Boarding school - respectful but ?emotive question for parents

[TheLieInTheBitchNTheFloordrobe]

This is meant in a very respectful, genuine way, but I realise it may be emotive.

To parents whose children are full time boarders: do you have any difficult feelings about being separated from your children for so much of the time?

To adult children who were full time boarders: what was your experience? Do/did you have any negative emotions about it?

@Stokey snap re trying to get invitations and lack of communication with parents. Letters were slow where we lived and eventually they let me fax. Could never do this to my kids.

I dreamed of going to boarding school as a child and desperately wanted to go, but was denied the chance (no money etc).

We had the chance of a scholarship for my son when he was 12, so we sent him to boarding school, I felt I was giving him the chance to have what I never had.

For the first year he was a weekly boarder and slowly moved to full boarding. No, I didn't really miss him being at home....but sadly, I don't think he found the experience as exciting as I assumed he would. Different characters and all that....
Nevertheless, he has turned out OK now he is well into adulthood, and I think it helped him to be independent.

The thing is, what every child most needs, is the unconditional love of their parent/s. To be loved, no matter what, by someone with their best interests at heart. Friends are not in a position to give that, nor even the doubtless many wonderful teachers in these schools, though their presence of course is incredibly important and could make a massive positive influence on a child's experience. Later on is different. Read Hold onto Your Kids by Gabor Maté, not on this topic but on the importance of a parent's role. Very interesting.

@HeyGirlHeyBoy I had the unconditional love of my parents.... just because you are at boarding school doesn't mean you don't.

Sorry, I find that a strange point of view. Just because you board doesn't mean you're abandoned and your parents don't love you

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

The thing is, what every child most needs, is the unconditional love of their parent/s. To be loved, no matter what, by someone with their best interests at heart. Friends are not in a position to give that, nor even the doubtless many wonderful teachers in these schools, though their presence of course is incredibly important and could make a massive positive influence on a child's experience. Later on is different. Read Hold onto Your Kids by Gabor Maté, not on this topic but on the importance of a parent's role. Very interesting.

People can be in a boarding school and still be loved by their parents unconditionally.

It is always the way in these threads.
Negative experiences are accepted.
Positive experiences are often questioned.

All experiences are different

I work in a boarding school with some day students.

There are parents in both groups who are actively involved and parents in both groups who are not.
I have a day student who I have worked with for 4 years, I have met the parents in passing once. I have boarding students who I zoom with regularly.

Sorry marcopront you've picked me up wrongly. I'm not suggesting they don't, what I mean is they're not with them day to day so the effect of the unconditional love isn't the same.

Dp boarded from 11, his family always boarded it was non negotiable. His children did not board despite the money not being an issue. He had an excellent education but he didn't like boarding.

My dd boarded for sixth form, her choice, at a specialist school and loved it

And i absolutely agree with pp, as I'm sure most do, that there is a huge difference between a v young boarder and an older one, with personal choice in it, regular visits etc.

Ps mine was at state boarding so a bit different

DC1 boarded for 6th form at a specialist music school. It was a necessity as trying to deal with the demands of an academic London day school that was only interested in its place in the league tables and actually advised her to drop music nearly broke her. The moment she boarded I got my nice sunny child back. DD2 is currently boarding for 6th form as you can't offer the opportunity to one and not the other. She loves it.

However, it was very hard to let them go and I miss them so so much.

My youngest is in Year 10 and boards (weekly boarder though, 5 nights).

We are only a few miles away. The reason he boards is that he is a lazy arse and given the opportunity would be on his Xbox over doing any actual homework etc and he has to do 2 hours of prep every night at school. His best friend boards too and they share a room. They also do fun stuff like paintballing and Alton Towers trips and he can stay and do that at the weekend if he fancies it.

We have our own business and work long hours, so i think it was a good move, plus he loves being with his mates in town and not stuck out in the middle of nowhere at home.

I do miss him very much and call him every day though. Then when he comes home on Friday i get a big hug before hes off up to his room and back to the xbox all weekend, (knowing his homework is already done).

Im hoping this will still be a happy arrangement until he takes his GCSEs next year and will be forced to revise properly!

My friends 11yr old dd fought for and won a fully funded scholarship that includes full boarding. So she's only home in the holidays.

She'd spent two years preparing for and fighting for this place and is incredibly driven for such a young child. And right now she's thriving. She does have the right personality for it and despite the fact she's had to move to the other end of the country to live with strangers who'd been at private school together for years has fit in straight away.

It won't be for everyone but I can see how it's the right thing for some kids.

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

Sorry marcopront you've picked me up wrongly. I'm not suggesting they don't, what I mean is they're not with them day to day so the effect of the unconditional love isn't the same.

Sorry but I just don't agree.

Just because a child sees their parents everyday does not mean they experience unconditional love more than a child that doesn't

Of course some boarders get a bad experience and see little of their parents. But I expect a massive amount of day pupils also dont due to parents having no time for them or just generally sitting in their room all day.

I didn't claim they did! I was talking about boarders.

Yes. But comparing that boarders don't experience the unconditional love that day pupils get

Such utter nonsense and really quite insulting and judgemental

There was no comment or assumption re all day pupils at all. I'm talking about how much harder it is for a boarder to receive that unconditional love if they're not with their parents as the norm for long periods. I am not suggesting at all that the love is not there or that all other children are getting it anyway. I am going on what I have read by psychologists and others so no judgement intended.

I don’t think boarders do experience the same amount of love as day pupils, no. How can they? They spend a fraction of the time that day pupils spend with their parents. I find it all very sad.

When discussing borders obv the comparison is always against day pupils. Because there has to be a comparison

I shocked that people think the only way to show their unconditional love is to see them every day

My parents put them through massive hardship and sacrifice to send me to my school, they gave up any day off they had to drive wherever I would be to support me in whatever I was doing.

In my time at home did i feel more loved than I did when u was at school (given that private schools have much longer holidays). Nope. I knew my partner loved me. I knew whenever I was at school if I needed my parents they'd be there for me.

Honestly people get way over simplistic about this topic and only think of kids that are dropped off and have zero family contact. That is so far from the reality and truth.

@Cheekypeach

I don’t think boarders do experience the same amount of love as day pupils, no. How can they? They spend a fraction of the time that day pupils spend with their parents. I find it all very sad.

Why can't u feel love without seeing someone?

Do my parents love me less because I'm a grown up and moved out?!

And boarding schools have massively long holidays so actually you could say I had a lot more free quality time with my parents!

But that’s just putting your own aspirations for your child before actually enjoying them and wanting to parent them.

We’ve got 45 years of working life, why does it have to start so young?

@Cheekypeach

But that’s just putting your own aspirations for your child before actually enjoying them and wanting to parent them.

We’ve got 45 years of working life, why does it have to start so young?

And that's an assumption you have made

I CHOSE to go to my boarding school. My parents offered me the opportunity an I took it. It would have been much easier for them to send me to a day school. My decision put them under a lot of financial pressure and difficulty.

Again you are making out it is selfish and a get out of parenting option to send a child to boarding school. Incorrect

True- everyone's circumstances are different. Pros and cons to every choice.

I have no experience, but as a child I went through the typical wanting to do the Enid Blyton-esque boarding school experience. Now I look back and think I'd have hated it, because I'm an introvert and the idea of being around people all the time would have made me completely miserable - I even found secondary school tricky and would often try to find somewhere quiet to escape to at lunchtime.

I'd be interested to know if there's a high correlation between those who are extroverts and enjoy it, and those who are introverts and don't.