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Original poster

One child gets into Grammar, the other doesn't....

212 replies

NotEnoughTime · 07/01/2016 19:47

Does anyone have any experience of one of their DC passing the 11+ and a subsequent DC not?

My oldest DS is very happy at his Grammar school. We are hoping that our younger DS will pass the 11+ too and join him there. Younger DS really wants to go there too. I think he has a very good chance of passing as his brother as he is equally bright.

However I know from my eldest son's year that many children who "should have" easily passed who didn't and vice versa. I'm worried that if he doesn't pass he will somehow feel inferior to his big brother.

For background, we are in a opt out 11+ area so every child sits the exam so it is a very big deal here. People often say things like "I bet you will be going to school with your big brother" which although kindly meant makes me and him feel more under pressure.

We are not in a position to move out of the area so that is not a option. Neither is private school.

I'm really starting to worry about this as I have tried very hard to give my boys the same opportunities in life so far and would hate my younger boy not to have the same chance in life Sad

What also make matters worse is I really dislike the school that younger DS would have to go to if he doesn't pass the 11+ and no, it's not because it's not a Grammar-I love the non Grammar in the next town along but we are out of catchment for that.

If anyone could give me any advice then I would be very grateful.

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 11/01/2016 16:57

It's a matter of comparing, congratulating, commiserating

But no matter what happens children through their lives will be compared to others and should be congratulated and commiserated when appropriate.

What would be wrong would be to allow fear of what others say to dictate your and your childrens' choices.

BertrandRussell · 11/01/2016 16:59

I refer readers to my previous posts about minimizing, diminishing and I'm all right Jackery.

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/01/2016 17:03

Do yoi think that children should not be congratulated or commiserated when appropriate?

It's not minimising or Alright jackery, it's simply different opinions and experiences.

Original poster
NotEnoughTime · 11/01/2016 17:06

Soooosie I will apply to the secondary modern in the next town for my DS as I have been to visit it and really liked it. My DS would be very lucky to get in there as we are out of catchment by half a mile.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotEnoughTime · 11/01/2016 17:09

sendsummer You are right. It is our local non GS school that I really don't like. If I could get my DS into the non GS in the next town along from us I would be happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotEnoughTime · 11/01/2016 17:18

I guess we can all only talk about our own experiences but as a pp said (sorry, I forget who) I think it does make a big difference if you live in a fully selective county (as I do) or next door/near to one.

I promise you-it really is a big deal (to a lot of people) where I live and that unfortunately filters down to all the DC. It really is crap.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 11/01/2016 17:19

"Do yoi think that children should not be congratulated or commiserated when appropriate?"

If the 11+ is, as its supporters insist, not a matter of passing or failing, just a way of finding the right school for each individual child, why should congratulation or commiseration come into it?

Headofthehive55 · 11/01/2016 17:20

You are right bert people do judge and make barbed comments.

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/01/2016 17:57

Congratulations or commiserations come into it because the child tried something. Just as they may do when playing sports, sitting music/dance tests or auditioning for the school play. It is about applauding their effort and being on their side regardless of the outcome.

OP, I live in a fully selective area. Unfortunately some people are dicks. But their dickishness shouldn't be a reason to stop going for what you want.

BertrandRussell · 11/01/2016 18:00

"Congratulations or commiserations come into it because the child tried something. Just as they may do when playing sports, sitting music/dance tests or auditioning for the school play. It is about applauding their effort and being on their side regardless of the outcome"

So- why commiserations?

Devilishpyjamas · 11/01/2016 18:04

Who cares what someone snotty outside family or friends thinks? My younger two have grown up with strangers being really shitty about their disabled brother. They learned early on that some people have offensive & idiotic opinions. Can't say I've really come across anyone who cares though.

BertrandRussell · 11/01/2016 18:06

"
You are right bert people do judge and make barbed comments."

It!/ not even necessarily a matter of judging and barbed comments. Kindness and sympathy can be just as bad.

Toughasoldboots · 11/01/2016 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 11/01/2016 18:20

"Who cares what someone snotty outside family or friends thinks?"

