missed me very much.

Very positive experience for all involved and would opt for it, if it was right for my own.

Same for me.

My boys are at a prep with day, flexi, weekly and full boarding. Hoping they'll want to board on some basis later so they can experience what I did. If they try it and don't like it they don't have to do it. That's the key for me - parents being willing to abort if it doesn't work, because it's not for everyone. It's brilliant for those it works for though.

If they try it and don't like it they don't have to do it. That's the key for me - parents being willing to abort if it doesn't work, because it's not for everyone. It's brilliant for those it works for though
I was frequently threatened with being sent to boarding school as a child, my only experience of it was hearing the dreadful accounts of the boarders at my private convent school. The threats scared me silly, to such a degree that I didn’t do well at school, giving my mother more ammunition to threaten me further ☹️
My friend’s children boarded from 7/8 years old, her dd has never forgiven her.
It’s interesting that my friend’s accounts of her DCs time at boarding school is completely different from her DCs opinion. She and her DH were in the forces but never left GB, so that wasn’t a reason. I think it was because she felt her children restricted what she could do..
Personally I could never have done it, even if finances allowed.

Yes, there were a number of children whose parents were in the forces at my boarding school, some of them there from the age of 7 which I find horrific and one of these children was a bully and made life miserable for other more sensitive children. Looking back I think this child was pretty damaged somewhere along the way. I was desperately unhappy and it has taken years to accept that my mother didn’t intend to damage me by sending me there and a source of friction between us.

I weekly boarded from 9 then full boarded from 12. I was very homesick at times - my parents are lovely but local schools weren't good and it was the "done thing" to board. I was generally happy enough but I think it has made me quite closed emotionally at times and overly independent.

I'd never want my parents to know any of this though and I'm sure I also benefited in many ways - did well academically and had lots of opportunities. I have chosen 2 relatively unavailable men for my 2 long term relationships so I'm not sure whether that's linked.

But I do think I wasn’t suitable to board and I know others who enjoyed the experience. Of course today these places are a world away from what they used to be.

Government funded overseas boarder (13-18) and hated it

@ManorPiggy I was the same but from 10-18. No mobiles, only letters with my parents during term time and always trying to get one of my friends to take me home with them so I didn't have to stay with my great aunt at half terms.

My Dds are fascinated by it now. I was explaining to them that at home they know I will always have their back whatever happens, whereas at boarding school, there's no-one who you are the most important person to. That does affect you.