Fantastic attitude. I agree. Do you think that most 10 year olds feel like that?

Devilishpyjamas · 11/01/2016 18:27

Well mine seemed to have to learn it (on account of having a severely disabled brother). Honestly which school they go to is very low down on the list of things they'll potentially get grief about. Of course had we indulged in lots of hand wringing it may have been more of an issue.

Washediris · 11/01/2016 18:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 11/01/2016 18:44

"Never come across any snobbery towards comps,quite the reverse actually." I have said all along that it goes both ways.

But I don't live in an area with comprehensives, so I have no first hand experience. I only know about grammars and secondary moderns.

EricNorthmanSucks · 11/01/2016 18:49

Don't parents teach their DC from the get go that the views of strangers are unimportant?

That even the views of friends and family can be disregarded if you truly believe they are wrong.

If some randomer gives a head tilt and sad face about my family, truly no fucks are given!

Washediris · 11/01/2016 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 11/01/2016 19:15

"Don't parents teach their DC from the get go that the views of strangers are unimportant?

That even the views of friends and family can be disregarded if you truly believe they are wrong.

If some randomer gives a head tilt and sad face about my family, truly no fucks are given!"

Well done! If you've got the formula for getting that message across to all children but he age of 10, then you'll be a millionaire. Then you can start working on all the children whose parents don't teach them that because they don't know how, haven't got there themselves or just plain don t care..........

Headofthehive55 · 11/01/2016 19:50

I think it must be very difficult at ten to ignore the comments. It's not just the comments re friendship, it is how parents facilitate and encourage friendships.

Don't be misled however that it doesn't happen in a comp area. It does, your children are considered more desirable playmates if in a top group. That how it seems.

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/01/2016 20:22

Er, commiserations because the child they didn't win the game/role or pass a test. They may feel sad and that's ok. They tried but didn't acheive this goal but that's no reason to give up or stop trying things. I teach my child that it's ok to try and fail.

I also teach him that some people will say mean stuff but that is because they are mean, not because he is wrong. And I teach him that people have different opinions and that it is ok to listen to and think about these opinions and still disagree with them.

I teach him resilience, just as my parents taught me. It's one of the most important things that he needs to learn. My family were quite poor, my parents were intelligent, but not well educated and we belonged to a discriminated group. Resilience and
determination in the face of adversity were the most important things they taught me.

EricNorthmanSucks · 11/01/2016 20:43

No formula bert just common sense.

And the OP can take people's advice on how to make this not an issue if she likes.

If she insists that it will be an issue, then it will be. Nothing surer.

Devilishpyjamas · 11/01/2016 21:03

My middle one. The grammar school kid has gone to a lot of auditions. Some he has been cast (and has gone on to have a fantastic time), some he's been kicked out without a recall and others he has got through to the final round (of ten) to be let go (that's the worst apparently - much better to get kicked out first round according to ds2).

is this really any different? I'd like my kids to think it's fine to have a go at anything they want to have a go at - and it's fine to not get something you have a bash at. Whether that's auditions or 11 plus, or Oxbridge or drama school, or teaching, or dream job or whatever. How do they learn it's okay to fail if they never have a bash.

What ds2 has found with auditions is that sometimes he doesn't get one, but then ends up doing something just as good or better, that he wouldn't have been able to do had he already been committed. We've gone for the same approach with ds3 and the schools. "Okay you're not going there, but look at these instead" And I am genuinely excited about his first choice school (will be far more disappointed if he doesn't get that, than we were about not getting the grammar).

I agree that resilience is really important. I have met adults who won't give something a go because they're scared of 'failing' and miss out on who knows what. Surely teaching kids that it's fine to have a go at something and the world doesn't end if it doesn't work out is a good thing to teach?

It just has been a non-issue in this house. I could list 150 things that have bothered ds3 far more than not passing his eleven plus.

BertrandRussell · 11/01/2016 21:15

"Er, commiserations because the child they didn't win the game/role or pass the test"

Because it's not about passing or failing apparantly- it's just about finding the right school for the child...

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